DH and his concerns about new baby's impact
CFjo2010
member
Yesterday we found out that we?re expecting a baby girl in December! My daughter and K are really excited about having a little sister, although my son really wanted a little brother so he?s a bit bummed. What surprised me the most though was my husband?s reaction. I know all men want a boy. I understand that. And even though my husband is happy that the baby looks healthy, he?s bummed as well. Maybe bummed isn?t the right word. Conflicted maybe?
He?s very concerned that K will start to feel "replaced" once the baby is here. Even though K has been nothing but excited about the baby and was really happy when she saw the baby is a girl, he?s worried about her. As he put it, "K is my little princess right now, how is she going to feel about me having another little princess? One that stays here when K goes to BM?s?". I understand his concern and trepidation, but I don?t think K will feel that way. Lots of BM?s friends have babies, and quite a few of our friends have babies and she?s always asking for a sibling. She knows that babies are hard work and that they poop and cry and fuss, she?s not falsely enchanted with their cuteness. She adjusted quickly and easily to "sharing" Daddy with my daughter. We?ve discussed how things will be different when the baby is born (not as many Disneyland trips, "quiet time" starting a little earlier, waking up in the middle of the night, etc) and she seems to understand that things will change a bit. Obviously we won?t know for sure how she?s going to feel/react until the baby arrives, but for right now I?m not concerned.
Has anyone else?s husbands/SO?s expressed this type of concern regarding the new baby? If so, was there anything you were able to say to help him feel better about it or did you just have to wait it out with him?
Re: DH and his concerns about new baby's impact
When my H found out we were having another girl, he was pretty devastated. And he felt guilty for feeling bad, so it was a big mess. But this was part of the reason.
So, we talked about our DD being his "angel" instead of his "princess", and one not being better or more important than the other that they would both be two different kinds of wonderful. I also pointed out to him that for the first couple of years, babies may as well be asexual. They all poop, puke, cry, and do roughly the same things. To a sibling there isn't going to be much of a difference.
Congratulations on your little girl.
It took a while for me to get DH's ACTUAL concerns out of him. Originally, he claimed it was the money - so I showed him how it's doable. Then, it was the impact on me finishing my degree - so I showed him how my class schedule for the next 2 years will work with his work schedule. Next, it was space - so we sold our guest room furniture and put a futon from Ikea in the nursery. When he was running out of concerns, he finally came to terms with his real worry.
He thought I wouldn't love DSS as much as DD. I've loved and cared for him as my own for 3 years. He thought after I had "my own" baby, I wouldn't feel the same way about SS and just push him to the side. I've had to show him (because it seems men don't listen as well as they see) over the past 8 months how much I DO love SS. It's really helped this summer that it's just been SS and me while DH is at work. We've done fun stuff together and get to share pictures and products with DH when he gets home from work. He's realized that my feelings will not change.
Sometimes when DH is worried about stuff, and I try to comfort/reassure him, he tells me that it's okay for him to be worried or concerned or whatever. That I don't have to fix it.
Our home is one mine (DS) and one ours (DD). So far, DD is the one who wants to go with DS. She wants to go see Nana & Papaw (XH's parents). She wants to talk to "California Daddy" when he calls. We kinda laugh about it, and I don't think it bothers DH at all. Or if it does, it's not something that lingers.
I think YH's reaction is a natural one, and that his fears will either be realized or not. Maybe just try to work together and decide on some positive steps you can take if K does have some problems adjusting? He could think of some daddy/daughter dates, or you can all plan some special things to do before the baby gets here.
Congratulations on a baby girl!!!!
As for your DH, I would wait it out. One thing I found about my pregnancy is that DH was so in a different place than me. He had all of these worries and fears and the baby wasn't as real to him as he was to me. Once DS was born it was a different story. My SDs were very excited for their upcoming brother and when he finally got here they doted on him and loved the crap out of him. They far exceeded my expectation in terms of how they would receive him.
It sounds like K is excited for her new sibling, and she will probably be beyond delighted when she arrives and when she is, your DH can relax
Thanks everyone. I know this will eventually pass. I think a lot of his fears are related to things that BM has said to K regarding this pregnancy, and he's worried K will actually start listening/believing those things. But really, we've been able to keep K feeling as involved in this blended family as possible with the 40% of the time she's with us so I'm sure we'll be fine.
Felles, I found something on Pinterest about 50 Dates for Daddy and Daughter and printed a bunch of the ideas out. I think it would be a great idea for him to set aside a day or 2 a month for just him and K. Thanks for the suggestion
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I just wanted to say that based on previous posts, it's obvious that you love K and that she shouldn't feel replaced by your new daughter. I say shouldn't because who knows what kids will think/feel in any given situation.
My question for your husband is why can't he have two princesses?
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