- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Multiples
New Mom of 6 mos. Twins- Nanny Situation- Input Appreciated!
Hi there,
I'm a new mom of beautiful, healthy 6 month old b/g twins. I had a touch-and-go pregnancy, but I made it to 36.5 weeks, and I delivered them at 5lbs12oz, and albs 2oz, with zero time in the NICU. Truly blessed considering I was told that one had an elevated risk for Downs and the other was breech the entire time. I am 38 years old and have progressive MS that relapsed quite hard after their birth, but have been working dilligently with extra treatments (solumedrol--basically steroids) and physical therapy and hand/motor skills. I'm also working on walking and balance and speech with therapists. This all hit me pretty hard after their birth, and we were somewhat prepared because the doctors told us this was a big possibility.
So now, I have these two wonderful babies (gush!) and my husband picks up a lot of the slack as far as carrying them and swaddling them and pushing their stroller. He also carries their car seats because they are very heavy. He is 12 years younger and in fantastic athletic shape, which has come in handy:) His job is in sales and he has a very understanding boss who has allowed him to work 75% at home, but his "busy" time is ramping up, and he'll be gone during the days from about 8-6 starting in mid-September. I also have an exceptional mother-in-law, and 5 sisters in laws who are all very caring and at the ready if we need anything (most of them live out of town, however). The heat has exaserbaserbated my symptoms about ten-fold, and so I'm really struggling.
My doctors suggested I get childcare, either day car or a nanny since I can't take care of the babies on my own. We toured a few daycare centers in our area, and left in tears. In our area, they are just not up to par. Most places in the country must not be as bad. So our search for a nanny began. We interviewed 13 nannies and found one who we vetted and hired. We put together a great package of benefits and paid holidays, paid sick days and personal days, and we are paying her well, I think. It's roughly half of my husband's take home pay. We are able to survive because he gets a large end of year bonus, and because I recieve disability pay for permanent disability. Even so, it's at least a quarter of our monthly income. She works 35 hours a week, and we have scheduled a raise in September (3%), and March (6%), and again in Sept (3%) all for good care, and good faith to take great care of the babies. We really stretched ourselves to give her the best we could. All in all, the "salary" works out to $10/hour not including all the perks. For example, we took a 6 day vacation, and we paid her for those 6 days, even though she did not come along, check on our house, or do anything during that time for us.
Our babies are on a BabyWise schedule which means they eat every 3 hours, have playtime for and hour and 15 minutes, and nap for an hour, During an 8 hour day, this works out to 4 hours of nap time, and several hours of playtime where they play unassisted under their play gyms. (I know because we have monitors set up in our room and can hear all interactions.) Also, my husband is home 75% of the time, which means he checks in and will play or change a diaper or two, and I am home 50-70% of the time, doing the same. sometimes all 3 of us are in the nursery caring for the babies. So she has a lot of help. We are available by phone or text if we are not home. I am often at treatments or at my doctors appointments when I am not there. But within a half hour, I can be home if absolutely necessary.
When we hired her, we said our primary need was a "House Manager Nanny." Someone who could help us manage our daily household functioning, along with the babies schedule, which we have worked very hard to establish as parents. Of course the babies are Priority #1, but we also need someone who is organized and efficient, and willing to throw in a batch of laundry for the babies and for us everyday, someone who will empty the dishwasher, reload it and turn it on at the end of her shift, and someone who will make 2 batches of formula a day (we have a BlendTec). They must take out the garbage, and recycling and sweep the floors, make our bed, and do light housekeeping, which to us, means, chip in when you see something needs to be done. That said, we aren't slobs, we do our dishes, clean up and make it easy for her. Trust me, I'm really the type who "cleans for the housecleaner" type.
Since hiring her, she has told us, that she doesn't do dishes or trash at home, and she won't do it for us, she has mixed our colors and ruined hundred of dollars of expensive Nordstrom clothes, and ruined lots of the babies clothes by mixing the colors. I asked her not to do this. She never empties the lint trap, and the bottles are always dirty at the end of her shift. We figure she's a pot head the way she defends legalizing pot and can't remember a thing. Plus, we found out she's not a legal citizen (from the UK) and lied to us about her status. She insists we pay her under the table and this messes with our tax return and credit. Not to mention my disability. If she gives the babies a bath, for instance, she leaves the whole mess for me to clean up (the bath sponges), the towells, the soap, well, you can imagine, and it's like that for everything. Plus her snacks and drinks strewn all over the house, even after she leaves. It's like we've got a teenager living with us. We are picking up after her. She tells us she's leaving early with no notice (since we are at home she thinks it's OK.) And shows up late, or if on time, she stays downstairs for 20 minutes to fix her breakfast before actually starting work, even if it means the babies schedule gets off and they don't get fed on time. Also, because she's not a citizen and wasn't upfront about when that was coming through (2 weeks, she said, then Christmas, now 'next year') she can't drive. Which means that I can't give her a list to run to the store to get groceries, a huge plus for someone like me who needs someone to lift groceries. Before you say she's going above and beyond for a nanny, keep in mind it was FULL disclosure about my condition and her responsibilites, fully laid out, and she agreed to help with meal prep and shopping, things she clearly could not do. She can't even drive our cars legally.
We paid her two weeks advance. A Big Mistake. We'd be out that money for sure. But at this point, we need someone reliable who will show up and be productive. I'm all for breaks, and having internet time or down time or whatever. But I can't take the laziness of Zero help, and then when there is minimal help we beg for it and it's done so poorly that we wish we hadn't asked.
Any opinions or experiences are greatly appreciated. Especially stay at home moms who have nannys or stay at home dads who have nannys. Or people in disabled situations. Please don't respond if you're going to lay into me about the miracle of having babies and then getting a nanny. The world isn't so black and white. Obviously you don't know how heartbreaking it is to have babies that you can't take care of day to day on your own, even though you desperately want to.
Expecting Boy/Girl Twins in February 2012!!:)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New Mom of 6 mos. Twins- Nanny Situation- Input Appreciated!
It sounds like you need to start looking for a new nanny. You're obviously unhappy with this one. How long has she been caring for the babies?
It's been two months. Long enough to get a good idea of things, or for her to catch on if she was a slow learner, I think.
I think that's a fair amount of time. I also think your expectations are realistic.
I'd definitely look into hiring someone else. I'm sorry the current nanny isn't working out.
You obviously don't frequent the multiples board. The likelihood that you'd get blasted for any of your post is not very high here. However, the bolded part will immediately put folks on the defensive.
That being said - you need to find a new nanny, and you know it. She's not meeting your needs, which is really all that this boils down to. What does your contract say about termination? For the next nanny, I'd also consider writing terms of payment (ie "above the table") into the contract as well.
Also, instead of paying the nanny to be both nanny & housekeeper - I'd consider hiring each as a separate position, and get two different people to them. Your nanny should be responsible for cleaning up after herself and the babies. Let someone else handle the rest of the responsibility there.
This exactly. Fired your current pothead illegal slob of a nanny ASAP and look for a legal nanny and housekeeper.
This sounds ideal for us, as we have an extra room and we are paying about 14K a year as is.
As for other posters, i.e. yes we checked on 3 of her past references, all of which raved about her but were very tenative in saying that they had issues with her not returning phone calls or sometimes arriving late. They said above all, she was excellent with the kids, which I have to say has been my experience. I think their needs were different, too. We did not know she was not a citizen. She is married and drove to the interview. She said she had papers and gave us a US Marriage License. We looked into her and found nothing--apparently because she didn't exist. All along, she's told us her citizen ship is coming through sooner than it will, which is dishonest we feel.
Didn't mean to put anyone on the defensive, not my intention even a little bit. I've been on the boards a lot during pregnancy, so you're right, I should have known better! Yikes. Moving on, I like the idea of having an au pair and I even more like the idea of an older nanny (she's 24). Also, I like the idea of hiring 2 nannies, so there's a second nanny if the first can't make it or calls in sick. ALso this way, they don't expect all the benes and perks. It's a part time job we can pay as hourly and not salaried. Better for record keeping and taxes, too. We've built the housekeeping into the job. There's 2-3 of us to care for the babies so it's not unreasonable, especially with their sleeping and play time habits. Hiring a housecleaner is usually a "crew" with their chemicals and their shoes tromping through the house. I like to have my environmentally conscious products,etc. Anyhow, re: au pair, I will try to send you an email or contact you off the boards.
Thanks everybody! I'll update on our progress.
Hi, so I actually don't know how to reach you.
I think my email is with my account. i don't want to put my email on this board though. lemme know.
Under her post, you should see the word "Contact" after "Reply" and "Quote". Clicking that will send her a private message.
You seem to have some guilt about firing this person and maybe I get that, but she's an employee and she's not living up to the job requirements. End of story. Sometimes this happens, even if you do your due diligence. Though, if you do go the nanny route again, you might want to invest in the background and/or dredit check.
We are looking into au pairs as well, as our company has a relationship with an agency. There are ones out there that are older, but remember this is also a cultural exchange type of program, so it does tend to attract more of a younger group.
Good luck!
oh my gosh, i'm so sorry you're going through that! please get rid of her as soon as you can! it sounds like more stress than help!
we were referred to care.com to find a sitter and nanny. i havent used it yet, but we did sign up for it. we also thought about the au pair but just dont want to take that much from our savings acct up front.
Fire her now!
I have several friends who use Au Pairs and love it. Neither of them are citizens either, but they are hired by the agency and are certified to work in the US. The agencies usually do all the research and vetting too.
Thanks! I figured out how to contact the woman about an au pair.
Yes, we have guilt, but we are also absolute about our babies and my health being priority #1. Good luck getting an au pair. It sounds ideal getting one through your company program, at least she'll be somewhat vetted.
Thanks for your input. I do think it was a bait and switch on her part. But the more I think of it, it's as simple as she is a Bad listener. So even though we told her very clearly what we needed and our expectations, and she agreed and nodded along, I really do think, thinking back, that she just wasn't listening. So often, I'll tell her something, and she'll space it and really she just doesn't listen well or follow verbal instruction well.
Last night my husband came home early and we all had a sit down. We started out saying all the things we really liked about her, and to be fair, there are a lot of things, mostly we do enjoy her personality. Even though she is lazy and dishonest, she is a kick to be around. (It's just you don't want a fun going partier to be your babysitter, do you? Just like you don't want your hungover hairdresser to be your surgeon.) But we did tell her that we appreciated her, but that her priorities were misguided, and that we understand that she is a "list person." And we haven't been good employers for not giving her more structure in the form of lists. We gave her 3 pages of expectations, via very clear lists of daily, weekly and bi-monthly tasks. We also had an "other" section of what was common sense, like, please pick up after yourself (please don't leave your dishes and glasses in the nursery, etc), your make up in the bathroom, etc. All in all it went really well, and at the minimum, she was told that she's on notice, and that we need her, as a general rule, to pitch in where she sees she could help out.
I looked around my house last night, after cleaning up (doing laundry, dishes, wiping down countertops and folding laundry) and I just thought, "I really do alot of work around here. I'm not being unfair. We are not slobs. She shows up every day to a clean house." Anyhow, I expect our arrangement will last another month until school starts and then we will get out of it. I think my husband and I made some BIG mistakes in trying to be good employers and err on the side of treating an employee super good so they will be good to us and our babies. It backfired is all. And we didn't check credit, that's true. I didn't even consider it. Why is that important? (I must be naive?) We must be really stupid parents. Well, as our nanny said at our meeting, and looking back, I thought it was quite rude, "I mean, I've been a Nanny for 7 years, and you guys have been parents for what?...I mean, like, just 5, 6 months?? So I know a lot more..." I looked at my husband with a look like, "Seriously? Honey, I think she just fired herself."
Thanks again, everyone. Oh, and to the person who signed up for Care.com....Get your Money back!! That's how we found this girl!! They do not do background checks. They don't check references except automatically, and a person doesn't need anything except an email account to get on their site. Please don't go through them. We learned our lesson. I think for the occasional babysitter (2-5 hours) it's okay, but not for long term, in your house full time care. Hope that helps!:)