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Adoption
jackieo1309
member
Need advice and resources for family (long)
jackieo1309
member
in Adoption
I know I've posted a few times about my IL's and their reaction to the news we were adopting. Long story short, MIL's reaction involved "Why don't you just do IVF?", "Don't you want to try longer for one of your own?", and "Adopted kids usually have a lot of problems". We thought this would get better as they got more used to the idea and a little more educated. It's now 4 months later and, if anything, it's worse. Neither of them ever ask any questions about the process and are silent whenever we bring it up. Even if we're in a room with other family members who are asking how things are going, MIL is silent. She usually won't say anything if I start talking about our homestudy or adoption-related stuff when we're alone, and often tries to change the subject. I knew they probably wouldn't be excited at first, but I really had thought that they would have gotten used to the idea by now. It just hurts that they aren't at all interested in learning about the process or even asking us how things are going. Every time we see them (a few times per week) they'll ask about work, my out-of-state family, etc., but NEVER about how this process is going for us. I would never expect distant family or friends to understand, but how, as future grandparents of this baby, do you not understand that this is the biggest thing going on in our life right now?
I've always been really close with my MIL and hoped that she would be involved in the preparations for a baby, bio or adopted. We plan on preparing the nursery and everything while we are waiting and I want her to be involved in that. I had a little meltdown to DH last week so he tried to talk to them today but MIL acted like she didn't know what he was talking about. DH thinks she just really has no idea what we're even doing and that she thinks that it's better to just not bring it up, like she's almost embarrassed by it. FIL is always researching everything (he's that person who reads travel books from cover to cover) so DH thinks we should maybe send him some links to read, to at least start getting him used to the idea. I've thought about loaning them our copy of Adoption for Dummies, but I don't get the sense that they are even interested enough to read it. So does anyone have any good websites with info on the adoption process and how families can be supportive? Or anything like that? Anyone have family react like this (or NOT react, actually)? It just seems that questions come so naturally from other family members because they are actually interested in the process and concerned about us and how we're doing. We just don't really know what else to do. Sorry this is so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice and resources for family (long)
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I am going to play devil's advocate, and you can just ignore me if I"m wrong. But they may still be in the process of grieving the loss of a potential bio grandchild. They may be in some sort of denial phase where they just figure they'll "deal with it" later. They may also have no idea what to ask. Should they say anything? If so, what? If they ask too much, will it be annoying to you? Where do they start with questions? Etc. They may feel they're going to look ignorant (in a bad way) if they ask basic questions that they think they should know the answer to.
As for resources, we did give our parents each a copy of Adoption for Dummies. There's also a book called In On It, which speaks specifically to families of those adopting.
It may also be a matter of a come to Jesus talk about it, so to speak. Really letting them know that you're excited, you want them to be excited, you know they probably have questions and fears, and you're happy to talk to them about it and answer any questions or concerns they have.
Hopefully all this will melt away when your child comes to you, and they'll feel silly for being weird about this all along.
I know I still got weird and ignorant questions from my mom along the way. I still remember buying a onesie for a future baby and my mom asked, "What if you get a 10-year-old?" Um, Mom, we're doing domestic infant adoption.
Sorry to hear your MIL isn't being as supportive as you would like. My MIL doesn't ask many questions either and actually told my my mom that she didn't think her son wanted to adopt after we had already completed our homestudy. I guess she doesn't know her son that well. When we asked her to help us network, she refused, but did provide us with the name of a lawyer in Utah, even though she knew we already had a lawyer. After meeting the BP, she has yet to ask us about it. I would not consider myself close with her, so her reactions don't really bother me. We got In On It for family and friends as well. It may help explain the process better to them and get them more excited about it for you. GL.
I'm so sorry that your in-laws are reacting that way. As PP said it may be that they are still getting used to the idea, or don't understand it, but it still hurts. We haven't told my DH's side of the family yet as I anticipate a similar reaction from them. When it has come up in the past they were very much of the "don't give up" and "you have plenty of time" school of thought. I know they would prefer that we move heaven and earth to have more biological children and don't understand the emotional and physical toll that that takes on people.
(( Hugs )) I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this, especially since you are close with your MIL. You could say something like "You know, it's really been hurting my feelings lately because I feel like you and Dad aren't excited or interested in our adoption plans - is that accurate, or are you just trying to respect our privacy? We are always here if you have any questions and we really want you to be involved in preparing for your new grandchild." If she still acts the same way there is really nothing you can do, and at least you've done all you reasonably can.
FWIW I've heard some people say that formerly unsupportive family members have become wonderful supporters once the baby is actually there.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.... you sound frustrated. You are in a good place w/your future but she just isn't there yet.
A couple of thoughts... it sounds like she really loves you and wants the best for you. Although naive and uninformed, her concerns are about protecting you. Keep that in mind when you are feeling hurt. She doesn't want to see the two of you get hurt.
I am a firm believer (though I don't always heed my advice), simple words and direct conversation can heal some of the misunderstanding. How would it be if you checked your own disappointment at the door and were blunt in your ask "Hey, MIL... I know you are concerned about the adoption process and us getting hurt... I get that... but we are moving ahead and I really really want you to be part of the fun things like putting together a nursery and shopping for our baby". A comment like that acknowledges her feelings and asks her to focus on the positive. Just an idea....
I have to also ask..... are you adopting transracially? Or have you spoken about open adoptions?? Both are really scary things to people if they haven't been exposed to stories before.
RE: resources... if open adoption is a concern at all, read and refer FIL to The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, PhD. As for MIL, does she read blogs at all... you may just want to suggest her follow some upbeat blogs about normal family life in an adoptive family so she can see that we all still celebrate Christmas and decorate for Halloween... lol
FWIW- My SIL said "Are you sure you want to adopt... all the kids are drug babies and then you'll have huge problems on your hand". Ugh!!! Now that we are a family of four, she adores her neices and never discussed drug exposure again.
I very occasionally lurk but wanted to jump in.
We started our process about 2.5 years into our marriage. I was 26. I have major physiologic reasons that will never go away and knew at 23 I would never have bio children so it was not me being impatient. My grandparents said it "wasn't nice" to adopt. (language barrier...they meant that it was something older people did or people who tried longer or whatever.)
I was so angry but....the minute they saw my daughter they fell in love with her. It was WRONG of them to comment as they did, but I realized that they were very ignorant about adoption because culturally people didnt adopt where they came from and especially from their generation. (rural Italy).
My parents, who live and breathe for my child still think stupid things. Like, we have an open adoption that they just get totally weird and silent about when we talk about my daufhter's birthmom. Even after many conversations I asked my mom what ER deal was and she said "I know you have to deal with this girl and the pressure that she might want your DD back.". FFS....so as silly as that was to ME because I live his and I know our BM, I have to realize that all my mom has ever heard before our situation are sensationalized news stories.
So....have a chat with her. Tell her that to make your wait better you NEED to be able to talk about it. Our wait was super short, but I would say things like "at Chriatmas when we have a baby..." and my parents would side eye each other like I was a mental case. I had to explain that I really needed to have little goals like that to keep me going and that I was not crazy and I knew what our possible wait time would be, but it helped ME to think really positively.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I hope this helps. I don't know her and maybe she is just being awful, but of she has been great so far, I bet she has something that's keeping her from being excited and you guys can help change that. Maybe she doesn't want to get her hopes up too soon and is worried about a long wait time?