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Help w/birthmom...

Tiffany946Tiffany946
in Adoption

I'm hoping you ladies can give me some much needed advice and encouragement.  To make a long story short, a birthmother from another state contacted us about 3-4 weeks ago.  She is due in Feb. and found us on facebook, out of all places.  She is working with a legit agency from the state where she is from, but none of their profiles seemed to match what she was looking for in parents.  She wants to chose us, but I'm so concerned.

We have spoken with her agency, and our social worker has contacted the agency as well.  She really wants to make an adoption plan and I believe her.  I'm worried about a few things and I'm hoping you ladies can shed some light.

1. she is so early in her pregnancy, she has so much time to change her mind, and I'm afraid to send in registration money to this agency with so much time on our hands between now and her due date.

2. she wants to talk to me all the time.  I'm worried that she has no one and I'm turning into that someone that she is leaning on for support.  I think this can be good and bad.  I really need some advice on this one.  She wants to talk a lot on the phone, and I'm fine with talking on the phone, but not every night.  What happens when the baby comes and this goes away?  I don't want her to think I'm her "friend" only to make an adoption plan with us.  How do I stop from nightly  phone calls?  

I really nee advice.  Obviously I want this to go well, but I'm so concerned and I don't want any hurt feelings or her to change her mind because now I don't talk to her every night?  HELP! :)  

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Re: Help w/birthmom...

  • silliestbunnysilliestbunny member

    Wow.. that's exciting for you... but I understand your reservations.


    Questions I'd have--

    1-  What happens w/your financial investment w/this agency if she backs out?
    2-  Does this agency allow matching this early in the pregnancy?


    As for your desire to get your support...

    I'd talk directly to that agency too.

     

    Another thought- can she express why she wants you vs the agency's other profiled couples??   That may give you some insight.


    Lastly, I think being as open and honest about your concerns w/her is good.  Tiptoeing around a EM isn't necessary IMO.  Both of you have much at stake... not focusing on the money.  If you match her and she backs out.... you've wasted months of time where you could have matched elsewhere.  In addition, your heart is at stake and talking about both EMs role and PAPs roles are important in the process.

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  • Tiffany946Tiffany946
    imagesilliestbunny:

    Wow.. that's exciting for you... but I understand your reservations.


    Questions I'd have--

    1-  What happens w/your financial investment w/this agency if she backs out?

    We make an initial financial investment and if she changes her mind we get approx. 1/2 of our money back.


    2-  Does this agency allow matching this early in the pregnancy?
    They normally do not match this early on, but she is pretty insistent that she wanted to be matched early on and wanted to get to know the PAP's really well. 


    As for your desire to get your support...

    I'd talk directly to that agency too.

     

    Another thought- can she express why she wants you vs the agency's other profiled couples??   That may give you some insight.

    She said she chose us because we were "normal" and that her kids all have blonde hair and blue eyes and her kids would "fit in" with us and not look out of place.  (she has 3 children currently, this is her 4th)


    Lastly, I think being as open and honest about your concerns w/her is good.  Tiptoeing around a EM isn't necessary IMO.  Both of you have much at stake... not focusing on the money.  If you match her and she backs out.... you've wasted months of time where you could have matched elsewhere.  In addition, your heart is at stake and talking about both EMs role and PAPs roles are important in the process.

     

    How upfront should we be?  I'm not so much focus on the money part, as I don't want to lose out on another opportunity for us to become parents.  We have waited over 5 years and have had too many losses to lose out on any more opportunities to become parents. I know that God has a plan for us, and there is a child out there for us.  I'm concerned that she is relying on us too much.  

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  • IRRIRR member

    Our BM chose us early on in the process as well.  We still have 4 months to go and we matched in early June.  Similar timing.

    Couple of questions.  1) Do you have to use her agency if she found you on her own?  Sounds like she could just use yours or do private adoption. 

    2) Is it possible she wants to talk all the time because you are just getting to know each other?

    Because she already has children the likelihood of her changing her mind is in your actually in your favor.  Not sure I would sign on with her agency though if you can match with her and not use them.  It will cost you less in the end.  JMO.

    GL

     

     

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    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


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  • Tiffany946Tiffany946
    imageIRR:

    Our BM chose us early on in the process as well.  We still have 4 months to go and we matched in early June.  Similar timing.

    Couple of questions.  1) Do you have to use her agency if she found you on her own?  Sounds like she could just use yours or do private adoption. 

    We are across state lines and she has really been using the agency as a support system. It doesn't seem like she has a good support system around her.

    2) Is it possible she wants to talk all the time because you are just getting to know each other?

    I do believe that she really wants to get to know us, and asks very thoughtful questions, but without a social worker in the mix all the time, is this a good thing?  A few people have told me that it's not a good thin to talk all the time with her and that creating a friendship could potentially be harmful.

    Because she already has children the likelihood of her changing her mind is in your actually in your favor.  Not sure I would sign on with her agency though if you can match with her and not use them.  It will cost you less in the end.  JMO.

    GL

     

     

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  • JELLYRUNNER01JELLYRUNNER01

    Talk w her as often as you would after the baby is born. If you wouldnt talk w her on a daily basis after the baby is born DONT set her up to feel like she would communicate with you daily.

    Set boundaries now so their isnt heartache later. Maybe let her know you would enjoy Tuesday talks where you both know every tuesday is a set time where you both catch up and talk about the week? I dont know just a thought.....

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  • Tiffany946Tiffany946
    imageJELLYRUNNER01:

    Talk w her as often as you would after the baby is born. If you wouldnt talk w her on a daily basis after the baby is born DONT set her up to feel like she would communicate with you daily.

    Set boundaries now so their isnt heartache later. Maybe let her know you would enjoy Tuesday talks where you both know every tuesday is a set time where you both catch up and talk about the week? I dont know just a thought.....

     

    I agree.  How can I approach this with her, without offending or upsetting her??  Any advice???? 

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