I don't know what to do anymore :-( Super long

UMichGirl · August 2012

A friend posted on my facebook wall asking me how mommyhood is going. I can't figure out a way to respond because what I want to say is, "It honestly sucks."

I LOVE my DS. Love him to pieces...Which is why this is so hard. I can't help him. DH and I went through so much for so long to even be able to have a LO (you can see my siggy), which makes me feel even worse for feeling this way. I should be loving every minute of DS because for so long we didn't think we'd ever even have a baby. But DS cries and/or screams ALL.THE.TIME. I am not exaggerating...he LITERALLY cries or screams I'd say 90% of the time he's awake. Our day goes something like this: DS wakes up crying. I will change him (as he continues to cry), feed him, stop to burp (he cries), finish feeding him (he continues to cry--now he's working himself up to screams), perhaps try either giving him more (maybe he's still hungry?) or giving him some liquid antacid the doctor suggested (maybe he has reflux--he's already on Zantac--and it's bothering him?) or giving him gripe water (I've heard it works wonders for some...only thing it seems to help DS with is get rid of hiccups) or giving him more gas drops (he already gets them in every bottle) or giving him some anti-cramping drops that the doctor prescribed (since he has/had such bad gas issues the doctor thought maybe his stomach or intestines were cramping up) etc....until he falls back asleep again, and then when he wakes up the cycle starts all over again. Mind you we don't give him all of this stuff all the time, and never do we give more than one thing at a time. We are following the doctor's recommendation about when and how to give it.

But basically the entire time DS is awake and crying/screaming, I'm trying to get him to stop crying/screaming. We rock, we sway, we bounce, I carry him on my shoulder, in the football position, on his back, I bicycle his legs, massage his tummy, sing to him, lay him down, pick him up, put him on his tummy, run the vacuum, turn on the hair dryer, turn on my white noise app, check to see if he needs to be changed again, go for a walk, go for a ride, give him a bath, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I've tried EVERYTHING. He cries through EVERYTHING.

We've gone to the doctor, I've called the doctor, we've gone to the doctor again, I've talked to DIFFERENT doctors...the general consensus is we have a fussy/colicky baby who needs to outgrow this. Sad (And I thought colic was an evening/night thing...not an ALL DAY LONG thing.) We had his stool tested for blood (negative), we've switched his formula from Gentlease to Nutramigen (and the first night we switched him he was a completely different baby--"playing", cooing, relaxed, so much fun to be around...by the next morning that honeymoon phase had worn off). I don't know how I'm going to get through the next DAY, let alone month and a half (they say he should outgrow it by 3-6 months...I'm holding on hope to the 3 month mark). I had plans to go to a friend's house with DS today and I had to cancel on her because there's just no way I can take him out of the house like this. I feel like a prisoner in my house with him, and it is so disheartening to have your little baby just scream all day long like this. I want to help him so badly and it kills me that he is so inconsolable.

We can't do anything fun with him--I know he's only five weeks old, but I have several friends with babies around DS's age and they "read" to their babies, take their babies out and about with them, or even just let their babies enjoy the swing or bouncy chair while they get things done around the house. I long to be able to do anything like this with DS!

DH is so stressed out too--He has to leave to go to work every morning and it's so hard on him leaving the house hearing DS screaming (and this morning, me crying too) and he can't focus at work because he's worrying about us at home. Last night DH told me to just go do whatever I needed to do to catch a break. I went up to our room, got in bed, and just cried. I feel so helpless and sad about everything, not to mention how frustrating and taxing it is to have my LO just crying and screaming at me for what feels like every minute of every day.

I guess I just needed to vent, but does anyone have any other suggestions?! DH and I have read every single article online about fussy babies, colicky babies, gassy babies, etc. so I do feel like we've tried everything...but any suggestions on how to get through the day?

Thanks, and congratulations if you've made it this far.

mrs+harlow · August 2012

I just want to tell you it does get better. I know that is of no help right now and sounds cliche but it WILL get better. You may have tried this, but you didn't say...does your son like to be swaddled? Warm baths? Have you tried warm baths with lavender oil or the California Baby Calendula Wash with the lavender in it? This really helped my son chill out. We went through something similar during his first two weeks and then again at about 5-6 weeks during that " Wonder Week"..Does he take a pacifier? Does he like to have his forehead caressed? Those two things work wonders for DS.

My son still gets super fussy when he is over tired. I have to "shush" louder than his crying. I put a shushing app on my phone that really helps ( ad saves me from going blue in the face and spitting in his ear).

I know some moms with colicky babies have said Colic Calm seemed to help a bit.

((((hugs))))) I know it is hard....you will get through it.

sammylee007 · August 2012

My heart goes out to you and your baby. Sounds like youre off to a rough start, but in time things will get better. Be good to yourself and your hubby, take care of each other, baby just needs to grow and develop and in time he will tolerate his formula in a better way. Hang in there. gl

vintagejjane · August 2012

My DD is not colicky, but she is high needs and is fussy. I wear her in a carrier, and it helps so much. She falls asleep or looks around without crying, not saying it solves everything, but it is what helps in our house. I honestly would try a carrier and see if that helps.

UMichGirl · August 2012

mrs+harlow:
I just want to tell you it does get better. I know that is of no help right now and sounds cliche but it WILL get better. You may have tried this, but you didn't say...does your son like to be swaddled? Warm baths? Have you tried warm baths with lavender oil or the California Baby Calendula Wash with the lavender in it? This really helped my son chill out. We went through something similar during his first two weeks and then again at about 5-6 weeks during that " Wonder Week"..Does he take a pacifier? Does he like to have his forehead caressed? Those two things work wonders for DS.
My son still gets super fussy when he is over tired. I have to "shush" louder than his crying. I put a shushing app on my phone that really helps ( ad saves me from going blue in the face and spitting in his ear).
I know some moms with colicky babies have said Colic Calm seemed to help a bit.
((((hugs))))) I know it is hard....you will get through it.

Thank you...and no, DS does not like to be swaddled but we do anyway because he sleeps better that way (at least at night we do...sometimes I will during the day for a nap it just depends). He doesn't like having his arms in, but his arms are the reason we swaddle because without them in he wakes himself up with his startle reflex (his arms will flail out to his sides and/or hit himself in the face). Baths are hit or miss with him, usually he cries through them. We have tried lavender, but honestly the soap seems to dry his skin out--and we don't even use much. He does take a pacifier. I haven't tried massaging his forehead though or using Colic Calm...I will look into that.

UMichGirl · August 2012

vintagejjane:
My DD is not colicky, but she is high needs and is fussy. I wear her in a carrier, and it helps so much. She falls asleep or looks around without crying, not saying it solves everything, but it is what helps in our house. I honestly would try a carrier and see if that helps.

Thanks, we do have a Bjorn that I will put him in. It's hit or miss as well...Sometimes it helps and he falls asleep, other times (like yesterday) I can have him in it, WHILE running the vacuum, and he's still crying.

I will check back in later to see if there are other ideas too...thanks everyone. DS is waking up from his nap.

ipookie8 · August 2012

You poor thing!

May I introduce you to Colic Calm? It's simply amazing, my daughter screamed from gas and every time she pooped until I found this stuff. It actually puts her to sleep within 5-10 minutes because it makes her feel so much better.

https://coliccalm.com/

I bought it at the local CVS Pharmacy.

tiffanybird · August 2012

Sounds like you're really struggling.

One thing that calms my LO down is flashing lights. He has this toy that has lights that flash and change colors in time to music, and he's so fascinated by it that he usually stops crying pretty quickly. It probably won't work if your LO is already screaming, but it might prevent it from getting to that point.

My DH does something that I consider strange, but that usually works. If LO is fussy and starting to cry, DH will blow a quick puff of air in LO's face, and it generally startles him so much that he stops crying and just stares at DH. Again, not something that will help with full-blown screaming, but it might help calm your LO down for a bit.

RMama2012 · August 2012

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Your post actually made me tear up. I have no advice really but was wondering if your lo enjoys walks? Maybe the stroller vibrations will calm him? Some fresh air and exercise would probably help you too. My lo hates to be in the stroller unless it is moving so the very last thing I do before I leave is put him in it.

mylittlesunshine · August 2012

Hang in there. I know easier said then done. While I don't FF, we ran into the issue of DD2 being MSPI and it was causing her to cry ALL THE TIME.

Make sure to take care of yourself during this time. I suffered from PPD/PPA with DD1 and when DD2 started crying all the time I was afraid it would resurface. It can be very stressful to be around an infant that cries non-stop. Don't be afraid to set your DS down for a few minutes and take some time to yourself. I figured with DD2 she was going to cry whether it was in my arms or in her crib/bouncer/swing. Sometimes I will put DD2 in her crib and just do something small, like take the trash out, just to get out of the house and away from the crying for 2 minutes.

I know you don't feel comfortable going out, but I believe that is part of what caused my PPD with DD1 (she was born in the cold months so I didn't want to go out in the snow with her). I know it seems intimidating, but try to get out with him. You might be surprised that the car ride over to your destination he might fall asleep. Maybe set small goals....to the grocery store for a few items. Take him to your friend's house. If she has children she should be understanding. I started back at work this week and was VERY surprised when our DC provider told me DD2 didn't hardly cry at all. Sometimes a change of scene (or even someone other then mom/dad holding baby) will get baby to be happy for a little bit.

Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help. Even if it is just having your parents/il's coming over so that you and DH can take a walk together, get dinner...etc. You need to remember to take care of yourself and your relationship with DH.

Hang in there! It will go away and hopefully someday be a distant memory.

krryg · August 2012

You poor thing, I know exactly how you feel. My dd used to be that way, but shes almost 3 months now and seems to have outgrown it a little. I was getting so depressed staying inside all day because I never wanted to take her out. But then one of my friends said you have to take them out for a change of scenery. So even though she cried Id take her for walks or to BuyBuy baby just to walk around, and it helped so much.

queenaag · August 2012

My heart goes out to you I know it doesn't help much, but I'll reiterate that it will get better. I had a very high needs baby (not to the extreme you are going through though), then at the 8 week mark it was like a switch flipped and he is the best baby now....still has a few fussy moments, but overall a total 180. I was like you and was feeling like I couldn't enjoy my little boy, now we have a lot of fun, smiling and cooing. You are a strong mama and you will get through this!!! It sounds like your hubby is great support, which helps.

As hard as it probably is to pry yourself away, take some time for yourself. BTW how is the temperature in your house? I noticed when we had the air at a certain temp DS was better/less fussy.

steelermama86 · August 2012

I promise it does get better!! You are living what I went through with DD. She cried and SCREAMED more then anything else. Things that helped us were..... I know you mentioned gripe water not working but, it did eventually start working for us, sleep sacks because she hated to be swaddled, the swing on high with white noise (we had a lamb that we would place in the swing with her), the moby wrap, and a lot of patients. I was always rocking, walking, doing lunges, dancing, singing, and CRYING with her.

I am sending hugs your way and just give it time. "this too shall pass" is what I would repeat over and over again. (((hugs)))

ELF4321 · August 2012

I'm so sorry your DS is such an unhappy baby. I wish there was a magic cure, but some babies are just like that the first few months. Several of my friends have had sons that were like this. They do eventually grow out of it, but the first few months are brutal.. Do you live near any family or friends who could help out, even for just an hour or two a couple of days a week, so you canget out of the house or take a nap with earplugs, or whatever you need?

JulesFo · August 2012

It can be so. very. hard. I had an immensely difficult time with DD1 -- some of it her, some of it me, but I felt like the worst mom because I just didn't want to do any of it. It can feel so all consuming and never ending....it WILL get better. I know that doesn't help right now, but just put one foot in front of the other right now. I have the best time with both my kids now (DD2 is the most chill baby -- such a different experience). Do whatever works -- even if it driving around in the car until LO falls asleep in the carseat. My husband and I used to do this and made it in mini "date nights." We'd drive till she slept and went to get ice cream and then would drive around some more.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel right now -- it does not make you a bad mom.

Kdoy705 · August 2012

My heart also goes out to you and your baby. I have had a few days like this - like Monday - where she cried on and off all day long, just settling down for small periods of time. I understand feeling hopeless and the tears when you feel like you've tried everything - so sorry you have to go through this.

I just wanted to second the carrier recommendation. I got the Dr. Sears Ring Sling at Buy Buy Baby and when she is fussy, I just put her in there and walk around the house or the block. I think she likes being close to my chest and it is a semi-swaddle. Seems to help out a lot.

My mom went through the same thing with my brother - 3 straight months of crying and then she said he just turned it off one day and became a super happy baby. Hang in there and it will get better!

vintagejjane:
My DD is not colicky, but she is high needs and is fussy. I wear her in a carrier, and it helps so much. She falls asleep or looks around without crying, not saying it solves everything, but it is what helps in our house. I honestly would try a carrier and see if that helps.

preggyamy · August 2012

Sorry to hear you are going through this! I was just lurking, my LO is almost 6 months old now. Just a suggestion of posting on the 3-6 month board, as some of those moms have just gone through what you are going through - and have come out on the other side with now smiling and happy babies. So they probably will have tons of suggestions for you, as well as lots of encouragement to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not that far away.

Hang in there - T&P!

sasa625 · August 2012

Hugs to you! I could have written this same post with my 1st DD. She screamed all day unless she was nursing (and by that I mean using me as a pacifier since I never produced enough milk to feed her). She did have reflux and the pedi put her on Zantac which helped a bit. But honestly, what really helped was just her getting a little older. Around 3.5 months she really calmed down and became a super happy baby. She has never been a good sleeper, but at least she stopped the constant screaming.

I do know that the pedi told us if the Zantac didn't help things we would try prevacid, so that may be something to look into. I do really feel for you though because I felt the exact same way about mommy hood during the first few months of DD's life. I promise it does get easier though! Hang in there (easier said than done I know!)

toridear · August 2012

I agree with PP re: the Beco Gemini, I put my DD in there and it's like she's been drugged. But she's against my chest and her legs are froggied so she's all snuggled up in there.

Also, my niece was as you're describing, but no stool problems. Then my nephew came along and he had blood in his stool. Long story short, my sister surmises that likely my niece was sensitive to milk (that was the eventual diagnosis for my nephew) and it wasn't caught. Couldn't hurt to eliminate dairy from your diet, my sister's ped told her that's the most common infant allergy. My niece was basically inconsolable as a newborn, and my nephew was a different baby when the dairy was eliminated. Good luck!

emriley84 · August 2012

Lurker here... I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DS was the same way. He is now the happiest, easiest going toddler you'd ever meet. As for newborn to 5 months, those were the dark days lol.

Take care of yourself. Like you, we tried for a while to get pregnant, and I was so mad at myself for not loving every minute with my baby. It's ok! It doesn't mean you don't love him. It's extremely stressful to deal with a baby who is never happy!

It does get better. A few things that helped us, thickening feeds with oatmeal cereal, rice didn't help, reflux meds didn't help. Small, frequent bottles during the day. Napping in the swing, sleeping on a crib wedge.

Warm baths, car rides, sometimes baby wearing. Hang in there momma.

huberce · August 2012

I'm a long-time lurker who just had to post. You described my DS exactly!! All he did was cry and scream when he was awake and he never slept for more than 45 minutes at a time. I couldn't go anywhere because he would scream the entire time he was in the car and that would just make me even more stressed out than I already was. The reflux medicine eventually kicked in and he was able to sleep a little longer in the swing or bouncer... couldn't sleep laying down without screaming for a long time. How long has LO been on the medicine? Maybe his medicine hasn't given him complete relief yet?? Even when my DS's reflux got under control, he was still colicky when awake and would fuss constantly. However, when he was exactly 12 wks old, it was like someone flipped a switch and I had a completely different baby. The constant crying stopped. He started taking longer naps (in the swing of course) and he started acting like a "normal" baby. I know that seems like a long time away, but it will happen. Until then, make sure you get a break from the crying every day. My parents were lifesavers and would come hold him almost every day for a bit so that I could just go to a quite place in the house to maintain my sanity. Good luck and I hope you get some peace soon!!!!

LadyTyler · August 2012

My LO was nowhere near this fussy (more high needs/clingy) but I do recommend trying a sling or a moby or another "snuggly" carrier. Our guy still doesn't like the "legs dangling" style but loooves the sling. Sling + walking + pacifier was the magic thing for him when inconsolable. They aren't super comfortable but you can try a commercial one like the Balboa or Hot Slings bought of Craigslist cheap so you aren't investing a lot to see if he likes it.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, I hope you find something to help!

ammare · August 2012

I could have written this post word for word when my son was that age. It was awful. I remember thinking that my son hated me and that I was supposed to be the one that should be able to comfort him and I didn't know how. My husband and I were so sleep deprived and so at a loss for what to do. Honestly, there was nothing I found that worked to make him stop crying. The swing would work for short periods of time and I had one of those vibrating chairs that would work for short periods of time. But, when he got into his crying fits there was nothing you could do to make it better. We were also locked in our home. We couldn't go anywhere with him because you never knew when it would start, what the triggers were. Every suggestion in the book did not work. He did not like car rides or being in a stroller. Any of the products for gassy, colicky babies did not work.

By 3 months, almost to the day, he got noticeably better. By 4 months he was the most awesome baby. So happy, he was a completely different baby. He is still now, at almost 3 years old, very demanding and cries easily. But, he's also the most loveable, happy, most fun to be around kid I have seen. And, I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom.

I know that it seems like 3 months is a long time, but just keep telling yourself "This is a phase, it is only temporary." I don't know if you do this already, but my husband and I would take shifts. So, that we could get about 2 hours by ourselves without hearing the baby crying. I think it helped. If there is any way you could enlist a family member to help with that also, it would help. We felt awful leaving my son with my MIL, but she was willing to take him for a few hours every once in awhile to give us a break.

Also, please don't feel like it is something that you are doing or not doing. I struggled with that. But, some babies are just like this for the first few months. A lot of people will not understand that because they have never dealt with it. I think with my son, he had issues with acid reflux but I also think he has a low pain tolerance. I think those things combined are what caused the crying. I used to think that he was always going to be this unhappy, angry person. But, he turned into a wonderful, well adjusted baby and child. So, please don't think he will always be this way. It will get better and you guys will get to a point where you just go "Yeah, remember when....How did we survive?" and you will kind of laugh about it.

I really, really feel for you! I hope that he gets better before the 3 month mark! Just do a lot of venting, find a few moments each day where you can get some quiet time, see if you can enlist some help and just do a lot of self-talk.

mrsjengle · August 2012

This is exactly what I went through with DD1. We also worked with the pedi, who basically said, try harder. Is your baby growing appropriately? I only ask because you said you ruled out MSPI with the stool test, but you say that he did get better for a tiny bit on Nutramegin. I wonder if you try Neocate (you can order a can from Amazon). It's broken down differently than the other formulas, and as much as you are going through, I would think you're willing to try just about anything. Best of luck to you.

rubber_chicken · August 2012

Aww mama! You're doing a fantastic job, and you're a great mother to your baby boy!

There's really only one thing missing from what you're doing - and that's that you need to take care of yourself too! If mama's not happy, no one's happy.

I know how hard it is to ask for help, I still feel bad even having friends over in the evening during the "witching hour". But you need some time to yourself. You need to leave your baby in the capable hands of a friend, relative, or babysitter, and go get a pedicure. You'll feel like a new woman, and it'll give you the stamina to get through the tough times.

If you're not comfortable with that, you could hire a babysitter to stay with the baby for an hour or two while you just sleep and take a shower - just say, the baby's going to cry, just make sure he's fed, burped and dry, and then go get some rest.

You're doing a great job, and it will get better!

msm261 · August 2012

This was DS word.for.word. I could not take him in the stroller b/c he would scream. I couldn't drive with him b/c he would scream for the entire car ride and I would literally almost get into an accident b/c I was so stressed. I bf'ed him constantly just b/c while he was on my boob he couldn't cry. He cried when he woke up, during bath time, if I held him, If i put him in a swing--well you get the picture. He also would scream for hours at night, which doesn't help your mental state when you are that stressed out already.

We finally realized he had MSPI. We did the formula switch like you, but finally realized that it was the Ready To Feed Alimentum that did the trick. It was super expensive but I would go on craigslist and buy it that way. The powder forms of these formulas have corn and are "harsher" than the liquid. That being said, DS was and still is a high maintenance little bugger. But it is much easier spending my day entertaining a high spirited toddler, than an incessantly screaming infant. It does get better, but just don't let yourself hope that he will be like the other babies you see. When I finally realized that DS would never just sit and be passive, my outlook greatly improved.

My second piece of advice is to join the Mom's Club. Find one in your area and just take DS out. I know it seems overwhelming, but mom's don't judge screaming babies and you get some time out of the house. I also found that DS was a tad less likely to scream when surrounded by all that stimuli.

Also everyone is giving you really sweet advice with colic calm, etc., but I think at this point you need the big guns. I used ALL that crap and all it did was give me a false sense of hope and waste my money. If all else fails, there is a formula called Neocate that you can get a prescription for which contains no milk proteins at all.

Debra4love · August 2012

I am sorry that you are going through this. You are doing so much already, but Goodstart formula made a world of difference for my daughter. We switched her from nutramigen. It's worth a try. I wish you the best! Hang in there!

naybird · August 2012

I'm so sorry this is so hard for you. I have no advice, but I wanted to send you a big hug.

desertmouse39 · August 2012

I am so sorry to hear about your difficult time! Sounds like there's tons of great advise/suggestion here. My LO doesn't cry that consistently but she certainly has awful days from time to time where nothing helps and I know how frustrating and emotional it is to have your baby be sooo unhappy and not be able to do anything about it! It's also hard to be home alone with a screaming baby for hours on end and even though you love your baby to pieces, you definitely can start to feel like you don't like them very much at that moment, or worse yet, that they don't like you.

Having said all that, here is what works for us. Most of the time. Nothing seems to be 100%...

1.) If you haven't already, watch The Happiest Baby on the Block video. It was a total game changer for us. Seeing exactly how to do the steps and an order in which to do them, was SUPER helpful.

2.) Walking with baby in the stroller, around the block, to a friend's house, whatever... even if LO is screaming at first, the fresh air, change of scenery and bumpiness may eventually calm him/her. If not, well, getting out and walking may help you feel better.

3.) Find someone to help relieve you, even if it's just for an hour a day. Sometimes if my dd has been crying all afternoon and I am contemplating just taking the dog and moving to another state - well, my husband comes home and all of a sudden - she's fine (bastard! j/k). By the time I take a shower, eat something, maybe have a glass of wine, the world is right again and I know I can do it for another day. Or night.

Good luck!

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