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July 2012 Moms
Multicultural Family- In-law rant (Ay caramba...)
First- My in-laws are very, very good people. However, they are driving me insane and we have nearly come to blows over a few issues...
Some background: My husband (and family) are from Mexico. His mother and sister speak very little English. His mother and sister are OBSESSED with our baby. I believe his sister (35 and trying to conceive) thinks of this baby as her own.
Rant: It started when I asked my husband (politely) to ask his mother and sister to leave the delivery room while I was in labor. I was set on having a natural, med-free birth (ended up being 41 hours long...ouch!). At hour 30 or so, I was having some insanely intense contractions, and although I realize his mother and sister were only trying to help, my poor husband was stuck translating for them, and it was throwing me off my groove. I just wanted my husband to be by my side, and not be stuck translating their advice. The contractions were getting on top of me, so I decided I needed to ask them to leave...oh boy. That was the first offense.
The first night in the hospital (after 41 hours of labor, mind you), they showed up at 11:30 pm wanting to hold the baby. I had given birth at 7:30 that morning and was completely exhausted. I was cordial, but after about 20 minutes of ooohing and awwing, I asked them to come back in the morning...that was the second offense.
After getting home from the hospital, they have been at my house (the entire extended family, which is about 15 people), every day...telling me everything that I am doing wrong as a mother. Mexican traditions surrounding child rearing are VERY strong, and I am trying my best to respect them, but some of them I just cannot do (and my husband agrees with me).
For example: His sister told me I was starving my baby because I was not supplementing with formula. His mother told me I was psychologically damaging my baby because I was not "training" her to sleep 8-hours through the night (at 2-days old). They have told me that I have to put gauze on her umbilical cord (nothing should touch the umbilical cord), that I should put a raisin on her belly-button to make sure she has an "innie", I need to put hot tomatoes on her feet to prevent rashes, to place green tomatoes on her throat to prevent fever...and so on and so forth...and they get VERY offended when I do not follow their advice. Some of these things I have let them do, just to keep the peace, even though I think they are silly. But some things I have to put my foot down on...such as using a cream that contains mercury to help with diaper rash...they tell me I am just being over protective and "I will learn". They told me that I will feel "ashamed" when I realize that they were right. Some of these "discussions" have gotten quite heated (Latino tempers are impressive).
Now they call my husband in tears, telling him that I am "denying" them their granchild/niece/cousin. They tell him that I am selfish and stubborn (well, yes, I am a bit stubborn sometimes). It's putting such a strain on my poor husband (who is the nicest guy in the world). He works in the medical field and knows that I am correct on most all of these issues, but it is so awful for him to be stuck in between his wife and his family.
If anyone has any experience dealing with multicultural in-laws or on communicating with in-laws when you strongly disagree on parenting issues, advice is much appreciated! Sorry this is very long!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Multicultural Family- In-law rant (Ay caramba...)
you and your husband need to sit down together and agree on how you are going to deal with this, he MUST stick up for you, you have to be a united front. Say no. Say "our doctor recommends that we do this and that is what we plan to do." Stay firm.
yes they are going to be upset, but that's their problem, not yours. Set boundaries, strong strong boundaries.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
My hubby is from Chile and his family is visiting. There aren't any strange traditions ... but the language barrier has been a challenge. Also, my MIL is always convinced that the baby is cold. We have a lot more temperature swings here, but our house is never cold! In fact, it's usually quite hot in the summer.
The other thing I noticed is that all the men in the family let my MIL serve them. They do nothing. I'm not sure if that's cultural or just his family. But I gave my hubby hell the other day saying that sometimes he should offer to bring her coffee. Why is she always bringing food and coffee to everyone? My hubby is not like that with me - he does lots of housework and he'll grab me a drink from the fridge and sometimes I grab him a drink. But his mom is here and he gets her to do everything and my FIL and BIL have done nothing to help with anything since they've been here. But maybe that's just a man thing, haha.
This. I get a lot of crap from my in-laws (who I genuinely love) because I feed my son formula. I also get a lot of crap because I refuse to let someone who has been smoking that day hold my baby, and SIL and BIL smoke like chimneys.
What's made the difference is that my DH supports me completely. He watched me struggle for the first two weeks of our son's life with breastfeeding (the kid wouldn't latch and refused to work at it when he did) and held me while I cried the first time my mother fed our son a bottle of formula. I desperately wanted to EBF our son, but it just didn't work out for us. DH listened to my stories about my beloved grandfather who died from emphysema and listened to my cousin explain how she STILL has respiratory problems from her father smoking around her. He used to be a social smoker, and he quit cold turkey- and now, if he hangs out with his brother, the first thing he does when he walks into the door of our place is go take a shower and put his clothes in the washer.
The thing you and your DH have to keep in mind is that no matter what your child is to anyone else, she is your daughter. Your primary responsibility is to make sure that she is safe and healthy-- and everyone else needs to understand that and get out of the way. I explained it to my SIL and BIL this way: "I appreciate that you feel this way, but second hand smoke increases the risk of SIDS exponentially, and we won't expose your nephew to a respiratory disease if I can prevent it." If they're upset about that, that is their issue, not mine. When it comes to your daughter, you have the right to say no--- and it doesn't matter who you're saying no to.
You have to do what is right for your DD, and if its something that you or DH are uncomfortable with, it shouldn't be done, cultural boundaries be damned. pugznploons is absolutely right. You MUST present a united front on this.