Need MIL advice

LaurenSara518 · August 2012

So my husband called me from work yesterday in a panic... we live 1 1/2 hours away from his parents and his mom is putting pressure on him to give them the go ahead to sublet an apt a block away from us to help take care of the babies when they are born. As nice of an offer as that is, my MIL and I don't see eye to eye on anything and I am worried it will be too much for me (even though I am trying to be openminded with an all hands on deck attitude). This is my first pregnancy and I know with two boys coming any week now, I will probably need help. I just don't think she'll be supportive when it comes to BFing, schedules and just about any other things I try to put into action. I don't want to upset/alienate my MIL, but after a few hours with her, my DH and I need a break. She also made some comment to DH about my mother living so close and basically made it sound like she was more interested in putting in 'face time' with the babies so my mom is not the grandma they know better (not like they will remember their baby days). What can I do to show her I want her to be a part of their lives, but not necessarily on a daily basis?

April+ · August 2012

I am sorry you have to deal with that. I am battling a similar situation with my MIL (except she wants to stay WITH us) and I haven't quite decided what to do either. How close if your DH to his mom? Can he talk to her and say that it isn't necessary for them to move closer and that maybe a visit once a month (or however often you feel comfortable) would be sufficient? Do you have other people that can help you (that live closer)? I would tell her that having the babies is going to take some time to adjust to and that you don't want to rely on too much outside help.... I probably wouldn't get into details about how you both don't get along well but maybe give another explanation that wouldn't hurt her feelings as much.

jenn_darrin1515 · August 2012

I don't see the purpose of subletting at all for any reason since they are only 1.5 hours away. that is not far at all.

I would put your foot down and do what will work for you. My ILs were in town for my SILs wedding when my girls arrived and they were non-stop in my house for the first 10 days that we were home. it was TOO MUCH. but I was a pp mess at that point and since they live 17 hours away, I didn't feel there was much I could do/say.

I would tell you MIL thanks for the offer, but that will be too much for them and you. they should feel free to take daytrips to see you and even the occassional overnite...but "moving" to help is unnecessary.

LaurenSara518 · August 2012

Thanks- I am going to just say thanks, but the sublet is not necessary and we'll see how it goes since this is all new for me and I want to get some sort of routine established with our new little family before I can decide what help we need. I want them to be a part of the babies lives, but I think staying sane will be harder with someone undermining me.

Mrs.Greg · August 2012

You said your mother lives close... will she be able to help out a lot? If not, do you have other help lined up? Will your DH be home for a significant amout if time?

I have a similar issue with my MIL except she lived about 10 minutes away. My mom lived with us for the first 2 months. Honestly, both of them drive me nuts for different reasons but it was SO NICE to have an extra set of hands to hold a crying baby while I BF'd the other. And it was really nice having someone there to watch the babies while I showered or cleaned up or took a nap. I just don't think you should turn anyone away before you know if you'll need their help, especially grandmas. And believe me, both grandmas make me crazy. But its so important for them to see the babies and it was important for me so I could keep my sanity. I was home with the babies until they were five months old.

erniebufflo · August 2012

My ILs live in a completely different state, so I didn't deal with this as much, but his mom offered to stay as long as we needed/wanted. I basically just made it clear that my mom would be the one staying with us and doing the bulk of the "helping." And even then, after a couple days, we kicked her out because we just wanted to be on our own. Now she comes over once a week to give me a day off.

I think you should say thanks, but no thanks to them doing THAT much to help. Honestly, the stuff I needed in the early days was meals made and housecleaning help, not help with baby care. Occasional baby-care so I could nap/shower was helpful, but they wouldn't need an apartment to do that. You could tell her all the ways you *could* use their help while also emphasizing that you want time with just your little family, so she doesn't think your mom is getting way more time with the babies than she is.

Jen0204 · August 2012

There's nothing you can do ahead of time to show her that you want her involved. My mom watches the girls (until the end of this month at least) and my MIL was clearly concerned that when we went back to work the girls would "know" my mom and not her. We usually let her have them for a few hours each Sunday. It gives H and I a chance to grab lunch and have some time together, and then we run errands, clean the condo, go grocery shopping, or whatever else needs to get that's easier to do without the girls. My ILs are happy because they get to see the girls each week and we're happy to have time to get our errands done and spend a few hours alone together (even if it is while getting stuff done). Once she saw that she would get plenty of time with them she was less frantic about things.

Of course, my MIL is 20 minutes away so it's easier for us. But if you can schedule something regular with them - even if it's that they can come to you every other Sunday, for example - that might help. But I wouldn't do that until the babies are here and you see how everything works for you. This is the pattern that we fell into, even though before they were born I said to H "your mom better not think we'll be bringing them by every single week!". You just never know what you will or won't want.

TripMomma · August 2012

I didn't accept any help with the triplets, looking back I probably could have allowed some, but there is no way I would have needed or wanted my MIL or anyone else (except DH) to be that in my space. Especially if the relationship was already not a love fest. Just say no. You are quite capable of handling 2 babies.

crystaleyes39 · August 2012

Honestly, before my girls came my MIL and I were not the closest. She was a little much and always in my DH and I's business. They live only a few blocks a way from us too to make matters worse. BUT, once the girls came the fact of her always being around and in our business really turned into a GREAT thing for me. Having multiples is HARD work, especially when they're your first. I am so happy she lives so close and she will usually drop anything to come give me a break and watch our girls. I would take any help you can get, especially for the first 3-4 months which are extremely hard until they start sleeping through the night.

Heather1021 · August 2012

When my son was born four years ago, my MIL offered to watch him after I went back to work, and we were happy to have him stay with someone we knew loved him and for the cost savings. Her daughter (my SIL) got pregnant a few months after me, and my MIL changed her mind and moved up there to help her daughter leaving us to find a back up plan.

Moral of the story: If you all have issues with your MIL already, I would aim for some back up help

lovebugkim · August 2012

Don't allow it!! If you do, then it will be even harder to turn her away & her feelings will get hurt even more. My MIL always commented on how she was going to stay with us for 2 weeks and be there all the time because that's what her mother did & I made sure DH told her otherwise!! I was not about to have someone up in my business 24/7 when I was fully capable of handling my babies on my own. We have never had a great relationship & her idea of parenting is way different than mine so I gladly said hell NO!!

On a side note: I have this tile that I bought that says, "I've seen the village & I don't want it raising my children." LOL I always make sure I have that out when MIL comes over!!

MrsCali_Bride · August 2012

TripMomma:
I didn't accept any help with the triplets, looking back I probably could have allowed some, but there is no way I would have needed or wanted my MIL or anyone else (except DH) to be that in my space. Especially if the relationship was already not a love fest. Just say no. You are quite capable of handling 2 babies.

This, though no one really offered us help. Of course, no one offered us help with our singleton either. MIL lives 3000 miles away (Yay!) and though I'm sure it is/was hard being so far away, I got annoyed by her assumptions that I would absolutely need help past the first two or so weeks that my H was home. Was it hard? Definitely but I did what I had to in order to get through each day. Of course, this is the same woman that assumed that because I was having twins that I was absolutely going to be put on bedrest or deliver early. My husband has learned that I hate to be doubted. I take it as a personal challenge and have to prove people wrong. And then I wonder where our daughter got her stubborn personality from. Haha!

Sorry, that got long. Tell her that moving closer isn't necessary and that you want to try to adjust to being a family of four and get into some sort of routine before deciding on outside help. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy!

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