Lost my preemie twin girl...

Sally-26 · August 2012

Hi there,

I gave birth to two beautiful extremely premature twins - Haya and Jude - on 30/10/2011. As they were born at 24.5 weeks, my DH and i knew the chances were slim that they would make it. My beautiful Haya passed away at 9 days old. I cried for a little while but had to stay strong for baby Jude. We had a quiet funeral for Haya and went on with our daily routine of visitnig the hopital twice a day.

After four months in the NICU baby Jude came home, we were so apprehensive and anxious bringing her home, i didnt want to do anything wrong.

Jude has gone from strength to strength she is a little fighter and loves life.

It's been 10 months now since i lost Haya and lately i've started to feel very guilty when someone asks me how Jude is i answer with im so ery proud of her, but in my heart im proud of them both. I dont want to forget Haya and what she went through, i find myself forgetting little snippets everyday. I cannot look at any photos of her (we only have a couple). I find it difficult thinking of having any more children. I am so thankful to have Jude and cant help feeling selfish at times (especially the times when i'm alone and i sit and think of baby H).

I've tried speaking to a counsellor, but dont think its really what i need.

I still feel guilty for what i put them through, i know the Drs couldnt explain why i gave birth prematurely but i feel like i could have doe something,

Im sorry to go on, it would be really nice to talk with someone who has been in a similar situation and get heir idea or perspective of things.

I miss Haya terribly, it hurts so much to reminisce of the times they were in my tummy because Haya was the 'kicker'.

Thank u xxx

Bayberry12 · August 2012

Hi Sally,

I am so sorry for everything you have been through and the loss of you sweet little Haya. You have found a great group of women who will understand you sadness and guilt and regret, we all have those same feelings.

Although I my daughter died before she was born, and I did not have twins, I do know how horrible it is to lose a child. I too struggle with the idea that I should have done something. You have every right to be proud of both of your children, and it's great that you are!

I didn't really find counseling helpful either, but many people do. My husband and I found it most helpful to join a support group and meet other parents who have been through the loss of a child. It helped so much to connect personally with others who have been right where I am.

Please feel fee to be yourself here and share as much or as little as you'd like. We are all here for you.

tuscanbride2007 · August 2012

Sally, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, Haya. This board has a great group of women that all have different experiences, but who all know what it is like to lose a child. I hope you find some comfort among us. I also did not choose counseling. I have found strength and healing in talking about my daughter with other loss mamas. This board has been my saving grace the past 4+ months.

jbranden12 · August 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your Haya. Patricia was our first and only child, but I know there are other women on this board who have surviving children and even surviving twins. Please don't feel bad or selfish for missing your Haya. I hope you can find some support here.

JonesBaby0624 · August 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of Haya. You will find a lot of peace and understanding in the women on the board, even if you just need to vent.

Williamandshawnna · August 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Haya.

You will find amazing support in this group. The women here have been a saving grace for me to read their stories and know that I am not alone, none of us are alone in this journey. It sucks that we are here, but if ever there was a place for everyone to support you when you need it the most, to vent, ask questions, tell your story or support others, this is it.

I also felt and still feel extreme guilt over what I put baby a through just in the hope that we could save b and c. In the end all 3 were born too early for any hope at all. And baby A was my kicker too.

My husband and I have found counseling to be really good for us, but like other ladies have mentioned they have had better outcomes with group support. It really comes down to what feels best at the time for you.

We are going to try again in January and I am scared that I will forget the time with our sons.

I try to live my daily life for our 3 sons, knowing that I am staying strong and finding a new normal in their memory.

~~~HUGS~~~

~Shawnna

sloannmark · August 2012

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and please don't ever be sorry for expressing how you feel-- the ladies here are so kind and caring and we understand in ways a counselor may not be able to...I've been to a counselor a handful of times but haven't really found that helpful.

Big hugs to you.

cmenasco · August 2012

So sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs and thinking of you!

MeggM1 · August 2012

While my twins were born about eight weeks gestation after yours were, I'm in the same situation in that I lost my twin daughter Madelyn after four days in the NICU. I'm so sorry for the loss of Haya and I absolutely know the struggles you have raising Jude while missing your daughter. I really believe surviving twins have a strong, fighting spirit to be proud of - I see that in my son too.

The best thing anyone ever told me was that I'm still the mother of twins, and sometimes my daughter needs attention and I have to grieve her loss, and sometimes my son needs me. It's.a balance you have to find just as if you had two babies on earth to parent. I struggle a lot with family because some people find it easy to focus on the surviving twin in this situation and after 15 months some people have yet to even acwknowledge my daughter, even on their birthday. There are definitely a lot of unique aspects to this type of loss, for sure and navigating it has been very difficult. All of your feelings are totally understandable.

CLIMB is an amazing resource to put you in touch with moms who have suffered the loss of one or more multiple and the founder, Jean, has been a huge source of support for me via email. She's even put me in touch with a mom in my area and we take great joy in getting together with our surviving twins.

https://www.climb-support.org/

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how isolating and conflicting it is. So glad to hear your daughter Jude is home and thriving.

Carolee · August 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Haya. I hope you're able to find some comfort here with us.

Bread09 · August 2012

Hi,

I also lost my twin girl and I have a surviving twin boy. I was pretty much full term and we knew toward the end that she would not survive, it was just a matter of how long would she be alive. It's such a difficult, odd situation and we've struggled a lot with it as have family and friends. We have Incorporated our daughter very much into our lives. If you need to talk more feel free to PM me and we can exchange emails. I also echo a previous poster about CLIMB. I apologize for the shortness of this--I just saw it as I was running out of the door, ironically enough for a memorial service at the hospital for our little girl and all the other angel babies. Lots of hugs!

Sally-26 · August 2012

Thank you all so so much for your support. I'm sorry im fairly new to this and not sure how to respond generally to the posts.

I too struggle with the issue of no one at all acknowledging her existence, this hurts so much as she was alive inside of ME...no one around me seems to understand that.

I recently came back to work after a leave of 10 months, i was told by a colleague to 'forget about her and move on', this hurt so much, how could someone be so inconsiderate and so insenstive. Even my own family say things like 'these things happen'. Dont they understand i know these things happen but i need to grieve?!

I feel so lost right now. I'm trying to find a way where i can revive her memory and keep her close to me, i need something i can touch and feel between my hands, i dont know how to explain it properly im sorry. I've tried making a memory box, but all i have are her medical records and hospital band. I dont have anything else. I feel so selfish that i am forgetting her and moving on, i dont want to, i need to keep her memory there.

jgengo0 · August 2012

First of all, I am so very sorry.

My situation is fairly similar to yours. We lost twin B, Lilah, at 26 weeks and no one ever mentions her anymore. I won't lie, sometimes when I look at Audra (twin A) I get a stab of pain. Lilah should be talking and walking now and Audra should have her sister. I also know what you mean about wanting to touch something. I too have nothing except her urn. Every single night I say a special prayer for her and that really seems to help me. Kind of our one on one time.

HollyBee1022 · August 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss of baby Haya. And I wish the people around us could understand that we can't just "move on"; we're changed forever. The PP's suggestion of a doll the size of your lost baby is a good one -- I hope something like that can help you find a little peace. You'll never forget your baby, and she knows that you love her, even if you sometimes have to just put on a brave face for Jude. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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