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challenges

2moms2twins2moms2twins
in LGBT Parenting

 M and I were interviewed for a LGBT blog about being a same-sex family and organizing the LGBT group here in town.

The reporter asked what challenges we have as a same -sex couple and he expected us to rattle off a list that was the typical Straight vs. Gay issues that  but ironically both Melanie and I said having two moms is a toughy ...

By that we mean- and from our experience  most hetrosexual couples the dad tends to lay low ( i know i am making ageneralization ) but this is based on how M and I were raised and how we view many of our straight friends families and from asking people)  actually My uncle who has 2 adult children now was telling us back in the day he just sat around and never got to change feed or burp his kids .. and he delights in the fact the we let him help us

anyhow so based on our experience it seems that MOMS tend to shove Dad in a corner ( true not always ) but  our challenge is that we are both MOM and both think we know whats best for our babies... and we do .. but in a hetero household more often than not  its the MOMS way -  If a child is sick typically MOM to the rescue and medicates or decides on treatment  with us - I may think RUN to the Er and M might think lets wait it out ...

Does this make any sense ..... anyhow the reporter was astonished and said that it makes perfect sense ( he was a Gay male not sure if that made any difference) but he said he never though of that ... 

so - is its just M and I or do other TWO MOMS out there feel this a bit?

 - J

 

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Re: challenges

  • madisonpeasmadisonpeas
    I wouldn't say we both think we know best.  If anything, we are both super involved in choices.  I guess the only drawback to that is that we sometimes do a lot of processing before we get an answer.  Not because we disagree as much as we want to talk it all through.  That said, I feel like we know a couple of straight couples who are very much like us.  And, we both grew up in households where the dad was often working and mom just decided.  So I wonder if it is more generational?
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  • 2moms2b2moms2b member

    I think it will be an interesting dynamic in our house for a little bit while we establish our own places in the family.  I think this piece can be a little harder due to cultural guidelines and environmental influence. Logically we know we are both going to parent equally or provide equally but breaking the roles that were engrained in our heads as children is hard just as much as sharing responsibility of these roles.  I think generation wise these lines are now more blurred than they were say when our grandparents were parenting but they still exist in some form. I mean back in the 50's most women stayed home to raise their children.  Now 60 years later more mom's are returning to the work force than ever before (sooner than before) and stay at home dads are on the rise.  I think the biggest part for us is going to be communication so we are not stepping on each others toes per say.

    I know I have decided to pump instead of breastfeed for this exact issue.  I would love to breastfeed the LO's but while M stuggles with the non-bio issue I do not want anything that sets me apart as more of a mommy than her.  I want them to need us equally and if I am the only one who can feed them it's just one more reminder.  This way she can do everything I can do with it comes to their care.  

    M & M
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    Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
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    EDD 02/21/13
    09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
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  • LolaBelle515LolaBelle515 member

    For us this is absolutely true. It has been an adjustment and we are very intentionally working out what our own individual roles are as we parent, so that we both feel equally involved and engaged.

     

    I can say that during our last trimester, our nurse practitioner mentioned this at EVERY appointment in relationship to lesbian parents. She said it's quite common and  is something to be aware of...so, you're definitely not alone:)

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  • tdmklmtdmklm member
    Funny - I can relate to this somewhat in terms of J, but A LOT in terms of just general house stuff. You know, stuff like "Where should this photo go?" "How about moving this chair over there?" It seems to me that most males in heterosexual relationships don't particularly care about decor (SUPER overgeneralizing here), but at our house we both want our way - and we don't agree! Stick out tongue
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  • laynesmommalaynesmomma member
    Thank you for saying this. We feel exactly the same way. My DW's best friend even said one time, "Layne has a lot of mom". The issue is somewhat subtle in that we see it as an energy... we both have strong instincts for our daughter and maybe if one of us were male or one of us had a different personality those instincts wouldn't collide. We have moments where it is rough and others, like now in our life, when it all works. I think it's a challenge though...
    Iui #1 = unmedicated = bfn. Iui # 2 = clomid 50 mg = bfn. Iui # 3 = clomid 50 mg = bfn. Iui # 4 = unmedicated = bfn. Iui # 5 = unmedicated = bfp - miscarriage at 5 wks. Iui #6 = nov 2012 = gonal f 75, endotrim 100= chemical pregnancy/bfn
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  • JazibelJazibel member

    This is one of the reasons I was so excited about havingg kids with EV - that fact that our child(ren) would have two Moms.  I love having the support of another Mother in making decisions for Kaden - both during pregnancy and now as we raise our family.  She mothers in a unique way - just as I do and we talk things out (which cloth diapers, which vaccines, etc.)  I also make sure to give her the space she needs with Kaden (he and I home all day together as of this week). Instinctively when he cries I want to reach for him - but it's not my place if she's handling it. :-) It's definitely a challenge but one I'm looking forward to.

    I can't wait until 6 weeks when we'll start pumping/bottle feeding. I do feel that the EBF does define our roles more - something we agreed to do before. I love EBF - but I'd also love to sleep through a night feeding or two once in a while ;-)

    Speaking of the creature is waking up... 

     

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  • leapgirl8leapgirl8 member
    We haven't really run into this yet. My mom commented that she thinks it will be a lot easier having two people in the house with maternal instincts, and so far I think that's true. I defer to Jen on breastfeeding issues but that's about it. Otherwise we both offer suggestions and talk about it if we disagree.
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  • 2moms2twins2moms2twins

    i say know best but we dont know were new to this but  more of what would you do and what would I  do .  and yes tons of processing to make a decision ..

    perhaps generational but most people we know are hetero couples and seems like unless its sports dad is in the  back seat .

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  • lethalmermaidlethalmermaid

    imagetdmklm:
    Funny - I can relate to this somewhat in terms of J, but A LOT in terms of just general house stuff. You know, stuff like "Where should this photo go?" "How about moving this chair over there?" It seems to me that most males in heterosexual relationships don't particularly care about decor (SUPER overgeneralizing here), but at our house we both want our way - and we don't agree! Stick out tongue

     

    This exactly!  J is way more invested in things that I wouldn't think he should/would be.  For example, I'm the one that does all the cooking so I consider the kitchen "mine", but we have gone round and round and round about backsplashes and counter tops.  I'm thinking "What do you care? YOU ARE NEVER IN THERE!!!" 

     

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  • tdmklmtdmklm member
    imagelethalmermaid:

    imagetdmklm:
    Funny - I can relate to this somewhat in terms of J, but A LOT in terms of just general house stuff. You know, stuff like "Where should this photo go?" "How about moving this chair over there?" It seems to me that most males in heterosexual relationships don't particularly care about decor (SUPER overgeneralizing here), but at our house we both want our way - and we don't agree! Stick out tongue

     

    This exactly!  J is way more invested in things that I wouldn't think he should/would be.  For example, I'm the one that does all the cooking so I consider the kitchen "mine", but we have gone round and round and round about backsplashes and counter tops.  I'm thinking "What do you care? YOU ARE NEVER IN THERE!!!" 

     

    Yes 

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