Don't want LO using my first name

Louisa1000 · July 2012

I've been in SKs' lives for about three years, DH and I were recently married, and are now pregnant. The kids have been using my first name, of course, but I'm concerned the LO will follow suit instead of calling me mom if nobody in the house refers to me that way. I don't feel comfortable telling SKs they now have to call me mom suddenly. But I also want them to feel like they are part of this new family-- they aren't a side project of our new family, nor am I (and future LO) a side project of their old family. Sometimes I feel that way when they refer to it as "L's baby", but I think they just don't know what else they would call him/her. Is this a valid concern? Have any of you navigated this before?

kllrbnny · July 2012

It is absolutely a valid concern. I think it is an unnecessary one though. How old are your SKs? Have you ever asked them what they want to call you? If they want to call you mom (or some version thereof) would you be ok with that?

Telling them they now need to call you mom is not the way to go as your instincts told you. I think that once the baby is around they will naturally refer to you as mommy when talking to the baby. Just like your husband will. Just like you will. If they don't do this then it is ok to say something to them as long as you are making it clear what it is you are asking.

kristen0393 · July 2012

kllrbnny:

I think that once the baby is around they will naturally refer to you as mommy when talking to the baby. Just like your husband will. Just like you will.

This is true. SS calls me by my first name but when he is talking to DS he calls me Mommy, so does DH. Heck, I call myself Mommy when I'm talking to DS. I would not suggest that your SKs call you "Mom" unless they suggest it and then maybe it is worth discussing with your DH.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Your LO will call you Mom. It will happen. This seems to be a concern that so many SM's have, but it works out. My parents call me by my first name, but neither of my children ever waivered from "mommy". I call my sister by her first name and her kids still call her "mommy". Your SK's will refer to you as "mommy" when talking to the baby but call you by your first name when talking directly to you, and the baby won't think twice about it. There will end up being a couple questions later on about why they call you by your name, and that's a very easy answer.

blush64 · July 2012

Your baby will know who you are no matter what your step-kids call you. Your baby won't call you by your first name unless he/she is raised to do so. There may come a time when your LO will call you by your first name to test it out because that can happen no matter what. EDIT Sometimes when kids start to get older they may do that a couple times to test your reaction and also when they realie you are mom but you are also your name.

This baby won't need to see other children call you mom to realize you are his or her mom. My first son only heard others call me by my name but he figured it out and so does every other baby.

I would let the step-kids continue to call you what makes them comfortable. There is no need to change that because the new baby is coming. I assume they have a mom already.

kllrbnny · July 2012

blush64:

I would let the step-kids continue to call you what makes them comfortable. There is no need to change that because the new baby is coming. I assume they have a mom already.

Which doesn't completely exclude them from calling their SM "mom" if that is what they want. It shouldn't ever be forced but it shouldn't be denied either.

blush64 · July 2012

kllrbnny:
blush64:

I would let the step-kids continue to call you what makes them comfortable. There is no need to change that because the new baby is coming. I assume they have a mom already.

Which doesn't completely exclude them from calling their SM "mom" if that is what they want. It shouldn't ever be forced but it shouldn't be denied either.

No, but if they have a mom who they call mom and they know step-mom as her name, it could be confusing and unfair for them to suddenly have to call step-mom mom. (when it would be only to make sure that her LO also says mom) I know OP isn't trying to do that, but it would be wrong.

I think the question of whether or not it should be allowed should be up to the parents of the children. I do not agree that it should never be denied but I do think it should never be forced. EDIT

EDIT OP, as I mentioned before, I think you'll be fine. Your baby will know who you are and will call you whatever you raise him or her to call you. Try not to worry.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

Does everyone else in your life have to stop using your first name so your baby can learn to call you Mom? You get the idea. First born kids learn to call their parents Mom and Dad without another child teaching them and so will your kid. As for L's baby, I would work in ways to change that thinking by you referring to the baby as their baby brother or sister.

jnjmommy0609 · July 2012

I honestly think you will be fine. Your kid will grow up calling you mom. You are the very first person your baby will connect with. I think the only thing you really have to deal with is your LO eventually asking why the other kids don't call you mom.

Louisa1000 · July 2012

Thanks, all. I guess I didn't consider the fact that every first born is in essentially the same situation. The SKs will probably mimic us in how we talk to the baby. If they choose to extend the use of "mom" past when they're talking to LO, I guess I'm okay with it. I like the idea of constantly referring to the baby as "your little brother/sister". That definitely implies family unity.

emikat · July 2012

You will be fine. I'm sure your LO will not have any trouble calling you mom. Personally, I don't believe kids should use adult's first names. I think it's a respect thing. My SS calls me Mommy (first initial). That was his choice. Sometimes he just calls me mom, again his choice. If he ever in the future feels uncomfortable with it, we will choose a different nickname. Personally, it doesn't sit well with me to have a child I'm raising call me by my first name. Flame away if you want.

Louisa1000 · July 2012

I kind of secretly feel this way too, about the respect, but don't really have a solution for it. SKs are 10 and 13. When we were dating it wouldn't have been appropriate for them to call me anything but my first name, it seemed, so they have years of conditioning. Even if we tried to come up with a new nick-name together, I don't think it would stick at this point.

twister22 · July 2012

Your SK's are older and to them, you are your first name. Your LO will know to call you mom as you will refer to yourself as mom, your DH will refer to you as mom, and your SK's may even refer to you as mom when they are referencing you to your LO. I would definitely not force a name change, or even bring it up. These kids already have a mom, and you will certainly rock the boat big time if you suggest they call you mom or a variation.

Flame away anyone else - I don't think it's right for SK's to call their SM "mom" unless they WANT to, and they do not feel manipulated into doing so.

sucredee · July 2012

We are raising DH's nieces (for the past 3 years) and they call my by my first name. When we met for the first time in 2003 DH and I were dating so it would've been silly for them to call me aunt. They will refer to me as their aunt to others but not to me directly if that makes sense. DD is just over 2 and has no problem calling me mom even though at this age she doesn't get the relationship between myself and the nieces (and the fact that they are her cousins and not her sisters). The nieces are 13 and soon to be 18 so I am sure that helps as well. I would think that it might not even be anything to worry about until your LO would be old enough to understand why the SK would not refer to you as mom.

angelamaster1986 · August 2012

I think your new LO will be fine as all the people say. Communicate with your SK about what they call you if you are thinking of switching it up. Allow them to make their own decisions but let them know they have the option.

DH and I raised SS to call me by 3 names so when he understands he can choose his own path. Mom, Mama-(1stname) and (1st name). He hasnt settled on one yet but he only uses my 1st name when talking to his mom and when I am not listening to him because I didnt hear him.

lax15bsu · August 2012

Really, I wouldn't worry about it. LO will still call you mommy, no matter if your skids call you by your first name. My 12yo SS calls me Jen. But it kind of gave me a jolt the other weekend when I heard him tell DS "take that to Mommy."

I know he wasn't calling me Mommy for himself - he was saying it for DS. Kids are smart. They know you are SM to them, but BM to their new little bro/sis.

Littlejen22 · August 2012

Louisa1000:
Thanks, all. I guess I didn't consider the fact that every first born is in essentially the same situation. The SKs will probably mimic us in how we talk to the baby. If they choose to extend the use of "mom" past when they're talking to LO, I guess I'm okay with it. I like the idea of constantly referring to the baby as "your little brother/sister". That definitely implies family unity.

Just one more thing, be very careful about the thoughts of them calling you Mom. How is your relationship with their Mom, how involved are you in their lives, how would your DH feel if they call someone else Dad (and if they already do and it bothers your DH then do the right thing and treat it as you want it treated) and if you and DH split tomorrow would you be on with his new wife being called Mom?

Nesaea2012 · August 2012

I have this fear as well. My 5 year old SD (who we have 50/50 and I watch her during the week while her parents are at work) calls me by my first name.

When she speaks to my DS she refers to me as my first name. DH doesn't like it and told her to call me 'step mommy'. I immediately said no way. I am not comfortable with that as I would not wants DS to call someone else mommy if the tables were turned.

So I have been working with her and telling her that when she talks to Ds about me, she needs to say 'your mommy'.

For example, instead of her asking DS, are you having fun with FIRST NAME, she needs to say, are you having fun with your mommy. (she asks DS this all the time when I make him laugh)

It's hard for SD because she didn't realize that I am a mommy. She just sees me as me. She has been doing better, but she's 5 and I can only expect so much.

When people talk to your child about you, they refer to you as mommy. But if your SK refers to you as your first name to your child, then that's where the fear comes from.

I know with my little sister, we have different dads, she called my dad daddy and her father by his first name until she was 3. It would make me so sad if my DS did that.

But like I said, I'm working on it with SD and I'm sure it'll all be okay in the end.

Don't want LO using my first name

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