- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Special Needs
goldenleaves
member
Future kids for your family
goldenleaves
member
DH and I have a constant open dialogue about adding to our family at some point or being done with the two kids we have.
How much do you think having one (or more) child with special needs plays into that? It's kind of unique from my friend with only typical kids beacuse we obviously have to consider things they don't have to consider, know what I mean?
I wrote a long blog post about it where I most likely sound like a complete lunatic, the link is in my siggy if you want to read it.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Future kids for your family
I do know what you mean. DS has had s/n since he was around 9 months old (long list). See siggy for our decision. It's not for everybody but it works for us. FWIW, I read you blog quickly - they have college savings (but I fully intend on them having to ante up too, it's better for them if they have to put their own money in too), participate in sports, and are just as well off as most of their friends (I don't buy that all their friends take extravagent vactions). They have everything they need, and some things that they want.
I'm pretty sure I'm done. I can't think about another child without being terrified that he/she would end up also being autistic (DD1 has ASD), and perhaps not as functional as DD1. DH says that unless I get to the point of being able to be happy about another baby instead of scared, he thinks we should be content with the two girls we have. (We had DD2 before we knew that DD1 had ASD; DD2 is NT). I don't think I'll ever NOT be terrified. If I could guarantee a healthy, NT child, I probably would; but since I can't, and we're at higher risk for another child with ASD, I'm just not willing to risk it. Plus, honestly, my second pregnancy was so much harder on me that I dread the idea of doing it a third time anyhow.
We're lucky in that most of the time, we can go and do things like a "typical" family -- DD1 enjoys our vacations, going new places and trying new things, running errands with me; she's generally well-behaved; she's verbal and pretty on-target with self-care and most skills outside of social ones with peers, and a few fine motor glitches.She doesn't have seizures, severe allergies or other medical issues that often come with ASD.
And I'm okay with being "selfish" on this. I don't want to risk having another child with SN and feel like we can do even less for all three kids and ourselves in terms of our lifestyle (which is already pretty modest), our financial stability, our future and retirement. I need to feel safe about those things and that we're ensuring that both our girls get the opportunities that meet their needs. Our insurance covers no autism therapies, so almost everything is OOP and I already wish we could do more for DD1. Her future is uncertain, and although I have high hopes that someday she'll be living an independent life, I know the stats are dismal and that she'll likely need far more resources, for far longer, than a typical child. If we decided to have another child and that child had serious medical issues or severe ASD impairment, we'd be screwed in terms of what we could do for DD1 and DD2 individually; what we could do for all of us as a family; and what DH and I would be facing in retirement. It ratchets up my anxiety just thinking about it.
We're also hundreds of miles away from our families, and it's hard enough to juggle two kids, including one with SN, without adding a third and even less opportunity for either one of us to get a break. And I'm 34 and wanted to be done having kids by 35 because the odds of other genetic disorders start increasing significantly. Lots of reasons.
I started getting rid of baby gear this past weekend. Sometimes it's hard to admit, and even DH and I still talk about a possibly-maybe-someday, but I think really we both know that our two girls are it for us.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
First off, I wanted to say Lauren is so beautiful!!
Our DD is the youngest and we are trying to have baby #4. We also will revisit adoption of a SN's baby in a year or so. I never wanted to have a big family when I was younger and now I would have 6 or more if DH would agree. There are things we think about because of DD having Ds and what that means for her siblings but I would like to think that its the same as any other family with typical children, siblings look out for one another.
Our view on having more children hasn't really changed, we still want to grow our family. You just have to do whats best for YOUR family.
I am pretty sure we are done with 2 kids. DS1 is 4 and NT; DS2 is almost 3 and has CP. Our main reasons are because of my age (I turn 40 in May) and that we are a military family (trying to conceive around deployment schedules, schools, trainings, etc. just makes it that much harder). However, I think DH would be more on the "lets have another" train IF DS2 was a little more mobile. I say that because he stated this awhile ago during one of these conversations. I have only recently decided I am on the more no more kids side of the train tracks. DH also didn't want to leave me with 3 kids when he deploys next (I think because I would need that much more support and because deploying especially now that he has kids really gets to him).
In the grand scheme of things, I'm all about doing what is best for your family emotionally, physically, and financially. If that means adding to your family then do it. But I also think that adding to your family is a very heavy decision that must not be taken lightly (not that you are) and it should really be thought about. I still kind of want to have another child but my desire for that is waning as I really think about what is in the best interest for everyone involved (husband, myself, and both kids).
We're done - officially - so says the tubal ligation after DS2. We had always talked about 2 so to us it was more of an affirmation of a decision we made some years ago. I was already pregnant with DS2 when Chris was first identified as having PDD and I remember thinking if we'd know earlier, would we have gotten pregnant again?
Naturally I'm scared for DS2 but so far he's so different from his brother. Chris was a very quiet baby - too quiet I think now that I have another baby to compare to. Either that or this one is super social. Who knows?
There is one thing I worry about - I'm a sib of someone with special needs and I didn't have the best childhood - I had a very lonely childhood and I worry about DS2. I will do my best to not make the mistakes my parents made - even though I'm sure they thought they were doing what was best - I worry that DS2 will be as resentful as I was for a while. I think it's ironic that I worry about DS2 so much when right now it's only Chris who has a diagnosis.
The decision is supremely personal to you and your partner. I think the DH that said when you can be happy and not scared of another baby, then you know you're ready to do it again.
Good luck.
For my family, I have never let our children's special needs alter our family plans.
With that being said, my kids "special needs" are on the milder side. If we had 1 or more debilitating diagnoses or I had to juggle the various therapies/appointments on top of a full time job my outlook might be different.
We are done. I don't think the risk of having another child like Asher keeps us from having another child, but rather not knowing what his long terms needs will be and making sure we have the resources to provide for those needs.
I constantly think about another baby though. I just don't think it will happen.