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September 2012 Moms
Sparty On
member
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
MIL didn't come to baby shower (long)
Sparty On
member
Here's the back story:
As I've previously posted, my MIL has MS and needs assistance for everything. She does not like help from anyone other than my FIL. Going to the bathroom is particularly difficult for her and she does not like to go anywhere other than her own home.
Cut to Saturday (baby shower day):
20 minutes before the shower started MH called me to tell me that his mom would be late because she wasn't able to go to the bathroom yet. By "wasn't able" I mean didn't have to go. She never showed up. She didn't come in case she had to go to the bathroom while at the restaurant.
Keep in mind that my SIL, who has helped her to the bathroom before, was at the shower. So was my mom who is an occupational therapist and also could have helped. Also, there was a bar area with TVs in the restaurant where my FIL could have hung out in case she needed him. There's also the option of Depends or other such garments in case of emergency (if she needed to go and couldn't get there in time).
MIL was aware of all of these options. She decided that the best option was to just not go, despite the fact that the shower was a really big, exciting occasion for MH and me. MH was heartbroken that she wasn't there and it said it cast a dark cloud over what should have been nothing but a happy day.
After the shower MH and I were asked to go their house because she wanted to hear about the shower. So once again, she isolated herself from something and made other people to come to her and do things only on her terms. It was 3 days ago and I still can't believe it.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL didn't come to baby shower (long)
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Aww honey, I'm sorry your MIL decided not to go
Hopefully, you and yh will be able to sort things out with her and move past this. I hope you were able to enjoy your day regardless... xo
If your MIL who has MS isn't comfortable going to the bathroom without the assistance of her husband then that's perfectly acceptable. Just because she was presented with other options doesn't make it any easier for her to do something she's very uncomfortable doing in public.
Cut her some slack.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with DFWIndian.
I can certainly understand where you're coming from - being upset that she wasn't there - but honestly, it's not like she didn't show up because she just didn't want to, or because she didn't give a crap. She has MS. She requires the assistance of loved ones to go to the bathroom. I'm sure that's not an easy thing for someone to swallow, and I'm sure she didn't want to draw attention to herself on your big day by having to get up from the table with another person to retreat to the ladies' room. Like PP said, she could have had other issues going on that day, too.
I kinda feel for your MIL. At least she made an effort by wanting to know how the shower went. It's more than some MILs give their DILs, y'know?partial molar pregnancy : bfp 6.28.10, d/c 8.17.10, 7 rounds methotrexate, cleared 7.1.11
alexander patrick : bfp 1.16.12, born 9.20.12 @ 39w1d, 7 lbs./11 oz./22 in.
scarlett irene elizabeth : bfp 5.24.13, born 2.3.14 @ 41w2d, 7 lbs./13 oz./19 in.
I agree. MH has an aunt with it and she barely gets out of the house for fear of what might happen in a bathroom situation. I don't blame her, that'd be mortifying.
Believe me, I am well aware that MS is no joke. I see how she struggles with tasks most people take for granted and it truly is heartbreaking. Yes, it is possible that there were more issues going on that I was unaware of it. Of course she wishes she were healthy enough to be there; that goes without saying. My problem is that there were things that could have been done so she could have gone, like asking someone for help or asking my FIL in to go (which was his idea, not mine). She chose not to do those things. She could have made arrangements so she could be there and she didn't.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
I find this post incredibly self centered...she has ms for goodness sake. Maybe she's not comfortable with your mom helping her in the bathroom. I would not blame her one bit for not attending. At least she wanted to hear about it adterwards. Dh's aunt passed away from ms last year, it's a horrible disease.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I totally get it.
My own mother did not come to my shower this past Saturday. She said she fell out of bed and her body was sore. My mom has made my pregnancy all about her (when she's not judging my decisions.) I actually was relieved she wasn't there.
I know you are probably more hurt for YH than for yourself but it stinks either way. Not to be a downer but I watched my friends mom pass from this disease. I think its only going to get worse. Again, I'm so sorry.
Honestly, would you want to get up in front of an entire room of people to go to the bathroom with your husband escorting you and then go into a public restroom with your husband because you couldn't on your own?
Does she usually go out or does she prefer to stay home? Also my mom isn't attending my baby shower this weekend bc she doesn't care for my mil. I could care less honestly...just appreciate the fact that you were given a baby shower.
I see where you all are coming from and how you can think I sound selfish. Honestly, the reason I care as much as I do is because of how upset MH was. My SIL reacted to this the same way that I did, so I guess it's different if you actually know my MIL.
Depends weren't the only option - it would have been a last resort. I agree that it's not an attractive choice.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
This is my thinking too. MS is really serious. I'm sure she would have preferred to be there, especially sinec she asked you to come by after and tell her all about it. I'd cut her some slack.
She goes out. Obviously she spends most of her time at home, but as far as I know, when there is something she really wants to go to she finds a way to go.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
MH was upset because he feels badly for his mom.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
It does kind of suck, but my DH's uncle had MS and passed a few years ago. He found it to be a very humiliating disease and hated being a burden to other people most of all. While I only knew him towards the end of his life (when he was bedridden) I know he was a very proud man and even after so many years, was embarrassed by all of the help he needed.
Cut your MIL some slack. The humiliation she has to go through alone is enough to have a little more sympathy on her. Not to mention the pain she must have. I'm sure she wasn't too excited about missing the shower either and I'm sure she's even less excited about what the disease is going to make her miss in the future.
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WOW. I think you AND your husband are both ridiculous. It's not as easy as just "asking someone for help" or "there are things that could have been done." Just no. It does NOT work that way.
I understand that you were disappointed she wasn't there, but I still think you are taking this too personally. My dad has diabetes and it can be very frustrating when situations occur that I feel could have been avoided due to better management of his condition. But to feel slighted because she didn't attend your shower... I think you need to refocus your energy.
I don't want to add on to your bad feelings about the whole situation, but I have to agree with other PP. My father has MS and every day is a battle. One of his big issues is also toileting. You don't specify in your post, but people with MS with control issues usually have both bladder and bowel problems. Depends may hold stuff in, but trust me, it does nothing about the smell (even if it is just urine). I can't imagine anything more mortifying than being in a public place (with people she clearly knows) and soiling myself then having to try to clean up in a public restroom. Also, heat and humidity usually make MS symptoms much worse, so depending on the weather she could have been having a very bad day. Let the woman keep some pride in what is probably a very difficult time of life for her. If she cared enough to want you to come over afterward to hear about it, I bet she feels really sad that she missed it. Just my opinion.
Ah, okay, that's more reasonable. I took it as him being heartbroken for himself that his mom wasn't at the shower. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with that, it's just such a shittty disease.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
If I had MS I would be very particular of where I went. Just because there was other options for her doesn't mean she feels comfortable with those options. It was a baby shower, it wasn't a wedding, baptism, or a funeral or any other big life changing event. I am sure she would prefer to be around the baby and you guys and not around a big group of people. Yea it is nice to have people you love there, but at the same time I would only want them there if they were comfortable.
I'm sorry that this happened and cast a cloud over your shower. I understand why it would be upsetting for you and YH. My MIL has a number of health issues, and I often disagree with how she handles things. It's very frustrating because you're trying to be compassionate, helpful, etc, but it can be difficult. It sounds like in the situation with your MIL, there have been other incidents to add to this frustration and make it more difficult for the rest of the family to be understanding.
That said, I agree with some of the PPs that you should try to cut her some slack. It may have been that she didn't make much of an effort to come, but she also may have been worried about taking attention away from you and YH or making some kind of scene. At the very least, give it some time and try not to hold it over her head. If it seems like this is becoming a regular thing (where she's missing events, etc), maybe you can all work to see if there's some way to address that issue and help her out--or find out if there's other stuff going on that she's not telling anyone (my MIL does this).
I hope you had a good shower otherwise!
I also don't think she is being a horrible person for having these feelings about her MIL not being at the shower either. It's human to be disappointed... the fact that her MIL has MS doesn't change that either. Is it a bit selfish? Sure... but again, that's human. It's clear that she is simply venting some of her disappointment and frustration... which of course, will pass. That doesn't mean that she understands any less, or feels any less for what her MIL has to go through on a daily basis. I call bullshiit on anyone who wants to claim they have never had a selfish reaction to a situation before.
She's just venting... see it for what it is. It's not like she's calling her MIL up and chewing her out for not showing up (which I would most definitely side eye). She's dealing with her own frustration (and her husband's) about something she couldn't change... it happens. Agree or not, that's how I see it.
Whim
I may have agreed with your post but there is this last piece at the end of her OP
"So once again, she isolated herself from something and made other people to come to her and do things only on her terms. It was 3 days ago and I still can't believe it."
To me, it sounds like she's saying MIL did this on purpose and it's so typical of her. That she doesn't want to get out but very well could have.
FTR, when I saw my MIL after the shower, I was kind and gracious as I always am; I am certainly not hanging anything over he head. This post was a vent. I am disappointed she wasn't there? Of course. Do I think I would have made the same choice? No, but it's not for me to say and I have never walked in her shoes so it's also impossible for me to say.
Our Baby Boy is due September 8, 2012
Our Baby Boy is due September 8, 2012
I still see the comment as part of her vent... managing and dealing with the impacts of someone else's illness on a regular ongoing basis (especially when they are close to you) can be draining, frustrating and difficult.. just speaking from my own experience here. I still think OP is entitled to her feelings.. based on what she has shared on TB in the past, it does appear that this is more than an occasional occurrence with her MIL.
...and, if we are being completely honest here, some folks DO (unfortunately) use their illness or situation as an excuse (for lack of a better word), from time to time. Again, just speaking from experience. Not saying this is the case here... but it does happen.
I think it would have been nice if she would have called you to say she wasn't going to make it because she was having issues. Also, "I love you both and really wish I could be there. It breaks my heart to miss such an important day."
I won't go into an explanation, but my mom has issues with attending things due to her self-diagnosed (WEB MD) "connective tissue disorder" and "toxic pockets." I'm not sure if your MIL has a touch of this, but if not a legitimate illness or symptom of her illness, it is likely a touch of mental illness.
Well said Whim. I agree completely.
I agree with previous posters.you are being unreasonable and for crying out loud, it is just a baby shower.
My mil did not have MS, but lung cancer and a number of other medical issues. We were very close and provided her most of the caretaking for the 4 years prior to her death. I miss her everyday. You need to focus on the time you can spend with her. You are upset about a baby shower, well she is dying, get some perspective here and also try to show some empathy for your fil who is taking care of her. It is not easy helping an adult to the bathroom and helping them to change their diapers. Exhausting and humiliating for everyone involved.
I would be disappointed too, but I can totally understand why your MIL didn't come to your shower. It's okay to feel hurt, but you also need to understand her side of the story.
My MIL told me she wasn't coming to my shower because she had her husband's aunt's birthday party the same day. (FIL passed away and she's remarried.) I was really hurt by that because I felt that her first grandchild's shower should be more important. She made her choice though, and she was the one who was going to miss out. Then fast forward to a week before my shower, the birthday party was cancelled due to illness. She decided to come to my shower, but sat there pissy the entire time. She refused to participate in any games, and actually sat there making fun of the shower the whole time. I would have rather she didn't show up!!!! MH called her out on her actions, and now she hasn't spoken to either one of us in a week. My MIL is choosing not to be there for us or her first grandchild for no good reason. She wants to control us and tell us how to live our lives and we won't let her. She's going to miss out big time.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have it bad. Your MIL has a serious illness that keeps her from things. Mine just decides she doesn't want to be around. And I know others have it worse than I do. I'm just lucky to have my mom, who's very supportive. Be happy for what you have!