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Attachment Parenting
Izybel18
member
OT: parent vent
Izybel18
member
My parents (specifically my mom) are driving me nuts! DD is their first grandchild. They live an hour away and almost every weekend they ask to visit. We last saw them on 4th of July and have another family even next weekend, which will make it about 6 weeks in between visits. DH and I feel like this is an appropriate amount of time, but my mom has been hinting/asking to visit for the last 3-4 weeks. Am I wrong? Weekends are really the only time DD, DH and I can spend a lot of time together as a family, and I don't like giving up that time. Does that make me selfish?! My in-laws live further away and see DD less, but I feel like they're way less obsessive about it, possibly because DD is their 6th grandchild.
Is my mom the only one?!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: OT: parent vent
To answer your question, no, you're not the only one. My parents and ILs both live about an hour away and we see them every 2-3 weeks. But we love it...we get to hang out, and my kids will grow up knowing their grandparents really well.
I think that's a ,little odd on your point. Do you know how many people would die to have family so close and come visit so often?
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Personally, I want my DD to have a good relationship with her grandparents. My dad lives about 5 minutes away and he sees DD at least every other week. My mom lives about an hour away and she comes to see DD every week. My inlaws live about 5 minutes away and they see DD every couple of weeks. In my opinion, it is great for LO to have so many people that love her. She knows her grandparents well and always has so much fun with them. I wouldn't want to take that away from her.
With that being said, sometimes my mom drives me crazy because DD is her only grandchild and she has trouble remembering her role. I had to tell her not to make me feel guilty for doing something fun with my DD because she was disappointed that she didn't get to experience it with her. Even with the frustrations that come with her visits, my DD is being given an invaluable gift of a relationship with her grandmother. She is a lucky little girl to feel so much love!
In your case, could you negotiate a visiting schedule that puts limits in place that you can live with? Could you meet your mom half way, have lunch, play in a park and then return home (to keep the visit kind of brief)? Would it help to have your mom visit at your house at a certain time? Perhaps you can give her more time in a way that doesn't seem to take as way as much of your family time. . .
Thanks everyone for your responses and perspective. I think DH and I are probably spoiled, as we are blessed to still have all of our own grandparents. It's not so much the frequency of the visits as it is her intensity. It's hard to explain, but it's almost like she wishes DD were her child. The rest of the world sort of disappears (for her) when she's with DD. My in-laws are so much more casual that it's difficult for me to accept my mom's vibe as normal.
We do FaceTime usually once a week, so she does get to "see" DD. Maybe I'll try that more frequently to see if it helps her "take the edge off"
She'll calm down as your DD gets older. DS1 was the first grandchild for my ILs, and they were v v intense that first year. Luckily, they now have five other grandchildren, and have become more relaxed.
Look at it like you get a break from watching your baby when your mom's around!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
My parents live 7 hours away and they try to see my guys every 6 weeks, but they usually stay for a week when they visit. I think they would die if they lived that close and weren't allowed to see them any more often.
is your LO in daycare? Could you mom take her one day a week so that she could have one on one time with her?
Or maybe your mom could come down during the week every now and then so that you can run errands or take a nap/shower/etc if you stay home?
I would love if my parents lived closer, in fact, we're considering moving in with them for 2 years.
Have you considered allowing them to babysit? You could spend all day with your DD and have them come early afternoon. You and your DH could go out and spend time together and your parents would get one-on-one time with your DD.
Also, visiting at a family event is not the same as one-on-one time with your DD.
I totally get that weekends are your only time for family, but your parents are family too and it's their only time to see their ONLY granddaughter.
I think you need to sit down with your DH and see if there is a way to fit them into your schedule more. What about letting them join you on the weekends? Just hanging out around the house and playing. They'll probably be thrilled just to be around their granddaughter, they dont' need to be entertained.
I personally don't think an hour away is very far at all. My SS lives an hour away and we live in the same city. We pick him up and take him back once a week. My dad lives about 30min away... unless there's traffic and then it's 45min-1hr. So that drive time isn't really a deterrent to me. I think once a month is probably a minimum for grandparent visits if the grandparents are close by and aren't jerks or sociopaths.
Does your mom work or is she retired? Is she able-bodied, willing to drive, and do you trust her to babysit? If so...
Could she pick your DD up from daycare once a week? My dad does this - he picks them up about 3pm so they've had their nap, and he either brings them back to my house or I pick them up from him around 6:30 (I purchased and installed carseats in his vehicle)
Could she come over to your house on Friday after work? She could babysit while you and DH have a date night. If once a week is too much for you, how about every-other Friday night?
Also, your DD is probably too young now, but in the near future maybe she could start having sleepovers at grandma's house. My DD started this at 18mo and DS joined her when he was about 12mo. (There's nothing as lovely as being able to sleep in with your spouse. ) But without those weekly visits so she was super comfortable with grandpa overnights probably wouldn't have been possible at that age. Just saying, more time with grandma now can reap benefits later.
I'm a SAHM so DD is with me all the time. My mom works full time and also won't drive to us (she only rides with my dad), so really weekends are about the only time my parents can visit. I think I will talk to DH and reevaluate how often everyone is visiting, and shoot for once a month. Last weekend when my ILs were here, DH and I actually left and went out for a quick dinner, and it was our first time leaving DD. She fell asleep without trouble for my MIL, which was kind of shocking to me. I EBF and DD won't take a bottle, so that's part of why some of the suggestions upthread won't work for us. She won't go to bed at night for anyone but me, and only naps in the Ergo.
I think I feel a little guilty because being AP has created the above limitations. It's fine with me, but it does create situations where other people can't care for DD. Or at least, in my imagination they can't
My mom constantly asks how it's going with the bottle and I know it's because she wants to be able to keep DD for some amount of time. They bought a PNP for their house but we ended up bedsharing so it's kind of useless. I hate the idea of anyone being "stuck" with an unhappy baby because our parenting choices have made her really attached to me. But maybe it's time to start leaving her with relatives so she doesn't end up a toddler who doesn't feel comfortable staying anywhere else.
A thank you to PP who said her parents chilled out with subsequent grandchildren and with time. I'm hoping that's true in my case, though the way my sisters are going, I may be the only one producing grandkids! And I really do appreciate everyone's responses, I truly thought 6 weeks wasn't too long to wait but since everyone disagreed with me, I guess I was wrong : ) I'm willing to admit that and take advice. Thank you!
Your daughter might do better than you think. My son sounds similar! Fights naps, very attached, etc. but he's done ok when left with his grandparents. Partly because my mom and MIL are so in love with him the never put him down. Hesin heaven!
Even when he has freaked out with them, they're still so happy to see him, they don't care.
Im the same as you, though. I've cancelled having them come over when DS is in a really fussy mood, because I don't want others to have to deal with it. I've since learned, they would rather see him at his worst than not see him at all.