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3rd Trimester
Friends struggling with infertility - what to do?
My DH and I were very blessed and were
lucky enough to get pregnant on our first try. We decided while on
vacation over the holidays to start trying when we got home, pulled the
goalie immediately and before I even had a chance to actually start
charting, we got pregnant with our little guy! I was actually worried
when an ovulation kit continued to test negative, little did I know I
was already pregnant! This made us so happy as I have a thyroid
condition that could potentially cause fertility problems, so we feel so
fortunate.
We waited until after our 12 week NT scan to announce our pregnancy
and among the people that we told, was my younger cousin and her husband
and a long time friend of DH and his wife. When we told them, both
reacted with, "wow, we didn't know you guys were trying, how long did it
take you to get pregnant?" We were honest and mentioned that it
happened right away (and weren't gloaty or braggy about it, just told it
as it was as they had asked).
Anyway, after that we began noticing that both couples were more
distant. Neither live in the same city, but we would talk regularly,
interact with each other on facebook a lot, etc.In April, when we took a
trip down to Southern California for my 30th birthday (where DH's
friend and wife live), I emailed his friend's wife and told her that we
were going to be in town, couldn't wait to see them and celebrate my
bday (joking that it would be a pretty calm bday compared to normal due
to me being preggo, etc). She then responded back saying that they would
love to see us, but then revealed to me that they had a miscarriage (at
15 weeks! so sad) in late 2010 and since haven't been able to get
pregnant again. And that she didn't want to talk about babies at all
while we are there, how she is happy for us, but hard to be totally
happy due to what they were gong through, etc. In general, the overall
feel was very negative. Seeing them was weird too....she was very
distant with me the entire time, and we normally have a blast together! I
honored her request and didn't talk about being pregnant, but of course
couldn't hide my little bump.
And my cousin, whom we used to always comment/interact on FB with,
communicate via email, etc has gone almost completely dark. She and her
husband live in a small town and somewhat frequently come to our city
for doctor appointments (now I know why this is) and have always stayed
with us and I saw on her recent blog post that they were just in town
and didn't even contact us, or ask to stay at our place! And to that
very blog post....it revealed publicly that they have been struggling
with infertility for 4 years, and that the appointments have been with
fertility specialists.
I haven't been in your face about being pregnant at all, haven't
said anything to them about my pregnancy since I announced it and have
only made one Facebook post about my pregnancy (posting an ultrasound
picture when I was at 14 weeks to announce to everyone, this was ages
ago!). I had no reason to think that they were having trouble getting
pregnant.....the couple in California are both very busy working
professionals who travel a lot for work, and I had just thought they
weren't ready, or maybe didn't even want kids, and my cousin and her
husband are only 26 and don't make very much money, so just assumed that
they were waiting until they were more stable as well.
This kind of hurts. Has anyone else experienced this? I don't know what to do. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Friends struggling with infertility - what to do?
There's not much you can do, and I think you're just going to have to accept that these relationships may not be what they used to be for awhile. Whether or not you've been in their face about your pregnancy (and it certainly sounds like you have not), it hurts them to know you got pregnant easily while they struggled, and seeing your belly (and soon your baby pictures) may just be more than they can handle. I didn't struggle with IF but I did miscarry twice before having DS and those were dark days. I cut out friends who were pregnant or who had new babies because it simply hurt too much to be reminded of what I'd lost.
Focus on the friends and family who are able to be there for you emotionally and share in your excitement, and give the others their space.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
It's hard but you're going to have to let this roll of your shoudlers and let them come to you on their own terms. Be there for them when they're ready. Continue to be respectful. Their behavior toward you has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with their own ability to cope with some difficult cards they've been dealt. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to not let it bother you.
I have friends who were trying at the same time we were. They had actually been trying for over a year, so it took less time for us than it did for them, but right after I announced our pregnancy on facebook (after our 10 week ultrasound) she announced their pregnancy (she was six weeks along at the time.) We had a great phone conversation where we talked about how awesome it was that we were going to have our babies around the same time and how we could do play dates and everything. A couple of weeks later, she dropped off the radar and I found out later that she miscarried at 8 weeks but didn't want to tell anyone after making such a big deal of her pregnancy on facebook. So she just didn't address it at all, which of course made things worse because people were asking her how she was doing and how the baby was doing and everything.
Anyway, I tried to call her after that and she wouldn't take my calls. She didn't respond to my facebook message or email either. So I left it alone. She needed some time to deal with it. Did it hurt my feelings that she was talking to everyone else and not to me? Yes. But it was how she needed to deal with it.
Just recently (I'm 31 weeks along, so that's how long it took for her to be okay with it) she contacted me on facebook and we talked for a few minutes. I told her I missed her and would love to talk when she is comfortable doing so, and she said she was feeling a lot better now and would probably want to have dinner or something soon. She even offered to babysit when we have the baby. They have recently started trying again, so I'm hoping it will come easier for them this time than it did before.
I guess my advice is, just be patient with them and understand that it may be difficult for them right now, but eventually they will come back to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling isolated from them. I guess all I can really say is IF is a very isolating Dx in and of itself and even though you are more than willing and want very much to stay connected to them, they're going to do what they need to do to protect themselves, and unfortunately, even though I'm sure you're not flaunting your PG in their faces, that can sometimes mean not even wanting to be around or sometimes even communicating with someone who is PG. Seeing your growing belly is a reminder - even though you may not even bring up the subject.
You should be celebrating this time in your life and of course should never feel guilty or have to apologize for being PG or being able to get PG so easy. It is what it is - some people fall on the lucky side of the odds, some people don't.
I would recommend just leaving the lines of communication open to them and let them reach out to you when they're ready, and yes, that may be after you've had your baby, maybe even longer.
This is a good resource for family and friends of people going through IF. I know for me personally, I had my good days and bad but I definitely did my best to avoid PG women, baby showers, etc., even on my good days because the conversation inevitably always circles back to babies and kids and it's VERY difficult to discuss those things or to answer questions about why you don't have kids yet, etc. when you're struggling with IF and/or a loss.
To those who would say (and not saying you're one of these people - at all!) you just need to suck it up and deal with it; that you can't live under a rock. Well, of course you can't but you can and should do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and unless you've personally suffered with failed treatment cycle after failed treatment cycle and not knowing if you'll ever be a mother, you don't know what it's like - that's all I can say.
At this point I would just let sleeping dogs lie and not force the issue. Try not to take it personally (I know that sounds a little odd). Trust me when I say they're happy for you, just very sad for themselves.
I hope your family and friends are able to be in touch with you soon. Congrats on your little guy!
Me: 32 - Stage II Endo / DH: 36 - Low count and morphology (1%)
IUIs 1-3 BFN, lap Dec. 2010, IUIs 4-6 BFN
IVF w/ICSI #1 - ER 2/8: 24R 19M 9F ET 2/13 2-5 day blasts (no frosties) = BFP - b/g twins!
E & C Born 10/19/2012
After dealing with infertility for 3 years myself I understand how they are feeling. It is extremely hard to even be around pregnant people even if you aren't talking about the pregnancy.
After my m/c, my SIL was pg during Thanksgiving. She wasn't even showing yet but I was fighting back tears the entire time I was there. Now this wasn't that I wasn't beyond thrilled for her it was just that it reminded me of what I didn't have and what I might not ever have.
The one thing that helped me was when friends would send me little messages or cards for no reason to let me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. I also had a friend that would check in at least once a month and ask about my treatments and how I was doing emotionally. None of these conversations/cards had anything to do about their lives and I know it sounds selfish but it was nice to know they truly cared about me. Even with all the support from my friends, it was still hard to go to their baby showers and put on that smile.
The only thing you can do is be there for them. Let them know you are there for them even if they just want to scream or cry over the phone. IF SUCKS and pretty much runs your life while you are going through it. Unfortunately, it does effect relationships. As much as it might seem that they are pushing away from you, this is the time that they need your support the most. (maybe just not in person for now)
You are experiencing the happiest moment in your life while they are experiencing the saddest....
what do you what from them?
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
Well the others had good advice. You just have to understand that they are going through something awful, that may never end. Just being around you can be difficult even if you aren't shoving your pregnancy in their face. You just have to let them be and hope that they find the same happiness.
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
That's a tough situation. I didn't struggle with IF but I did miscarry once and it took us almost a year to get pregnant. It was incredibly hard watching people get pregnant quickly...they had what I wanted and it made me miserable.
Just try not to take it personally. They don't have personal issues with you. It's just hard for them to want something so badly and you got it on the first try. And they probably know that their feelings aren't all that logical but that doesn't keep it from being painful. Be sympathetic but don't overdo it...IF is a super sensitive topic.
I can also chime in as someone who dealt with infertility for 3 years, while our closest friends got pregnant on their first try. As time went on and their baby grew, it was a constant reminder for me (and my husband) of what we didn't have. Throughout infertility, maybe the very worst part is knowing how much you want to create a family, but having no control over when that will happen, and to go through each and every cycle not knowing if it will work. I think the unknown of IF was incredibly devastating to us - if we could have been told a time when we would have our family, it would have been so much easier, but we had no way of knowing. It's also so isolating, and so misunderstood by those who haven't gone through it. I commend you on trying to understand their feelings, and what you might be able to do to help. RESOLVE is a fantastic resource for friends and family. Just know that even with all of your best intentions and doing and saying the "right" things, your friends/family might still just need space from you.
I sit here just weeks (maybe days!) away from meeting our IVF miracle baby, and I started crying just a bit ago to my husband. We have both been so deeply impacted emotionally, and it's so overwhelming to think that after this long, long wait, we will be more than just the two of us. It's something that you can't understand unless you've gone through it, but just try to be empathetic to those of us not as lucky as you.
As the others have said, don't take it personally. Infertility is a very raw place for many couples and it can be hard to hear, see or acknowledge that other people are having babies.
I would reach out periodically in a friendly way to let these couples know that you are still there for them, but be ready to back down for now.
Good luck!
Sometimes, I'm hilarious.
I am kind of surprised why both couples asked us how long it took us though.....if I were in their situation, that wouldn't be important to me and I wouldn't want to know. It makes me wonder, if I had told him that we had just conceived after months or years of trying would they be treating us differently than how they are now since we were fortunate enough to conceive quickly? oh well.
Maybe, and honestly, who are you to judge that?? I absolutely had an easier time accepting pregnancy news from friends who had also miscarried or struggled to get pregnant than from friends who were all "WOO HOO, 1st month trying, yay us!"
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Please don't be hurt by their reactions. I have suffered two m/c and went through a few rounds of fertility treatments after trying for a year to get this DD. It is really hard when other people are pregnant around you when you are stuggling with it. While I never cut anyone out and I never asked anyone to not talk about their pregnancy it sometimes pained me when they would. I was just not the person to show it. I was genuinely happy for them.
You just can't even begin to understand what they are going through and neither can I. I at least had one DD before I had struggles. They don't have any at all. It consumes your life going through fertility treatments. All the charting and testing and bloodwork to just see negative after negative is really really hard.
They are happy for you and they only want the best for you but if they need space then please just give it to them.
To be fair, I don't think OP flaunted this fact (no WOO HOO that I could tell from her post), or would have (I assume) brought it up if she hadn't been asked point blank.
They may have reacted differently, they may not have. As pps have said--all you can do is be sensitive, be open, be available, and allow them time. Try not to be hurt, because they have to do what's right for them.
Lurking from 2nd tri board- and I'm sorry if this may seem long.
I had quite a few pregnancy losses and my husband and I had a very hard time getting pregnant and it actually following through. Thank God now with the help of a fertility specialist we were able to conceive and so far everything has been going well. I just want to say, as unreasonable as the way they are acting may seem, try not to think of it that way. Some people TTC can handle other women being pregnant just fine but some can't. I was one of the women who couldn't deal with it. It takes a toll when you just can't get pregnant and everyone around you can get pregnant with no problem.
My best friend got pregnant with her second child and knew my situation and was very considerate of me.. Unfortunately it wasn't enough. I ended up distancing myself from her until she had her baby and slowly things got back to normal. I wouldn't go as far as to say things will never be the same again with your cousin or friend but you should give it time. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say or not say, it still hurts. It may sound selfish on their part (or mine) but it's just a struggle that I had to and they have to overcome. I would say give them space and hopefully they will get back in touch with you. That's what I ended up doing.. Again sorry if this seems long I just wanted to give you, possibly, a different point of view on the matter. I hope everything goes well in the end.
I've been the infertile friend, so I've seen it from the other side.
It hurts you, yes, but it's hurting your friends, too. They don't mean anything bad by being distant, and I'm sure they're happy for you even if they don't say so. This is how they're coping. I distanced myself from several of my pregnant friends, too, because it was too much for me to see them pregnant or hear anything about children when I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to experience being a mother myself. It's a lonely and very upsetting situation for a woman who is battling infertility. It's really awful, actually.
I have been EXTREMELY careful in how I interact with my own infertile friends who haven't yet been able to succeed in getting pregnant. There are a couple of them I've heard less from lately, and I know exactly why that is and I don't hold it against them at all.
There's not really much of anything you can do. This is how they're coping. It's not ideal for anybody, but it's best to let them deal with it in the way that is right for them and not push anything.
I'm going through this right now too. It especially doesn't help that my pregnancy was unplanned. It hurts that the couple we know are distancing themselves from both me and MH. I guess it bothers me more that this is MH's best friend and they are not "allowed" to hang out, talk or text. We are respecting her wishes and giving them space. I do check in about once a month and I've sent her a little note, but I don't think our friendship will ever be the same. I do feel very bad for them bc I know how badly she wants another child. There is hurt on both sides. I do take it personally because it's me she doesn't want to be around and it's because of me that MH has lost his best friend. I know I shouldn't, but I do.