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3rd Trimester
GRMama24
member
Adjusting to changing friendships...
GRMama24
member
Hey Everyone,
So as a FTM, I am trying to take the approach that most of what I am going through emotionally or physically is probably pretty normal. One of the things I was wondering about was friendships. This happened a bit when DH and I got married- we were pretty young and were the first of our friends to do so (however I wouldn't change it one bit). It was interesting adjusting to married life with all of our close friends still single or dating. Similar things are happening now as we are the first of our friends to have a baby (at least for the most part).
Is it normal to feel distanced from your friends who aren't even near becoming parents? Have you found that your friendships maintained themselves even with your non-parent friends? How have you tried to balance this aspect?
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Re: Adjusting to changing friendships...
This is a pretty loaded question because it's not just you. You can only control yourself- how your friends react is completely out of your hands. I can only tell you that I have tried my best to talk to my friends about more than just the baby, make sure I check in with them like I used to, and generally be a good friend to them. By making this extra effort things haven't really changed with any of my friends no matter there status, single, married, with or without kids. Just be yourself and acknowledge and appreciate your friends. That's all you can really do.
If you feel like you are drifting apart, I'd say something. At first my friends thought I didn't want to hang out because I was preggo, and I just had to say that I still wanted to go out and I make an excellent DD. Everything has been great since.
GL!
To be honest, you might have some friends who disappear after you have a baby, and there may not be much you can do about it.
I agree with PP, make an effort to find things to talk about besides your kiddo, and make an effort to ask about what's going on in their life, even if it feels completely foreign to you. When I was childless and not interested in having kids any time soon, nothing annoyed me more than people who couldn't talk about anything but their kids. Now that I'm a mom and I've been on maternity leave for 3 months, I get it - taking care of my kid has been all I've done 24/7 for all this time- but I try not to make that the only thing I talk about.
It also helps to figure out what baby-friendly activities you can do with each of your friends. Bars, movies and non-kid-friendly restaurants are obviously out, but going for walks, going to parks, shopping, outdoor festivals, and things like that are good. If you can make an effort to reach out to your friends to do things that it's easy for you to do, you have a much better chance of maintaining your friendship.
We were the first of our friends to have kids too, and our friendships did change, but we haven't lost any of our friends. We used to go out every Friday, or on a whim, hit the bar for a bit after work, etc. With DS in daycare, we have to coordinate pick up so going out isn't always an option if the other person is working late etc. Also, we don't go out every Friday with our friends anymore
We have a babysitter on Fridays, but sometimes we just want to have a low-key night and go to a movie then back home instead of staying out really late. Our friends understand, it's just not the same. We can't drop everything like we used to, and they still can, so we do miss out on a little more in that aspect, but DS is amazing and I wouldn't trade him for anything 
I think it depends on the friends. I have some friends who already have kids and our friendships stayed strong even though I was not at that point in my life when they started. Then I have some friends who are not at that point now even though that is what many of my friends are doing.
A couple of my friends are having a hard adjustment and say rude things about how they will never see me again and how could I do this to them. The same friends had the same words for me when I got married, oddly enough and that was the first blow to our friendships. It definitely weakened then and I assume this child will continue to do so. TBH, I am not too concerned about it. It sucks but if they can't accept that I am in a different place than they are but I am still the same person, I don't feel too broken up about it. I mean, I don't want to be out late at night going to bars anyway. If I did, I wouldn't have gotten myself knocked up.
Then I have friends who are in a different place than I am but our friendships are strong as ever. It really depends on how important the friendship is to you and to the other person. Sometimes it's good to weed people out.
Friendships have been changing for me for years. I might finally be getting to where I am happy with them - so my situation may be different than yours.
First a demanding job. Then I got married. Between work travel, demanding friends, and my inlaws visiting....DH and I went a YEAR without a weekend day alone. Not even a day to do some flucking laundry.
Now I'm pregnant. Next step: A kid. I fell off the earth for a few months of this pregnancy when I felt like death, and I became very flaky with my demanding friends. They were all (and maybe still are) super pissed at me, but honestly it's the best thing I've ever done. Maybe there's a chance they will lay off on the guilt trips and "disappointment" when I'm dealing with a newborn or trying to enjoy time with my family. Are you upset that your relationships are changing? I think it is easiest to be friends with people who are in a similar place in life.
I have 4 groups of friends:
1. The chronic students: 28-35 years old, none of them have held jobs outside of their TA jobs at the university. Any day of the week is fair game for drinking, and when we can actually join them, we get a night full of guilt trips for never being around.
2. College friends who live 1.5 hours away. We did everything as a group in college, and it was fun. We're over 30 now. They constantly plan BIG "getaways" that are impossible to do anymore. Like 5 or 7 day camping trips, or trips to Vegas. There is some "big" plan every 4 months, and they get frustrated when we can't make it. Last time they said we were "too good" for them. Um, I was scheduled for a work trip to Denmark. Grr.
3. Two post-college friends who call and text me constantly, and give me shiit when I don't reply or call back the same day. I can get stuck on the phone with them for my entire 1.5 hour commute. I flucking hate it. They want to do "lunch" all the time. I'll do a lunch. It takes 2 hours. I have to work even later, but hey, maybe it'll shut them up for awhile. 5 days later, another invite for lunch. Nope, I can't do it. 2 days later, another invite. This goes on and on and it never ends. I have to say no 3 times in a week! Grr!
4. Two high school friends who have kids and are AWESOME. We touch base when we can by phone, and the 2-3 times we all manage to get together each year are awesome. Never a guilt trip from these friends, they understand.
If all of my friends except "group 4" think I'm a flake, then I'm fine with it. I'm glad I finally have a reason to not crumble to their guilt trips.
It depends a lot on the friends. To some extent, yes of course it can change things a lot. The reality is that having a child drastically effects how you live your life. You can't go out at the drop of a hat, or stay out late without planning ahead. You need childcare arrangements, whether that means one of you stays home, or you get someone else to come in. Either way you usually can't do it without advanced notice. This has been the biggest challenge we've faced with our childless friends. They will text DH at 10pm saying "come to the bar" and I'm sitting there going, really??? And we are not young to have a child, and our friends are the same age as us. They just haven't joined the club yet.
With that said, some of our friends became more distant because we just had less in common once we had a kid. Others are definitely on the baby track, just not there yet. The ones who want children and at least sort of get it have been great. Our daughter is always welcome wherever we go (dinner parties, etc) and they will try to accomodate us when possible. They love our daughter like the aunties and uncles they are.
Thank you to everyone who replied and shared their insight!
It is good to hear overall that the friendships that really count stuck around. It is also good to hear that even though friendships might change, everything else is too, so there will be adjusting no matter what.
For me, having children helped to weed out the acquaintances from the true friends. The acquaintances still wanted me to go out for their over-the-top, expensive birthday parties and would get really upset when I couldn't/didn't want to. Those relationships quickly fizzled out. My true friends still always invite me to events out of courtesy but they don't expect me to attend and it doesn't hurt their feelings if I don't. The people who make an effort to include not only you, but also your children, in their lives are the ones you should keep around. I'm not saying you have to cut off contact with the others, but just expect that they will have trouble understanding and accepting that your priorities have changed. (Also, this has nothing to do with whether or not your friends have children of their own. I have single kid-free friends who spend so much time with my children that they are family. So don't count out the childless.)
Like most of pp, our friendships have changed. We still have a few people who are accepting of the changes in our lives. Then there are those that replace you instead of trying to maintain a more challenging arrangement.
My former best friend (my matron of honor and DS's godmother) went through a divorce and promptly replaced us. She removed herself from our lives and now she is upset about it and is trying to relate messages through mutual friend who still sees us regularly.
You will learn who is your true friend in time, but do not worry, you will make new friends who will understand and work with your life.