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Adoption
Worried about ILs loving our baby
DH and I are early in the process of DIA (transracial). My immediate and most of my extended family couldn't be more excited and supportive. DH's family, on the other hand, has basically pretended it isn't happening.
The only thing MIL has said about our plans has been negative... All the outdated stuff about adopted kids having problems, bio parents being intrusive, etc. I feel like I have explained how things work very clearly and calmly, but I am getting to the point of being angry. It took a long time for her to love me when DH and I got married, but she loved DD immediately. I am so worried that she will love DD more than our next baby and show obvious favoritism! I just feel in my guts that she is going to be the type to always say, "This is my granddaughter and my adopted grandchild" rather than "these are my grandkids," you know?
She is not a bad person; I love her so much. I just worry. Anybody else worry about their family not being accepting and loving?
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Re: Worried about ILs loving our baby
I have the exact same fear, although we haven't told my ILs yet since we won't be starting the process for a while. I told my DH I want to start having conversations about it this year because I want to answer any questions and deal with any fears or negativity instead of doing a big announcement and having them freak out.
It sounds like your MIL is the kind of person that takes a while to warm up to things, since she took a while to get close to you. She may have loved your DD immediately, but she also had 9 months to get excited about a baby coming as well. I think the only thing you can do is just continue to keep her updated on the process, maybe suggest a book or two on adoption and just keep having a positive attitude.
You can't control her reaction or her feelings, only your own responses to it. I agree with PP in that things will probably be much different once the baby arrives, she may fall in love immediately just like she did for DD. In the absolute worst case scenario if she refuses to treat your children equally you will need to speak with her, explain that it is not okay and it is harmful to both of your children and that if she doesn't shape up you will have to limit their time/experiences with her.
In reading your post though I really don't think that will happen, she sounds like a nice woman at heart that cares about you all - good luck I hope she comes around soon so she can share the exciting and positive aspects of the adoption process.
My parents were happy for us from the start, but they have shown a new level of excitement since we went to Russia and met our little guy. I think it can be hard for others to get excited about a theoretical adoption, but it is a whole different story when there is an actual child to love. I bet you will find the same thing with your MIL.
I also wonder if your MIL is concerned that you guys don't know what you are getting yourselves into? Sometimes people tell me things about adoption like I never considered the fact that things might not go perfectly smooth. I find when I respond to other people's fears (ie: What if your son has an attachment disorder? is one we hear a lot) by saying, "Yes we've researched that and thought a lot about it, but we believe we are equipped to handle those issues if they arise," it settles many people's fears. Just a thought.
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
I was worried about my FIL. My MIL I knew would be over the moon, and my parents were estatic (especially since they didn't have to wait 40ish weeks to meet DD).
My FIL however is a very traditional WASP. I was worried that he would have issues with DNA and issues with us not really knowing what our DD would be born looking like.
He's a quiet man and didn't say much before she was born or even upon visiting us at the hospital. However, now, he is ABSOLUTELY smitten with this little girl. My perception of him has changed 10 fold after seeing him with our daughter. And now he's very vocal about his excitement for our next adoption (international).
Our Adoption Blog & Fundraising Efforts
Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
My parents went through the same thing when they adopted me in 1974. And in 1974, a white couple adopting a biracial boy was beyond taboo. My mother lost friends (so called friends) because of it. But life was a lot different back then!
I read the letter my mother wrote to her parents when they decided to adopt me. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes on, and to this day I tear up when I read it. My grandparents were old school, lived in Myrtle Beach, and were very set in their ways. I remember the first time I met them as if it was yesterday, and I can assure you, they fell in love with me instantly. Especially my Nana. for much of my childhood, until she passed, she was one of my best buddies. She loved to show me off to her friends, and she could have cared less about my race. I was her eldest grandson, and she was so proud of every little thing that I did. She taught me to gamble (yahtzee...with pennies:-)) and she gave me her love unconditionally.
I think you will be surprised by the capacity people have to let go of those fears and stereotypes once they are presented with a child they can love, and a child who will love them back. Children are not tuned into the stereotypes and prejudice of our society, and seeing that innocence in the child will really be a wakeup call for the in laws, and any other adults in yuor life who have doubts about this based on those unfounded fears. You will find, in very short order actually, just how protective of the little one they might end up being. An innocent child has a way of doing that....
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your perspective. I may come bug you later as time passes for more insight into being a transracial adoptee if that's ok.
Our Adoption Blog & Fundraising Efforts
Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
Reach out whenever you need to. I may be busy at times, with the new baby and all, but I will get back to you as soon as I can.
I wish I could have had such a forum when I was growing up. Back then adoption was a very private thing, so communicating with like families was a difficult thing to do. That is why I felt I could offer a perspective here, and kind of give back for all the blessing my own adoption has given me throughout the years.
My adoption, even after graduating from college, my marriage to a wonderful woman, a successful career, and now our first child, is still the single most important event in my life. As my mother continues to tell me to this day, I was chosen, and because of that fact, I am even more loved than most other children. I think mom's just have to say things like that, though:-)