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Blended Families
Discipline problems with 50/50 custody
I have 3 stepchildren and 1 biological son with my husband. I have 2 SS, 6 and 9 and 1 SD who is 5. My biological son is 3 months old. I've known my husband for 13 years and 2 years ago we reconnected, married 1 year ago and now have a newborn. I love ALL of my kids equally! I don't treat any of them different from the other. My stepchildren were my kids before my biological son was, he was a bit of a surprise 
My DH has 2 BM: we have full physical and half legal custody of his oldest (9) and we actually get along VERY well with the BM and her family. They are very greatful for the things we do for my SS. This BM and my husband were never married. They had my SS their senior year of high school. It's a breath of fresh air compaired to having to deal with the other BM.
We have 50/50 custody with the other BM, with a difference of 5 hours a week in our favor, so we have the "majority" (what a joke, lol) of his 5 and 6 year old. This BM is down right awful to deal with! There is a lot of history with their relationship (I'll make it quick) including being pregnant once and my DH didn't think he was the father so he got a PT. They tried to work it out, got pregnant again, got married and divorced only a year later due to her less than faithful ways.
We unfortunately have A LOT of problems with her (so I'm sure I'll be visiting this board a lot for help ) but for now, I'll stick to the issue at hand. In Michigan, they require divorced parents to attend a parenting class. My DH told me that they learned that they do not have to have the same schedule, rules and discipline at both households. This makes sense because if the 2 parents couldn't come together while married, then why should they expect them to work well together once divorced?
Regardless, our households differ GREATLY. The one that we've been running into a lot of trouble with lately is discipline. My SS and SD have not been listening AT ALL. I feel a lot of it is their ages, 5 and 6, but I know a lot of it is the difference in discipline between the 2 households. Through discussions with my SC, we know that not only does mom spank, but she also hits them in other places other than their rear-ends. My DH has chosen not to spank (therefore, I also do not spank). He is very good with his words and his tone of voice. His method of discipline used to work VERY well! Within the last year, it has taken a nose dive in effectiveness.
It's SO heartbreaking every weekend when we take them back to her, they cry because they don't want to go back there. Why not? Because mama is mean and she hits them. So I feel that her phsyical discipline has completely turned our method of discipline into a joke for them. She has this element of fear to hold over them that we do not use at our house.
Any suggestions as to how we can combat this? Or how we can make our method work again? Or even a new method to try? I am open for any and all suggestions I spend a lot of alone time with my SC because my husband is an On Call Firefighter, so it's one thing to have him there to back me up... but a lot of the time, it's me fighting this losing battle, which is combatted by the BM telling the kids to not listen to me. We have such a happy home life here and I can't stand yelling at them, and it definitely does not sink in anymore when you yell!
Thanks!
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Re: Discipline problems with 50/50 custody
I got the idea for "smart dicipline" here on this board, and it's worked very well for quite awhile. We have a chart on our fridge with 10 boxes on it. The first 3 boxes are "free spaces", they say free in them. The rest of the 7 boxes have a privelege in them. (snacks/dessert/soda, video games, tv, playdates, extracurricular activities, etc...). Underneath that we have posted 5 expectations (Be helpful: do your chores without being asked, Be respectful: use an appropriate voice and face, Do what you're asked the first time you're asked, If you know it's wrong-don't do it: think before you act, and Always tell the truth).
Any time SD breaks one of the rules, she checks a box off. The first 3 times she gets a reminder, but basically a pass. Beyond that she starts losing the privleges outlined in the box she checks. We do a "reset" once a week (my SD is 9 so once a week works for us, but you can do it every day for younger children or every 3 days, whatever seems appropriate) and until it resets she has lost that privelege. So if she resets Thursday at bedtime, checks 3 boxes over the weekend and the 4th on Monday, then she has lost the privelege in box 4 until Thursday, and so on.
As for the spanking, is it outlined in your H's CO anywhere that the parties must agree on things like spanking? If not, it might be worth revisiting.
if BM is hitting the kids and hurting them/ leaving marks etc then you need to get CPS involved. the kids are scared to go to her house because she hurts them, that is not okay.
that being said, kids actually adapt really well to different environments. my SD's BM has zero rules or expectations at her house, SD (6) gets away with whatever she wants. our house is very structured, there are rules and expectations. SD is a completely different child when she is with her mom because she knows she can get away with it. don't get hung up on the punishment, just continually reinforce your expectations at your house. punishments can include time-out, taking away a favorite toy/ privilege etc. make sure you reward them for good behavior as well, such as letting them pick dinner once a week, or getting to read an extra story before bed etc.
For us, the key is consistency. SD knows it is NEVER okay to hit/ swear/ back talk at our house. if it has been a while since we have had the discussion (a week +) then she gets 1 reminder, after that there are consequences.
I appreciate the ideas/help! They are typically really good and they almost "erase" the bad habits from BM house when they are here. Wednesdays are ALWAYS tough because it's the adjustment day back to our way of life.
I have run it through my mind GREATLY about involving CPS. They have never had an marks from her, other than a few 'accidental' scratches from her acrylic nails. The kids are open with us about how she hits them and such, but I'm worried that if an outsider were to question them that they would stick up for their BM. And maybe to some extent they are "playing" us. There is NO statement in their CO about spanking, but that is a great idea. I have never thought about that!
Thanks again for your help!