Husband pitching in and picking up the slack

Irene6 · August 2012

Hi. I know some of this is my hormones and some of it is completely legit. Does anyone have problems with their husbands NOT pitching in enough? I am so angry with him now I can't even look at him.

I am currently 32 1/2 weeks along with twins and have a 3 1/2 yr old. My mom has come to help take care of my daughter since I am no longer able to by myself. Daytime isn't the issue. He comes home about 630 each evening after a 45 min train ride (so no driving in traffic to give you road rage or anything). He does not just 'do' anything on his own. I must ask him to do anything and everything, even if it is something completely 'obvious' in my eyes. I can't tell you have many 'obvious' arguments we have had over the past couple of years (pre pregnancy even). Then he just gets upset telling me that I order him around to do everything. I clarify that I ask him and he says it is the same thing.

Example: I have to ask him to take out the recycling -- even when it is overflowing and items are falling out of it. I have to ask him to take the trash out -- even when the bag has already been tied and is sitting in the kitchin out of the trash can. If I don't pull it out of the can and tie it, it will just stack up to the top and start falling out with each open of the can-- he doesn't 'think' to do this.

I need to ask him to vaccuum, he never does it on his own. Ever. He carried out laundry downstairs last night and then sat down and watched tv for the rest of the night. When I came down 2hrs later he hadn't put it in the washer even; nor did he get up to even attempt it while I was there. (We have DVR on our TV, so he won't miss anything that could possibly be conceived as important on TV). I asked him about it and why he hadn't put it in the washer since I had asked him to carry the laundry down and put it into the washing machine. He shrugged. Then instead of starting our toddler's bath at 8 -- which is when it needs to be -- he didn't budge until I reminded him at 845.

I am beyond frustrated and I don't know how to handle this. HELP!!!!!!!!

Reilly626 · August 2012

The best thing I ever did was hire a housecleaning service. That bothered me the most. I've also learned that I have to be ok with things getting done on his time. The toddler is another story. Good luck. Talk to him.

Sunglow28 · August 2012

My husband is a real trooper when he knows what he can do - but he's total crud at knowing what those things are. For example, a few years ago, I asked him to cook the chicken in the fridge for supper. He made the chicken. JUST the chicken. And then looked confused that chicken did not automatically spawn a side dish. I sort of gave up that day.

Now, even though I know it isn't perfect, I write him lists and send it to his Iphone. Part of me wishes that I didn't always have to be the organized one and that he saw the laundry, etc, but he doesn't. However, he does see the list on his phone and I haven't really had any problems with him participating in chores since. It's been a real help to our marriage.

Kb103109 · August 2012

My DH and I have been going through this recently. It's not that he is lazy or anything he just has a very physical job where he goes in at 5:30 am and works 7 days a week at times. I am a SAHM and I try to keep up with things in the house but there is only so much I can get done during the day with two babies to take care of. He to will et things like trash and recycling go until he cannot pile anything else on top or until I ask him to take it out. We recently had it out about how I feel like I am the only parent in the house and I feel like I do EVERYTHING in the house. It was a big blow out fight (with other issues) but we were able to come to an agreement that he needs to help me more with things as simple as cleaning up after himself and if he sees something has to be done to just do it. Like you said he feels like I am being bossy by always asking him to do things in the house, but if I didn't ask it would never get done. I would say you really need to have a talk with your DH. GL!

cutebride73 · August 2012

Maybe you can sit down and work out a list of what things you need help with and what your expectations are. I have sometimes found success (with an ex-bf) with writing a letter about such things. Especially, if he is telling you that you are being "bossy" or nagging.

I guess I am really lucky. I am almost 32 weeks and DH is doing absolutely everything around the house. I am lucky I can straighten up a bit - if I do too much I get braxton hicks like crazy and my leg goes numb. I just can't and I don't have a toddler to look after either. So he is doing most of the cleaning, the cooking, the errand running, etc...

Now, does that mean that he sees everything that needs done and does it without me saying anything - no he doesn't. Like when he cooks, there will be spots of food left on the stove, etc... He does take out the trash without being told, but he may leave a bag of recycling in the corner of the kitchen for a day or an empty pop bottle on the counter. How he doesn't notice these things I have no clue, but he doesn't.

He doesn't argue with me though and when I say I feel bad that I can't do more he tells me to look down and that what I am doing (growing 2 babies) is more important than anything he is doing. So, like I said, I am super lucky. I think maybe if you try to sit down and talk to him when you are not in the middle of asking him to do things you may have more luck. And putting things on paper is often helpful in helping to show him what needs to be handled.

BuckeyeNut05 · August 2012

Oh I totally could have written that post. We had a nice little argument over those same issues at 2:30am the other day because I feel like I have to PROMPT him to do anything that needs to be done around the house, including helping out with the girls. (i.e. our girls eat on a 3 hour schedule, this does not change, but he will sit there and not get any bottles ready ahead of time to stay on schedule unless I ask). I don't have many suggestions since I'm in the same boat, but you're certainly not alone.

BuckeyeNut05 · August 2012

Oh, and let me add that the best part is, when his parents came to help at 37 weeks before the babies came, they decided to rip me (instead of their son) up and down for keeping such a "disgusting house" when I couldn't even slice a pear without having contractions.

crystaleyes39 · August 2012

MEN! Can't live w/ them, can't live w/out them!

My Husband can be the same exact way, I always tell him I have 2 kids but feel like I have 3 sometimes!

The best thing that helped me was buying a dry erase board and puting it on our fridge. Everyday I write what I need him to do / help me with. (take out trash, laundry, clean bottles, etc...) This way when he is up he can just check it (if he remembers too haha) and then get the things done w/out me having to nag him all day.

Also, I saw someone recommend a cleaning service. I HIGHLY recommend this if you can fit it into your budget. I started doing this even just once a month sometimes when i cant keep up w/ the cleaning. Definitely has helped.

Irene6 · August 2012

OP here, thanks for all of the input! I tried a list today and it did work wonders. We still need to sit down and talk things out (mamma ain't happy!), but items got done today that have been needing done for weeks. I think the ANTS he brought into the house by leaving pizza boxes sitting around for 3 days might have prompted him to get off his butt. I am glad (but sad) to hear I am not alone. I guess my DH isnt the only one that needs to be told step by step instructions: remove trash, pace new bag in trash can, etc. Seriously, am I his mom or his wife?

angelfire02 · August 2012

Kb103109:
My DH and I have been going through this recently. It's not that he is lazy or anything he just has a very physical job where he goes in at 5:30 am and works 7 days a week at times. I am a SAHM and I try to keep up with things in the house but there is only so much I can get done during the day with two babies to take care of. He to will et things like trash and recycling go until he cannot pile anything else on top or until I ask him to take it out. We recently had it out about how I feel like I am the only parent in the house and I feel like I do EVERYTHING in the house. It was a big blow out fight (with other issues) but we were able to come to an agreement that he needs to help me more with things as simple as cleaning up after himself and if he sees something has to be done to just do it. Like you said he feels like I am being bossy by always asking him to do things in the house, but if I didn't ask it would never get done. I would say you really need to have a talk with your DH. GL!

This is my life exactly. Well except for the part about where he agrees that he needs to help out more....we're not there yet. I have talked to some friends about this and they have all said it's just part of having a baby. It just isn't as real for the dad, the mom is a mom from pregnancy, the dad is a dad from about, oh, toddlerhood. Sigh, I'm sorry for what you are going through but so glad to hear it's not just my husband!!! Good luck girl.

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