- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
September 2012 Moms
Eastie156
member
"Best friend" missed our baby shower-very long
Eastie156
member
I just noticed another post below about someone missing a shower, but need to get this off my chest.
One of my oldest friends (we've been friends since Freshman year of H.S.-more than 15 years) didn't show up to my baby shower on Sunday. No call, no show. She never rsvp'd my Mom, so my Mom had to call her and she assured my Mom she'd be there, but wasn't. Here's the thing. About a month ago she made a really big deal about calling to ask me what I wanted for a gift and made sure to mention that she'd get me something nice too. I told her not to worry about me and when she asked where we'd registered I only told her BRU knowing that PBK was out of her budget. But it gets better:
1) She missed my bridal shower last year with no explanation. I let it go because I really didn't feel like stressing about it. She never bought us a shower gift or a wedding gift.
2) I paid for her bridesmaid dress for our wedding. I offered and made the assumption she'd try to pay me back. She hasn't. I paid for her daughters dresses and accessories as they were our flower girls.
3) She missed my bachelorette party. ( I totally understand she has 3 girls and I know she doesn't have much time off from work-she's a nurse and works 3rd shift).
4) When I had my m/c in the fall, I called her to talk to her about it as she'd also had one about 5 or 6 years ago. She never called me in the months following to see how I was.
The question I pose- Should I let this "friend" go? I know she's been through some tough times (a divorce, etc) but I've always made the effort to call, visit and offer support. Even while she was getting divorced and I was engaged, I listened more to her about her divorce than she did about my life. I felt it was only fair. She was hurting. The whole $ issue gets me though. Because I stalked her FB page and saw she bought her girls a pet last week....I don't get it and I don't know what to do. Thoughts??
ETA- This may sound like it's more about the $, but it's not. It's more about the fact that I don't feel like she respects our friendship in any way and takes advantage of DH and I.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Best friend" missed our baby shower-very long
This is only something you can decide... nobody here really knows or understands the entire history of your friendship with this person. Any response given here would be based solely on the information you have provided....so that poses the question: Is this the only information you base your entire friendship on?
My suggestion... sit down and think long and hard about it all. If it were me, I would be sitting down with her and clearing the air, but that's just how I would handle a situation like this. Ultimately, it's up to you. GL.
I just tried to edit the post. I don't think it's even the gifts that I'm upset about- I feel like she takes advantage of DH and I's hospitality. I guess you are right. It sucks though- I was there for her with all 3 of her girls births/showers/ bday parties. I'm sad that she's decided that my life isn't as important to her as hers was to me.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
This is good advice. Our history is really that we've been best friends (albeit that there have been times that we haven't seen each other for months and once a year on end) We've always picked up and left off where we previously were. I guess I need to have an honest conversation with her.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
I guess I just don't get why though? I didn't do anything that I'm aware of to push her away. Wow. I just realized how whiney my posts sound!
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
Wow, I totally relate with my best friend who missed my shower, except we have only been friends about 3 years. She didnt show up to my bridal shower, I bought her bridesmaid dress as her "wedding present" (since she conveniently planned her wedding one month before mine, which I bought my own dress for), she missed rehearsal, and showed up halfway through the dinner, and then told me an hour before my shower that she wasn't coming, and she only told me because I kept texting her because she was supposed to be at my house earlier that morning and never showed. I was really upset and decided to just let the friendship go. About a week and a half later she texted me apologizing and said she knew I was mad and that i had a right to be. We have been talking again, but I have just realized that she is not a friend I can depend on...so not to expect anything out of her anymore.
Sorry for the grammar, I'm getting ready for work so kinda rushed through it.
DH has told me to cut her out as well on numerous occassions. I don't even know if I can bring myself to send her an email at this point.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
I agree that she does but the problem is, that this has always been the reasoning in the past that I forgave her/moved on. But who doesn't have a lot on their plate? I mean I had a m/c in the fall, was working full time, juggling graduate school and a new marriage. That's a lot too. I still reached out to text/call once every few weeks.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
You may never get a reason as to why she's stopped responding. I'd just leave it as is for now. Stop doing all the work in the relationship and getting hurt that she isn't giving back as well.
I'd let it go for now, if she wants to talk, she is fully aware of how to get a hold of you. If she doesn't call/text/email - then you have your answer. Your friendship wasn't worth as much to her as it was to you.
It sucks, it hurts but it happens.
My BFF in high school & I ended up like that. It happened right before my wedding, she showed up, stood up and that was really the last I ever heard from her. We are still FB friends but that's the extent anymore. I have no idea why we drifted apart, we just did.
There comes a point in life when you have re-evaluate who your true friends are. People grow, move, change. It's a part of becoming an adult. I honestly wouldn't reach out to her anymore and when and if she feels the need she can come to you.
I've learned long ago that there are friendships that truely last a lifetime and there are those that come and go as our lives change. I'm sorry this has happened but a true friend would make an effort to come to your showers, your bachelorette party and any other big celebration you have. As much as it hurts, it sounds like she has let you go along time ago. Move on and enjoy that new baby coming!
I agree with PP. You have obviously done a lot of the reaching out and have been met with silence. This could be for many reasons--she could be stressed or depressed due to things going on with her and her situation, she could be secretly jealous of your happiness and not really ready to celebrate with you, or she could simply not value your friendship as much as she used to and want to move on. You have done a lot to reach out, now it's her turn if she wants to. If you really wanted to try one more time and send a quick email/text to say "missed you at the shower" you could, but now it's time to let her reach out...or not. Then you will have your answer.
I have a friend who for a while I considered my best friend. In college when I came home to visit I would see her, but over the past few years, I basically never see her anymore. She made it to my bridal shower, wedding and I think I saw her one more time after that. Since then, she will tell me that she's coming to meet me or coming to some event (like my baby shower) and then she never shows.
Needless to say, I don't put in the effort anymore and I would suggest you do the same. It's not worth getting upset over.
the blog
instagram
Agreed, people need time and space and things happen. But as a friend, I'd think she'd have the decency to be straight forward. Thanks for all the advice ladies. I think I'm holding on to a childhood friend that hasn't grown up- time will tell what will happen.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
Agreed, people need time and space and things happen. But as a friend, I'd think she'd have the decency to be straight forward or to at least let someone know she couldn't make it. The same thing happened at my bridal shower. We were left there wondering if she got lost, etc. We cerfainly go through periods of time where we don't talk regularly. Maybe she's not my best friend anymore, that's why I quoted "best". Maybe she's better termed a long time friend.
Thanks for all the advice ladies. Time will tell what will happen.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
Didn't read the other responses, so forgive me if I'm parroting others (which I'm certain I am)!
Normally, I don't hold it against people for missing showers and what-not (I mean, let's face it, they're fun for the MTB, pretty boring for everyone else), especially if they offer to meet up later or something for a fun afternoon to basically let me know they didn't blow me off. But yes, in this case, I'd let the relationship go. It sounds like she did a long time ago anyway.
This. I recently had to "cut out" my oldest friend. I had known her since eighth grade. It just got to a point where I realized one day that I moved on with my life and her maturity level stayed in high school. We had nothing in common anymore. It was very odd because she still considered me her "best friend" yet we hardly spoke/got together/called each other. When she assumed that she would be a bridesmaid in my wedding and I had to let her down, I pretty much knew at that point that it was over.
GL with your situation - I know it can be hard, but like PP said, it sounds like you are making all the effort. That's not true friendship. My mom always compares friendship to a bank account. You can't keep taking and taking and taking. You have to make deposits as well. I think she stopped "making deposits" a long time ago, so why keep giving?
I know how you feel and it really hurts. I had a similar situation with a "best friend" a few years ago. We were extra close all through high school and thereafter to the point where we were inseparable. Then life set in and no matter how much I tried to keep the connection she just wasn't into it any longer. She would call and make plans and not show or we would book double dates and they would cancel at the last minute. I never understood what happened and it was very painful at the time. One day I sat down and wrote her a letter explaining how I missed her and how I felt it was cathartic and when she never responded I just let it go. I got to say my peace in a healthy way and her reaction showed that she meant more to me and I did to her. Fast forward a few years and we are both married with kids and Facebook suggested us as friends. I accepted and we talked about meeting up with the kids for coffee one day - funny thing - she is never available. I tried 3 times and then moved her to acquaintances so I could restrict what she saw and moved on. It's not worth it and at the end of the day I don't want my kids around a person like that.
I know it is hard but you need to let go and move on. After you do this the lack of pain and drama in your life will set you free. Good Luck!