Confidence in DH?

drbethc · August 2012

LO is 9.5 weeks and DH has yet to be left alone with him for more than 2 hours. He is a pilot and away a lot so was not around for the first 2 weeks of LO's life. When is home, he is usually sleeping and getting ready for his next flight. To be honest, because he's not around much, I am not completely comfortable with leaving LO with him for more than 3-4 hours. I know I have to trust that he can do it, but it seems to me that he doesnt really have patience for a fussy baby either.

A big part of me knows he needs to be with LO in order to work through this, but the other part of me, doesn't want to put LO through it. In the past, DH would call me while i was at a Dr's appt to tell me LO is crying and that I needed to get home quickly. This frustrates me because it doesnt seem like he's trying.

Does anyone else not have 100% confidence in their DH's ability with LO?

acbfreire · August 2012

DH was at home for the first 10 days PP and then came for a weekend last week.

He is very caring, but gets frustrated easily. He panics very easily, so he needs to get used to what soothes LO first when I'm around.

I will only teach a couple nights/ wk and I am worried about it.

kincaid44 · August 2012

My husband has been pretty great with the baby, but I think dealing with our 6 year old has taught him a lot of patience. This is his first baby however, he came into our lives just a couple of years ago, but I think he's done exceptionally well. When you are home, does DH spend a lot of time one on one with the baby? Maybe if they spend more time together on their own when you are home, he will get some practice in and then maybe do better when you aren't there.

khill86 · August 2012

dh works for a family business and often works late. now that ds has been going to sleep at 7pm, there are days that dh doesn't see him at all. and on weekends, he's always got something going on that keeps him away from home. last weekend he was saying how much he had going on and i made a comment about not forgetting us (myself and ds), and said that it seemed like he had a lot of things on the top of his priorities that were not us. he said it wasn't true, but he decided to take tomorrow off (friday) and a week in august to help me with the baby/house, so i think he probably saw some truth in what i said. he actually said he was nervous about tomorrow because he hasn't actually devoted or even spent an entire day with me and the baby.

dh has only been alone with ds for 2 hours one time (ds slept) and a half hour here and there. sometimes i'll give ds to dh so i can shower or cook dinner and when i come back, ds is propped up against dh or in his rocker while dh watches tv or works on his laptop. other times he'll be holding ds and he'll get fussy and he tries to hand him to me. i gently suggest what might help and he'll try one thing for about 30seconds and give up. i try to get involved in our bedtime routine (when he's home) and he usually leaves while i'm nursing. i know (and have told dh) that the only way to boost his comfort with ds and his ability to soothe him is by dh spending full days with us and him trying to do all the soothing, playing, and getting ds down for a nap. until that happens, i don't really think dh could be alone with ds successfully while he's awake (and not have the experience end in him saying, "all he did was cry.")

drbethc · August 2012

khill86:
dh works for a family business and often works late. now that ds has been going to sleep at 7pm, there are days that dh doesn't see him at all. and on weekends, he's always got something going on that keeps him away from home. last weekend he was saying how much he had going on and i made a comment about not forgetting us (myself and ds), and said that it seemed like he had a lot of things on the top of his priorities that were not us. he said it wasn't true, but he decided to take tomorrow off (friday) and a week in august to help me with the baby/house, so i think he probably saw some truth in what i said. he actually said he was nervous about tomorrow because he hasn't actually devoted or even spent an entire day with me and the baby.
dh has only been alone with ds for 2 hours one time (ds slept) and a half hour here and there. sometimes i'll give ds to dh so i can shower or cook dinner and when i come back, ds is propped up against dh or in his rocker while dh watches tv or works on his laptop. other times he'll be holding ds and he'll get fussy and he tries to hand him to me. i gently suggest what might help and he'll try one thing for about 30seconds and give up. i try to get involved in our bedtime routine (when he's home) and he usually leaves while i'm nursing. i know (and have told dh) that the only way to boost his comfort with ds and his ability to soothe him is by dh spending full days with us and him trying to do all the soothing, playing, and getting ds down for a nap. until that happens, i don't really think dh could be alone with ds successfully while he's awake (and not have the experience end in him saying, "all he did was cry.")

totally agree...he needs to practice being around for the whole day...

jamiah18 · August 2012

My dh has been pretty good about wanting to spend "alone time" with dd. he even arranged for my mom and I to go out to dinner and go shopping so he can give me a break. However- I'm starting to notice that the second she starts to get fussy when the three of us are home, he immediately gives up. He doesn't rock her and will immediately put her in her swing (which doesn't remedy anything). I don't know if it's a guy thing or a patience thing. But when I tell him that she loves to be held and rocked, he wants me to do it bc "I'm so good at it" ...so good at sitting in a rocking chair??? Ughhhh

drbethc · August 2012

jamiah18:
My dh has been pretty good about wanting to spend "alone time" with dd. he even arranged for my mom and I to go out to dinner and go shopping so he can give me a break. However- I'm starting to notice that the second she starts to get fussy when the three of us are home, he immediately gives up. He doesn't rock her and will immediately put her in her swing (which doesn't remedy anything). I don't know if it's a guy thing or a patience thing. But when I tell him that she loves to be held and rocked, he wants me to do it bc "I'm so good at it" ...so good at sitting in a rocking chair??? Ughhhh

I think its a patience thing...I know many fathers, my brother included who can comfort and soothe their child by holding them....My DH does the same thing, once LO starts to fuss, its "Oh, I think he's hungry". (I ebf) and he gives him back to me. (and doesnt matter that I just fed LO). The thing is, if this were a different issue, I would totally let DH work it out and figure it out on his own. Unfortunately, I feel for LO as he gets frustrated and distressed when DH is "trying to figure it out" Its just easier to take LO from him.

drbethc · August 2012

acbfreire:
DH was at home for the first 10 days PP and then came for a weekend last week.
He is very caring, but gets frustrated easily. He panics very easily, so he needs to get used to what soothes LO first when I'm around.
I will only teach a couple nights/ wk and I am worried about it.

What does your DH do for work that has him away from home? My DH is a commercial pilot so he's frequently away as well.

jamiah18 · August 2012

drbethc:
jamiah18:
My dh has been pretty good about wanting to spend "alone time" with dd. he even arranged for my mom and I to go out to dinner and go shopping so he can give me a break. However- I'm starting to notice that the second she starts to get fussy when the three of us are home, he immediately gives up. He doesn't rock her and will immediately put her in her swing (which doesn't remedy anything). I don't know if it's a guy thing or a patience thing. But when I tell him that she loves to be held and rocked, he wants me to do it bc "I'm so good at it" ...so good at sitting in a rocking chair??? Ughhhh
I think its a patience thing...I know many fathers, my brother included who can comfort and soothe their child by holding them....My DH does the same thing, once LO starts to fuss, its "Oh, I think he's hungry". (I ebf) and he gives him back to me. (and doesnt matter that I just fed LO). The thing is, if this were a different issue, I would totally let DH work it out and figure it out on his own. Unfortunately, I feel for LO as he gets frustrated and distressed when DH is "trying to figure it out" Its just easier to take LO from him.

My dh is pretty famous for automatically thinking she's hungry too, haha! (I also ebf)

acbfreire · August 2012

drbethc:
acbfreire:
DH was at home for the first 10 days PP and then came for a weekend last week.
He is very caring, but gets frustrated easily. He panics very easily, so he needs to get used to what soothes LO first when I'm around.
I will only teach a couple nights/ wk and I am worried about it.

What does your DH do for work that has him away from home? My DH is a commercial pilot so he's frequently away as well.

he's a meteorologist. He was hired for a summer project out of state.

mylittlesunshine · August 2012

Sometimes the best think you can do to gain confidence in your DH is to just leave him with the baby. He is as much of the parent as you are and sure he might do things different, but when it is just him, he won't be able to "just give up" and hand baby over to you. Men will do the same things as us women do with our children, but usually in a different way. My DH also puts baby in a swing when she is fussy and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but he needs to find what works for him with parenting (and sometimes you will scratch your head wondering what the heck he is doing). I am not trying to sound harsh, but maybe he gives up so easily because you are waiting there to swoop baby up the second he/she cries for more than 3 minutes. Give your DH a chance, I bet he will surprise you.

daisy080187 · August 2012

I trust DH when I'm in the shower or going to run to a store for a few minutes but an hour or two I do not...but granted he's made it very clear that he doesn't trust himself on numerous occasioins....but also he says he doesn't like small babies...he likes it when they are 6-9 mths old & can hold their head up & sit up & for him the "danger" is gone...but I also understood it before I even got married or pregnant so it was expected...but I told him as LO gets older I expect him to step up to the plate a lot more & especially when it comes time baby number two..I told him he'll be helping out a lot just with DS1 & he seems fine with that...

jeffnstef · August 2012

you are not alone... I won't leave her with my hubby for more than a quick errand. He changes diapers and is great at entertaining her, but he's very awkward holding her and doesn't always think that she might be hungry, which between her being uncomfortable and hungry leads to a lot of unnecessary crying when he's in charge. I'm hoping it will get better when she gets a little more independent and predictable.

acbfreire · August 2012

DH is very nervous/ anxious about doing something wrong. When he gave DD a bottle and she didn't take it right away he thought that she didn't want it or didn't like him.

It took 2 ppl to help him burp her. He is gone for so long so he needs some serious training.

Babybear70 · August 2012

I have to give my DH credit for doing everything he has done so far in my Son's life. He has only had alone time with Taylor for a few hours at a time, but each time he has done exceptionally well. Today is the first full day that DH and Taylor will have together and I'm confident that everything is going to be great. DH has a way of calming my son down, and me too, that i've never seen before. Almost like a healing touch, it is amazing. I can't wait to hear how the day went when I get home.

mkflower3000 · August 2012

My DH isn't away nearly as much, but he does work during the day and is only home in the evening. He loves DD and says he wants to help, but he gets sidetracked a lot so he ends up barely helping at all. Between that and not being around her all day, he's really not that great at soothing her or knowing what she might want. He also gets frustrated easily if she doesn't quiet down within a few minutes so I usually end up taking over (it's either that or watching his sour puss face the whole time, which is really frustrating).

DD is almost 11 weeks old and he still hasn't been alone with her! I wouldn't mind, but I'm not sure how it would go if I were to leave them for a while :-/

mkflower3000 · August 2012

drbethc:
once LO starts to fuss, its "Oh, I think he's hungry". (I ebf) and he gives him back to me. (and doesnt matter that I just fed LO). The thing is, if this were a different issue, I would totally let DH work it out and figure it out on his own. Unfortunately, I feel for LO as he gets frustrated and distressed when DH is "trying to figure it out" Its just easier to take LO from him.

In fact, this for us! DH always tells me that DD is hungry ("oh she's chewing on my arm/shirt/chest/shoulder"), and since I EBF he just gives her right back after 5 mins. I feel that if he doesn't want to help her, then I don't want to have him helping her either.

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