From MH's Perspective

Mayzie15 · August 2012

MH went camping last weekend with some friends for a bachelor party - he came back really reserved and I couldn't get out of him what happened or what was wrong. Tonight while we were talking he mentioned that one of his friends announced to the group of guys that his girlfriend is pregnant about a month along and it was an accident ( should mention his friend knows what we have beeng going through) We have been TTCing for over 2 years and failed our IVF a little over a month ago - the whole thing sucks!

MH best friend since they were 4 years old and best man in our wedding - who also knows what's going on with us - texted MH right after we failed our IVF and said "Do you have triplets, yet" I've been so upset over our situation and realize that our husbands are going through this just in different ways. I feel bad that I'm wrapped in my own grief but he has grief too - just doesn't show it the same way. Was wondering if others have experienced this too?

danieleandwayne · August 2012

First of all, I'm so sorry that your DH has friends who can't relate to what he's going through-- I think for so many men, getting a woman KU is the ultimate fear for so long and they hear tons of stories about it happening in crazy ways and then now that he's trying: nothing. That has to throw a guy off balance, I would think-- in ways we can't truly grasp.

As for MH, he doesn't get it from his friends or even his family, but he sees what I am going through and that makes him unhappy. And while 99% of the time, MH is a really happy, upbeat guy, there are times when he just gets quiet and reserved and will admit that he's sad when he thinks that maybe we won't have kids. He also now will see a cute kid around or even on TV and look over at me to see if I'm upset. He's very clued in to the emotional roller coaster of TTC. 2 nights ago, in fact, was the first time he wasn't 100% gung ho about BDing-- although he recovered his spirits pretty quickly after I started joking around, I must say. But I definitely view it as a crack in the armor, so to speak.

BeckyP005 · August 2012

Sorry that these friends can't be more sensitive. I wish MH would talk to his friends or atleast the one that his wife did DE who I'm good friends with. I asked if he talked to his brother or sister about anything like advice...etc..and he said no.

He doesn't even talk to me about it! I asked him how he felt us continuing with this and he said it's up to me...whatever makes you happy. I could strangle him! I think he is like me....worrying about our age. I don't know. I hope I'm not the only one who's husband is like this!!

Mrs.McIrish · August 2012

DH's friend always make comments llike "is it turkey baster time" or "what p.orn room do you like the best"... One of DH's friend's wives had a baby last month and I know DH had a hard time with it and didn't text the guy to say congrats. Another friend got a knock at the door last fall from a baby-mama he had KU'd 7 yrs ago and he didn't know about the baby. That was one hard. One night stand=pg.

I know it bothers him but he tries not to let me see it. He says he doesn't want to make me feel worse so he contains his own disappointment. I wish he would show it more since sometimes I feel I am driving this boat on my own and that he doesn't care either way if we have a baby.

ShellBear+ · August 2012

Its easy to feel like this is all about us and forget that our husbands are having a hard time also. For your husband to have that reaction it shows he really cares about this as much as you do. I'm sorry its been so hard for you both.

MH doesn't really talk to me about his feelings. He is anxious about getting pg again because he asks me about my opks and all that stuff. I think he just sees how upset I am and he wants to be the strong one for me. I do appreciate it but sometimes it makes me mad. He just doesn't have the same reaction to other peoples pregnancies and being around babies that I do. This past weekend he was holding our 3 month old nephew and it made me so sad that its like he doesn't even think about our babies. I know that isn't true but its just how I felt. The last time I held him I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. My husband is understanding but he just doesn't get stuff like that.

owlprof · August 2012

I'm always surprised by my husband, who is typically pretty pessimistic. He is so darn hopeful -- every month! You would think he would start to lose some of that after 20 months of trying, but nope, he is just as excited today as he was when we started.

Last night, he was stressing over money and providing for the family, and I had to bite my tongue not to say that he really didn't need to worry about the family, since he and I are it.

It is good to be reminded that our path to a baby isn't just all about us.

mtlaurel · August 2012

I know DH doesn't like to show me how upset he gets by this kind of stuff, but every now and then, I get a glimpse and I feel terrible for him. I know he feels just as angry and sad as I do about the unfairness of it all, but I sometimes forget that and think he's passive or disinterested. Then he'll make a comment about co-workers whose wives recently had babies, and I know that he's trying hard not to share his pain because he knows I have a lot of my own.

annalisel · August 2012

Hugs to your husband. That announcement couldn't have been fun.

My husband holds in his grief sometimes, but he says he's been doing it so that I don't get even more upset. Then he says he feels bad not expressing it because it makes it seem like he doesn't care. After we were told last week that, basically, we'd never have a baby, he was so upset that he couldn't eat for 2 days. He's now almost completely cut himself off from his friends with kids. He turns the channel away from the commercials featuring kids. It's pretty clear how hurt he hard he's grieving right now, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him.

BabyVDM · August 2012

As far as I know my DH and his friends/work colleagues never talk about children. All of his friends are over 40 and been married for 20 years etc and their children are all off to university. The wives are all thinking about their 2nd lives after with the nest empty and enjoying thier freedom. They never bring up children, they never ask about when we will have children. This is I believe because they assume either I am too old to have children, or since I didn't have any before I met DH at 39 I probably didn't want them. Either that or they are just keeping a respectful distance.

DH for the most part is my rock and source of good common sense. He rarely gets out of sorts about this process and has never lost hope and will not let me talk negatively about our chances. He is always looking to what our future options are. He knows as well as I do what the chances actually are, but he is a glass half full kind of guy so he sees the hope and possiblity rather than the odds of failure.

However, he has lost his composure a few times, but only with the Dr and Nurses when we got conflicting instructions and information and have lost many months of opportunity and with the fact that our clinic basically refuses to be agressive with our treatment.

I know he is disappointed, but only because we didn't meet at an earlier time in our lives. God, he really is a good man. I am so very lucky, for so many reasons.

robbensm · August 2012

When my DH was in his early 20's when he got his girlfriend KU but she didn't tell him about it until after she had terminated the pregnancy which just devistated him. So I know that makes what we are going through now even harder for him to handle but he tries so hard not to let it show. He was able to father a child by accident with a woman who didn't want it and now we both want this so much and it might not happen. It's just another example of how nothing about this is fair!

Mayzie15 · August 2012

annalisel:
Hugs to your husband. That announcement couldn't have been fun.
My husband holds in his grief sometimes, but he says he's been doing it so that I don't get even more upset. Then he says he feels bad not expressing it because it makes it seem like he doesn't care. After we were told last week that, basically, we'd never have a baby, he was so upset that he couldn't eat for 2 days. He's now almost completely cut himself off from his friends with kids. He turns the channel away from the commercials featuring kids. It's pretty clear how hurt he hard he's grieving right now, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him.

This is exactly how I feel too. MH has been incredibly supportive for me and I think he was worried how to tell me this news. His friend just turned 40 too so I think it's a comparative thing - why them and not us - we have put all the time, effort and money but as we all know that's not how this works!! Just because you work doesn't mean you get your baby in the end I like you wish I could make him feel better and don't know how.

danieleandwayne · August 2012

annalisel:
Hugs to your husband. That announcement couldn't have been fun.
My husband holds in his grief sometimes, but he says he's been doing it so that I don't get even more upset. Then he says he feels bad not expressing it because it makes it seem like he doesn't care. After we were told last week that, basically, we'd never have a baby, he was so upset that he couldn't eat for 2 days. He's now almost completely cut himself off from his friends with kids. He turns the channel away from the commercials featuring kids. It's pretty clear how hurt he hard he's grieving right now, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him.

This just breaks my heart to read.

I wonder if the men have a harder time grieving because it hits them all at once-- we deal with the frustration, anger, disappointment, grief, envy, hope, etc. every day for months and years. Always in the back of our minds-- and often in the front-- is the question "what if it never happens?" I think in many ways, we prepare ourselves this whole time-- even if it's subconsciously-- while the men watch from the sidelines, waiting to see the outcome. So when they get news like "your sperm are not compatible with pregnancy" or "your wife's eggs are no longer viable" it hits them all at once like a ton of surprise bricks.

I just wish men had the same natural affinity for finding other men in similar positions that women have. We all help each other cope and grieve and I feel bad for men that they often don't have that network of support...

meredith57 · August 2012

I've been feeling sad for my husband. I see how he looks at babies and comments that he makes about seeing cute babies and kids at work. It almost broke my heart when he made the comment, "you know, I was so excited about the good news I got at work, I immediately thought, things are going my way and you must be pregnant.". He is so ready for this. I worry that I or my body will fail. I know I just need to quit worrying and be positive.

meredith57 · August 2012

I've been feeling sad for my husband. I see how he looks at babies and comments that he makes about seeing cute babies and kids at work. It almost broke my heart when he made the comment, "you know, I was so excited about the good news I got at work, I immediately thought, things are going my way and you must be pregnant.". He is so ready for this. I worry that I or my body will fail. I know I just need to quit worrying and be positive.

Mayzie15 · August 2012

danieleandwayne:
annalisel:
Hugs to your husband. That announcement couldn't have been fun.
My husband holds in his grief sometimes, but he says he's been doing it so that I don't get even more upset. Then he says he feels bad not expressing it because it makes it seem like he doesn't care. After we were told last week that, basically, we'd never have a baby, he was so upset that he couldn't eat for 2 days. He's now almost completely cut himself off from his friends with kids. He turns the channel away from the commercials featuring kids. It's pretty clear how hurt he hard he's grieving right now, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him.
This just breaks my heart to read.

I wonder if the men have a harder time grieving because it hits them all at once-- we deal with the frustration, anger, disappointment, grief, envy, hope, etc. every day for months and years. Always in the back of our minds-- and often in the front-- is the question "what if it never happens?" I think in many ways, we prepare ourselves this whole time-- even if it's subconsciously-- while the men watch from the sidelines, waiting to see the outcome. So when they get news like "your sperm are not compatible with pregnancy" or "your wife's eggs are no longer viable" it hits them all at once like a ton of surprise bricks.

I just wish men had the same natural affinity for finding other men in similar positions that women have. We all help each other cope and grieve and I feel bad for men that they often don't have that network of support...

I agree with you Daniele the men should have an outlet to - this board has been a great place for us ladies to vent during this process but where do the men go??

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