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March 2013 Moms
MNhorselvr
member
Future SIL has me losing sleep
MNhorselvr
member
I'm usually a lurker here and on the Oct '11 board, but I want to vent and figure you guys will understand best.
My husband & I tried for a year for our first baby, were told it would be difficult for us to get preg. Turns out we were actually preg when they told us that, we just didn't know yet at the time. We welcomed our DS last Oct!
We started trying again right away since we figured it would take a while if at all. My brother is getting married early March and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. We had told them it would depend on if I got preg or not. They asked again over the 4th of July and since we weren't preg I said yes. Found out 2 weeks later that I am preg and due shortly after the wedding.
We like to keep our families from knowing so early since so much can happen yet, so I haven't told any of my family (actually only one close friend knows). But I figured I better notify my future SIL to let her make any changes before the wedding plans are set in stone. I should also mention wedding is about a 4 hour drive for us and in Minnesota in early March.
Not a single "congrats" came out of her. Instead she has me somehow apologizing and feeling terrible that I messed up her wedding plans. She sounded frustrated and tired, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and texted her a couple days later that I ordered dress and would proceed to be in wedding if doc allows. Again I apologized several times (I don't know why) and get a response from her saying "lets just hope everything works out". My husband told me no more apologizing and I agree, this is something we had hoped for and this will affect much more than one wedding day in our lives. I tell the dress salesgirl so she helps me order a more appropriate size, I tell my doc's nurse when I made appt, I tell my friend - all of which beam and say "yay!" & "congrats!" and I cry because my SIL (whom I did LOVE) can't give me one good word.
Now I'm losing sleep over this since she has me so upset. I rarely see them since they live 4 hours away & I can't talk with my mom since we aren't telling fam until we have first ultrasound in 3-4 weeks. Do I confront SIL again and tell her how she has me feeling? I had always loved this girl, thought she was a perfect sister, but now I'm second thinking even being in the wedding due to her insensitivity.
Sorry so long! Just haven't had a chance to talk to anyone else but my husband about this and you know how men are! He just doesn't want me to talk to her and get more upset.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Future SIL has me losing sleep
This is just what I would do, but I would give it a few more days so that you can determine the level at which you are truly feeling (you have every right to be upset, but don't want to confront her if you are still feeling so heated about it). It might also give her a few days to think it through. Right now, she's in full bride mode, I'm sure, which means that everything is about her and how it affects her wedding. I would defintely talk to her once you know that it won't get escalated more than necessary and explain that this is a really important time for you and for you to feel like she is not only irritated, but making you feel like you did something wrong is really upsetting you. I think it's best to get things like this aired out otherwise, the risk is run that someone is going to hold a grudge.
This is just what I would do because I know when I'm still in the throws of a particular emotion, I tend to thrash out, so I've learned to give myself time.
Good luck and I hope that she's just had a rough week and everything works out.
IMO, I would give her a little time and see how things go. If she seems like herself the next time you talk to her, I'd let it go. Everyone gets wrapped up in their own lives, especially when are anticipating/planning a "big day." You probably just caught her flat-footed. Give her some time to bounce back. She was probably just a little disappointed, not that you are pg, but at the thought of you not being as involved or missing it altogether.
Good luck, and I'm sorry she hurt your feelings!!
I'd give it a little time, then write her a note explaining why her reaction and behavior has been so hurtful. Don't write it angry - just write it from a calm place, explaining why you're hurt, and be sure to include that part of why it hurts so much is that you love her dearly and really hoped she would share in your happiness over the little one you have so wished for. Remind her that you are still excited for her wedding and looking forward to it and to helping her with the planning. Definitely stop apologizing, though.
If she doesn't respond positively to that, then maybe it's time to reconsider your involvement in her wedding. Being a bridesmaid can be a lot of work depending on the bride, and this one sounds like she may have some Bridezilla-ish potential, so if she's not going to be supportive of you, there's no point in you running around doing a bunch of stuff to support her. I should note that I'm pretty intolerant of brides who react poorly to a bridesmaid's pregnancy, so I would probably be reading her the riot act right now. Kudos to you for making such an effort not to upset her; I doubt I would have your level of consideration in this situation.
I can sympathize from both sides... I understand it might not be fun to be in the wedding being so far along, but at my brother's wedding and my sister's wedding, they both had friends that wer 7-9 months pregnant. The dress people can order extra fabric as well so it can be tailored accordingly.
It's easy to forget how stressful it can be to plan a wedding - there is a lot of pressure riding on the biggest day of your life... Heck, I still look back and wish that so many things would have gone differently, then feel guilty because I don't look back at my wedding like a fiary tale that so many people look back on - it was great and fun but what I really wanted and what I really got out of it all was an amazing husband. It's easy to forget the REASON that you are getting married and about how it's not all about the WEDDING it's about the MARRIAGE...
Also, I'd asked my brother and sister-in-law to stand up in our wedding... 2 wks later they announced their pregnancy and my nephew was born just 3 weeks before my wedding - so they graciously declined... I was a bit sad that they couldn't share in the same way, but it all ended up being OK - I mean they had 3 kids to take care of during the time too...
Maybe just have a chat with FSIL - if she is as great of a girl as you think, she will get over herself. let her know you will do everything you can to help make her day everything she hopes it to be but also let her know that you felt that she maybe isn't as excited as you expected and you hope that she is ready to welcome a new niece/nephew into the world...
In the end it will all work out - it is easy to let emotions run high and easy to let things spiral out of control. Just try not to let it get to you and chat with her - she might realize she is being a bridezilla and snap back to reality... otherwise just smile like every other bridesmaid and ask how you can make things easier for her... She will probably realize how silly she is being... maybe... eventually...
Congrats by the way!
I am so sorry over how that is being handled by her! Hopefully she will wake up soon and realize what an unfeeling bridezilla she is being.
I "lost" a good friend to her wedding, too. I wasn't pregnant at the time or anything, but I was in her party and the way that she treated us all was just horrendous. I hope she wakes up before it comes to that.