I hope your feeling better

Bayberry12 · August 2012

These words have started bother me. I recently got a long text from my SIL and it was very nice of her to think of me, but twice she said that she hoped I was feeling better, like I had the flu or something. I wanted to reply, I will never "feel better" about the death of my daughter. But of course I didn't.

Why would this bother me so much? I am so angry that I analyze everything people say to me and can find some fault or insensitivity in almost any simple conversation. I don't like being so angry, but I can't seem to just let things go. And I feel like I don't want to be nice to people.

Are these irrational feelings? How are you dealing with these roller coaster emotions?

JabberJay · August 2012

I think you are having a perfectly normal reaction. I try to remind myself that people don't know what to say, so if there are good intentions behind the words, I look to those.

I would probably respond with something like - "Physically I am feeling much better and nearly back to normal after delivery. Emotionally, I am not sure that I will ever be completely 'better' - I am just working on finding a new normal. But the pain is getting easier to deal with every day. Thanks for thinking of me!"

jbranden12 · August 2012

I haven't gotten that, but I get irritated by "I'm glad you're feeling better." Someone will ask me how I'm doing, and I will tell them that I'm going to work and trying to eat healthy and exercise. Then they'll say "I'm glad you're feeling better." I'll think, I never said I was feeling better! I think sometimes people say that to make themselves feel better about the situation. I usually don't correct them because it's not worth the effort, and I don't want to be judged for my grief.

Carolee · August 2012

I think it's normal too. People say things and mean well, but the way they say them sometimes comes across as patronizing. It's like you know what they mean, but when you apply it to your situation, it's just the wrong thing to say. Sending you (((HUGS))).

Roxycc55 · August 2012

I've gotten this a lot too. After I came back to work all of my clients signed a card. Most of the comments were just that. I hope you're feeling better. That was my reaction too. Did I have the flu? Cuz I'm pretty sure I was healthy, my baby died. Ugh. I'm sorry people suck and say stupid things. Your feelings on this are totally rational and normal. It pisses me off too. Even if they mean well. Unfortunately unless you have experienced a loss you don't know how to react appropriately I think. But really. I just wanna be like thanks I'm physically fine and mentally will never fully 'feel better'.

dandywarhol · August 2012

I think your reaction is normal given the circumstances. I agree with the pp who suggested focusing on the intentions of others. I tell myself that people don't know what to say but at least they're saying something.

Fwiw, lately I've been responding to people's inquiries of how I am with, "I'm here." Simply that. That seems to get the message across that I am still hurting and processing things without having to get into the details or without glossing it over with "I'm fine."

weddedwife · August 2012

Bayberry12:
I am so angry that I analyze everything people say to me and can find some fault or insensitivity in almost any simple conversation. I don't like being so angry, but I can't seem to just let things go. And I feel like I don't want to be nice to people.

I still feel this way. I analyze every relationship and the way people have (or haven't) reacted to our loss. I'm not usually an angry person. But I can't let this go.

I have to agree w/ pp though, when people say nothing at all (like pretty much all of my IL's, who have STILL said nothing to me at all about our loss) it makes me even angrier. I definitely can't let that go and I expect it to impact our relationship for, well, maybe forever. It's an awful experience- bottom line. When people say nothing, it sucks. When they stumble through some awkward or insensitive condolence, well that kind of sucks too. It's a sh*t sandwich and there's nothing good about it.

(***warning: rainbow pg mentioned below***)

All I can offer is that you're not alone in this. I'm 9+ months out from my baby's death and I still harbor these feelings. I don't have a crystal ball to know how this plays out in the long term. For me, I think it's probably going to depend on how they behave from here on out. Not that I expect them to bring it up now- for them, it was "so long ago" and now that I'm pg again, well, now they can just act like that sad part is over and now we can all just be happy, which is so far from the truth it's disgusting. Honestly, ALL of my relationships have changed since our loss. A few for the better, but most for the worse. Some I don't care to keep at all and they probably don't even know it.

Big hugs to you, I completely understand how this comment would rub the wrong way Broken Heart

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