Lost my baby boy.

ILoveRedVino · August 2012

Our beautiful boy was born yesterday at 20w. We were able to hold him and talk to him. They are doing an autopsy just so we can be sure that this isn't something that will happen again.

This sucks. Even when we know it is a possibility, it hurts so bad. I feel like I failed him, I feel like I failed our families, and my amazing husband. My body hurts from labor, but it is nothing compared to the loss inside. I feel like a part of me is gone and will never be back. I feel like it was my job to save him and I couldn't do it. It is weird that 48 hours ago, we were optimistic. Only 24 hours ago, he was born. And now I am just not pregnant. He is gone. And even though it was only at 20w, he was so, so loved.

How in the world do you get through this? How long until life feels ok again?

Roxycc55 · August 2012

Im so so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my little girl at 15 weeks and I know the love you are talking about and how strong it was. I agree with both PP, you're never totally 'okay' again. But you find a new normal. And learn how to handle the pain that stays with you. I am so sorry again. This board is a great support and so are all of the women on it. Everyone will be there to help you as you start your journey of healing.

frogs007 · August 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I remember the extreme grief and sadness from those first few weeks. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier to live without your baby, but for me it has gotten easy to incorporate my grief into my life. I miss my sons every day, but I have been able to find happiness again.

I can empathize with your feelings of guilt. I have had every little scenario go through my head over and over again. I've done the internet searches and questioned my husband to see if anything I did led to the death of my sons. Sometimes I convince myself that I did nothing wrong sometimes I can't. You're a mother, we blame ourselves. Work through that however you can.

In the beginning I got through it by watching Netflix. Almost 24/7. My husband was finishing his homework and I would sit on the couch near him and watch TV. When it was finally late enough to go to bed we would be relieved that we made it through another day, and then we would start over again the next day. After a few weeks my husband went back to work and I had to learn to cope without him. It's all a process. Do what you need to do to cope for now. Healing will come later.

I think I started to feel a little better a few months later. It came slowly, but it came. One day I realized that I had been relatively happy all day.

I'm so sorry again. Welcome to the board.

Carolee · August 2012

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I remember feeling all of what you felt, and I didn't see how there was any way I would survive the pain and the grief. You just have to take it minute by minute, or even second by second. It hurts, and it's hard. Talking with others who had been through similar experiences was one of the things that helped me the most - it made me feel like I wasn't alone. I hope you find comfort here on this board.

dandywarhol · August 2012

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your little boy. What is his name? It is good that you were able to hold him and talk to him.You will carry those moments with you for the rest of your life.

You did nothing wrong. You are not a failure. You love your son and if you could've saved him we know you would have.

You get through this be loving your son, your husband, your family. You get through it by crying, screaming, sobbing, questioning, and more crying. You get through it by letting others carry you for awhile. People will tell you they are amazed at how "strong" you are but you are strong because it is the only way you to be if you are going to survive. And you will. Find a way to get through the next minute, the next half hour, the next hour.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Grief is a roller coaster ride. Nothing you feel or think is wrong. It will hurt for a long time but eventually the pain will be a little duller. It won't go away, you will never forget your son, but you will learn to live with him in your heart rather than your arms. {{hugs}}

barbie92 · August 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I lost my little boy, Robby, at 23 weeks and felt like you do now, like I failed him. Try your best not to blame yourself- you did everything you could. Try to just take one day at a time- or even one minute at a time. I am almost 6 months out from my loss and life still doesn't feel okay.A part of me will always be missing because my little boy isn't here.

((Hugs)) and again I am so very sorry for your loss.

lmielocl1 · August 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of your baby boy! We lost our little boy, Ethan, at 18w due to a cord accident. He was born sleeping on 6/15/12.

Although I know it is hard to believe as I still feel guilty 8 weeks later, but you did not fail anyone! Your family & DH & little boy love you very much. I think it is very normal to feel the way that you do and although I will not say it will get better in time, but you will learn to live with the sadness & pain & feeling of part of you being gone. You will get through this and if you need to, please seek out help through either a support group or therapy. I was not going to but both my OB & RE urged me to and I am going to try therapy in less than 2 weeks. My OB even said she would put me on anti-depressants if needed but I have decided not to at the moment. Also, please let yourself grieve. Please cry when you need to. Please let it out when you need to. It helps a lot to just let go!

Sending lots of (((hugs))) to you! Thinking of you!

~ Leslie

weddedwife · August 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my son last year at 22 weeks and I know the pain you are now feeling is unbearable. We all blame ourselves in one way or another.

Your life has changed and will never be the same again. I know that is not what you want to hear right now, but it's true. You will always love and miss your son, and wonder what could've been. But as pp have said, you find a new normal. You learn to incorporate the grief into your life. I am 9+ months out from my loss and now I can actually see ways in which my son's death has made me a better person- not that I wouldn't change that in a heartbeat to have him back, but the sad reality is I can't change it and so I have learned to deal with it.

I hope you find support here, as I did and still continue to do. Grief is not a linear process so you may go back and forth, have good days and bad, but you just take it day by day and eventually you'll have more good days than bad.

figgs0831 · August 2012

I am so very sorry for your loss. Both of my sons were born in the 20 week range due to pPROM and I guess ultimately, placental insufficiency. You have a long road ahead of you, but I promise it will get easier.

All you can do now is let yourelf grieve, let your self heal, surround yourself by loved ones and remind yourself that this was not your fault. For me, the hardest part afterards was the blame. Also, no one warned me that my milk would arrive shortly after the birth. I'm sure you're probably noticing those changes starting. When it comes in, don't express the milk. Take some advil and wrap them tight in a sports bra. The worst is over after 2 days of so.

I'm so sorry that you haveto join us over here, but know that these ladies are wonderful. ((huge hugs))

sloannmark · August 2012

I am so sorry that you lost your son. It sucks beyond belief. I felt exactly like you do, and while the pain never goes away, it's gets more manageable, and in time (and there's no set or right timeframe), the good days will outweigh the bad. I promise it will get better. Take your time to grieve and know we are all supporting you here.

jbranden12 · August 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. You did not fail anyone, you are not to blame. None of us could save our babies, no matter how much we loved them.

The first few weeks I was in a daze. Like pp said, we took it day by day. Whatever passed the time until another day was over. We weren't really living. I didn't know how when my baby was dead. Now, 4.5 months out, some days feel okay. Some days still don't. It's an incredibly long process that will never be complete. But we are here for you.

Bayberry12 · August 2012

I am so sorry for your loss, it is truly heartbreaking. I wish you didn't have to be here, but I'm glad you found this board, there are many women who have a endured a loss like yours, and we can all understand how you are feeling.

frogs007:
In the beginning I got through it by watching Netflix. Almost 24/7. My husband was finishing his homework and I would sit on the couch near him and watch TV. When it was finally late enough to go to bed we would be relieved that we made it through another day, and then we would start over again the next day. After a few weeks my husband went back to work and I had to learn to cope without him. It's all a process. Do what you need to do to cope for now. Healing will come later.
I think I started to feel a little better a few months later. It came slowly, but it came. One day I realized that I had been relatively happy all day.

This is exactly how my husband I got through the first few weeks, and I also had to learn to cope without him when he went back to work. I would start to cry every morning when he would have to leave.

This sucks, but you are going to get through it.

cmenasco · August 2012

Bayberry12:
I am so sorry for your loss, it is truly heartbreaking. I wish you didn't have to be here, but I'm glad you found this board, there are many women who have a endured a loss like yours, and we can all understand how you are feeling.
frogs007:
In the beginning I got through it by watching Netflix. Almost 24/7. My husband was finishing his homework and I would sit on the couch near him and watch TV. When it was finally late enough to go to bed we would be relieved that we made it through another day, and then we would start over again the next day. After a few weeks my husband went back to work and I had to learn to cope without him. It's all a process. Do what you need to do to cope for now. Healing will come later.
I think I started to feel a little better a few months later. It came slowly, but it came. One day I realized that I had been relatively happy all day.
This is exactly how my husband I got through the first few weeks, and I also had to learn to cope without him when he went back to work. I would start to cry every morning when he would have to leave.
This sucks, but you are going to get through it.

This was the hardest for me - being alone. I would just cry and cry when I was left alone for more than a few hrs (in the first couple weeks). I went back to work early as I do better when I stay busy. There are days at work when I still cry a ton, or are grumpy, or don't talk much but to my clients. But days are getting slightly better and the alone time is getting better.

Hugs to you, and I hope you know that NOBODY wants to be here, but we are all here for you and each other....this is a great place to go when you are along.

kikibelle · August 2012

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. It has only been a short time since I lost my son, so I can't really answer your question about how we get through this. I can say that I too struggle with feelings of failure and of having disappointed everyone who was looking forward to welcoming Julian to the world. I think it's normal, and just shows how much we cared for and felt responsible for our LOs.

tuscanbride2007 · August 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. It sucks. Every single minute of it sucks. I am sorry that you have to join us. It is heartbreaking to "welcome" another person that has lost their precious child. This board has been my saving grace. It has helped me through some dark times. I hope it will help you too.

((HUGS))

HollyBee1022 · August 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You don't have to feel like it was "only" 20 weeks -- any loss is heartbreaking. I think we all understand that some pregnancies don't make it, but we never, ever think it's going to happen to us. I don't know how to get through it, honestly, you just do whatever helps you get through the next hour, then the next. I would have stayed in front of the TV all day long, but my husband's response was to drive aimlessly, so I just sat in the car with him. We walked our dog for hours. We cried in the street, in parking lots, on the beach... Maybe it's too early for me to say (we lost our daughter Ruby about 2 months ago, at 22 weeks), but I'm not sure things will ever be okay. I've just found that I can participate in the world again, mostly as normal.

I'm so sorry again. My thoughts are with you and your husband right now.

Cranang · August 2012

I am so sorry. I remember your post from the baby showers board, and I'm sorry this is the direction it went in. I'm glad you had some time with him. He knows how much you love him...I firmly believe that all of our angels know that.

It will be 2 years this Halloween that I lost my daughter Celeste, and I think of her and at least tear up everyday. I have my rainbow baby born almost exactly a year later, but it honestly doesn't help me. I love Sabrina, but she's not a replacement for my Celeste. I miss Celeste everyday and I still think of her as my first born child. But I promise you WILL get through this.

I"ve had to rely on some therapy and meds to get me through it. Don't be afraid to reach out to doctors for this. There's no shame in that. And I've found it to be incredibly helpful to talk to someone who has no vested interest in my life.

Hugs to you, and please let me know if you need anything.

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