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September 2012 Moms
on_a_whim
member
1st Christmas with baby, MIL rant & WWYD (long)
on_a_whim
member
This is something that I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. MH has a very large family, and typically during the holidays it gets to be very hectic. Now, I really enjoy cooking and when it comes to holidays, specifically Christmas, I absolutely love to play host at our house for our parents, close family/friends etc. - but every year I find myself battling with MIL on whether or not we'll be going to her house Christmas day, and usually I end up conceding to her pushiness.
Her view: she expects that her kids and their families will be there all day, every year, no questions.
My view: her son is an adult, is married and will soon have his own little family... so she needs to let go a little and understand that there will be times when we'll just be visiting during holidays and not setting up camp at her house.
Well, this past Christmas we had a big blowout because it was "my turn" to host Christmas dinner. I was supposed to be cooking for me, DH, his mom, SIL/BIL & 2 kids, my grandmother and my mom. MIL conveniently "forgot", and went about her usual holiday business. End result, none of H's family showed up for dinner. We couldn't get a hold of anybody by phone for hours, so we ended up enjoying Christmas dinner with just the 4 of us.
The real story: MIL didn't "forget", she just didn't want to pass up on her usual holiday routine and so, she convinced my SIL/BIL that we decided to spend Christmas day and dinner with my family at my mom's house. Nobody was the wiser. Ultimately, I lost my shiit over the whole thing and ended up in a huge argument with MIL (before knowing about baby), and the end result was that she promised to let me have Christmas at our house this year.
LOL... great. So our little guy will be around 3mths once Christmas rolls around... and this year would be the one time where I would be happy to let someone else do all the cooking, cleaning and running around. MH brought this up with MIL a few days back, and let her know that with us having a new baby hosting at our house for the holidays was probably not going to happen this year, and that we'll be going to her house but aren't sure how long our visit will be....her response? She was pissed off and basically told H that I should just be happy and grateful that I married someone who's mother is willing to handle all of these things every year... She also made some type of comment about if I am that inconvenienced & upset maybe we should ask my mother to cook Christmas dinner for us this year, especially if we're only going to visit for a few hours. WTF... seriously?!
So if you made it this far (thank you)... tell me, WWYD? I can't predict the future, so I have zero idea what things will be like with baby here in December. I personally don't think that spending some time with MIL and H's family across a few days during the holidays, and the other half of the time split between my family and just us is 'wrong'. Are we being unreasonable here? I mean, this isn't something I want to be arguing and stressing over with a new baby on the way and when he's finally here... but it has now become an issue. *le sigh*
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Re: 1st Christmas with baby, MIL rant & WWYD (long)
Holy Crap your MIL has some issues.
I'm always afraid to answer WWYD because I literally tell people what I would do, not what they should do.
If it were me, I would say screw it with the MIL and plan on spending Christmas with my DH and my new baby. If my family was willing to help out and either host at their house or help bring food to my house, great. If not, I'd make it a very cozy first Christmas for my very new family.
If MIL is getting her panties in a bunch over something so stupid, then cut her out and she'll be the one missing out on seeing her family during the Holidays.
Emilia Antoinette
10.03.12 at 41w5d
I don't think you're being inconsiderate at all. If you actually WANT to have it at your house, maybe you could ask your mom to come help you with it. I DO NOT suggest that you do it alone. But it might be nice for you to have the comfort of home for LO at nap time and everything like that. That way, IF YOU WANT, you can spend the day with the family.
However, if that doesn't even sound appealing (I'm not a fan of playing host...and couldn't imagine doing it with an infant) and your MIL is acting this way, maybe you should just go to your mom's place. It might be the little smack in the face that your MIL needs to show her that she shouldn't put her foot in her mouth if she doesn't actually mean what she's saying.
It gets so stressful around the holidays with young children, the traveling can throw them off and make them very cranky. Plus the over stimulation of all the people and the noise...
Put your foot down now. If you want to stay home on Christmas Day now, stay home. If people want to see you guys, they can come to you. If you want to just visit one side, do it.
Set up the rules now, dig your heels in and make it known this is how it is now for you guys.
Expect a stink and a tantrum. But it's your time now to start making memories and traditions with your family. You & your husband get to decide how to spend holidays now. Make them happy experiences, not ones full of stress and yelling.
I just couldn't help but feel (a little) like I was being "the bad daughter-in-law"... I blame my emotional pg hormones for that right now, lol.
Thanks ladies... you've all confirmed what I've been feeling/thinking. Now it's all about getting the message across.
Wow it sounds like you have a MARIE BARONE (Everybody love raymond) on your hands.
If I were you I would just not go. My mom always was about being home on Christmas day, so I plan on doing the same thing with LO coming, STAYING HOME, everybody else can come here because my Sis does not have a child yet and DH's family is flexible on the Holidays. If my mom thinks I'm dragging an infant in NY winter weather on Christmas to her house (1/2 hr away) she has another thing coming.
I say stand your ground.
~The Bumpie formerly known as SpartyMom2B~
As far as her original thing of "forgetting " it was at your house last year I completely understand you being pissed.
But this year it kind of goes back to the old saying " you make your bed you lay in it." I can see where she is coming from in making a big deal about accommodating to changes when a big deal was made about it last year. Would I act like her? No but I do see why she may be a bit bitchy about it.
I sympathize with you. My situation is not as drastic as you but somewhat similar. My MIL has x-mas every year at her house and last year it ended up being a huge fight with me and DH as I wanted to spend xmas eve there and xmas at our home since it was our first xmas together. We ended up spending two days at this parents.
So this year even though we will have a 3 month old I have already said x-mas I am not moving out of my house. We will be hosting dinner for the 5 of us, MIL, BIL, and one set of my parents. My bio mom will most likely be at her place with her husband and right now things are too up in the air to know what will happen with my bio dad. But I did have the offer of help my mom who will be here.She will be coming over after spending part of the morning with her husband to help me get everything ready here.
So I would either see if someone will help you have dinner at your place for everyone or just say screw and have you, D,H baby and your parents. It is you're first xmas with your baby you need to do what will be less stressful for you.
My mother is insane about Christmas too...maybe not to the extent of your MIL, but she's also 8 hours away so I don't have to hear about it as much
My mother wants us to be there for every holiday, and being so far away, after DS was born and we spent our first Christmas as a family at a truckstop because my mother said we "had" to be there for Christmas morning. We realized we needed to come up with a plan. So, between DH and I we came up with a plan we both agreed on and told both sides this is what we were doing. My mother was not the happiest about it, but it's something we had to do for our new family so we could have our own holiday and traditions but at the same time join in as many family "festivities" as possible. That way also, every year is the same and my mother knows what to expect. I'll still get snide comments here and there, but our holidays are so much more relaxing now
Wait until closer to Christmas to figure out what to do. Our tradition for the past 4 years has been IL's on Christmas eve. They are German so it I typically their night to open gifts and Christmas day is hosted at my house with all my family and DH's family. Normally 25 people or so. I hadn't thought about it with the baby. But I'll just have my mom help a little more. I love hosting Christmas and don't want to miss it.
Good luck with whatever you do decide. Sucks when your MIL is spiteful a not cooperative. I would def wait it out and see how you feel come November. Maybe you will be up to it!
I'm with Manx. Make your decisions based on what you and your DH want to do, based on what is best for LO and your immediate family.
We are lucky enough that ILs do Christmas Eve and my parents do Christmas Day. We sleep at our own house and wake up in our own beds on Christmas Day, but this is something my SIL put into place long ago with my MIL and her own family. You need your own time with your own little family.
I think spending time with extended family at the holidays is very important, but sooner or later, you become that extended family so you need to set your own schedules/traditions down now.
You and H should spend the holidays how you want. If she is being pissy about hosting, then don't go to her house. For me personally, having a 3 month old was pretty easy and it wouldn't have stopped me from hosting. DS was taking 3 naps a day, was fine hanging in his swing/bouncer/activity mat while I cooked, and I was totally feeling like myself. I would get help from my mom with the cooking (I would do that even without a baby though) and maybe some of the siblings.
I learned a long time ago to never agree to any plans that are more than a month away, especially with a newborn! Just tell mil that Christmas is still 5 months away and you'll let her know your plans after Thanksgiving rolls around.
You never know if lo will be sick, or if you'll even feel up to hosting or not hosting. I wouldn't commit to anything just yet.
She's definately being unreasonable and making your first christmas a small family something to NOT look forward to. As in any family when a new person comes in traditions need to change and compromises need to be met. What if you agree to host every other year with her or limit your time their on that day. Christmas is obviously about being with family but at the same time your new LO should get his own traditions with is own family.
If she can't agree to those terms than tell her you'll celebrate without her...GL!
You know I wasn't able to read every response so this might be repeated. I think you should just let her keep hosting it because if she's anything like you describe then she will B&M, but end up doing it anyways. You just need to plan your day according to what works for your family and when it's time to go just get up and go. She really can't stop you at that point. I think she's probably acting that way because she feels like you were out of line last year, which you weren't. It's her preception.
Now is not the time to give into pushiness. You need to just stand your ground and let her vent, throw a tantrum, or whatever.
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Ditto. Sounds like she takes the joy out of the holiday season.
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Wow sorry that your MIL is acting so childish. I agree with hmp and manx (and all the other smart ladies who said this). Have your Christmas how you choose. With a child you do not want for there to be over the top expectations every year. There will come a time when you want to watch your child open their gifts and then relax for awhile rather than running here there and everywhere.
I can also say I agree with hmp that when DD was 2-3months old she slept a lot so I had the time to host Christmas and it was actually nice because DD had her own bed to take her naps in, but my mom helped a lot so that may be different than your situation.
Good luck!
Your MIL sounds like a peach to be around at Christmas time. I hope you figure out your situation and what you are going to do.
I can understand where you are coming from to a point though. With both DH and I having divorced parents holiday time is toughest for us. This year I have already put my foot down and told them that Christmas (and Thanksgiving for the fact) is a come one come all at our house, and if they do come bring something with you cause all I am (and in that sense I mean DH) cooking is the turkey. The invitation has been extended out to our parents and grandparents. Which for us is more than enough. Anyone else can kissmywhiteass cause Thanksgiving here is October 8 and I could have maybe a 3 week old. Christmas having a 3 month old will be almost no different. I want him to be at home.
Our 1st Christmas as a family of 3 consisted of me having dinner by myself at home. It was miserable. Here's why:
MIL had us 3 come over there (DS1 was 11 months). She didn't start cooking until way later in the day, we had already been there for hours. She lives a few blocks away. DS was so cranky that I had to just take him home and put him to bed, as he won't sleep anywhere else. DH then went back to his mom's, got me a plate of food, I ate at home and he ate there. NEVER AGAIN. I was p!ssed. She wanted us there the ENTIRE day and it just wasn't fair to any of us (me, DH, or LO).
So going forward, I let her know what time we'll be there and what time we'll be leaving. I do Christmas Eve with my family at my house, Christmas Day with my DH's family at MIL's house but only for a few hours. I see my dad's side any other day right before or after the actual holiday.
Now Turkey Day is stressing me out cause I feel inclined to invite everyone and that's a wholelotta people. Ugh.
We have a similar issue with my grandparents. Every year since I can remember Christmas day was spent at my dad's parents house. Christmas Eve has always been spent at my maternal grandparents house.
Knowing that at some point in the near future we would be having kids and wanted Christmas morning spent at our home, we decided that Christmas Eve we would visit my family, who lives an hour and a half away, and Christmas Day would be split between our house in the morning and then going to DH's dad's house in the afternoon.
We made this clear last year that this is how we will be doing Christmas every year, but my paternal grandma still thinks that we will be spending Christmas Day there. I have resolved to not saying anything else anymore because she has been told on more than one occasion what is going to happen and I feel like there is no point in wasting my breath.
Do what works for your family. If MIL doesn't like your ultimate decision, then she is the one who will have to deal with the outcome. Christmas is supposed to be fun and "magical" not drama filled.
I would say "Peace out, drama queen" and make your own plans. If she wants to come over and see her new grandchild on it's first Christmas, she can do that. It's not all about her, and you don't need that stress.
You have gotten a ton of good advice so I won't give you anything different, just wanted to share.
I told EVERYONE on both sides that the crazy we travel to see everyone in a 4 hour radius over 2 days thing is not happening once we had kids. I laid that out years ago. I invited anyone that wished to stop by to feel free, during a specific time frame, but I couldn't guarantee any food or drinks. At least this year. Now that it is coming, everyone asked if I really mean it. ha! Once we verified that we were not traveling for the holidays this year, everyone started making alternate plans.
I just hope it all works out as well as they (and we) are planning.
Kid #1 - 09/03/12
Hysteroscopy #10 - scar tissue grew back reblocking my right tube
#11 or IVF with scarring still inside?
1 lone embryo from September 2016 retreival, dx with Trisomy 16, starting fresh
Have Christmas at your house.
Put your H in charge of making a ham and ask the other relatives to bring a side dish. You make a dessert or buy a pie or two.
Done and done. Don't play MIL games. She wants to control you guys and keep playing games, don't let her.
Plus you have everything you need for LO at your house, it's more of a pita to have to pack and leave it, than to have some people over.
I don't even know why you would want to go over there this year after all of that!
She sounds very immature, controlling & spiteful.
Since she is making a point now to play it off like she goes so out of her way to host every year, then I would just say, "Well we don't want to inconvenience you any further then, so we'll just stay home for Christmas from now on."
Wow, your MIL sounds like a spiteful biotch!
I think a new baby is the perfect reason to start some new traditions. Do you guys even like going over to your MIL's for the mandated Christmas dinner? If you do, I'd say start a year-to-year rotation and stick to it. As some people said, you might just be fine to host at your house with LO, but it makes sense that you might not want to commit to that not knowing what the baby will be like. In that case, I'd say just suck it up, go to MIL's and thank her for her hospitality since it sounds like she probably won't listen to a rational discussion about things. You're definitely not "wrong" from what you've described, but sometimes establishing your "rightness" just isn't worth it.
If you don't really like going there, then start a tradition of Christmas at your place and they can come if they want. For this year, keep it small or ask your mom for help, and then maybe next year you'd be ready to host something bigger. I think we'll be having a cozy Christmas Day at our house this year--just MH, LO and I--and I'm secretly loving the idea (especially since our new house we're moving into in Sept has a fireplace
Holy crap that is frustrating.
My mom went through a phase where she wanted all of her kids together on just one holiday a year - on the actual day. Well, her 4 kids live in 3 different states and it was nearly impossible. I don't know what happened, but she has softened and realized that we all have our own families, our own traditions, and our goal should be to get together around the holidays (with as many of us as possible). So sadly, I have no advice for you. My mom figured out her craziness on her own.
I would talk to your husband and decide what would be your ideal holiday plans. We worked out a long time ago that we would alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas between our two families but that once we have children that are about toddler-aged, Christmas morning will be spent at our house (we figure an infant could really give 2 flips where it spends Christmas morning). End of story. Thankfully both of our parents are accepting of this. Of course we will be flexible, but coming up with our own rules has helped worked out the holiday situation. So maybe start there, then try to figure out how to approach MIL about it.
And you by no means need to make a Christmas decision right now. You've got plenty of time for that, so don't worry about it.
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