Question For Tandem Nursing Mamas

ashmin · August 2012

I am due in December and have an almost 22 month old who is still nursing. Mainly she nurses to sleep for her nap and bedtime, but here and there throughout the day as well. I night weaned her about a month ago because she was wanting to nurse ALL night and it was uncomfortable for me.

My husband (and some members of my family) think that I need to totally wean DD before baby #2 gets here. I agree with them that it would be helpful for her to be able to go to sleep in another way besides nursing. I know she can do it because when she wakes at night I settle her by rubbing her back and she instantly goes back to sleep.

I just don't know how I will explain to her that the new baby can have mama milk but she can't. She is obviously not ready to wean since she has nursed through the change in taste of my milk and now the drying up of my milk and is still going strong. I feel like her sharing the milk with her new baby brother or sister will actually ease the jealousy issues.

I would rather just wean her from nursing to sleep so that my husband can put her to bed but not completely cut her off. My husband seems to think that nursing two, even if it is only here and there with my DD, would be very stressful in the early months of having a new baby.

So are there any tandem nursing mamas with any advice for me? How difficult was it at first, nursing two. Did any of you nurse both of your kids to sleep still? I would imagine it to be very possible, just with scheduling (putting the kids down for bed at different times) but would it be completely exhaustive? Sorry for the long post!

Angela814 · August 2012

I have not yet. DD1 weaned at 3 years, and DD2 was born when she was 4 years old.

Right now DD2 is still nursing before naps and bedtime (she can be put to sleep without nursing though), and she still nurses at night. I have no definite weaning plans. I guess we'll see what happens. She'll be 32 months when DC3 is born, so I don't anticipate that she'll be nursing much if she is at all.

pixieprincss · August 2012

I'm not there quite yet, but I can share that I did plan to tandem nurse, but nature had other plans. My production slowed wayyyy down the later I got into PG and just three weeks ago totally dried up and DS lost interest. So, you still just don't know what may lay in store for your final months.

Just yesterday I noticed a wee drop of colostrum, but DS has no interest when I offer. We'll see what he does when baby nurses.

I suggest reading Adventures in Tandem Nursing. It doesn't present any "right" answer, just the nuances of many options that may help you clarify your feelings and address those who are weighing in, namely DH since his opinion is really the only other one IMO that truly matters.

Also, remember that just seeing what happens is a valid option. Something isn't a problem until it is actually problematic, right? My son has amazed me with the ways he's changed in just a few months. Had I tried to "solve" his nursing and sleep habits I may have actually set us back rather than letting him develop at his own pace. That strategy doesn't fit for all families, but we have had great luck with it in ours.

tlew12778 · August 2012

Not there yet either but DD is 3.5 and I'm 33w. She nurses to sleep still but is old enough to understand if she can't. Right now I get very string contractions when she nurses so when they're very bad she stops.

StefandTodd · August 2012

My son is not quite a year and I'm 22 weeks pregnant. Since he's so young, it's really important to me to not push the weaning on him. Already, due to waaaay less production and his need at his age for the milk, he's taking in a lot of formula. But, he still nurses to sleep for naps and at bedtime and a couple times throughout the night. My plan right now is to just take things one day at a time, follow his lead and cues, the feelings I'm having, etc. Like your H, I too am worried that nursing two to sleep will be exhausting...but I plan to cross that bridge when I get to it. If I'm feeling exhausted by what's happening, I'll work on the change then. Maybe we never get to that point b/c he loses interest when colostrum comes in. Or maybe he's nursing even more than ever before when my milk comes back, but he's still easily and quickly nursing to sleep and that works well for us all. I can't predict exactly what life will look like with two, so I try not to stress about it. Right now, what we're doing works for our family...so we're going to keep doing it. Wishing you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do! And congrats on baby #2!

00jennifer00 · August 2012

I continuted nursing my older toddler through each pg. With #1, we weaned him when #2 was 10mo. He was still nursing to sleep, so dh started laying with him. #2 weaned when #3 was 1y3mo. She was still nursing to sleep too, but she transitioned really well to laying down with her big brother (they share a room) and going to sleep. #3 is still nursing, but he will be weaned next month (we wean at 3y9mo). Right now he only nurses before bed, and in the last few weeks I've gone from nursing him to sleep, to nursing him for about 5 minutes, then he lays down with dh (he's not disciplined enough to lay with #1 and #2). #4 is 19mo right now, and I plan on nursing her just as long. I might see if she's ready to lay down with #3 when she's 3yo, but we'll see. She will lay down with dh for a nap if I'm not home (rare), so it may be easier for her than #3. #3 is just...#3. He's a tough cookie and a high-strung, stubborn little guy. lol I love being able to nurse the older one when the baby has come. I think it definitely helps to curb jealousy. At night I nurse them at the same time on the couch. When the baby is smaller, I use a pillow to support them, but now I don't use anything. #4 rarely goes to sleep when the other kids do though (she is my night owl and usually outlasts daddy).

StefandTodd · August 2012

00jennifer00:
I continuted nursing my older toddler through each pg. With #1, we weaned him when #2 was 10mo. He was still nursing to sleep, so dh started laying with him. #2 weaned when #3 was 1y3mo. She was still nursing to sleep too, but she transitioned really well to laying down with her big brother (they share a room) and going to sleep. #3 is still nursing, but he will be weaned next month (we wean at 3y9mo). Right now he only nurses before bed, and in the last few weeks I've gone from nursing him to sleep, to nursing him for about 5 minutes, then he lays down with dh (he's not disciplined enough to lay with #1 and #2). #4 is 19mo right now, and I plan on nursing her just as long. I might see if she's ready to lay down with #3 when she's 3yo, but we'll see. She will lay down with dh for a nap if I'm not home (rare), so it may be easier for her than #3. #3 is just...#3. He's a tough cookie and a high-strung, stubborn little guy. lol I love being able to nurse the older one when the baby has come. I think it definitely helps to curb jealousy. At night I nurse them at the same time on the couch. When the baby is smaller, I use a pillow to support them, but now I don't use anything. #4 rarely goes to sleep when the other kids do though (she is my night owl and usually outlasts daddy).

I'm so glad to see someone with experience doing so say this. I think people perceive that the opposite will be true...even my OB, who has two boys 17 months apart (and my two boys will be 16 months apart) said, "oooh, it's best to wean him completely before the baby gets here and he gets jealous!"...but when I read about people who HAVE tandem nursed, they almost always say that it HELPED things, not hurt. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience

bugsmami · August 2012

For us, it was hard to figure things out at first. I had a lot of nursing aversions during pg that I was sure would go away after DS2 was born, but they didn't (just changed). DS1 wanted to nurse way more than the baby, so that was something that I struggled with. I night weaned DS1 a few weeks after DS2 was born so I could get some sleep (DS2 actually slept really well!). The transition wasn't hard (DH took over nighttime by co-sleeping with DS2). Naptime was the hardest time for us at first b/c they both seemed to need to nurse at the same time and I couldn't always nurse them together. Once we got settled things got much easier. I also got better (this past month) about setting boundaries with DS1 (nursing him only before and after nap and night). I don't think I could've set those boundaries at first (too many post-partum emotions). It makes me sad that I don't enjoy nursing DS1... I was very gung-ho about letting him wean, but the way he nurses drives my nipples insane and makes me a little nauseated But, I love that I'm still nursing him (makes me feel better that's he getting at least a little something on days he doesn't eat well). It has definitely helped with the transition to a family of four (very rare for him to get jealous of DS2). And, on occasion when I nurse them both and they stare at each other and hold hands, it makes my heart melt!

I highly recommend the book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing". It has lots of good info/stories of moms who've BTDT!

ETA: It has been a very dynamic relationship. Lot's of ups and downs. You will figure a lot of things out by trial and error and things will change as your new LO grows and each of your LOs go through different phases and seasons.

sapgirl76 · August 2012

I'm tandem nursing right now and there have been some issues. I feel like DS 1 has very negatively impacted my nursing relationship with DS 2.

DS1 won't sleep for me without nursing. Luckily my husband is a SAHD so he's taken the baby for me while I nurse the toddler down. However, when my husband had to leave during nap time yesterday, all hell broke lose. The toddler woke up before he was ready and needed to nurse while I needed to be walking with the baby, who was fussing. DS 1 refused to go back down solo I had a super crznky toddler on my hands.

DS 1 also does not want to share. I've had a lot of latching issues with DS2 because DS 1 will not leave us alone to work on it. The second I sit to try to nurse he gets upset and asks for milk or to be read to or for md to fix something. My breasts are too big to not use one hand to support the breast LO is feeding from so have the extra hand to help DS 1. He gets upset. Tantrum ensues. DS 2 won't latch we both get frustrated.

It's getting better- DS 2 nursed for a while yesterday for thr first time in ages. It was awesome! Also, DS 1 will go down just fine without nursing as long as I'm not the ind getting him down.

ashmin · August 2012

Thank you everyone, for the amazing responses! It is so great to hear from you mamas that are doing it or have done it! I feel like it is totally possible and my heart just breaks when I think of cutting off DD completely. She is just not ready.

I agree with what one poster said about things changing though. Who knows, DD may wean herself when the colostrum comes. I do have the book Adventures in Tandem Nursing, but I just wanted to hear from you ladies what your experiences have been. Thanks again!

bugsmami · August 2012

sapgirl76:

I'm tandem nursing right now and there have been some issues. I feel like DS 1 has very negatively impacted my nursing relationship with DS 2.

DS1 won't sleep for me without nursing. Luckily my husband is a SAHD so he's taken the baby for me while I nurse the toddler down. However, when my husband had to leave during nap time yesterday, all hell broke lose. The toddler woke up before he was ready and needed to nurse while I needed to be walking with the baby, who was fussing. DS 1 refused to go back down solo I had a super crznky toddler on my hands.

DS 1 also does not want to share. I've had a lot of latching issues with DS2 because DS 1 will not leave us alone to work on it. The second I sit to try to nurse he gets upset and asks for milk or to be read to or for md to fix something. My breasts are too big to not use one hand to support the breast LO is feeding from so have the extra hand to help DS 1. He gets upset. Tantrum ensues. DS 2 won't latch we both get frustrated.

It's getting better- DS 2 nursed for a while yesterday for thr first time in ages. It was awesome! Also, DS 1 will go down just fine without nursing as long as I'm not the ind getting him down.

Hang in there! We definitely have had some rough patches and lots of meltdowns related to not being able to nurse him as much as he wants! I have perfected the art of wearing DS1 on my back and nursing DS2 while bouncing on the exercise ball. That the was only way I could handle naptime... I would nurse DS1 for a minute and then he had to go on my back so I could tend to DS2 (who was usually screaming at that point). Do you think something like that would work for you when your DH isn't around to help? At least then you would have 2 hands free to nurse your littlest.

op- if you are in the city you can pm me. There are a few LLL meetings in the area or we can meet-up.

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