Feeling terribly guilty (long)

adorebella · August 2012

Breastfeeding did not work out for LO and I due to nipple confusion (he was jaundice and was given the bottle in the hospital) and my low milk supply. We decided to give up on BFing when LO was 1 week old but since I was already pumping due to low milk supply MH had the idea of trying exclusive pumping. This sounded like a great plan to m and we went head strong into this plan - bought 2 pumps (one super expensive hands-free one even) and all the accessories I would need like nipple flanges and nursing bras. All told we spent about $700 on this plan to exclusively pump. This whole time though we've had to supplement with formula because I still can't keep up with LOs needs.

Here's where I'm feeling very guilty - I want to give it up and exclusively FF now. At the time we decided to exclusively pump I did not realize this would basically hold me hostage to two different schedules - LOs and my breasts. I have to pump every 2-3 hours and although LO eats every 2-3 hours as well we are not on the same schedule. So, at night I might have to wake up to feed LO formula because he's hungry and I don't have breast milk out yet and then pump a half hour or an hour later. Basically I get no sleep. And I get frustrated with LO when he has a hard time falling asleep because I know I have to get up again in 45 minutes to pump. I hate it. But I feel so guilty - for the money we've put into it and knowing that breast milk is so good for LO. I'm just miserable and don't feel I'm being the best mom I can be because I'm so tired, upset, frustrated.

What would you do?

Jcrab · August 2012

Which decision will make you happier long term? You can also make your pumping schedule a little more flexible, like if you are up with LO and due to pump in 45 minutes just pump immediately after caring for the baby and then try to get some sleep. Kellymom might be a good helpful website if you decide to keep pumping. Sorry you are in this situation, pumping is not easy. GL!

sasa625 · August 2012

I have a very low milk supply. Our feeding schedule is nurse, bottle (if DH is home he does the bottle), pump, repeat every 2-4 hours. DD refuses to nurse for her 4am feeding so DH gives her a bottle while I pump. He does have to wake up for work around 6:15 many days but it's not like I will be sleeping any later since we have a 3 year old as well, so I don't feel too guilty. Plus he understands that I'm putting myself through a lot trying to get nursing to work out for us. Could your DH help out with bottle feeds, then wake you when he's done? I know it's super hard and frustrating... I have been going back and forth about stopping (luckily I had all the nursing supplies from #1 although I had the same low supply with her) but I know breast milk is really good for the baby and I'm working with a lactation consultant who is trying to help. If she cant help increase my supply in the next few weeks, though, I will probebly stop or at least stop working so hard at it. You ultimately have to do what makes you happy though, because in the end, that's what is best for your baby!

rebecca4980 · August 2012

Don't have an answer but I feel your pain. I pump exclusively as well (tried BFing after he got a bit bigger but no go-for the first 2 weeks we had to use a bottle as his little preemie mouth couldn't latch). The only thing that works for me is NOT pumping every 2 hours-I go at least 3 hours and I find that I get more milk and it takes less time. Not sure that would work for everyone (the first few days were hard as my breasts were super tender and hard etc-but then after a few days they adjusted). I pump when I feel my breasts getting hard/hurting and then stick it in the fridge to make bottles with. I don't pump and then give it directly to DS. Never worked for me.

We also supplement with formula-usually its a 50/50 mix (2oz each).

I stopped feeling guilty about not "BFing" directly to DS when I realized I'm still breastfeeding...he gets the milk he needs, even if its not much. I plan on stopping when I go back to work as I work 9 hour days and it would just be too much for me. Not feeling guilty about that either! I think the only thing a parent should feel guilty about is not caring about their baby-and you clearly do, so give yourself a break.

cindybaf · August 2012

I would see a lactation consultant again before making the decision to EFF. I'm not judging you, you have to make the best decision for yourself, but you might be able to get him to latch on with help. That way you can BF and supplement if he's still hungry at best, get into a better rhythm/build BM at worst. You will be able to sell the pumps on craigslist, etc, so don't worry too much about the $ you spent...if BFing/EPing just isn't in the cards your LO is going to be fine on formula. BTW- you can wait 4 or 5 hours here and there to pump if that helps you get back onto DS's schedule, you may get more milk too. Good luck with any decision you make.

aah1013 · August 2012

I am exclusively pumping due to my baby being born with a tongue tie and it took a little while to decide to get it clipped. She wasn't able to breast feed, but it is important to me to give her breast milk.

With that being said, I know how incredibly exhausting it is to pump! I am giving it 6 weeks (had intended to bf for at least 6 months) and then seeing how I feel. One thing that I have found to be a huge help is to pump for the next feeding so that you are always a bottle ahead. In the middle of the night, this is especially helpful. I just put on my pumping bra and get my shields in, get my bottles all set up but not put them on yet. I then pick up lo and either prop her up on pillows next to me or on my bent knees and get her ready to take the bottle. I plug in my bottles to myself and begin pumping and feeding at the same time. This way you are saving yourself a lot of time. Then I burp and change baby, put her down, rinse my parts in the sink, and go back to sleep.

Give it a shot and see if it saves you a little sanity. If not, there is NOTHING wrong with formula feeding if that is what suits you. A happy, healthy mother is far more important for your baby's development than breast milk. I've been torn on switching over as well to formula and that is when I came up with my 6 week goal and then I will re-evaluate. Good luck!

ryan5827 · August 2012

i decided to exclusively pump even before Gavin was here. at the hospital i bf ed a couple of times but i knew it wasnt for me. i wanted to give him breastmilk but i didnt want to be the only one feeding him. he had an issue with his glucose in the hospital so we started supplementing with formula and pumping right away. at first when we came home, i was doing about every 2.5 hours. now, i am doing it for 30 mins every 4 hours, and i am feeding him at the same time. DH is home now, so he does the feeding while i pump, but i did make a hands free bra for when hes back at work and i have to multi task. pumping so often made me feel like i was just a milk machine. i had to find a happy medium between being able to give LO breastmilk and keeping my sanity.

gazing_iscariot · August 2012

We were in exactly the same boat. Lo was jaundiced so they were supplementing her with formula while she was in the hospital and when we got home she was insatiable and I couldn't keep up with her demand. My milk came in fine but I felt like I couldn't take care of her hardly because of all the pumping I was doing (we had trouble with latching and like you decided to exclusively pump). By the end of the second week I was a worn out mess and decided to switch to formula. Like you I'm totally feeling guilty (ESP since she's having tummy trouble on formula) but at the time I felt like it was better to not feel like I wasn't enjoying her or be resentful of her because I was so exhausted.

Now I feel like I should give bf another try because of all her tummy troubles but hubby says no way to quit switching things around.

Good luck, I totally know how you feel and hope it works out for the best.

adorebella · August 2012

Thank you ladies so much for your advice - it gives me so much comfort to know I'm not alone in hating pumping. I've decided to relax my pumping schedule, especially at night. From now on I'm going to try to pump every 2.5-3 hours during the day, but won't kick myself if I have to go longer. At night I'm going to pump whenever my little bean decides to wake up. I won't be focusing so much on building my supply and just trying to be happy with whatever I'm able to give LO. Thanks for giving me my second wind!

Big hugs to all my fellow pumpers!

adorebella · August 2012

majorwife:
3 weeks old seems a little young for nipple confusion too. No BFed baby really masters it until at least 6 weeks old.
Have you met with an LC or even looked up the local LLL in your area? They might be able to help you with latch issues.

During his first week we worked with 4 lactation consultants and each time felt like we made headway only to encounter more problems. Basically, LO gives up on the boob because it takes more than .001 seconds to get milk once he starts sucking. If he doesn't get instant gratification for his efforts he screams his head off. I'd like to BF but that was a very dark time I don't want to go back to.

doggie mama · August 2012

I had to pump and dump for the first ten days. I'm trying to get bfing going, but now my supply is messed up so I have to pump between feedings. And it sucks! It's absolutely exhausting. Especially when LO is screaming and I'm trying to hold her and pump at the same time. What keeps me going is the fact that she doesn't have any problems. It's all because of the supply issue. I've wanted to give up serveral times. I think if we had latch issues that would push me over the edge. Do not feel bad if you decide to quit. There is only so much you can do. I know how hard it is. It's probably one of the hardest things I've e er had to work on.

expletive baby · August 2012

man, i totally know the frustration youre feeling. i dont want to type my experience out here because i am lazy and its late and i'm on a tablet, but (and i swear i am not doing this for self promo) i JUST wrote a blog post about my breastfeeding experience. my blog link is in my sig, it's the latest post

good luck with whatever you decide to do!

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