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2nd Trimester
dande2129
member
I feel bad that I forced FI & WWYD?
dande2129
member
I found out the sex yesterday. He didn't want to know, and I've always known that. Of course, I thought the baby was a girl, so it was NBD to me.
Well, baby is definitely a boy. I don't "care" either way, but having a boy does change some things that we had previously discussed (argued) about. DS is not circumcised because XH is not, and it's not something that I want. However, FI is circumcised and without a doubt, wanted a son to be circumcised also. Once I found out baby was a boy, I instantly flashed to the day our son is born (or the next day) and he and I are arguing about circumcision because we didn't have time beforehand to really discuss the matter. So, I wanted him to know. I promised to be team green with him for the next baby.
I'm glad that he knows because we CAN discuss boy names and the ever present circumcision debate... but has anyone been in a similar situation where you don't want a boy circumcised but your SO does? Or the other way around? [I know a lot of women leave it up to the male, but I'm not a fan of that. We need to discuss it as a family.]
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Re: I feel bad that I forced FI & WWYD?
As far as personal experience on it...I can't offer any advice on that. We are having a boy and I left the decision up to H. He knows first hand how he could/couldn't effect our little guy one way or the other and I trust his opinion on this.
We had a 3d/4d, and at 14 weeks, it's "guaranteed" or our money is refunded for the elective u/s. Granted, it could still be wrong, but we saw, very clearly, the scrotum and penis. I would be absolutely shocked if it showed up to be a girl.
**shrug's**
Take it for what it's worth then. Mistakes happen all the time with the baby's sex.
That's true. We aren't running out to get everything boy until our A/S at 20 weeks, either way.
I would be shocked if it's not a boy. I had an u/s at 15 weeks and you could clearly see it was a boy. Mistakes do happen, but with the technology out there now they're not as common as they used to be. I just read interesting info about circumcisions. The US and Muslim or Jewish countries are pretty much the only ones where it's still prevalent. I thought it would be common in Europe, but nope - not really. Also, it's heavily regional in the US. Western states have rates around 34% whereas in the Midwest it's 80%. I live in the Midwest and just assumed most boys are circumcised because that's what everyone around me does, so that makes sense now.
DS will most likely be circumcised because DH is and I don't have strong feelings either way. You can find research supporting both sides, so it really boils down to your personal feelings about it. It's going to be an interesting debate between you two because it sounds like you both have strong feelings about it. Fortunately, you have time to debate.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
Indeed it is [going to be interesting] He DID make the decision to know, and I'm glad that he did because we can discuss it, and when we are discussing, he can know that it's actually going to happen, instead of just talking "hypothetically" about it. (At least, in his mind, it would be hypothetically if he stayed team green) Knowing it's a boy makes it more real for him, so hopefully we can come to a solution over the course of this pregnancy.
I wish I didn't have strong feelings about it either way. I really, really wish that I didn't.
Have you looked up 'angle of the dangle'? at 14 weeks, they look very similar. We did a 3d/4d at 17 weeks, so I know how clear they really are, but I would be cautious in assuming it's a boy at this point.
A few years ago, I was very supportive of circumcision - but that was when most of the information available online was regarding the increased safety it creates in non-industrialized countries, and when they had their flawed studies that incorrectly showed that men who are circumcised are less likely to carry or contract HPV.
However, in just the last couple of years, newer and more accurate information has come forward. The rates of things like HIV, HPV, and penile cancer are ALL lower in the UK than they are here, despite their dwindling rate of circumcision, new HPV studies have proven that prior studies were done under less than scientific regulations, and the new ones all show little to no difference in carrying & contracting the virus between cut and uncut men.
I am still not a passionate "intactivist", but I have decided that I have no justified reason or excuse to have what I can only prove to be a religious or cosmetic ritual performed on my infant, if I have a son. If by some rare and terrible mishap my son shows a need for circumcision as he grows, we will take him in to have it done under the proper anesthesia and care that he would never receive as an infant, and ask them to carefully remove only the tissue necessary to make him well, not a total tip-to-rim trim.
When I finally brought my feelings up with my DH this summer (since we have fraternal twins baking and double the chances of having a son), his only objection was the idea that his son might be made fun of for being different or that girls might not want to be with him because he is uncut. When I brought up the statistics and showed him that the circumcision rate is only 54% now (vs the 80-90% it was in the 70s and 80s), it really eased his mind and made him feel better about it. He still thinks it will be weird, but he is supportive of my choice and agrees with my reasoning.
I do think it's an important thing to discuss as a family. But, just like I did, you don't necessarily have to say "we're having a boy" to insist on having that discussion - just because everyone starts out knowing there is a chance of having a boy, and they should talk about it.
Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013
Yes. Have you looked at statistics of the sex being wrong at 14 weeks? Female fetuses incorrectly assigned as male is 1% so while there is still a chance, it's a much lower chance than if I was told I was having a girl, but was instead having a boy.
Like I said, I'll still be waiting for my A/S at 20 weeks, but the discussion of circumcision is still going to happen until we are proven wrong.
That's how I feel as well. I don't know if FI has done any research one way or the other, or if he just wants a boy to be circ because he is.
He could have stayed team green, I did give him the option. But I told him that there were things that would need to be discussed either way (i.e, circumcision) because there'd be a chance baby was a boy. That, and I honestly didn't want to be team green. I didn't come right out and tell him, I did give him the choice to know, and he chose to know. I'm glad that he does, because, like I said in a PP, saying that (so far) it's a boy has made it more real to him and discussing what happens to his son's penis is less abstract than it was before.
Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013
It is unfortunate that you forced him to know something he didn't want to, I'm sorry I can't make you feel better about that, but I think you could have had the discussion and made a decision about circumcision without him ever needing to know the sex. It would have just been a decision you had to make beforehand even if you both didn't know, so why he had to know I don't quite understand. But whatever, too late for that.
As for the circumcision decision, I am one of those that left it up to DH. Personally I don't think it is a big deal and am not dead set for or against either way. If it were left up to me alone I would choose to circumcise because that is what I am familiar with (never dated anyone uncirc.). DH chose to circumcise DS.
BFP 12/19/08- DS born 8/25/09 9lbs2oz via Zavanelli Maneuver
BFP 8/26/11- Missed miscarriage discovered 10/19/11 at 11w2d, measured at 9 weeks gestation w/ no HB. D&C 10/21/11
BFP 3/17/12 at 12dpo CP 3/21/12
BFP 4/23/12 at 10dpo Stick my little one! Beta #1: 83.3 @ 13dpo Beta #2: 197.7 @ 15dpo
Our little man is getting bigger every day!
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There was a discussion about this a few months ago. Here was a link from it I found helpful. There is also alot out there on the internet on the subject of how to talk to your husbands about circumcision when they disagree.
https://www.moralogous.com/2012/04/08/when-your-husband-wants-to-circumcise/
Here are some other resources:
https://www.thewholenetwork.org/14/post/2012/06/how-do-i-talk-to-my-husband-about-circumcision.html
BFP#1 on 02/14/09 BIRTH to Mason 6lb9oz on 10/12/09
BFP#2 on 5/28/11 EDD 2/1/12 Natural M/C on 6/13/11
BFP#3 on 1/20/12 EDD 9/30/12 Natural m/c on 1/27/12
BFP#4 on 4/23/12 BIRTH to Isabella 7lb1oz on 12/19/12
Thank you. I appreciate this.
I wouldn't have told FI. You could have brought it up as a hypothetical discussion.
Anyway, I would just find any current studies that support what you believe and talk about it. Hopefully he will come around.
Just remember that, in doing this, your FI is also perfectly justified in finding current studies that support his perspective. It isn't a matter of who is right or wrong here, just a differing of opinions.
As others have mentioned, you should also consider the psychological effects on DS as he gets older because he will be comparing himself to dad, friends, and dealing with girls. Anyone will tell you (and DS) that it doesn't matter what other people have/don't have, that he doesn't have to be like everyone else to be special, etc., and that anyone who makes fun of him don't truly care about him, but when it comes to the person who is experiencing those things, it's a different story entirely. BUT, I wouldn't necessarily say that should be the biggest deciding factor.
FIL actually just had to get circumcised at 60 years old due to an infection that he got, and it was absolutely not pleasant for him at all. Not to mention his whole family knew what the surgery was for, which was a little embarrassing for him. Popularity of the procedure and STD rates aren't the only thing that need to be considered.
I won't tell you what to do or not to do, only that I defer entirely to DH on this one, mainly because I don't have a penis and I think I would prefer he let me have the deciding vote if it were a DD and not DS having a procedure. Not saying that's what you have to do, just what I would if I were in your situation.
Also, out of curiosity, if you got your first son circumcised because ExH was, why do you feel so differently about making the decision for DS2 based on what FI has? I'm just curious, not being judgy if that's how it sounds
Personally, I think you were selfish in finding out and then telling your FI. You should of made a decision to find out the sex of your child together and stuck with that one. You can talk about things when you don't know if you are having a boy or a girl.
For us it's a mute point, in Europe it's the norm to not mutilate your child's genitals. It's not done to girls any more, why should we continue to do it to boys? It's party of your son's body why take it away from him? Just because the dad is why continue it with their offspring, I think it's stone age ridiculousness. I've dated circumcised med and and am married to an un circumcised man and to tell you the truth I don't care rather way to look at etc.
It's a difficult discussion if you both feel strongly about it, but both your opinions are valid, and you have to work out as a couple how to make the decision.
My only advice is to start now, you have plenty of time, and not to let it become the main focus of your pregnancy.
FWIW, my DH is not circ, and his younger brother is. DH doesn't remember why his brother was and he wasn't. I don't know what their dad is. There may have been one discussion about why X's penis looks different to mine, and then that was it - nobody was scarred because their penis looked different to the other men in the family.
I don't think there is a right or wrong with this. I personally did leave it up to my husband as well, I really didn't care either way though. My son didn't cry when it happened. and I have no regrets about getting it down. You can both find research to support your opinions on this one.
If you really care that much than just tell him. Remind him that once you do it, it can't be un-done and you don't want to regret it.
It's something your son can do himself later in life if he wants.
LOL. I did give him the option. I didn't run through the door and say, "It's a boy!" So while I initially felt like I forced him, I wasn't crying and begging him to know. I asked him to please know, and he could have said no.
And I agree with all of the rest of your text.
I hope that FI DOES look up points to "prove" his side, because then, at least I know he's making an informed decision rather than just saying, "Yeah, I want it done because I am." His claim is just as valid as mine, but I do want him to be able to dig deeper and really think about it. You can get the foreskin back once you snip it.
And I did not have my first son circumcised. I think you misread the post.
The fact that you're sitting in judgment of his reasons already doesn't really bode well for his side. Why do his reasons have to meet some standard that you've set? Honestly, it sounds to me like he could have backing from the surgeon general and you still wouldn't be willing to budge. Maybe because it's just a message board, but it does come across that way...
That's the problem with issues like this - there is no compromise.
Thank you so much for posting this!! I took the view of "my husband has a penis, he can decide" Until I read through the first website you posted! I printed everything off and I'm gonna tell my husband to read it, think on it and then we can discuss it. Such an eye opener, thank you!
I wouldn't listen to anyone's opinion on here. It's a hot button issue that some women feel militant about. I don't like extremes on either side, so people like that freak me out.
You need to do the research, your FI needs to do the research, and then you need to make a decision together. Someone might have to compromise, but that's how it goes in a case like this. It is just as much his decision as it is yours. Just keep that in mind.
When we found out Z was a boy I did my research on circumcision. In the end I felt the results on either side weighed pros and cons equally. There are tons of negatives to either argument. It all comes down to a personal decision of what things you are willing to side with. In the end I asked H what he thought and he was pro-circ. At the point I went with it and was okay with the idea since he did have the gear and knew what it was like being a man with a penis. If I felt passionate on the opposing side I would have spoke up. I didn't.
When Z was born we sent him to get circumcised at the hospital. As he got older we noticed a lot of extra skin. We have been told it doesn't even look like he was. We have no idea since we weren't physically there for the whole thing. It looked red and we always assumed it was done right. We have watched since there seemed to be a lot of extra skin. This year we saw a specialist and Z has penial torsion. It is something caused by the extra skin (uncircumcised) on the penis. Z will now have to have surgery to have it corrected as it can cause problems with erection in the future.
Tomorrow my son will be put under and modified. It scares the ever living *** out of me and I keep thinking back to that day. If he was circucised right then we wouldn't have this issue, but the person obviously didn't take off enough skin and pretty much left him uncircumcised which cause this issue that happens often in uncirc'd children. So like i said, there are negatives on both sides.
Also, please don't compare female circ to make circ. They are completely different experiences. They are done during the coming of adult hood, so the girls are normally 14-16 (when first period shows), they are not put to sleep and the purpose is to not be satisfied during sex. When a parent makes that decision for a baby boy it is completely different. There are tons of pros for male circ.
Oops, I didn't misread, I just mistyped. What I meant to ask was, if you chose not to circumcise your first son because your ex wasn't, why is your decision making process so different this time? Did you have a strong opinion about it before DS1, and you and ExH just happened to agree, or was the decision made because of his preference?
And ditto what another poster said. It's a hot button issue that is only going to be solved based on your own research, discussion, and talks with doctors. Ask your local doctors or doctors you know what their experiences have been with people who have had the procedure done and those who haven't. It's always been my experience that I learn much more when I discuss in person than when I find heaps of journal articles online, valid as they may be.
But PP is correct, there is no compromise here, it's either done or it isn't. If you chose not to have it done, and DS pushed for it in the future, would you support him?
https://www.moralogous.com/2012/04/08/when-your-husband-wants-to-circumcise/
I took it home and told my husband "Please read this, do your own research if you want to, I don't want to talk about it until you've at least read this."
He read through it all and said "ok we won't do it"
I was prepared for an indepth discussion because when we discussed boy or girl, he was adamant "if it's a boy we're getting him circumcised" He just thought that is what happens automatically. After reading the information he did a 180!