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"I don't like my friend!!!"

SortaCrunchySortaCrunchy member
in Pre-School and Daycare

Lately, DS has taken to yelling at people when he doesn't get his way.  A pretty common thing is for him to yell "I don't like [my friend]!" when he gets upset with that person.  I've been trying to help him find more appropriate words to describe his emotions, but in the meanwhile, I'm at a loss on how to handle this behavior, especially if that kid happens to be visiting our house.

Here's a scenario from a recent get together: 

[other kid does something minor to upset DS]
DS:  I don't like you!  Go home NOW!!!
[other kid looks up and says nothing]
Me:  That's very mean, and I'm sure it hurts your friend's feelings.  I think you do like him and what you mean is that you're very angry with him right now.
DS:  No!  I don't like him!  I want him to go!  Tell him to go home!  I DON'T LIKE MY FRIEND!!!
Me:  Well, if you don't like him right now, you should go away from him.  Come on, we need to go to your sister's room until you calm down.
[DS throws huge tantrum and screams about how much he dislikes his friend the whole way to his time out.  Friend and friend's mom look rather bewildered.]

Any suggestions on a better way to deal with this?  When we're somewhere other than home, it's usually easy enough to end the playdate and drag DS home if he can't calm down quickly.  However, I really struggle with what to do when the other kid happens to be at our place...?

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Re: "I don't like my friend!!!"

  • kmhunt11kmhunt11 member
    I have similar problems with DD.  She pulls out the "You're not my friend anymore" card regularly.  She picked it up from school from some catty girls- a downside to multi-age classrooms is my 3-4 year old coming home with 6 year old attitude!  The only thing I can think of is saying that you don't have to like him/her, but you do need to be nice and polite.  I tell DD I don't need to be her friend- I just need to be her mommy, but we have so much more fun together when we are friends.  I tell my students that you don't have to like everyone, but you do need to be nice.  
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  • Ready4lifeReady4life member

    Sounds like you are doing a great job!

    Usually when DD voices her opinion like that ( I don't like you, or I'm mad at you), I tell her calmly "It is ok that you feel that way." and then I'll go into explaining why we all need to listen, share or do what it is she doesn't want to do at that moment.  I think recognizing her feelings and letting her know it's ok to feel upset or angry has helped her a lot.  It's like a reassurance she's been heard.  Then I try to use the words "we" instead of "you".  We should all respect each other and be nice.  And from a young age with her we've always told her to "take a deep breath" when she starts freaking out. We raise our arms together and do some yoga (usually takes her mind off what she's upset about). Now it's a routine thing she does on her own if she notices herself getting upset.

    I also had the Joy Berry series growing up and got them for my daughter too.  They are great because they talk about a lot of good issues; being wasteful, being selfish, being disrespectful,  being a bad sport.  You might look into a book series like that if your DS likes to read. 

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  • SortaCrunchySortaCrunchy member

    Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.  Sometimes this kiddo makes me feel like a total parenting fail!  He has given me some good perspective, though.  I never automatically blame the parents for a kid's bad behavior anymore, the way I often did back when I was childless and *oh so enlightened*.  Embarrassed

    I really like all the advice!!  I've already tried doing more active listening with him.  (I already did that on occasion, but in the heat of the moment it isn't often the first thing that pops into my mind.)  It seems to be working pretty well.  I also like the suggestions to let him know it's OK to feel however he feels but that certain ways of acting on those emotions are not allowed.  And I'll definitely check into the books, too.  He loves reading!

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  • SortaCrunchySortaCrunchy member

    imagefredalina:
    Also he probably feels it is unfair to have to leave a playdate or have a time out when he's the "victim" of the small transgression; it probably hasn't even registered with him yet that he also transgressed with his words.

    This is a really good point, and I've honestly never looked at it that way.  Thanks!

    Natural hospital birthing, babywearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, Baby Led Weaning, milk donating, extended breastfeeding, fully vaxing, extended rear facing SAHM to:
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  • RidgebackmomRidgebackmom member
    OMG my dd does this all of the time. Just did it this mornign actually. Mimi, I don't like you anymore so she walked away sulking. Then came back and told my mother what she said, my mother responded with "ok" and then she tried to sit in ther lap. She does things for attention, I get that. I thought 3 was going to be better than 2, boy was I wrong.
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