2 babies 2 showers? opinions wanted

Beenawhile · August 2012

Ok so I was engaged for a brief minute in college and we had a son almost 15 years ago. I had a great shower with old freinds and family. That relationship didnt work out.

I have been with my current FH for 13 years we are expecting in Sept. It is his first biological child along with his families first of everything grandchild neice/nephew etc. Is it wrong to have another shower?

FH family seems real into it my current freinds seem into it (its amazing how your group of freinds change in 15 years) But my family seems not into it my mother refused to call it a shower its sprinkle. My sister is pregnant also her child is 4 and she just says I need stuff also.

Thoughts?

dufferoo · August 2012

Well, I totally wouldn't expect your mom to host it, but if somebody else want to, I would let them. With a second child, whether you call it a shower or a sprinkle (I call it a shower no matter what because I think "sprinkle" is silly), you probably shouldn't go into it expecting to get too much of the stuff you need. Instead of registering, I would let your family and friends have fun picking out stuff they think you would like.

bklynbmp · August 2012

I wouldn't feel comfortable having another shower no matter how much time had passed.

But if someone wants to throw you one, I think its perfectly fine to accept graciously.

As for the sprinkle and shower thing - I dont think it matters. If you ask for gifts, its the same thing regardless of what you call it.

Cranang · August 2012

Beenawhile:

Ok so I was engaged for a brief minute in college and we had a son almost 15 years ago. I had a great shower with old freinds and family. That relationship didnt work out.

I have been with my current FH for 13 years we are expecting in Sept. It is his first biological child along with his families first of everything grandchild neice/nephew etc. Is it wrong to have another shower?

FH family seems real into it my current freinds seem into it (its amazing how your group of freinds change in 15 years) But my family seems not into it my mother refused to call it a shower its sprinkle. My sister is pregnant also her child is 4 and she just says I need stuff also.

Thoughts?

Depends. Are you throwing it yourself or did someone offer?

As far as what your sister said, did she mean you're just doing it to get stuff and didn't approve?

RoxyLynn · August 2012

Everyone "needs stuff." It doesn't mean they should get other people to pay for it.

Showers are for first-time Moms. That said, someone could host a no-gifts tea or luncheon for you.

pearlymerly7 · August 2012

It's neither right nor wrong. Since there are people who want to throw you one, I would certainly let them. Especially if it's your partner's first. This is going to be a memory for his parents too. So hey, if they want to throw you one? Party down and be grateful. If your mom thinks it's tacky or whatever that's her perogative; she doesn't have to love it. But if she wants to at least come and participate that way, that'd be nice.

MakeMyHeartPink · August 2012

I disagree. I think each baby should be celebrated with a shower.

Cranang · August 2012

MakeMyHeartPink:
I disagree. I think each baby should be celebrated with a shower.

Yeah, but showers aren't for the babies. They're for the mom.

There are other ways to "celebrate" a baby where you don't beg people to buy you stuff.

Beenawhile · August 2012

haha NO I think she was jelous and stating that she needed stuff also why should I get gifts and not her. No I am not throwing it myself. Actually my mother who seemed least interested in it was the one that called me and told me to register. I have NO idea about the details it could be small it could be big my mom could be doing it all my future MIL could be I'm not sure

MakeMyHeartPink · August 2012

Cranang:

MakeMyHeartPink:
I disagree. I think each baby should be celebrated with a shower.

Yeah, but showers aren't for the babies. They're for the mom.

There are other ways to "celebrate" a baby where you don't beg people to buy you stuff.

I do see what you are saying but personally speaking, my friends and family would go crazy getting us stuff whether we had a shower or not. So, it's not begging for anything. I have zero issues providing gifts for friends who have multiple showers/multiple babies. I honestly didn't realize that multiple showers was considered 'tacky' until I saw people on here talking about it. All my friends and family members have done multiple showers and we look forward to them, we don't feel like they are 'begging.' Different baby different shower is my opinion but to each their own.

pearlymerly7 · August 2012

MakeHeartPink, I agree with you. And it's not begging if someone else offers to throw one for you. I'm one of three girls, and my mom was lucky enough to have a shower thrown for each of us. (Gasp! Somebody call Miss Manners! What a needy little thing!) Okay, I kid. But she did and that was, well I don't want to give away my age, but it was years ago. I think baby showers are for the mothers and babies. Mothers aren't going to be drinking out of those bottles or wearing those clothes. If your circle does multiple showers, I don't understand why other people who don't even know you and aren't invited have to rag on that so much. Besides, if you're friends are of the "one per" camp, they don't have to come. I wouldn't feel obligated to go to a party I didn't want to go to. I wouldn't feel obligated to send a gift either. I'd just get one if I was already planning on it.

Cranang · August 2012

pearlymerly7:
MakeHeartPink, I agree with you. And it's not begging if someone else offers to throw one for you. I'm one of three girls, and my mom was lucky enough to have a shower thrown for each of us. (Gasp! Somebody call Miss Manners! What a needy little thing!) Okay, I kid. But she did and that was, well I don't want to give away my age, but it was years ago. I think baby showers are for the mothers and babies. Mothers aren't going to be drinking out of those bottles or wearing those clothes. If your circle does multiple showers, I don't understand why other people who don't even know you and aren't invited have to rag on that so much. Besides, if you're friends are of the "one per" camp, they don't have to come. I wouldn't feel obligated to go to a party I didn't want to go to. I wouldn't feel obligated to send a gift either. I'd just get one if I was already planning on it.

When someone receives a shower invitation, they know that they've just been asked to buy someone a gift. If someone else throws it, you're not the one doing the begging. But even if someone sends it out, they're being hit up for additional gifts for you.

Babies don't care what bottle they drink out of or if they're wearing the same onesie everyday. The baby gear, clothing, etc, is for the mother, to make HER life easier. The baby isn't going to remember the shower gifts.

pearlymerly7 · August 2012

Obviously the gifts make the mother's life easier. But my opinion is that both mother and baby use the items, so the shower is for both. And as far as the baby not remembering, that's true, but when I was a kid my mom had her gift/giver list saved in my baby book, and I thought it was really neat to look at because I knew all the women in it. Did I remember it? No. Of course not. Did it feel nice to know that all those women I still knew cared about me then and were there? Yea, it was neat for a kid to know.

I don't get why that's "wrong". If you don't like it, so be it. Different strokes.

cindiesheart · August 2012

its been 15 years..... yes... have another shower. In my opinion, every child should be celebrated but besides that, I think its completely appropriate to have another shower.

BallSox · August 2012

If your FH (future husband?)'s family wants to go all out and throw you a shower, that's their thing. I would still keep a registry small and don't go all princess for it. I also would only invite your immediate family to it. It's not really fair to his family that you had a baby with another man and they can't celebrate, but it's still your responsibility to keep your attitude subdued and not to solicit from your family and friends.

If your current friends/family want to host something/sprinkle, I'd keep it very small, immediate family/friends (like less than 15 people) and not include any registry information or suggest/hint to it in any ways.

pearlymerly7 · August 2012

MandJS:
pearlymerly7:

Obviously the gifts make the mother's life easier. But my opinion is that both mother and baby use the items, so the shower is for both. And as far as the baby not remembering, that's true, but when I was a kid my mom had her gift/giver list saved in my baby book, and I thought it was really neat to look at because I knew all the women in it. Did I remember it? No. Of course not. Did it feel nice to know that all those women I still knew cared about me then and were there? Yea, it was neat for a kid to know.

I don't get why that's "wrong". If you don't like it, so be it. Different strokes.

The point of good manners and etiquette is to ensure your guests feel comfortable. Others are telling you that a "shower" invitation connotes a requirement to buy a gift. Whether you agree or not, others feel that way. Just because people you know IRL may be too well-mannered to say something to your face does not mean they don't feel uncomfortable. If you want to buy a gift for someone, do it. You do not need a shower or other party to buy someone a gift. You can do it just because whenever you want. And really, if you want to know who REALLY cares about the mom and the new baby? It's the people who WILL bring something over regardless of the fact that a shower or other party was not thrown. The rest just came for cake.

Etiquette is determined according to what is socially acceptable in a given situation and circle. My church family gives people multiple showers because they like to. Therefore, no one would need to "tell me to [my] face" that my manners are poor. Because in my circle, they aren't. And if someone feels obligated to go to a shower and take a gift just because they were invited but they really don't want to, that's their problem, and they need to deal with it like a grown up. After all, I wouldn't be sitting around saying, "But so and so didn't get me anything. Waaaahhh." I wouldn't think anything of it. And personally, I would never go to a shower just for cake. There are easier ways to get cake. If I don't know the person well enough to feel like I should get them a gift, I wouldn't go to a party in their honor. People quote these etiquette rules as if there's not situations in which the rules are different. Sometimes they're different in different social groups, and it seems like a lot of women on this board are unwilling to see that.

mollybloom · August 2012

I tend to view showers as being for the parents, not just for the MTB. It makes sense that you SO' s family wants there to be a shower, people other than the soon-to-be parents are allowed to be excited. If someone offers to throw you one, you should do it. But, keep it on the smaller side. I know you are not crazy that your mom calls it a Sprinkle, but that is what it should be. Something smaller and more intimate.

cutebride73 · August 2012

My DD is 21, although I never had a shower with her. Even if I had though, I think that after many, many years elapse it is not a breech to have another shower - if someone offers to throw you one. My mom threw my shower, as she didn't see a problem with it. These babies are DH's first and since my DD is so much older, no one batted an eye over the whole thing. We were very spoiled - our friends and family bought us almost everything we needed. I was completely overwhelmed by their generousity. Actually, my co-workers threw me a surpise shower as well. So I think that after 15 years if your friends or your IL's want to throw you a shower it is fine to accept one.

rhubarb123 · August 2012

Showers are for first time moms and first time brides. Obviously there are circumstance that change the dynamics of the whole celebration. In your case, it has been 15 years and your DH has never had a child. I don't see a problem with accepting a shower and inviting your DH's family plus any new friends you have. It is not like those people came to a shower for you 15 years ago. I would, however, invite your mother and sister (although you sister might decline). If you mother is hosting (which it should really be someone on your DH's side hosting or one of your new friends) then she probably is not as opposed as she makes you think. Your sister, eh...maybe. There is a difference between a 4 yr old and a 15 yr old...plus this is your DH's first (is it her DH's first?). Sounds like jealousy on her side. People that strongly disagree with 2nd showers will just decline (or come to be polite and then be rude and talk about it to others behind your back).

As for the issue of the shower celebrating the baby...that is not correct. A shower is actually to "shower the MTB" with things that will make her life easier as far as taking care of the baby she is about to have. If it is celebrating anything...it is celebrating the PREGNANCY. You can't very well celebrate a baby...when the baby isn't even born yet! That is for meet the baby parties and such.

candreco · August 2012

Honestly, if the people in this new phase of your life want to give you a shower, then let them. If it will make the etiquette gods happier, have them throw it in your husband's honor, since he's a first time parent. I really think this is a totally different situation than your typical second kid shower debate.

Beenawhile · August 2012

OK ladies I had my shower yesterday

it was a BEAUTIFUL party in my sisters backyard. Everyone was there sisters mother all the Fh's family LOTS of people this was NO sprinkle haha I did feel akward at first but the over pouring of gifts and love was AMAZING. I only got about half the stuff I registered for but I got ALL the big stuff and 5 people maybe 6 handmade me things again AMAZING. it lasted hours not becasue it took a long time becasue it was an awesome party not just shower. it started at four the last people didnt leave till 10

After the "showery" part was over husbands came with babies and freinds and dads it was wonderfull!!!

carissaleigh21 · August 2012

Sounds like there are people who want and are excited to have a shower for you. Obviously, they know this is your second child, so why not let them enjoy all the fun involved in a shower? I say go for it! If someone is offended by a second shower, they simply do not attend! I have been to several showers that were not for first-time moms, and have never heard complaints from others attending. Most importantly, as long as you all enjoy your time together, who cares what everyone else thinks!

J9bondgirl · August 2012

Who still has any baby stuff after 15 years? I'm sure you need to "rebuy" everything, any help in that (that is obviously being offered) should be accepted graciously. Also, for everyone pointing out that you aren't a FTM, your FH is a FTD! I'm sure his family is excited to do this for you!

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