Um.... thoughts???

glueck · August 2012

Well just 10 minutes ago, I received an email from my DE IVF coordinator with our preliminary top 3 anonymous donor choices. I have NO idea how to decide other than by gut impulse. I could use your thoughts, especially if you have ever had experience with choosing a donor whether sperm or egg. Its a very personal decision, I know, and I feel a little odd about sharing it, but I figure that we share everything else, so why not this?

I was offered 3 donors with my approximate height, weight, eye and hair color and blood type. All three evidently have a strong resemblance to me. All were proven donors on some level. One we eliminated because she was outside our age restrictions (too young for our comfort, actually.) The other two are GREAT choices, and MH and I are swimming a bit. The person we choose *might* change our lives forever. The weight of the decision is making me lack clarity.

Choice 1: Age 27. Has one child of her own, donated twice. 1st DE cycle was a single pregnancy and the 2nd was a twin pregnancy. 11 and 10 eggs at retrieval respectively. (In Czech, they aim for 8-10 eggs at retrieval).

Extras: University educated in Psych. Theater was listed in her interests and MH and I both work in that profession.

Choice 2: Age 24. Donated once before- twin pregnancy. 10 mature eggs at ER.

Extras: Med student, speaks many languages- must be a smarty. Big plus. Athletic. She has some very interesting hobbies (not sure that matters so much, but scuba diving is cool in my book)

I love Choice 1 for her proven fertility. I am trying to find out how recent these successes are. I am glad she is university educated and that she shares our love of theater.

I love Choice 2 for her fertility (although not as proven as choice 1), her age (which I am sure is encouraging) and that, based on her profile, that she is likely quite smart, which is super.

I have NO IDEA, and I feel that I am not thinking so clearly. I will clearly take a few days to make this decision, but I fear the weight of the decision will not get lighter in the next days. Does anyone have any thoughts about these two choices. I know I cant go wrong here, but still...I could use some perspective from you who have had some experience choosing a donor.

If this seems to weird, I am sorry. I am a little frazzled and a bit fragile in this moment, so if you think this is too weird to ask, please be kind. Of all the people in the world, you all are the most qualified people to ask.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Bethany1026 · August 2012

that is a tough choice. I think if there was nothing else in play I would choose the younger of the two...plus the med school is and added bonus! GL with your decision!!

glueck · August 2012

Thanks so much for your input, Bethany!

Mitzi Bishi · August 2012

I have no experience in picking donor anything, so I can't even begin to fathom the heavy feeling of this choice, but something would make me also pick the younger one.

It doesn't sound like you can go wrong though. I'm so excited for you and I hope this holds the answers to your struggles.

glueck · August 2012

Thanks so much Mitzi!

Mrs.McIrish · August 2012

Do you get any family medical history? Do you get any pictures at all? That could help make a decision.

glueck · August 2012

No, we didnt get any medical history. I wrote the coordinator to make sure that everything is squeaky clean in their physical and mental health histories. No pictures either. One can tell a lot in a smile.

I asked the coordinator just now if one of them stood out to her as special in any way-exceptionally kind or smart. I also asked her which has the strongest resemblance to me.

If their status as proven donors were equal, I think I would choose donor 2 without blinking. She is younger, I love that she is a med student and has interesting hobbies and speaks a few languages (shows curiosity, I think), The one cycle she did was wonderfully successful.

Considering that donor 1 has a child and has had 2 successful cycles, it sways the balances to even. My goal, after all, is to have a child.

Without photos and essays to get to know the person, this is tough. I feel like i could close my eyes and point . I really love the *idea* of donor 2 and the fertility of donor 1. Ugh.

PrettyAccountant · August 2012

Oh wow this is a tough decision but it sounds like your heart is with donor 2 but your head is telling you donor 1 because of her proven history. Donor 2 has a proven history - just not as long. If I had to pick, I would have to go with donor 2 for no other reason than this is what my heart is telling me.

Good luck with your decision and the cycle.

glueck · August 2012

Thanks PrettyAccountant. You hit the nail squarely on the head. That is EXACTLY what I am feeling. Thanks so much for understanding and for weighing in. I appreciate it

mtlaurel · August 2012

It sounds like you're leaning towards # 2, and you're right that it sounds like you can't go wrong with either one. One thing that strikes me about #1, though, is that she has her own child. I think that speaks to motivation and commitment, as I imagine a 27-year old mother has a firmer grasp on exactly what donating means than a 24-year old student. But, what the donor's motivation to donate was is something that was very important to me, and may not be as important to you. Good luck.

glueck · August 2012

I definitely hear you about motivation, mtlaurel. That is precisely why we eliminated the 20 year old from our list. When I was 20, I never would have been able to grasp the enormity of the decision. I hadn't thought about donor 1's motherhood influencing her motivation for donation. Thanks so much for adding that piece to the puzzle. Its seriously food for thought that hadn't yet occurred to me.

Mrs.McIrish · August 2012

PrettyAccountant:
Oh wow this is a tough decision but it sounds like your heart is with donor 2 but your head is telling you donor 1 because of her proven history. Donor 2 has a proven history - just not as long. If I had to pick, I would have to go with donor 2 for no other reason than this is what my heart is telling me.
Good luck with your decision and the cycle.

I think I would pick #2 as well. She is proven and I honestly don't think it makes a huge difference between 1 success versus 2. She is 24 and I would not be worried about her being flaky if she is a med student. I love the med student idea. I want a smart donor!! GL! This is hard stuff.

reb259 · August 2012

I agree sounds like you prefer #2 and she sounds terrific! As far a proven vs not proven, I think it is a crap shoot. I am probably jaded since our first donor was proven and it didnt work and then de cycle 2 we used an donor who was not proven and I still didnt get ku'ed.

I can tell you once you do make a decision you will find a peace come over you and feel oddly connected to someone you have never met. At least I did!

Wishing you the best!

glueck · August 2012

Mc Irish- I am liking the med student idea too. I just see in my minds eye the words SMART and ADVENTUROUS flashing when I think of her. Thanks so much for casting your vote . VERY hard stuff. Ack. My head hurts. Its 3:40 am here, and I can't sleep a wink!

Reb- Whichever woman I choose here could possibly change my life forever if it actually works. I can believe what you say about the connection I will feel once I choose. This whole process is so other-worldly. Hah! I thought IVF was wacky, and now we are adding a 3rd party stranger into the equation! Thanks for your input Reb. I really appreciate it!