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August 2012 Moms
Husband doesn't know if he loves me anymore
Hey all,
I hate to be writing this post, but I just need to vent somewhere. My marriage has been a little rocky the last few months. We have had a lot of changes in a little amount of time recently. It has been tough.
Last week we got into an argument about the usual things (can't even remember exactly what it was). I suggested that maybe we need a break. I thought he could go to his parents for a few nights and just give us time to re evaluate our situation. Give us some cool down time. He has never agreed before when I have mentioned this. He always felt like that was the beginning to the end and was just not for it. He wanted us.
Well this time when I mentioned it, he decided he would just move into our spare room. He didn't want to move out. Gave an excuse that he pays half the bills and wants to stay. He also said because I am due soon, it wasn't right to just up and leave me.
We have been talking off and on and really trying to figure out where to go. He has since moved back into our room, but I really think it was just to make me happy. I am so sad and so lost. I feel like I caused this.
I have been pretty distant and irritable the last few months. I have been very negative and I can see how it all got us here. I just never thought he would actually not know if he wanted me anymore. I guess I took him for granted.
He told me he loves me, but he isn't in love with me because I have pushed him away so much. He also said he has no problem being alone, its just me he is worried about. He doesn't want to fee like he ruined my life by leaving. To me, that sounds like he has made up his mind. I told him not to stay out of pity for me. I definitely don't want that.I just don't know how to recover this or move on.
I never thought I would be going through this right now. I am not really looking for answers. I know no one could answer this. Maybe just opinions. What would you do? I just don't know how I will move on from the love of my life and the father of my children.
Thanks for listening.
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Re: Husband doesn't know if he loves me anymore
DH and I hit this point in June and immediately scheduled a session with our therapist. It gave us a chance to understand why we were feeling this way outside of an argument. I have a lot of trust issues from a previous abusive relationship, which really bothers him. We are going to work really hard to schedule appointments so we can continue to take care of baby together and I am hoping it will help me open up a bit more to trust him.
Edit: On the other side of this, sometimes talking it out also helps you realize that things may be better apart, so I am not saying you have to stay together or not, but in my experience, you come to better terms with whatever decision is made if you talk it out without an argument.
My exact thoughts. I have no words to describe how sorry I am that you are having to go through this during pregnancy. I will definitely be praying for you and hope you find peace in this all!
As PP's suggested seek counseling. If you want to save things get to counseling ASAP. The further you let it go on the harder it will be to come back together. The first thing the counselor said to my ExH and I was on a scale of 1-10 how committed to saving this are you. My ExH said 10, I couldn't give an answer, I had already made my decision. The only comment the therapist had for us was that she wished we would have come to see her sooner.
I'm happy with my decision but if that were to be the case between my FI and I now, it would be a different story. If the two of you have just grown apart but still love each other and there is no other major issues, see a professional now.
1) Marriage counseling
2) The Love Dare and Fireproof
3) The 5 Love Languages
I've been there. My husband and I were separated for three months at the beginning of this pregnancy. No one, especially he and I, thought it possible to reconcile. I was a very angry person and did not appreciate our marriage; our communication sucked; and we both caused a lot of hurt for the other person in the five years we were together. Prayers and hugs for you. Know that you can overcome this, because love is a choice.
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
i could be way off base with what i'm about to say. if i am, i'm sorry.
a lot of what you said in your email echoed with me because there were elements in it that reminded me of me.
i grew up in an abusive household. i believe it's because of this that i have a history of "testing" relationships. basically, seeing how badly i can treat a person or how far away i can push them to "test" how much they love me.
it sounds like you threw the "maybe we should take a break" thing out there completely not expecting it to go anywhere. it sounds like you've done that before and it sounds like he's never taken you up on it. and, it sounds likes you were completely stunned when he (kind of) took you up on it. i've been there and done that. to me, it sounds like one of my old "tests".- something i threw out there to hurt someone, make it seem like i wasn't that invested, but completely expected them to say no to anyway.
abuse, whether physical or emotional, effs a person up. i'm not saying that he has no responsibility in this. i'm sure he does. no one is perfect. it's just that there were several elements of what you wrote that were red flags for my own relationship behavior.
it might be worth reflecting on. i've done this for many, many years (the self reflecting, that is) and it's helped me be mindful of how i treat my husband. again, dealing with a history of abuse is tough. i believe it's like being an alcoholic. you've got to be vigilant to make sure you don't slip back into old patterns.
i totally agree with counseling, although, i've never done it myself. IF he isn't open to it (which might be the case if he's been pushed too far), i would advise you to go on your own. it would be a worthwhile investment in yourself and could also help show him that you are serious about improving your functionality in this relationship. hopefully, that will help move forward with any improvement he needs to do himself.
again, i could be totally misreading everything. if so, please just ignore me and take no offense.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now (and at all) and I really hope the two of you can resolve it. Unless you are leaving out any crucial information, it doesn't sound like grounds for divorce to me. Every couple has their ups and downs and you just need to power through them. Sometimes that might involve a little help from an unbiased 3rd party, like a few previous posters have suggested (ie - counseling). You both are going through some huge life changes right now and I think it's totally normal for it to take a toll on your relationship.
Keeping you in my thoughts - keep us updated!
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
You are not off at all! I have been in really bad relationships. I think you are right 100% about the "testing". It is hard to read this as I think it is dead on. Who am I to think I can treat someone so badly and they will never falter?
We went to lunch (a huge step) He talked to me. It sounds like that is exactly what the problem is. I have pushed him away and made him feel so rejected at times that now, he is numb. We agreed on counseling but both realized we need to keep our babies in mind in the meantime (try not to fight stay healthy for my pg and our toddler).
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
LOL!! totally not creepy. I am in the central part of the state...about an hour from the Phoenix area. I would love any referrals. Thank you so much!!
I think now is an awful time to make decisions regarding your marriage. During pregnancy your emotions are so roller coaster that I think you are best waiting and seeing how things go after a few months.
I have actually had the opposite happen with our marriage, it has been strengthened BUT only because we have worked our butts off. A year ago my husband and I were starting to drift apart. We weren't really fighting, just kind of drifting separately. He had his hobbies and I had mine. When we were home together in the evenings I was in the living room and he was in his office and then we went to bed at separate times so there wasn't much quality time spent together. So once I got pregnant I freaked out thinking that once the baby came it would stress our marriage and we would end up drifting further apart and become roommates instead of lovers. So for the last 8 or so months we have been working on doing things together and have really came back together.
But this last month, even though our relationship is strong, there has been roller coaster of emotions. One minute I wanna cuddle and love on him, the next I hate having to rely on him because I am physically tired. Last night I spent whole night not talking to him because he wouldn't go on a walk with me. I blew the whole situation out of proportion and told him he was too selfish to be a dad because he wouldn't go walking with me. ITS prego hormones. So my advice is WAIT and see if your relationship can be mended once your hormones are back in check
From your post, it sounds like you both do love each other, you just are tired of it not "flowing" right now. Awknowleding that is huge. Painful and tiring but a good step. Yes, you are at the end of your pregnancy and have a small child already so life is crazy, but postponing help will only prolong the extra stress. I encourage you to make some goals regarding counseling even before baby comes.
Goals could look like this:
Tomorrow - start finding names of counselors: ask friends, your local board, your doctor or insurance, call a church, look in the phone book, etc. Sit down with DH and make a list of things you can do in the meanwhile (AKA agree to the things below or your own variation of them)
By COB on Friday - attempt first contact with at least two different counselors. By the end of the weekend- confide in a trusted friend who will hold you accountable to these goals. Ask DH to do the same. These people aren't there to get all the dirty details, they are there simply to follow up with you as the milestone dates you've outlined come and go.
By next Wednesday, have an appointment time set up. If you have to cancel because of labor, fine, but if no baby--go to the appointment.
By the time LO is 2 weeks old- have been to at least one appt (if not before the birth)
By the time LO is a month old- be in couples counseling with someone you both like (the first counselor may not be a fit) Talk with this counselor about if you also could benefit from one-on-one counseling to process your past.
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