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February 2012 Moms
mamatobe2012
member
DH Vent/? (kinda long)
mamatobe2012
member
Ok so I was EBF the first 16 weeks so I guess it made sense that I should get up with DS in the middle of the night (plus I was maternity leave). Ok well I started work about 6 weeks ago and have been FF 100% for about 2 - 3 weeks. DH still doesn't get up with him saying that I'm making him regress from when we sleep trained him at 10 weeks (to sleep in his crib not STTN).
For the past couple of days he's been waking up more than once, usually 3 times a night. He used to only wake up 1 at 3am for a feeding. Since he turned four months it varies but especially this past week he's been waking up a lot. Guess who's getting up with him even though I have an 8 to 5 job and DH works for himself. Also, he said basically its my own fault since I go in and coddle him when he cries. I let him cry for a few minutes but if he doesn't fall back asleep I go in and give him a 4 oz bottle. Which he drinks quickly and all of it making me think he is hungry!!!!
This morning DH gets him out of the crib (which I usually do) and doesn't even change his diaper. When I come in the bedroom I mentioned the diaper wasn't changed and he checked it and said it's chili (referring to poop) and I said ok well go change it, I change it every morning. Which he replied that he's watchign DS all day today (since our daycare is closed) so I should change it (after I woke up with DS 3 times last night and always change his morning diaper). Also note, DH has never watched DS for more than maybe 2 hours by himself! He also always says to me that I should wake up with DS b/c most women don't even have husbands that do as much as he does with DS. Granted on the weekends he really dotes on him and will sing him to sleep etc. I guess I get it but damn why do I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick?
Ok this was mostly venting I just wanted to hear if your DHs get up with the baby in the middle of the night, and if I'm being moody over this b/c I'm sleep deprived!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH Vent/? (kinda long)
I just read this out loud to my husband, and he laughed. Why on earth is your husband being so petty about a single diaper? And how can anyone think it's coddling a baby to get up and feed him in the middle of the night? That's what babies do - they wake up, they get hungry, and they cry, so as responsible parents, we must respond to that. The kid is only half a year old - just a baby. If you were still doing this when he was 12, then I'd think that you were a little nuts.
I don't have any advice on how to fix the situation, besides telling your husband straight out that you don't feel like the division of labor is fair, but I thought I should tell you that you're not just being moody.
Melodic Insomniac
I don't think your being moody at all. We switch nights. One night him, one night me. We typically help the other get the bottle ready, grab the bink, bunnies etc but you need sleep. It shouldn't fall on just you.
Even when I was BFing, DH would change DD and then help me out. Once we got past that stage, every other night would be BM from a bottle. Sleep is important! You are not moody!
Nope, you're not being moody. It's definitely normal for you to expect some assistance in raising your child. I EBF, so it's really difficult for me to complain about DH not taking care of him when he wakes at night. I'm also a SAHM, so most of the responsibility naturally falls on my shoulders.
But it is very normal to expect some kind of assistance, because when you think about it you're obviously not the only parent around so he should help too.
But I bet anything if you were to mention it to him, he'd call you a nag or something.
Men just don't get it.... seriously.
You could try to talk to him nicely about it, maybe sort out some kind of plan to change shifts. Say he wakes up to feed him, then next time you wake up to feed him? If you're both working parents you both need to share the responsibility equally!
Yea b/c I EBF, 90% of the time, I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night. However she only wakes up once (b/c she's hungry).
There are random nights when she'll wake up more than once (after I already fed her... so I know it doesn't have to be me that gets her) and DH has gotten up a few times for those moments. Usually I'll just play dumb and pretend I'm sleeping when we hear her on the monitor and he will get up after 5 minutes (hehehe).
I'm a BFing SAHM and 99% of the time DH gets DD in the middle of the night. Usually he just gets up and brings her to me. If he has to get up real early the next day for work, I get her in the middle of the night.
He probably changes one diaper a day on average. Sometimes it just so happens that I change all the diapers that day. If I'm like "Hey she needs a new diaper and I'm doing XYZ", he'll do it. He doesn't think she needs to be changed as often as I do. There's many times that she needs a new diaper and he never noticed. It's just not high on his priority list, he's usually playing with her.
I think you have a right to be upset. It doesn't matter what other parents do. You need to find something that works for the both of you and doesn't make either of you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick.
September's idea of switching nights is a good one. If you have a schedule then there will be none of the middle of the night "it's your turn, no it's YOUR turn!".
And for him saying that you're lucky because he does more then other husbands - my H gets up with the girls every weeknight and feeds both of them for the one bottle they take in the middle of the night. One gets up, he feeds her, then he gets the other up and feeds her. I do the 75 minute commute to get them to my mom's and I get them ready in the morning so he figures it's fair if he gets up since he can sleep 2 hours later. You need sleep just like he does! We have two so it's easier to split nighttime stuff, but he feeds them both their solids while I wash dishes and get bottles ready, then I wash them and hand them off to him to dress them, and then we each do a bottle for one of them.
Your H shouldn't be expecting praise because he does a little, he should be doing half of the work because it's his kid too and you both work.
Most women don't have husbands that do as much as he does!? My DH would get a swift kick in the shin for saying something that like. And it really doesn't sound like your DH is even doing much. My husband doesn't get up at night with DS mostly because he sleeps more soundly than me and doesn't hear him so it's just easier for me to do it. Although DS doesn't wake up in the middle of the night often.
But DH does do his fair amount of diaper changes and other household chores to make up for it. The fact that there are women who have husbands that do less than him is NOT an excuse for him to not do anything.
BFP 3.8.16 EDD 11.20.16
When LO was still waking up in the middle of the night, DH woke up for every single feeding unless I told him to stay down and would change her and bring her to me. This last week when she's been sick and waking up in the middle of the night and needed to be in a hot steamy room, he handled it half the time.
He gets up with her most mornings (when she doesn't sleep through our showers) and changes her, then I generally feed her, then he takes her downstairs while he eats breakfast and I shower and get ready. Basically, he does mornings, because I get off work earlier and have less of a commute, so I pick her up from daycare and have her to myself from about 6 to usually 6:30 or 7. Generally when he gets home from work he needs about 10-15 minutes of downtime to change, get a cold soda, or sit down for a sec and then he's all "Gimme mah baybee!" and takes her from me for a while for dancing, reading, changing, and general hooliganism. He participates in all bathing/feeding/changing after that, usually about 50/50.
Weekends are also 50/50. I would say that subtracting the first oh, month and a half (when LO was solely BF and I was still out of work) we are very equal in amount of time we are on our own with her. He doesn't 'watch her for me'. He's her parent. He parents her.
The reason most women have husbands who do even less than your DH is they keep, for some reason unknown to me, having babies with men who they allow to behave this way.