When will this get any easier?

Roxie5739 · August 2012

DH and I went to the Hollywood Bowl tonight, my favorite thing to do in LA in the summer. A lovely picnic and a bottle of pinot, life just cannot get any better some days. The event tonight was "The music of Pixar". The LA Philharmonic plays the music to images from the films on a large screen. Often you have to remind yourself that the music is live, coming from the stage and it is absolutely amazing to hear.

Of course we all have seen 1 or all of the Pixar films. I am the one that has seen all, 13, a few many times, It was a lovely evening until they did UP. You know where this is going..... I could feel the wave coming and tried to hold it off but I ended up a sobbing mess when they showed Elle looking into the clouds, turning into babies then the scene in the Dr's office. I was a crazy blubbering mess and my neighbor to my left thought I was some crazy woman. DH was oblivious to it all.

I thought I was handling it better these days but clearly not. It has to get better, I need to regain some balance and be able to talk about this and be able to function one day without thinking of what I am missing out on. CFNBC is just not fair.....

jlcrane78 · August 2012

Sending hugs your way. I'll try and email you back tomorrow.

Aegis2005 · August 2012

I'm so sorry sweetie (((hugs)))

glueck · August 2012

I am so, so sorry Roxie. That darned opening sequence of Up and those Elle scenes tore me apart even before I knew we suffered from IF. MH and I watched it blubbering. On this side of IF, I dont even dare to watch it. I cannot imagine how much it threw you for a loop in that moment! I am so sorry that it caught you by surprise, especially at a moment of peace and happiness. Its so terrible and II'm sorry your peaceful evening was ruined. Hugs.

reb259 · August 2012

I tear up reading this because I am in the same place. It is not fair, just not fair! I try to tell myself that we have a great life, make good $ and have the ability to do more than most. But in the end I feel like such a fraud and that everyone can see through it because behind my smile are dark thoughts and sadness. People who don't know our journey always say, " you guys have the best life...always vacationing, golfing or doing fun things." The truth is I would trade it all to have a child.

All I can say is I feel so much better from the day my beta came back negative and I pray as the days go by it will continue to get better and I hope they do for you too. I have days that are really good...but have others that I could just crawl in a hole. I hate to say that part of me is so angry/frustrated that is the one thing I can't accomplish not matter how hard we work at it, throw money at it or try over and over. Grrrr...hang in there, we will get through it! Big, big hugs!!

AmCheri · August 2012

I'm so sorry Roxie. Having just gotten back from the so-called happi.est place on ear.th, I truly feel everything you've described. I know many loved UP, but MH and I are not among them. The movie was unadulterated torture in the first few moments alone. I'd think it would reduce anyone to tears. Haven't seen it since we started TTC, but I can imagine that now, more than ever, we'd both be blubbering messes. Don't be hard on yourself sweetie. That movie is emotionally manipulative in the extreme. I'm sure you're doing better and are stronger than you think. None of this is fair. Right now it is both raw and unfair, a lethal combo. It will get better someday. Big hugs.

Mrs.McIrish · August 2012

I don't know when it gets easier. I think going out and doing stuff, so called "enjoying life" is really great but it is risky because IF just pops up everywhere and it just smacks you down when you think you had been doing so well. Just get back up when you can. It is all we can do. Big hugs.

rockpaperlove · August 2012

I have the agree with McIrish. Just when you think you are picking up speed ("enjoying life"), IF smacks you down again. Those unexpected smack downs are down right dirty and messy, but today is a new day and I know the sun is shining is SoCal. Without sounding overly cheesy, try to soak in some warm sun rays. XO

illinigal · August 2012

Hugs. I don't know when it will get easier, but I hope it does for you. I hate this cruel world of IF.

MandaS08 · August 2012

I'm sorry hun! Some days and moments are harder than others-and it's so unfair!

mtlaurel · August 2012

I wish I knew when or how to make it get easier. I think it is something that can only come with time, though. Hugs.

Roxie5739 · August 2012

Thanks ladies. Seems it just gets me when I least expect it! I was out today, once early for a hike and overheard a girl telling others that her bump were twin girls and then later in the day at the Marina a baby shower. As Reb posted earlier this week, just the things I will never experience and miss out on. Just a heavy heart when I think about these things......

Thanks for the support and advice, it means the world to me.

MBfromBMC · August 2012

(((hugs)))

IF seems to pop up everywhere...

PrettyAccountant · August 2012

Oh honey - I am so sorry. Honestly, that damn movie always made me cry. My sister even wells up with tears because of it and she gets KU anytime her and her hubby are in the same room. I have known many people to cry at that movie - both fertiles and infertiles. I think your are going through a process that is extremely difficult and heart breaking and I think you need to cut yourself some slack. So what you cried at the movie - you have a great big heart and are full of emotions and it showed.

Super hugs sweetie.