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November 2012 Moms
Husband can't quit smoking, Help! (Long)
So, A few months ago I posted about my husband breaking and saying he just couldn't quit because he was under to much stress and it was making his very angry with me all the time, and he just couldn't deal with it. I told him then that if that where true, I am dissapointeted in him, but he can not be around me when he smokes, and after he does he must wash his face and hands and use hand sanatizer so I can not smell it since it makes me nausuous. I think this is where I sccrewed up. And if it is on his clothes and I can smell it, he has to change. he has been really good most of the time about this, but it has kept me and him apart since I get grossed out if I smell it on him, and sex has been non existent. Anyway, last week he came to me and said he was going to quit this Friday, and I told him I was here to support him, since I am 6 months clean, and know how it feels in the begining. He made it 1/2 the day on Saturday and broke. He said he just couldn't do it because he was so irritated with me because of how different I am while pregnant, and he was getting to stressed and didn't want to argue all the time like we did when he first quit. He was so frustrated and so was I and I was, and still am, so dissapointed. I know had I not gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have quit, but I did and I am, and no matter what I tell him, even the threat of keeping him from being around his own child after he smokes a cigarette, isnt enough. I know that sounds harsh, and he looked at me like yeah right, but I told him I did not go and create another human being so someone can be stupid and kill it because they exposed her to second hand smoke. Yes, I have become extremely over protective as of 5 months, and even told my friends and family I will do the same to them. If I smell smoke on you, no baby. If you feel you need to smoke, you can wait an hour after to hold my baby. I don' t think it is outragious, hello, I am the one who created it, and I will do what I have to do to protect it from SIDS the best I can. Anyway, Long story I know, but his final say was maybe it wont sink in to him until the baby is born. Any thought or help with this would be very helpful. I am open to all. Thanks
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Re: Husband can't quit smoking, Help! (Long)
That's tough, especially since I think you're fighting two battles. Obviously, there is a physical addiction, but, like some of the other dads-to-be around here, he sounds like he's going through a pre-baby freak-out.
I wish I had some advice, but right now I just wish you lots of patience and lots of luck. If you lived closer, you could come over and watch trash t.v. with me to get a breather.
See if he can talk to his Dr. about maybe getting a prescription for Wilbutrin (Welbutrin?). It helps a lot of people quit smoking and could have the side benefit of helping him with stress as well.
Ha. I told him what another guy at work told him, and that was to grow a set and man up, but it did nothing. He just looked at me like I was being a *** again and must be hormones.
I told him to do this, and get anything he needed to help him quit, but he said the only way it will work is cold turkey, but I think he is foolinghimself. I guess we need to make it a priority and talk and hash it out.
6 people in my department used this medicine to quit and they've never looked back! I say give it a try - cant hurt
JHB 1/19/09
Baby girl due 11/22/12!
I think that you need to put yourself in his shoes.
I smoked for 6 years before I found out I was pregnant. My husband has smoked for almost 15. Giving up smoking was awful for me but I had a reason to do so. My husband has been trying to quit since we found out. When I get frustrated with the amount he smokes and how often he does I have to remember that I used to do it to and if i wasnt pregnant I would be out there with him. I know that if my husband were to quit now the stress of his job and other various stressors would be overwhelming and cause more issues between him and I.
Honestly(and it sucks) but our husbands dont have a reason to stop right now. Yes its bad for pregnant women to be around and it also is for babies but there is also an easy fix to that...dont do it around us or the babies. While I agree that they shouldnt smoke while having a child/pregnant women in their life, I empathize with them. It not as easy for the men to quit. Does it make it fair, absolutely not.
Again, I completely agree with you about wanting him to quit...but you cant make him quit. And from his point of view im sure the more you threaten to not let him hold the baby or be around the baby and get on him about quitting the more stress he is under and therefor the more he "needs" to smoke.
Long story short (too late lol) he is going to quit when he wants to quit. I reccomend trying Chantix or another for of stop smoking thing.
I can 100% relate to this. My husband has now quit for almost 2 months. I of course quit because I was pregnant and would not have quit if not for being pregnant. It's a disgusting horrible habit that I am glad to be rid of and wished to quit for a long time - while at the same time not wanting to quit (if that makes sense). We would bicker about his smoking. I would yell at him for it and that would make it worse. He said he needed to quit on his terms not mine - which makes perfect sense. I sat down with him after a major explosive fight about it - after we both cooled off. I told him that if he really tries to quit that I will support him. I also promised not to ask him about whether he had smoked (even if I could smell it on him) or even acknowledge the smoking situation. It was terribly hard for me to keep my mouth shut. The rules we had though were that he obviously couldn't smoke around me and that if I smelled smoke on him that I asked one time for him to change/shower and neither of us would say another word. He really struggled and then we went on vacation together and were always together. After a week of not smoking, he had one cigarette that was stale and he was able to say it was disgusting and that was the end of it. He hasn't smoked since.
But it really was not helping to have my comments... I was so frustrated because I didn't have a choice (at least in my mind) and I just had to go cold turkey. But for men, there isn't that same pressure because it isn't a direct effect. My best advice is to sit down and have a good heart-to-heart. It's clearly affecting your relationship and you need to do it before the baby comes - because it won't get easier then.
Good luck! I know you will both need it!
Thanks, I needed some reality check. I know I can't make him quit, but what is going to make him do it for himself and the baby? I just dont know why or how he doesnt see what I see. I know what it is like to be in his shoes because we both smoked for the same amount of time, but I can't help but feel a sence of failure from him on this.
I comepletely agree with this. It sucks. And its most definitely not fair. DH and I have had many talks about how he hasnt given up anything (drinking, smoking, soccer...all the things I used to do also). Its rough on a marriage for sure but its something that can be overcome. Dont make the smoking issue ruin this time in yalls life. I honestly think that once the baby is here he will want to be around him/her so that will decrease the smoking. I doubt it will stop it completely but its a start. Baby steps
You can get through this. I'd say dont make it an issue right now. Take the advice from PP. Set up rules/communication about it so it doesnt become the thorn in yalls relationship.
Also, talk about his fears and worrys that go along with quitting. Figure out his "smoking schedule" (ie...after meals, before bed, morning cig, while drinking, while driving) and see if you can manipulate the schedule to make smoking less available. Maybe once the baby is born try and take up running or working out together. Make it something yall conquer together instead of it being HIS issue that HE HAS to fix.
Im going through the same thing so dont think your alone in this.
I tried telling him I am going through it just as well, and he says its different because I had no choice, but I did have a choice and I chose our unborn child. Alot of woman smoke while pregnant, including our mothers, but I did whats best for the baby. No way was it easy, nor is it still. I just dont know what it is going to take for him to quit. I wish they where not legal, because its worst than being addicated to drugs. And yes, I know.
Have him talk to a dr about it. My friend's husband was the same way. She's about 3 months pregnant and he started with the e-cigarettes about a month before they found out (they have a step program with them too. Some have more nicotine then others) and then he talked to the Dr and the dr put him on chantix. You use this and gradually reduce the number of cigarettes you smoke. It's worked for him so far and he's almost smoke free.
But he's got to want to do it. Until then, it's not going to happen. My step-dad developed emphysema and is on oxygen and was still smoking (we're talking like 30 years of smoking a pack and then some a day). I told him once we found out I was pregnant, that baby wouldn't be going to his house cause it was full of smoke. He quit cold turkey two weeks later and has been smoke free since. He finally got the motivation he needed to quit, his first grand-child. He already looks way better and can smell again.
I'm pretty sure he CAN quit, and it's pretty sad he isn't thinking about anyone but himself at this point.
My H quit cold turkey about a month before our LO arrived, it was rough, but he did it! For the health of our baby!
Show him info, SIDS, 3rd hand smoke. Tell the dr to tell him.
Get info on medicine, there is a pill he can take. That will make even the slightest smell from a cigarette make him want to Vom.
When there is a will, there is a way!!!
? Voted Cool Cat ~ 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards ?
Where there is a will there is a way. DH smoked before I ever knew him and he always says that you have to want to quit yourself or you never will. He said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He used those nicotine patches and once went to work without one and had to leave to go home and get one otherwise he was just way too crabby and mean.
I live in a state with a quit line and they will give you the medication to quit for free!
I agree with this! My brother has smoked for close to ten years off and on (mostly always on) and he used the e-cig about 6 months ago. He had went back to regular cigarettes (because the e broke) but recently started the e-cig! again It doesn't smell at all and it does still have the nicotine. Not that any type of cigarette is healthy, but he claims this is a healthier option. I can't say I feel the pain because I have never smoked nor have I ever had the desire, I am actually a pain the the a$$ to family members that smoke because I hate to see what could happen to them after the years of smoking. I do completely understand how hard it is for people to quit, I've seen many struggle through it. It's not a cake walk.
My point I guess is that my brother wouldn't give up smoking for anything (breaks my heart) and he will use this thing. His clothes don't smell anymore, neither does his car and he still gets his "fix". I hope this helps and I hope that your hub will consider this option. Good luck to you! And good for you for quitting for your little lady!