NBR. 'not in class'...sorry it's long

stephanie6607 · August 2012

So my husband and I left for vacation last Thursday and arrived home yesterday. On wednesday I had texted his mom for a list of people to invite to the baby shower. All she said then was what changed your mind? I told her the girls I work with. His family left Friday for vacation [they were going where we were] I didn't want to bring it up on vacation because I figured who wants to be bothered with stuff like that when they're away from home trying to enjoy their vacation.

My mom told me there were papers on the table about the places she was looking at. So I told my husband to remind his mom about the list. and he texted her and said we needed the list by today because we have a limit of 50 people and we're close to the limit.

she replied back stating that she had no one to invite because she didn't get to invite anyone to the wedding so no one is going to come to the shower. he said you couldn't have just told us that before? and named the few people she would invite. [family and close friends] she said we could mentioned it to her on vacation and that she couldn't believe we had the nerve to ask her for a list and told us we need to grow up. he responded with 'you need to get off your high horse and grow up' she responded with 'did your wife tell you to say that?? that's no way to talk to your mother. [in caps like this] THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MARRY OUTSIDE OF YOUR CLASS!!!!!

His family has never accepted me into their family. They always blame me for everything. Now i know the real reason why. I'm not 'in their class' they aren't in a different class then my family. We live in the same town, they don't live any different then I do. His sister said that my cousins had no class before. They just think they're it and a bag of potato chips and buy expensive things to fit in with other people. His older sister is a lawyer and her husband is a engineer, so they live wealthy in a community. I swear his mom and younger sister try to compete with her because she has nice things & they can't afford what she has. [they really can't afford much at all, which is why i don't see how they're better then me and my family. not being rude,just stating a fact. they spend money they don't have.]

stephanie6607 · August 2012

No I'm not throwing my own shower, my mom is. My mom wasn't sure where to have it so she wanted my opinion on the places. I was just getting the guest list from my MIL.

MIL [or anyone else in husbands family] doesn't show any interest in anything that involves me. No one in my husbands family had contacted me to see how I've been doing during my pregnancy and I'm in my 17th week, and when he stated how that hurt my feelings, they just said I was being selfish and they can't meet my 'needs' All I was asking for was a text once in a while to see how I'm doing to show that they care.

So now because of that, this is happening and I'm considered rude. MIL Was pretty much stating [in my opinion], because I'm not as 'proper' as they are, I don't fit in & my husband could have done better.

dande2129 · August 2012

MandJS:
I'm not even sure where to start because the wall of text is a bit hard to get through. But. If your MIL doesn't want to invite anyone, then no big deal. I personally think it's weird when people a guest of honor doesn't really know are invited and expected to buy gifts for someone, anyway. Also - are you throwing your own shower? Because if so, I'm with your MIL and would distance myself from it as much as possible. And of everything you said... I don't think class has anything to do with it. Just your demeanor here is kind of entitled and bratty. But maybe I'm misreading... Can you clarify, please?

All of this. I really don't understand the problem other than what is outlined in caps. Something about MIL pouting about not being "allowed" to invite anyone...? Then your H told her to get off her high horse (and I'm still not even sure why he would say that?) to which she implied you were of lower class than he?

dande2129 · August 2012

stephanie6607:
No I'm not throwing my own shower, my mom is. My mom wasn't sure where to have it so she wanted my opinion on the places. I was just getting the guest list from my MIL.
MIL [or anyone else in husbands family] doesn't show any interest in anything that involves me. No one in my husbands family had contacted me to see how I've been doing during my pregnancy and I'm in my 17th week, and when he stated how that hurt my feelings, they just said I was being selfish and they can't meet my 'needs' All I was asking for was a text once in a while to see how I'm doing to show that they care.
So now because of that, this is happening and I'm considered rude. MIL Was pretty much stating [in my opinion], because I'm not as 'proper' as they are, I don't fit in & my husband could have done better.

It's obvious that your MIL (and perhaps his whole family) is rude, so maybe it's time to be an adult and accept the fact that they aren't the in-laws that you had hoped for. Your H is nice enough to stick up for you when a lot of Hs don't want to deal with the drama, but it sounds like the two of you, for the sake of your own feelings, need to create boundaries and distance yourselves.

stephanie6607 · August 2012

We never told his mom she couldn't invite anyone. My mom wanted a list of people from her to invite, she just said that she has no one to invite. & the fact that we asked her for a list was rude.

I don't know why my husband said that either, I didn't tell him to say anything. He probably said it because she told us to grow up, so he told her to grow up.

Yeah, and because he said that, that makes me lower class then him and his family. [when it had nothing to do with me, I didn't tell him to say anything. his family thinks I told him to say that]

rachann28 · August 2012

wow. Thats very intense! Regardless of if you're planning your own baby shower or not, I don't think its appropriate at all for your MIL to say that. At least you wanted to include her, but she has to make it more dramatic than necessary. I'd totally quit worrying about her, and focus on having a good baby shower and the birth of your sweet new little one! BUT one more thing, WHO STILL REALLY CARES ABOUT CLASSES? Thats slightly disgusting...it's 2012, goodness!

dande2129 · August 2012

MandJS:

WHO CARES what your ILs think? Not everyone has a fairy tale life. And in fact, most fairy tales come with a wicked step mother. Also. Your pregnancy will NEVER be as important to anyone else as it is to you. True story. Some people are lovey dovey. Others aren't. You are not the center of your IL's universe, nor should you be. There is no reason your ILs should be required to text or call you. If you want to update them, reach out to them.

And all of this as well.

stephanie6607 · August 2012

MandJS:
stephanie6607:
No I'm not throwing my own shower, my mom is. My mom wasn't sure where to have it so she wanted my opinion on the places. I was just getting the guest list from my MIL.
MIL [or anyone else in husbands family] doesn't show any interest in anything that involves me. No one in my husbands family had contacted me to see how I've been doing during my pregnancy and I'm in my 17th week, and when he stated how that hurt my feelings, they just said I was being selfish and they can't meet my 'needs' All I was asking for was a text once in a while to see how I'm doing to show that they care.
So now because of that, this is happening and I'm considered rude. MIL Was pretty much stating [in my opinion], because I'm not as 'proper' as they are, I don't fit in & my husband could have done better.
WHO CARES what your ILs think? Not everyone has a fairy tale life. And in fact, most fairy tales come with a wicked step mother. Also. Your pregnancy will NEVER be as important to anyone else as it is to you. True story. Some people are lovey dovey. Others aren't. You are not the center of your IL's universe, nor should you be. There is no reason your ILs should be required to text or call you. If you want to update them, reach out to them.

I never said that it was required for them to text or call me. If I'm suppose to be apart of their 'family' then I think it's common courtesy to ask how I'm doing. I do update them every time I go to the doctors, but I'm just tired of always being the one who has to make the effort. I'm trying to include them in this, because that's what they want. But I have to make all the efforts for everything, while they sit around and make none.

myskyegirl · August 2012

stephanie6607:
MandJS:
stephanie6607:
No I'm not throwing my own shower, my mom is. My mom wasn't sure where to have it so she wanted my opinion on the places. I was just getting the guest list from my MIL.
MIL [or anyone else in husbands family] doesn't show any interest in anything that involves me. No one in my husbands family had contacted me to see how I've been doing during my pregnancy and I'm in my 17th week, and when he stated how that hurt my feelings, they just said I was being selfish and they can't meet my 'needs' All I was asking for was a text once in a while to see how I'm doing to show that they care.
So now because of that, this is happening and I'm considered rude. MIL Was pretty much stating [in my opinion], because I'm not as 'proper' as they are, I don't fit in & my husband could have done better.
WHO CARES what your ILs think? Not everyone has a fairy tale life. And in fact, most fairy tales come with a wicked step mother. Also. Your pregnancy will NEVER be as important to anyone else as it is to you. True story. Some people are lovey dovey. Others aren't. You are not the center of your IL's universe, nor should you be. There is no reason your ILs should be required to text or call you. If you want to update them, reach out to them.
I never said that it was required for them to text or call me. If I'm suppose to be apart of their 'family' then I think it's common courtesy to ask how I'm doing. I do update them every time I go to the doctors, but I'm just tired of always being the one who has to make the effort. I'm trying to include them in this, because that's what they want. But I have to make all the efforts for everything, while they sit around and make none.

Then just leave it be. Stop updating them, stop walking around eggshells around them, stop trying to change their feelings about you and the baby, they won't change. The people that are most important in your life are the ones who do care, so focus your energy on them. It seems to me that god himself could come down and speak though you and your ILS would care less.

You married and are carrying your HUSBAND'S child, not your MIL, SIL, BIL, etc, so who give a flying F about what they have to say, think, or feel.

I personally wouldn't even invite them to the shower, they want to act like their Holier Than Thou, then tell them the shower is for your immediate family and friends only and their drama isn't wanted or needed.

dande2129 · August 2012

stephanie6607:
We never told his mom she couldn't invite anyone. My mom wanted a list of people from her to invite, she just said that she has no one to invite. & the fact that we asked her for a list was rude.

I don't know why my husband said that either, I didn't tell him to say anything. He probably said it because she told us to grow up, so he told her to grow up.

Yeah, and because he said that, that makes me lower class then him and his family. [when it had nothing to do with me, I didn't tell him to say anything. his family thinks I told him to say that]

Pull up your big girl panties and tell MIL yourself that while you didn't tell your H to say that, you're surprised that she would mention class and you're sorry that she feels you are beneath her. However, you are an adult, you are carrying your husband's child and you and H ultimately make the decision of who your child is going to be visiting with, and how much involvement people will have in his/her life. Remind her, don't threaten, that if she wants to continue to behave this way, that's her prerogative but you won't be willing to be subject to her dramatic outbursts and immaturity.

Also, I think that she was partially correct when she said H needed to grow up. And so do you. Stop caring about your in-laws think so much. Live your life. From your other posts in this thread, I think the thing that upsets you the most if that they are NOT up your ass about your pregnancy, and that they don't constantly jump all over you about how you're doing/feeling/thinking/wearing/eating. But that's life. Like a PP said, no one will care about your pregnancy as much as you do. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt when you don't feel like the center of the universe, but a lot of people are most standoffish to the entire thing, and you have to either get over that, or voice how you're feeling as an adult, not a bratty nine year old.

honeybee72 · August 2012

stephanie6607:
MandJS:
WHO CARES what your ILs think? Not everyone has a fairy tale life. And in fact, most fairy tales come with a wicked step mother. Also. Your pregnancy will NEVER be as important to anyone else as it is to you. True story. Some people are lovey dovey. Others aren't. You are not the center of your IL's universe, nor should you be. There is no reason your ILs should be required to text or call you. If you want to update them, reach out to them.

I never said that it was required for them to text or call me. If I'm suppose to be apart of their 'family' then I think it's common courtesy to ask how I'm doing. I do update them every time I go to the doctors, but I'm just tired of always being the one who has to make the effort. I'm trying to include them in this, because that's what they want. But I have to make all the efforts for everything, while they sit around and make none.

Here, let me try...

What she's saying is that either (1) they DON'T consider you a part of their family or (2) they aren't the kind of people who will reach out on their own to ask about you.

If you want to update them, that's fine, but don't expect them to be any different than they have shown themselves to be to this point. I'm sure it hurts, but at the end of the day, as long as your H has made it clear to them that YOU and this baby are his priority and not them (and it sounds like he has done that), you're doing ok. You can't force people to like you, no matter how they may be related to you or your H.

FloridaLady · August 2012

stephanie6607:
I never said that it was required for them to text or call me. If I'm suppose to be apart of their 'family' then I think it's common courtesy to ask how I'm doing. I do update them every time I go to the doctors, but I'm just tired of always being the one who has to make the effort. I'm trying to include them in this, because that's what they want. But I have to make all the efforts for everything, while they sit around and make none.

I don't get calls or texts from anybody but one friend that I never get to see, who loves all things baby and pregnancy. My own mama doesn't call or text me and we're super close. Like MandJS said, nobody cares about our pregnancies as much as we do - even those who are closest to us; most people are wrapped up in their own lives and don't think to check in with us to see how we're feeling or what the baby's been up to and that's perfectly fine.

And, for the record, if they truly want to be included in this like you said, they will eventually reach out to you if they think they haven't heard from you in a while. If you want to update them regularly, then continue to be the one who makes the effort. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy your pregnancy -- it's yours to go through with your husband and nobody else's. If and when anybody else really wants an update, trust me, they'll ask for it.

MelissaRae1525 · August 2012

It doesn't sound like it's family you want to be involved in from all the negative things you said about them, so just let it go. And no one in my or my SO's family texts or calls me to ask me how I'm doing, not even my own mother. The only one who asks is my grandma when I call her. People really don't care if you had m/s today or couldn't poop or whatever, that's why we have the bump.

choppinbroccoli22 · August 2012

Your husband incited her backlash with his insolent comment. She's right, you don't talk to your mother that way, and I wouldn't have married someone who treated his mother that way even if she was acting childish.

atalerico · August 2012

You're MIL sounds a lot like my Step-MIL and I feel for you. I have learned that when she says things like that, it's a hook to pull you into more drama. Thankfully you have a husband who, like mine, is supportive of you and will defend you. That's all you need to worry about.

If you need to make a decision on guest list before they get back from vacation, then I'd say just leave it. If it can wait, then try contacting them once they've returned. Ask if there's anyone they'd like to include, because you want them to be able to share in this happy time with you. Then leave it at that. You won't change you're MIL or you're other IL's and it's hard, but you'll have to learn to accept it.

Good luck!

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