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New single Mom Doubt

aimmarhaimmarh
in Single Parents

Hi, Im 31 with 8 weeks pregnancy. This is my first one and Im single.  So excited and happy about having my baby... but a little scared about doing this by my own.  I have my family's support, but I feel like something its missing.  I know I can do this but still having this doubt.  I do not know if I should insist with the father, not to come back with me, but to take care of the child.  

 I find out I was pregnant 2 weeks after our breakup and he does not want the baby, at least that is what I think because the only option he gave was the abortion. Of course that NEVER cross my mind, but hurt a lot.  That was the last time I talked to him.  But now Im thinking about my baby and that s/he needs a dad. I know that he has a good father's heart, he has more kids, and I saw in his eyes how much he missed them, thats why I can not understand his reaction.... I was thinking to call him and let him know that if he wants, he can be part of my baby's life.  But Im scared that he thinks that what I want is his money or that I want a come back.  Lately I have the feeling that I should do something.  I dont want regrets in the future by doing nothing.  Im so confused.

I want to enjoy my pregnancy... despite the all day morning sickness :) but this situation is hard for me.  

I just finished my College degree and waiting for my License... I have plans and options, I do not want to mess it up specially cause I want to give my baby a wonderful life...

Any suggestions... thanks for reading... saying this make me feel lighter.

 

Ammy

PD.. sorry if I misspell something... English is my second language... :) 

 

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Re: New single Mom Doubt

  • HelenaHatchetHelenaHatchet

    Hey! I'm going through some of that stuff too, though my BD has made it clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me.

    One of the things I've heard a lot through my pregnancy, even from my lawyer, is how the Father of a unborn child treats the mother of his kid is one of the most important things. 

    If your afraid because it's not "normal" to have a dad I wouldn't do get him back in your life. Obviously it's your decision but think about his behavoir with you and if you'd be willing to have that around your child. He may have other kids but that doesn't mean he'd treat yours the same.

    It's hard and it's sad but it does get easier and great supports helps more than anything. 

    Best of luck

    Ashley

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  • pinitbabypinitbaby member
    Hi :) I'm a single mom too. I have 3 kids from a 13 year relationship...they are 13, 10 and 7. I met someone 2 years after leaving their father and thought he would be everything I always wanted but he got a little attention from another girl-note I say girl and not woman, and he wanted nothing to do with me. I was 5 months pregnant. So I do feel happier that it happened before the baby came, its prepared me I guess and its not like I don't know what its like being alone right? The idea of coming and going when I please is great, I have nobody to answer to, nobody to fight over money with, nothing! and I parent my children the way I want and feel nessessary without hearing or feeling any judgement. I'm 30 weeks and haven't heared a peep from baby's father..I've gone ahead and got everything needed for baby without his help. It can be done!! You sound like a strong woman, you seem to have good support..don't feel any different just because he's not around. It doesn't make you any less of a mother, but it definately changes the views on him as a father. It's HIS loss. Just be as strong as you can for your baby :)
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  • joliebebejoliebebe member

    Best advice my attorney gave me: don't force someone to be in your baby's life who doesn't want to be; it's not good for the baby, you, or him. If he wants to be in its life, he will be, it's as simple as that. I know we all think bringing up the issue, talking about it will create some sort of change, but it usually just complicates matters and makes us single moms more upset. If he's willing to talk and wants to be in your baby's life, like I said, go for it. But don't force/insist it.

    Best of luck regardless. :)

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  • septmom11septmom11 member

    I think what your suggesting is a good idea.  You only said that you would let him know you would be open to him being in your child's life.  I do not hear any desperation or insisting in your post.  Go ahead and let him know how you feel now.  Also if he is against it now he might change once the baby is born.  I think its great for a child to have both mom and dad even when they are not together.

    On the other hand if he chooses not to be around you CAN do it alone.  My LOs father has zero involvment in her life.  ALthough i do wish she had a father figure we seem to be doing great alone.  It is possible to raise your child alone, but if the father wnats to be around it is best to let him

    best of luck to you

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  • peefster78peefster78

    This may sound strange, but I am in almost the exact same situation.  I'm 31, found out I'm pregnant just a week after the break-up, and his only input was to insist on abortion.  I can't even fathom that choice, so I guess this is my journey.  He also has another child, but apparently didn't want any more.  He's 11 years older than me and says he's not financially or emotionally able to deal with a baby.  I'm just so shocked because I never thought he could be so cold and just walk away like this. 

    Anyway, just reading your post reassured me that I'm not alone and this isn't the end of the world.  I'm nervous about talking with my friends and family about my situation, but I know after the shock I'll have their support.  Of course I would love to have the father involved (I still just can't believe he won't be around, but I guess I'll have to get used to it), but I know I'm making the right choice. 

    I think all you can do is let him know your feelings and then let him decide how much (if any) he wants to be involved.  You can let him know he can be a part of the baby's life, and that doesn't mean your life, but that's about all you can do.  Just put your energy towards doing what's right for you and the baby, that's all you have control over...

         

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  • fauxshelleyfauxshelley member
    imagetifanico:

    I think Im one of the few "pro-dad" ladies on here. 

    I really advocate for doing everything in your favor for your child to have a relationship with his dad. Yeah, while its 100 times easier not to have them in your life, the kid is going to benefit from it.

    There are a lot of shitty dads out there, thats for sure but you cannot make a decision only based on the way he has reacted to your pregnancy.For some men, the baby doesnt feel real until they are born.

    If you want him to be part of the kids life, then tell him just that. Tell him in a very business way, that there has been problems between the two of you but that you hope that he is involved in his kids life and that the two of you can work together to make the child happy.

    To make a very long story short, with BD, we started from him wanting me to get an abortion to an excellent that once she was born. Im aware that I really got lucky but unless you try, you cannot know for sure. 

    I agree with Tif.  My XH was a great father to our DD, but wanted nothing to do with our son (XH was with another woman when Iwas pregnant and ready to move on.  He failed to mention that little detail to me though.)  We split up, and XH didn't come to the hospital when DS was born, even though I called and requested that he come sign documents.  He didn't see DS for about 2 months, and even then wouldn't look at him.  Several months later he broke up with the homewrecker, and decided he wanted to be a part of the kids lives again.  We came up with a step up plan, and on DS's first birthday XH took him for the first time to visit his parents.  XH is a wonderful father now, and we are able to get along and be effective co parents. 

    The point to my story is this, give the guy a chance to get his head out of his @ss.  Keep the lines of communication open, and he may surprise you.  Always take the high road no matter what, because at the end of the day, you may have many questions from your child, and you want to be able to say that you did all you could to keep his/her father activley involved.

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  • aimmarhaimmarh

    Thanks for sharing this... Knowing that you are not alone in this helps a lot.  One of the things that helps me get through this was to tell my family. Of course, they was in shock at first, but now they are very happy and so excited about the baby.

    I haven't talk to the father in weeks. I called him, no answer, so I left him a message saying that if he wants to be part of the baby's life, I will not stop him.  Still no answer... but at least I feel relax that I tried.  

    Now I am making new plans, moving on... trying to keep going without him. Sometimes I remember how much that hurts, but then I remember that I have a lil' person that needs me strong and happy.  My baby is my gift, my blessing, my reason to keep going and be strong.

    So, enjoy your pregnancy, live it to the fullest... and make plans and dream big for you and your baby...

    Wish you both the best.

     

     

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