Am I being too sensitive? (vent and kind of long)

jenn0620 · August 2012

So my SIL called me the other day freaking out about a medication she was being put on and she accidently slipped that she got off birth control and would be trying for her third. I was a little upset because they had said they were done and we are at a standstill right now so chances are we will be lapped again by them (SIL decided to get pregnant with # 2 after she found out we started trying). Anyways I told her that while I?m happy she is trying again I probably will be a little distant because this is a hard thing to go through and DH and I yet again not getting pregnant.

SIL wrote me a message on FB saying how it is selfish for me to distance myself from her and her family and how having #3 is going to be when she needs me the most and she said that her and her family deserve my support and deserve to have me around. So I flipped, I told her that it wasn?t my responsibility to help her with her kids when she is making a conscious decision to have more. I also told her that it was rude to ask an infertile person to help her with her children all the time.

So am I wrong? Am I being too sensitive and have no right to blow up at her? I just feel like the family has ganged up on me since this episode and that I was in the wrong, but I also feel it needed to be said.

Sorry it's so long!

SillWombanga07 · August 2012

I don't think you are in the wrong for expressing how you feel but in my opinion I probably wouldn't have outrightly said that you might be a little distant to her. I could see how that might tick her off. I might have just told her that it will be hard to see her with another LO while you and your husband are still trying and left the whole "I' going to be distant" thing out. From what she said to you on FB, it seems like that's what she's hung up on and the reason why just kinda gets lost.

But, in saying that, asking you for help does seem a little insensitive on her part. I think she needs to stop thinking about her situation and consider yours a bit more. Maybe then she will understand why things are hard for you right now.

Just my opinion...

jenn0620 · August 2012

SillWombanga07:

I don't think you are in the wrong for expressing how you feel but in my opinion I probably wouldn't have outrightly said that you might be a little distant to her. I could see how that might tick her off. I might have just told her that it will be hard to see her with another LO while you and your husband are still trying and left the whole "I' going to be distant" thing out. From what she said to you on FB, it seems like that's what she's hung up on and the reason why just kinda gets lost.

But, in saying that, asking you for help does seem a little insensitive on her part. I think she needs to stop thinking about her situation and consider yours a bit more. Maybe then she will understand why things are hard for you right now.

Just my opinion...

Yea you are right I probably could have said it better than that. I think it just ticked me off that she knew I was going to be a little upset and said to please tell her if I am and then she says that I'm being selfish and what not. But I do agree I should have said it differently.

maggie2324 · August 2012

*PAIF warning

My SIL decided to get off BCPs and try for #2 a couple months before I was undergoing IVF #2. I was upset because I really wanted it to happen for me before having to deal with that.

Well, the first month that they actually tried (having sex toward the middle of their cycle) it worked. I found out before she did because she didn't understand that "a line is a line" and thought her tests were negative.

Well, I got a +hpt a week later and now our EDDs are <2 weeks apart and I'm excited to go through it at the same time as her. You don't know when you will be successful, so don't assume that you'll need distance. Wait and see what happens before you assume that you'll be lapped. Hopefully it will work itself out.

miguelandkayla09 · August 2012

i dont think you are being too sensitive. i have had a problem getting pregnant and it seems like its gunna be a little bit longer. My friend who got pregnant the first month she got off BCP is trying again in Sept and she has already told me that if im not pregnant by then that she will completely understand if i can not be in all the baby stuff because it will be very painful and i had a friend whose due date was almost exactly when one of my miscarriages was and she has completely understood. I couldnt even go to her shower or any other for that matter. Your true friends and family will understand that this is just another grieving period for you. Its not that shes pregnant its that you keep being told you cant start a family and its just very painful. I hope nothing ever happens to her that she needs the support of you but if she ever does maybe shell understand. Im so sorry this has happened. I cant believe people dont understand. ive known so many people who have understood where i am coming from even though they blink and get pregnant. This baffels me.

sundowner85 · August 2012

SillWombanga07:

I don't think you are in the wrong for expressing how you feel but in my opinion I probably wouldn't have outrightly said that you might be a little distant to her. I could see how that might tick her off. I might have just told her that it will be hard to see her with another LO while you and your husband are still trying and left the whole "I' going to be distant" thing out. From what she said to you on FB, it seems like that's what she's hung up on and the reason why just kinda gets lost.

But, in saying that, asking you for help does seem a little insensitive on her part. I think she needs to stop thinking about her situation and consider yours a bit more. Maybe then she will understand why things are hard for you right now.

Just my opinion...

Ditto to all of this. You have a right to feel that way, but maybe shouldn't have quite worded like that. I think we are all extra sensitive because of each of our situations. I have to admit I am very sensitive and would have probably had a similar reaction, but I can be quick to anger sometimes and apologize for my overreactions.

If I were you I would probably apologize ("I'm sorry I overreacted" or something simple would be fine) but then it is well within your right to go ahead and still distance yourself. It is totally her choice to try for #3, and if she is actually expecting others to help either financially or by watching her kids all the time, then that is lame and I don't blame you for being ticked if that's what she really meant. HTH.

cdale86 · August 2012

You are by no means being too sensitive. She is quite insensitive and I would distance myself from her even more after this episode if I were in her shoes. I think it was a good thing on your part to explain your feelings and potential distance. I am also very blunt with friends and close family. I see no reason to sugar coat hints. Your feelings are your feelings and she needs to accept this and appreciate the fact that you care enoght about her to share those feelings with her. I'm very sorry you having to deal with this. It made me angry just reading it.

buckeyebaby814 · August 2012

I don't think you're wrong in how you're feeling, but I can understand why your SIL may have felt a little put off by your response of her TTC #3.

I have found that if I need space, I take it and if I think it's causing a problem in a relationship I then address it- such as 'I'm sorry I've been distant lately IF/treatments/etc have been difficult for me emotionally.' I think it's sometimes better received in form of apology, if needed at all.

I do however, think if helping out with your nieces/nephews is difficult for you emotionally, set some boundaries. That's a current situation, her potential pregnancy is not a done deal yet.

zookbride · August 2012

buckeyebaby814:
I don't think you're wrong in how you're feeling, but I can understand why your SIL may have felt a little put off by your response of her TTC #3.
I have found that if I need space, I take it and if I think it's causing a problem in a relationship I then address it- such as 'I'm sorry I've been distant lately IF/treatments/etc have been difficult for me emotionally.' I think it's sometimes better received in form of apology, if needed at all.
I do however, think if helping out with your nieces/nephews is difficult for you emotionally, set some boundaries. That's a current situation, her potential pregnancy is not a done deal yet.

Yeah, I ditto all this. But with that being said, just b/c you wanted to warn her ahead of time doesn't make you a bad person. IMO you were being considerate by letting her know you may be MIA while she is TTC and probably gets pg with #3. Its a hard thing as an IFer to deal with especially when you've been dealing with it for so long.

I know how hard it is when friends / family lap me for the 2nd and now in some cases 3rd time. Its ridiculous and makes me feel broken so I for my sanity I have to stay away. Do not feel bad for you you feel and that you know you'll need space. ((hugs))

I hope it works out that you get pg long before she does again.

jenn0620 · August 2012

Thanks everyone for the perspective, I could have handled it better and I know that now. I will let things cool down a bit before I say anything. We are all going on vacation together this coming week so I don't want there to be animosity and make the rest of the family feel uncomfortable. I love having this outlet to vent and talk to other women who know what I am going through!

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