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Baby Showers
ShaunaT25
member
Vent
ShaunaT25
member
in Baby Showers
My older sister offered to plan and throw my baby shower, but we have different ideas on dates. I really would like a shower before baby arrives as I am due very close to Christmas. I just feel as though after Christmas isn't a great budget time for most of my friends and family. I know my family will go overboard at Christmas time, and again for a shower and I just wouldn't feel right about that. Plus I'd like to be able to budget myself between baby and Christmas. (We also just purchased a new house and will be moving in mid September so there are a lot of expenses coming up within the next few months... and I like to plan)
My sister on the other hand, is strongly against having a shower before babe arrives. Her BIL and his fiance just suffered a loss a year ago after tragic complications at birth. I really do understand where she is coming from, I just don't think that the awful thing that happened to them should dictate when my shower should be. My sister is a very VERY stubborn person, and will dish out her opinion as harshly as she can, but is NO good at listening to other peoples. Our poor mother has been playing middle man, trying to make us both happy and I just feel terrible. She's now planning to do a shower for me, and then let my sister have one after baby is born. I feel like that's gift grabby and I don't feel right about that.
I just wish my sister would take my preference into account. I am very grateful for her offering to plan and throw my shower, and I would never want to come off as if I weren't. This is the only detail I'd like any say in, and she can have fair game afterwards, but I just don't know how to get my point across. I can't change her beliefs, but I know she would be hurt if I told her I didn't want her to plan it anymore (it's kind of her thing).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent
I don't know if you're looking for advice in particular, but I wanted to say I know how tough a situation like this can be. Really, if it were my sister, I'd try to talk her into helping my mom. Two showers thrown by immediate family members seems like a bit much to me. And that still wouldn't help you with the whole Christmas thing. I don't want my shower to be around Christmas either because I don't want to burden people, so I think that is thoughtful of you. It seems kind of weird that your sis is so set on having it after your baby arrives when she wasn't the one who personally suffered the loss. Before this pregnancy, my DH and I suffered a loss, and it was devastating. I know other women who've had m/c and had to wait until after birth to have a shower because it was too hard before hand. It sounds like your sister is very caring, even if she's stubborn. I don't know how you can make her see your point of view. I'd probably end up getting super frustrated, have break down, and ask her something innapropriate like, "what do you think is going to happen to my baby". This would not be good. Sorry this response is so long. Just try to have a heart to heart with her I guess. Best of luck.
And if having 2 showers means inviting the same people to both - no, do NOT do that. That is very tacky and gift grabby.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This.
As unfortunate as everything you just said is, she's the hostess and ultimately, the date is up to her.
If you don't agree with when it is, you can politely decline.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Yep. If it doesn't work for you, just politely decline.
I want my shower earlier for many reasons, and I agree that no one is obligated to get me anything. But I also know my friends and family. I said I wanted to be able to budget myself between baby and Christmas. Therefore if I know what I have to buy for baby, I'll wont be completely tapped out so that I can get THEM something for the holidays. I wasn't implying I want their money to be spent on me, but more to know what I have to work with financially. I did mention I just bought my first house, and they are all doing so much to help me with that, between painting, and moving, and emotional support. I want to be able to give them all a little something for the holidays instead of all my money going to baby stuff.
My sister also lives 3 hours away from me. I live in a rocky, crazy highway area of Canada. So driving 3 hours with a new born in January is also not appealing to me.
I also didn't run to my mommy to tell her my sister was being a big meany face. My mom approached me to ask when I would like a shower, as her and my sister live in the same town and had been co-planning I guess. She then came back to me and told me how my sister refuses to have it prior to baby being born. I'll admit it, I'm pregnant, emotional, and under a bit of stress between moving and my first baby. So I was upset, but I rationally explained to my mom why I was hoping on a before the baby shower.
I really don't want to turn down my sister because it is a gift she is giving me by offering to throw the shower, I just would like to be able to come to a place that works for both of us. I honestly don't feel like I am asking a whole lot, or being pushy with one request.
But if that can't be done then decline the whole thing.
DH and I drove 1.5 hours when DS was only 2 weeks old, and honestly... I hated it! And it was an easy drive! But it was a PITA.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The short answer to your question is if your sister cannot agree on a date say thank you for the offer and politely decline. I understand your sisters superstition but to your point that should not dictate the date of your shower. If your mom is planning on a day that works better for you I'm sure your sister will come around and help her out.
I also understand your point about the timing - I am also due around the holidays and was mindful about peoples travel schedules and the fact that people are sensitive about money in general but moreso around that time. Its not about watching peoples pockets - its being considerate bc some people (family in particular) may feel obligated to go big on one gift (holiday or shower) and have to sacrifice something else in order to participate and that is not necessary. You cant tell them what to do with their money or what to buy you (if anything) but I dont think keeping these things in mind when you pick a date is worthy of stoning.
Thank you! I really appreciate that.
pearlymerly7: Well it came across to me as "I want to have the shower before Christmas and everyone spends their money", so I guess our votes cancel each other out.
I repeat myself, if your sister does not want it earlier, you can not force her to host it then. Politely decline the shower stating calmly "I do not want to drive a NB that far, in the winter" and then it's her problem, not yours. Maybe she'll offer to host the shower at your place :snort:.
The budgeting thing? Sorry, I don't buy it. You know now---4 months in advance---that you may have to potentially save some money aside to buy baby stuff after Christmas. It's not like you have literally 2 weeks notice. Start buying your own baby stuff now or set aside the money to do so after the fact.
When I found out I was pregnant (and was out of 1st tri), I started buying my own baby stuff as I found it on sale. People kept saying "well, what are people going to buy you at your shower?" and I replied "whatever they want to, I suppose". I had a small registry, but somehow still ended up with lots of amazing and generous gifts at my shower.
I have exactly zero sympathy for people who pull the "but if I wait til after the shower, I will only have a few weeks to buy everything I need still!" card. Guess what, most pregnancies last 40 weeks, it's your own fault if you waited til 38 weeks to provide for your child.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
I'm sorry you have that image of me painted in your head, but your an entitled to your opinion. Since it's just an online message board it's not like layers of things can truly be expressed, such as family relationships, and I definitely won't be talking in depth about my finances.
But I would just like to clarify that I don't expect people to trip over themselves to purchase me things for baby. That I have been slowly starting to buy things, but again we just purchased a home, and there are down payments and lawyer fees that my money has to go to so baby can be born into a mold free home. There is money being set aside so that once we are in new home, we can start furnishing babies room.
I also have declined the shower from my sister, but still hope we can come to some middle ground. But there is lots of time for that.
The title to this post was vent, which is exactly what it was. I had just received the call from my mom, and was upset. I think that's allowed.
Once again, lots of people buy houses and have babies. We bought a house and had to put a couple thousand (unexpectedly) into a car, etc etc etc.... it's about priorities. I spent our expendable income buying necessities for the baby and not niceties (diapers vs diaper genies, for example). I am not trying to 'gang up' or keep being 'a peach', but wanted to point out to any lurkers that may be confused that there's always something that will be taking your money and it can still be possible.
My son is almost 2 years old and his room STILL isn't what I would want in an ideal world (pinterest ready, lol) but it's his room. It's safe, it's clean and it functions.
I'd also like to add, as a (recently) new home owner, that I hope you have more money set aside for everything that will break or bust in those first 6 months. Closing doesn't mean that you're done spending money.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Well of course. Thats the way of the world. I work my butt off and make money, and there has always been something to pop up that it goes to. I'm fortunate in that I have the family and friends I do who are always there to help me. I am not looking to have everything I want for baby, but everything I need. I'm not implying that because I purchased a home that I expect other people to buy baby things for me, just that a shower (in which everyone I have attended has been to help welcome a new life into all of our lives, and give a gift to the family) would help ease the stress prior to baby arriving. Being due just days before Christmas, it is a busy time of year. And yes, it can be done, and I'm not asking for a pity party or saying woe is me, but my preference has always been shower prior to baby. That is just me personally
The home we live in currently is owned by FI's mother, and is quite old, so we are already used to home expenses popping up.
I am young, but not naive. I have a good job, a good man, and a wonderful family. I don't expect anything from them, but they're always there beside me helping me along the way. It's what family is for, we all stand together.
And apparently, you aren't either, so lets agree to disagree. Neither of us are right, neither of us are wrong. Deal?
Dude. Why are you always so angry? I have been reading these boards for like a week and you're so angry.
She's not angry, she's realistic. I've been on the boards for a lot longer than a week and it generally seems as though people forget that they are going to have to spend money after the initial investment. We are constantly hearing how people are upset because they didn't get what they "need" for the baby at the shower and they can't really afford it. Guess what, babies only get more expensive as they get older. You are not done spending your money on them after you buy the stroller and initial diapers. When you buy a house, you spend a lot more than the sticker price that you are paying the seller, you are no where near done with the expenses.
I think sometimes people need the reminder because in the baby haze, they seem to forget.
Yup, you have me pegged. Way to go. :eyeroll:
You say angry, I say "realistic". We closed on our house and we had a water pipe break over the weekend and came home to a flooded crawlspace, etc. We have had numerous issues that we never planned for. Your mortgage is just a tiny fraction of what you're going to pay out of pocket, esp in that first year. I wish someone would have warned me about these things.
Same thing with babies. People get all gooey eyes with new baby-itis, but you'll be buying diapers for 2 years. You'll have numerous well baby visits (with co-pays, etc) plus any sick baby visits. You'll have time off of work (and as a result, perhaps a decrease in income). If BF doesn't work out (and sometimes, it doesn't, despite all of your plans) you have formula....lots of formula.
if being realistic is angry, then I guess I'm angry. However, I refuse to sugarcoat real life at the sake of sparing someone's e-feelings.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.