When did you stop feeling "cheated" out of labor?

kpearse99 · August 2012

Hi ladies!

In a brief nutshell my labor/delivery experience went like this... I was induced at 39 weeks and 3 days due to high blood pressure, after being on bed rest for 5 weeks. Water was broke the next morning (10:00am ish) and pitocin was increased like every half hour or so. Started pushing at 11:30pm and at 2:30am I couldn't push anymore. He wouldn't crown and I was being told I was probably too small to push him out. Went in to have a CS and at 3:25 LO was born!

So I can't help but feel cheated out of the whole "going into labor on my own" process and experience. I so badly wanted to experience my contractions starting on their own and the excitement of going to the hospital because I WAS in labor. I'm afraid with my next pregnancy the same thing will happen, and I will really want to go into labor on my own so I can have that incredible experience.

Anyone else have a similar experience? When did you stop feeling like you missed out on something?

Thanks

tawillers · August 2012

I had c-sections with both of my girls. The first was because DD1 wasn't descending so I couldn't dilate past 5cm and it had been 24 hours since my water broke. The second was a failed vbac - dangerously high blood pressure and positioning issues that wouldn't allow her to descend.

I still have pangs of guilt over the first birth. I feel like there was more I could have done and tried to move things along. I actually feel worse about the first birth than I do about my failed vbac - I gave it my all and did everything I could.

I don't feel cheated out of labor (I did experience a few days worth of unmedicated labor if you combine both births). My feelings have more to do with the fact that the plan that my DH and I had for our family is probably ruined. We were going to have 4 kids. Now we're not sure if we'll have even one more. We don't know if we want to risk another c/s. Sure, people have vba2cs and 3-4 c-secions, but we aren't sure if we want to take that risk. It's a huge decsion.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please do not ignore your feelings, especially since you are only a month out. Talk it out whenever you need to and if you need to go see a therapist DO IT. If it feels like more than the baby blues, get some help.

Keep your head up and remember that all births are not the same. With my first, my water broke, but nothing happened. They put me on pitocin 3 hours after my water broke to start my contractions. When my water broke on its own with my second, contractions started immediately and they were strong.

Concentrate on your new baby and remember that it's not your fault. And there are several women on this board who are more than happy to talk if you need to vent or have a shoulder to cry on.

stepht514 · August 2012

I am sorry for you experience and that you are feeling this way. Its been over 6 months and I still feel cheated. I never got to labor. My doctor thought I was too small from an internal exam and started talking csection right away. I always have to remind myself that I am greatful for my son and that is what matters. I keep telling myself that next time I am going to work as hard as I can for a VBAC and thats how I deal with the feeling of being cheated. I had a pretty hard time with it after, both physically and mentally, it just didn't feel natural. My OB told me at a visit a couple of days ago that a VBAC is probably the best way to go since I had such a hard time and I was so relieved that he said that. I would say that once all the hormones level off you start to feel better but its still there just not as strong. You can always turn to ICAN for some support and info on VBACs. I hope you heal soon!

kpearse99 · August 2012

Thanks, Ladies.

It's def. not more than baby blues, and I am certainly a lot better than I was, this is just the one thing I can't seem to get passed yet. I love my LO and I enjoy my time with him so much, and I am certainly getting accustomed to my new way of life and my new little family.... it's just so hard getting over this one bump!

Like you both, I keep thinking that I could have done more. I'm the one that actually called the hospital that night about my BP and I keep thinking that if I didn't call, I wouldn't have been induced. (Even though I know what I did was the best, and that I probably would have been sent in the next day after my DR appointment.)

Why are the "what if's" so hard to get passed?

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me and your advice is always welcome, which is why I post here, we are all sort of going through the same thing so it's really comforting knowing I'm not along and there are always people I can talk to here that understand and are supportive.

Thanks again

kpearse99 · August 2012

tawillers:
I don't feel cheated out of labor (I did experience a few days worth of unmedicated labor if you combine both births). My feelings have more to do with the fact that the plan that my DH and I had for our family is probably ruined. We were going to have 4 kids. Now we're not sure if we'll have even one more. We don't know if we want to risk another c/s. Sure, people have vba2cs and 3-4 c-secions, but we aren't sure if we want to take that risk. It's a huge decsion.

I'm sorry that your family plans might not pan out the way you and your DH both envisioned. I hope you both end up having at least one more addition in your family. And thanks again for the story, comfort, understanding and advice.

tawillers · August 2012

klasala318:

Like you both, I keep thinking that I could have done more. I'm the one that actually called the hospital that night about my BP and I keep thinking that if I didn't call, I wouldn't have been induced. (Even though I know what I did was the best, and that I probably would have been sent in the next day after my DR appointment.)

Why are the "what if's" so hard to get passed?

The "what ifs" will drive you crazy but this one definitely shouldn't. I'd hate to know the answer to "what if you didn't notify the hospital of your BP?" I'm really glad you called.

CMDR513 · August 2012

At 36w3d, I began induction with DS due to superimposed pre-e. At this point, I was in the hospital for 2 days. 16 hours later, I was given an Emer. C/S due to fetal distress. After all of this, I don't think I could have labored/pushed any longer.

If we are fortunate to have #2, I would have a RCS.

I never felt cheated. Hope you feel better about the C/S. Just don't blame yourself, etc.

F15Wife · August 2012

I had pre-e with both my boys and had to be induced. I never got it with my girl and hoped and prayed I would be able to do the labor thing on my own even though I did get the vaginal births with the boys. Well......she had other ideas. I went to 42 weeks pregnant with NO signs on labor what so ever and she was getting pretty big. My 1st son was 7lbs 11oz and he got stuck so they didn't want to chance it at all. So we went with the Csection. I am bummed that I never got to expierence the whole go into labor thing and I'm bummed that I feel like my stomach is jacked but I have 3 beautiful healthy kids, I'm healthy and really can't complain!

elfinali · August 2012

I was induced at 41 weeks, labored for 30 hours, pushed for 2 1/2 hours, then ended up with a c/s b/c he wouldn't descend. I feel the same way you do. I feel sad that I missed out on the moment of pushing him out and having them place him on my chest. I feel a little like a failure that I couldn't do it vaginally. I spend a lot of time wondering what I could have done differently (pushed harder? I don't know). Just know you aren't alone

rica21483 · August 2012

My DD is 5 weeks today. My story is different from yours, but everything didn't go as planned. My plan was a natural, med-free birth at a birth center. My water broke at 6:30PM on a Sunday. Contractions started at 10:30 later that night. I got to 10 cm around 6:30AM on Monday. I ended up pushing for about 3 1/2 hours at the birth center. The baby's heart rate dropped twice so they transferred me to the hospital. I had a c-section a little after noon. It turns out DD was OP (face up) and she wouldn't descend at all. The midwives at the birth center knew this and had me continuously change positions to try to move her, but it obviously didn't work. The OB who did my surgery said she was stuck and wouldn't have come out. He did say that this was a fluke thing and it should have no impact on future births. Next time I will try for a VBAC. Although I did go into labor on my own, I feel cheated out of the med-free, vaginal birth I so desired. I'm angry, sad, and jealous of those who delivered vaginally. I am proud of myself that I did labor without drugs and got to 10 cm, but i feel like I did all that work for nothing. So to answer your question, I have no idea when you stop feeling cheated. I am so thankful my daughter and I are healthy, but I mourn the loss of the birth I wanted. It isn't just about the baby. You were a part of this birth, so you matter, too. You are allowed to mourn the loss of going into labor and pushing her out yourself. It took a few weeks before I could tell our birth story without crying. Talking about it and telling what happened has helped me. I'm still angry and sad about what happened, but I know that we both would have died without the c-section, so that helps put things in perspective.

JG362009 · August 2012

I realized after my second c-section that what I really felt cheated out of was a good experience. My first was a 60+ hour induction that ended in a c-section and I felt like I had unsupportive nurses and doctors the entire time and I hated almost every moment of being in the hospital. My next c-section was really wonderful. I will always wonder what it's like to have a vaginal delivery or go into labor spontaneously, but I actually enjoyed my second c-section and so it helped to minimize wanting a vaginal delivery.

I'm really sorry you feel this way. I know it's frustrating and disappointing to not be able to have the birth you desire.

Teresa and Family · August 2012

I was induced also due to high blood pressure. After 36 hours I didn't get past an 8, so I had a c-section. It was two years ago and I am still bitter. I am doing a RCS this time, but still not happy about it. I need to be out for the procedure which I am sure doesn't help.

stepht514 · August 2012

klasala318:

Thanks, Ladies.

It's def. not more than baby blues, and I am certainly a lot better than I was, this is just the one thing I can't seem to get passed yet. I love my LO and I enjoy my time with him so much, and I am certainly getting accustomed to my new way of life and my new little family.... it's just so hard getting over this one bump!

Like you both, I keep thinking that I could have done more. I'm the one that actually called the hospital that night about my BP and I keep thinking that if I didn't call, I wouldn't have been induced. (Even though I know what I did was the best, and that I probably would have been sent in the next day after my DR appointment.)

Why are the "what if's" so hard to get passed?

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me and your advice is always welcome, which is why I post here, we are all sort of going through the same thing so it's really comforting knowing I'm not along and there are always people I can talk to here that understand and are supportive.

Thanks again

I so see where you are coming from here. I play the "what if" game all the time. Like what if I didnt listen to my doctors concerns about my size and just tried labor myself. I am glad to know I am not the only one that does this.The night before the csection I was contracting normally and dialated to a 3, I know it was early but I beat myself up all the time for not seeing where it would have gone. The way I have been trying to get passed it, is to remind myself that the what ifs are not going to change the past or the future. I just have to learn from my experience and do my best to make sure next time is different. I have always been a quiet person but this experience has made me want to have control next time and dive into all the info I can find on VBAC,CPD, baby positioning...etc... Good luck on your journey, it always makes it easier to have support and never feel alone. This board is good for that.

nosoup4u · August 2012

I went into labor on my own and dilated and pushed with my first for 4+ hours before having a c/s (DS1 was OP). I would get really upset when friends had straight-forward vaginal births, too. But I eventually felt less angry, his first birthday was a milestone for both of us, and I was definitely a lot less upset after that first year.

I had a successful VBAC with my second son (and he was substantially bigger than my first!), and that also went a long way in helping me get over my c/s. And even though planning and thinking about trying a vaginal birth was hard, I know I would have regretted not attempting one.

mandateach517 · August 2012

DS is 10 weeks old tomorrow. He was born through a scheduled c-section. We chose this option due to a high risk of shoulder dystocia. We learned at 38 weeks that LO was at such a high risk. My OB gave me the option of waiting it out and going through labor and delivery (with a very high possibility of needing an emergency c-section anyway), or scheduling the c-section. He told me to sleep on it and give my answer in a day or two. The next two days were horrible. DH and I had taken a birthing class for 5 weeks. I had wanted to experience all of labor and delivery and see how far I could go naturally. I cried (sobbed, really) for those two days. In my heart of hearts, I knew I would opt for the section because it was best for LO. However, I really had to mourn the loss of what I had been anticipating for 9 months. I cried about it for at least another 2 days!

We scheduled the section for one week before my due date. Knowing when LO was coming helped me get over the cheated feeling a bit. The big day came, and a part of me was still mourning the labor experience. Then, when we checked in a young mom was in what looked to be extremely painful labor, walking the halls and groaning. DH looked at me and said, "feel a little better?" We both chuckled.

Two hours later, when DS was born, after a very smooth surgery, we found out he was a huge baby...9 pounds 12 ounces! It was then that I was so thankful for the choice we had made. And now, while I like to think we may try VBAC with the next baby, it really will depend on how things play out. I think having had time to come to terms with everything before he was born really helped. And honestly, since he's been born, I haven't felt cheated once!

Temp6313048411121614 · August 2012

I'm so sorry you feel cheated. I felt that way before the birth of my twins, but once they were here it all washed away. With DS1 I was so terrified of the possibility of a c/s that I wouldn't even consider the possibility that I may not have a vaginal birth. With my twins I knew pretty early that I'd have a c/s because the presenting baby wa breech, there was no way that he'd be able to flip. I was terrified during my c/s (I blocked everything out until I heard the first cry).

I know it doesn't help much, but the most important thing is that you and your baby are healthy and safe. While I do feel that c/s are used too much in our day, I'm so thankful that we have them available. I've had both, and while you may not believe me, my vaginal birth was no more magical than my c/s. Neither recovery was easier, they were both equal, just different. I hope soon you can be comfortable with your delivery day.

huahualove · August 2012

I also pushed for over 3 hrs and my pelvis kept lining DS up all weird and he wasn't coming out. I wasn't planning on getting a cs at all so I was it total shock but I had no choice at that point. It took a good month before I felt better about it. Now, 4 months after giving birth I'm okay with it. It just takes time.

pepomntpat · August 2012

This was a tough one. I don't know if I'd use the word cheated in my experience, but there are still unresolved feelings. All the What ifs. Really a lot of guilt about allowing my baby to be taken to the nursery-for not standing up for her when she needed me. Feeling just swept along with the rush of things. It's been almost two years and I still have times when I get angry and then sad.

This blog post did help me. We often hear about how if you had a c/s you didn't give birth. If you had a c/s you did something wrong. If you had a c/s something was wrong with you. You never hear about what you did right.

https://avital.blogspot.com/2011/01/cesarean-courage.html#axzz23WNIeCRV

tawillers · August 2012

pepomntpat:

This was a tough one. I don't know if I'd use the word cheated in my experience, but there are still unresolved feelings. All the What ifs. Really a lot of guilt about allowing my baby to be taken to the nursery-for not standing up for her when she needed me. Feeling just swept along with the rush of things. It's been almost two years and I still have times when I get angry and then sad.

This blog post did help me. We often hear about how if you had a c/s you didn't give birth. If you had a c/s you did something wrong. If you had a c/s something was wrong with you. You never hear about what you did right.

https://avital.blogspot.com/2011/01/cesarean-courage.html#axzz23WNIeCRV

Thank you for that link. I'm going to share it with my ican group.

UberBiz · August 2012

You don't. Not really. My daughter was born by emergency c-section in 2005 and I STILL feel cheated out of a natural child birth. I did go into labor on my own, but her heart rate was not coming back up after contractions, so I was rushed into the OR. I like to blame it on getting the epidural and then having to get pitocin. But that's neither here nor there. I still feel cheated, though. It wasn't a good experience overall and hopefully this next one will be a bit better, even though I'll probably wind up having a repeat c-section.

nealbl · August 2012

My birth plan with DD#1 was pretty simple. Get DD here and for me and her to be healthy. I said all along I would go with the flow and the only thing that was a must was the epidural. I however did not think I would end up in Csection but that is what happened.

Honestly my csection went so smoothly. My arms were never tied down. After she was born DH brought her to me and I somewhat held her while lying down on the table. She was reunited with me in recovery within about 30 min and she nursed right away no issues. I was up the next morning showering. I went home within two days and I didn't need pain meds once home. 3 days later I packed up DD all by myself and drove to my follow up appt with her. I healed really quickly and it was a great experience.

I have never once felt like I missed out on anything. Before I had DD I thought I needed to have my water break and have a vbirth, but it happened how it happened and I was thrilled with the outcome.

Now I am going into a RCS and am equally as ok with it.

kpearse99 · August 2012

pepomntpat:
This blog post did help me. We often hear about how if you had a c/s you didn't give birth. If you had a c/s you did something wrong. If you had a c/s something was wrong with you. You never hear about what you did right.
https://avital.blogspot.com/2011/01/cesarean-courage.html#axzz23WNIeCRV

Thank you SO much for sharing this blog with me. It has really really helped shed light on my experience and realize I am strong and I didn't fail. I was lucky enough to have an arm free so I could hold him after my c-section before they took him to the nursery, so I did at least get to experience skin to skin contact and look him right in his eyes and tell him I loved him as I held him. This blog helped me see all of that and reading other women's stories is so remindful of how strong we are as mothers.

Thanks again so much!

jb2rn · August 2012

I am glad you can see you aren't alone!

I wanted a natural birth, but knew if I needed an epidural or pain medication it wouldn't be the end of the world. I was not prepared for my c section.

I went into labor on my own, it was a long labor, and in the end I got a fever and my son got tachycardic.

I could not wear the clothing I wore to the hospital for several months. I had PTSD like symptoms.

I started feeling better about it I would say when my son was about 5-6 months old. It still sucks but I am getting there.

Hugs to you.

phly1001 · August 2012

My LO is almost 8 months old, and I still feel a bit cheated. I was induced at 42 weeks, was in labor for 46 hours, and ended up in a c-section. DD was sunny-side up, my cervix was swelling, I had developed a fever, and dilation had stalled at 7 cm. Logically I know that I did everything I could, but I still am not happy with the way things turned out. I probably cried everyday for 6 weeks afterwards. I don't cry about it anymore, but there's still times when I get angry. That's normal. It helps to look at my daughter and realize that it really doesn't matter how she got here.

Optimus+Prime · August 2012

As soon as my son was born I didn't feel cheated. He was with me and that was all that mattered. I did plan to go completely natural and took the classes, but at 34w I found out he was breech. He never turned and I wasn't a candidate for an ECV.

MariJ1008 · August 2012

It gets better but it takes time. Took me 4months to be happy with my birth story.

I went for a regular OB dr appt 37weeks...since I had been really sick for a few days with horrible chest pain, and my blood work came back with really low palates. dr sent me to L&B to monitor baby heart rate for a couple of hours. I felt fine, I wasn't feeling contractions, so I freaked out when nurse told me I was being admitted to hospital and they were going to induce me! The baby's heart rate was dropping every time I was contracting, and these were small, I didn't feel any thing. My blood pressure was high and I ended up having HELLP; this was no good for baby. Every time I contracted his heart rate would dip down. I was only on pitocine for 1.5hrs, only feeling one or two contractions (that weren't bad at all) I felt the second contraction, my cousin was watching the machine and 3 dr and 4 nurses came running into the room. they said baby heart rate dropped so low, it was time to get him out.

I definitely felt "cheated" for a very long time! I don't even know what it feels like to go into labor. For all those months of being pregnant and feeling him move, I imagined what it would be like, to be able to birth him and hold him in my arms right away. DS is 5 months now, and I am finally able to tell my birth story without crying because I felt cheated. It took me a long time, but I kept reminding myself, that this happened for the best, this is what needed to happen for the safety and health of our baby boy. DH was in the room with me, and watched as the Drs pulled out DS...and honestly I cherish the look on DH face, and that alone made me feel so much better about my birth experience. If I couldnt see DH have that expression on his face then I would never go back and change anything. And I also, I was grateful for the time I needed to recover, because DH was able to bond with DS and that was very important to me.

It gets better! Just remind yourself that even though you did not experience a vaginal birth, you still did something amazing!! you carried and a took care of your baby for 9 months, and went through major surgery, and still took great care of yourself and your baby

MariJ1008 · August 2012

klasala318:
pepomntpat:
This blog post did help me. We often hear about how if you had a c/s you didn't give birth. If you had a c/s you did something wrong. If you had a c/s something was wrong with you. You never hear about what you did right.
https://avital.blogspot.com/2011/01/cesarean-courage.html#axzz23WNIeCRV
Thank you SO much for sharing this blog with me. It has really really helped shed light on my experience and realize I am strong and I didn't fail. I was lucky enough to have an arm free so I could hold him after my c-section before they took him to the nursery, so I did at least get to experience skin to skin contact and look him right in his eyes and tell him I loved him as I held him. This blog helped me see all of that and reading other women's stories is so remindful of how strong we are as mothers.
Thanks again so much!

Yes this blog is great!!

matt'sbride · August 2012

When I had been in labor for 6hrs and still hadn't progressed past 2cm...when I realized I would still have control of my bladder...when I realized I could schedule the birth of my next child...

I hadn't planned on a csection, but I try to look on the bright side.

Sparks in training! · August 2012

Yes i feel cheated. I so wanted to try a VBAC and AGAIN was denied! 1st with my DD i went into labor with no amnio fluid! So she was an ER surgery. I always felt cheated! I never "broke my water". I always just assumed that it just leaked slowly becuase i had terible bladder issues.

This last time with DS, I tried everything, even switched OB's to get a VBAC friendly doctor. HOwever....he had other plans! HE was breech and again my fluid level was LOW. I had ANOTHER ER c-section. But we found out about my low fluid through an ultrasound.

I feel like other mothers diss me with the whole - You have no idea about pain etc etc. Like as if i got the easy way out? GIRL my incision STILL HURTS!

anyways...i can keep going!

luckylindy · August 2012

My c/s came after 16 hours of labor and baby throwing decels and finally crashing. During the rushed prep we found out my spinal catheter was not inserted deep enough and had moved, therefore there were no meds to my right side. LO was crashing so quickly there was no time to fix it so I did the c/s with complete feeling on my right side. It was not fun.

I now have an almost 7mo old and I still feel cheated. There are days I can't look in the mirror because I don't want to see that ugly scar. I wanted to badly to deliver vaginally and I honestly thought there was no other option for birth for me. I am hoping there will come a time when I can let it go but so far it's still a sore spot for me.

celestialnyte · August 2012

LO is 9 weeks old and I still feel gipped.

I got to 9 cm, my epi wore off and they couldn't get it working again (even with enough meds for a c/s patient), and I was in immense pain (more than they said I should be.) They gave me a c/s and it turned out LO was stuck and I was told later if I hadn't had a c/s I would've broken his neck and I would've hemorrhaged to the point of near, if not, death. Nobody ever did an u/s to see where LO was since everything was looking fine. I feel like I didn't get the birth experience I wanted at ALL but I am grateful LO is here and healthy. I'm petrified that if/when I have another LO I'll need a RCS, and I don't want one ..... but I'm more petrified that I'll end up with the same birth story as I had with LO.

MelleTX · August 2012

I don't think I will feel cheated at all. Yes, I would prefer a vaginal delivery but with twins, I need to be realistic about what will probably happen. And I am ok with that.

After everything I have been through to get to this point, the only thing that gets me through the day is that everything happens for a reason. I can even see that now. Ex: it hurts me that it took so long to get pregnant, but if I had actually gotten pregnant any earlier than I did, I would have been in the wrong job.

I look back and truly believe everything is happening at the right time. And I will carry that into delivery. If I get to have the vaginal birth then I will be thrilled. But if I need the c-section, I just have to believe that it is because it is what is best for the babies. and that's good enough for me.

I want them here and safe - if all three of us leave the hospital together, I have nothing to feel bad about.

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