Would you ever even *consider* having your 3 yo at the birth?
SortaCrunchy
member
I'll preface this by saying that having my 3.5 yo son at the birth of his sister is absolutely not my ideal. In fact, my mom is flying down 5 days before my due date specifically to watch DS. However, in the event that I go into labor early, I don't have a good back up plan. DH and I have no family here (we're military), and we can't think of any friends whom we feel completely comfortable leaving DS with. We don't have a regular sitter because we have never left DS with anyone other than family. (That's obviously a different story, but it is what it is, and it generally works for us.)
This will be my 2nd natural hospital birth. DS was born in a less than natural birth friendly hospital with an OB I had never met, but I still did it. This time, I'm birthing with a midwife in a very NB friendly environment, and I'm super excited!
The only real solution I can think in the event that I go into labor before my mom gets here is to have DH and DS come to the hospital with me. When I'm doing well, they can both be in the room, and if DS gets overwhelmed or things get a little scary (I received supplemental O2 with DS, and I think the mask, for example, would scare him), then they can head out to the waiting room. When it comes time to push, I don't know what I would want, but I *think* I would be OK with DH and DS at my head, if they're OK with it. Again, this is far from my ideal. I want DS happily at home with my mom when I'm in the hospital, but I feel like I need a plan B, just in case. Just for the record, I was very calm all through DS's labor, breathing deeply between contractions and resting as much as possible between them, so DS wouldn't be exposed to any crazy noises or screaming or anything like that.
Also, as much as I don't want to be laboring in the hospital alone, I'd rather put DS's comfort above my own, and DH agrees with me. He says he's OK if he misses the birth because he is attending to DS. With my first labor, I wanted to be alone for most of it. I sent DH to work when I was already in active labor and didn't call him to come home until 6 hours later when I needed to go to the hospital. (I was at 8cm when I was checked in triage.) DH was present at the hospital, of course, and I really appreciated his being there for support, although I asked him not to do any "coaching" and to basically leave me alone unless I requested his help. Which I didn't. So as much as I don't want to birth alone, I know that I could, and I would rather birth alone (that is, with DH in the waiting room or elsewhere with DS) than be worrying about DS the entire time.
Opinions? Is it an awful idea to even consider having DS at the hospital? Do you think he would be traumatized if he were present for the labor and birth? Or do you think I am 100% insane for wanting him there even if it means that he and DH could end up outside and me alone? If you've had your children attend your other births, how old were they at the time, and how did they do?
Re: Would you ever even *consider* having your 3 yo at the birth?
We have the same dilemma. DS turns 3 in October and I'm due in January.
We had good friends that would be perfect to watch DS but they are moving away.
My DH and I just started discussing this and he feels we need to find someone for DS. DH really wants to be there for me and not be there to deal with DS. If we end up at the hospital we would still need someone to watch DS - they don't allow unsupervised young children there. We are still debating have another home birth so that's another factor.
I don't think your DS would be traumatized seeing his sibling born. But I do think he might want hugs and cuddles when you're laboring and that might be hard on you.
We're expats so I am hoping in the next few months to find someone to give us a hand. Everyone really steps up for each other because we all don't have family here.
My ideal scenario is that I have a quick labor and birth at home while DS is at sleep or a daycare (he goes part-time). But I think that's a bit too much to gamble on!
Interested to hear what others say. Would be nice to hear someone had a great experience with their 3 yr old around for the birth.
No. Not at all.
I had a HB last time and I didn't even want the kids in the house while I was in labor.
If I were you I would start interviewing babysitters now.
I think some hospitals might have rules about young kids being around, but that might not be true. I would check, at any rate.
care.com and sitter city are both good sites for finding sitters. I would look there.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Not to be a downer, but what if things don't go according to plan? Say, an emergency pops up and your H isn't there bc he's taking care of Ds? How do you know for sure that you'd be ok with out him? Or what if, God forbid, you need to go under general, who will be your voice when you can't speak for yourself? These are what would make me consider having a sitter for Ds.
I'm having a home birth this time and I plan to have Ds in the home as long as things go as planned. At least up until he starts bugging me
After that he will go to my neighbors house until new baby arrives. Or if an emergency pops up, we will either use my neighbor or have family (ILs) pick him up at the hospital. He will be 2.5.
My son will only be 15 months old when #2 comes (and I realize that's different by a lot than a 3 year old), we're having a home birth, and there will be 4 people in my birth team (MW, student MW, birth assistant, doula), my H, and my aunt there...I really want my son to be close by for the birth. If it's too scary for him, my aunt can take him out of the room...to his own room, I'm thinking, where they can watch movies, read books, snuggle, sleep, eat snacks. But if it's calm and he's doing fine being around, I would love for him to be there while we welcome his little brother. I am in a different situation in that I have someone (my aunt) to specifically take him out of the room if anything happens with him. I would not be comfortable with that person being my H though. I know I will need him...even if I don't need him to coach, I will need him to be there for the birth of his son.
In Mayim Bialik's book Beyond the Sling, she talks about her 3 year old being in his high chair nearby while she gave birth to his brother at home, right in front of him. He was great with it, according to her. And my MW said that her experience with siblings around for births (specifically, in her case, she's talking about home births) is that they tend to just be quiet observers and that they don't have the influence of our society of birth fear for it to seem like a super scary time. I don't think it's that uncommon in other cultures. I do think it's extremely uncommon in our culture though, and I would think your hospital may not be okay with it. GL with your decision!!
I would avoid this if I could. Just because you were calm and quiet last time, doesn't mean you will be this time. And with your toddler hanging around potentially breaking your concentration, it might make it very tough for you. I wouldn't mind if dh went home and I just had alone time once the new baby was born, but I would start looking for sitters now so by the time labor rolls around, you'll have someone to call in case your mom isn't there. Nothing is certain with labor - each time is different so you can't count on how it was last time being the same.
just to preface I want to tell you that I went through this exact situation when I found out I was pregnant with DS. I have since worked out a few different people/ situations to watch him when the baby is born, and plan on laboring at home with DH/DS as long as possible.
firstly, since you are birthing in a hospital I'm 99% positive no one under the age of 18 is allowed in the delivery room.
secondly, every labor/ delivery is different. It seems you did a great job laboring with DS, congrats! There are no guarantees that you will fee the same regarding DH, or that you will be able to manage the pain the same way.
thirdly, what if its 3am and you decide you need to be at the hospital, are you going to wake up your 3.5 year old and bring him with you, exhausted and probably cranky, then have him watch his mommy moan through excruciating pain?
fourthly, I believe a PP brought this up as well, what if there is an emergency? your DH will need to tend to your DS and will not be able to be there for you.
and honestly, do you think your DH REALLY wants to miss the birth of his daughter??
I'm not trying to be a biitch, like I said, I had to consider this option as well, I have since spent a LOT of time with some neighbors in order to get DS comfortable enough in case I have to leave him with them. Can you see if one of DS' daycare providers would be willing to help you out after hours? since he and you are obviously comfortable with them....
No way. I was in the L&D ward this past week (wasn't in labor) and the woman next to my room had a small child in hers. That child screamed the entire day/evening and then again all morning. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds down until I could leave because I was needing some rest, something that I missed out on because that woman was clearly not in control of her child.
I can understand if your LO has to be there for a very short period of time but no child wants to be there, and IMO, should be there. That would not be a good time for any child, no matter how well behaved they usually are.
I have a two year old and a 7 week old. I absolutely did not want him at the birth because I felt he wouldn't be able to understand that mommy wasn't hurt if I got loud. I think if you're child could comprehend and understand what is going on without being scared it would be fine. Since you have a plan and you are both ok with it, I don't think it's bad plan, not ideal but workable.
I would probably start looking for books and watching birth videos with him so he knows what to expect and is prepared for the experience.
Some doulas have reduced rates for military. Maybe you could hire one to come to the hospital with you and watch DS and she can take him out of the room if need be. That way your DH can still be there for the birth and delivery and not have to leave to take care of DS. Good luck
All my children witnessed the birth of their brother. The youngest (other than the baby being born) was 3 weeks shy of turning 2 years old. It was a homebirth. They enjoyed seeing the birth.
For an hospital birth I wouldn't feel comfortable with my children being there. It is not their own house. They would be more comfortable waiting at home than being at the hospital with me.
I don't think it is insane to bring your son with you to the hospital. But I really think you should find someone to stay with him when he needs to go to the waiting area. Hopefully your baby will wait until your mom can help watch your son.
Birth is safe as life gets - Harriette Hartigan
Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.
Just to quickly address a few things PP brought up, DS would be allowed to be in the room, as the hospital (progressive and surprisingly NB friendly, like I said) allows you to have any family or friends present who will help you feel comfortable. DS can even spend the night with us if we chose. They might have a policy that any children need to have an adult watching them-- in fact, I think they do, and probably the mom's support person isn't supposed to count-- but as I feel OK with DH not in the room, I think we could get around that by saying I'm laboring w/o a support person. (Again, totally NOT optimal, but still. Come to think of it, I was actually much less stressed during my first labor when I was alone than when DH was with me!) Also, if I go into labor and need to get to the hospital late at night, DS would still need to be dragged out of bed, as any potential sitters all have children of their own. As for an emergency situation, yeah, that worries me, too. I guess that would be something we'd have to deal with on the spot. I really don't want to hire a doula this late in the game, as I think the chances of needing her are really quite slim.
And as odd as it might sound, yes, I really think DH would be OK missing the birth. When I first brought up this little "plan", he said without even blinking, "That sounds OK to me. I've been to enough births already (he's a MD and hated his OB/GYN rotations in med school), and it's a lot more important to me to have a relationship with our daughter after she's born than to be there as soon as she comes out." So, yeah...
Hopefully I don't have to worry about this. I went late with DS, and it seems like all the women in my family go into labor on the late side. (Maybe there's something genetic going on there?) My mom had several kids and not a single one of us came before our due dates. I'm absolutely not OK hiring a random person off the internet to watch DS. He and I NEED to know anyone who keeps him, which is why I'm only willing to consider friends. We did have a plan, actually, but that sitter/friend fell through recently.
There *might* be one other person I'm comfortable asking. I'll have to think it over.
Ugh. Is it bad that I almost am hoping for a super fast labor and unintended homebirth in the event that DD decides to come a little early?! (Kidding... Kinda.)
I spoke about this at length with several midwives when I was in the interviewing process before we decided to start TTC#2. They all said pretty much the same thing.
Siblings generally do great at births. Like PP said, they don't have it in them to be afraid of birth. That's a societal construct. It can even be beneficial for them in terms of sibling bonding and avoiding or minimizing jealousy issues.
However, you need to have someone there who is dedicated to taking care of your older child. There are too many contingencies to be prepared for to go without a dedicated person for LO1. Labor starts during the day, but continues into the night and you need someone to feed LO and put him/her to bed; You need to transfer - PPs are right, you can't bring your child into most hospital maternity wards, and definitely not without a dedicated person looking after him/her; Your labor is long and LO1 gets bored - you want someone there who can distract him/her with games and toys or a trip to the park or a restaurant.
We're military too, and stationed thousands of miles from any family. I feel your pain, I really do. But you need to find someone. If you don't have any friends you feel comfortable with, look for a student doula who would be willing to watch your child but wouldn't be uncomfortable bring there for the birth.
ETA: Somehow, in reading all the responses, I lost the fact that you said this would be a hospital birth. Then you absolutely need a back up sitter. Ask around your base/post for recommendations from other moms. You can also get a list from the CDC of certified in-home childcare providers on base/post. You will almost certainly not be allowed to bring LO1 to the hospital with you.
Do you have any OSD Doulas in your area? Operation Special Delivery (operationspecialdelivery.com) provide probono doulas for military members and their families. You can ask for a sibling doula to look after your son.
I think having a sibling at a birth totally depends on the child in question. Some are great supporters, others aren't. Some are well prepared, some are not. My eldest would not have been at his best at a birth when he was 3. My youngest would be fine.
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Harmony Doula
While it wouldn't be my first choice, I also am entertaining the idea. I like to labor at home as long as humanly possible (barely made it to the hospital last time). Our plan is to have my mom watch our 2 year old while I labor & deliver, but she lives 2 hours away. My entire labor & delivery was only 2.5 hours for my first...so I'm not sure if she'd even have time to get here EVEN if I called her w/ my first contraction (of course, this labor and delivery could be much longer, so who knows!)
My hesitation in calling her at my first contraction is that I want to labor at home & although my mom is my best friend, I really want privacy while laboring. I don't really want her here at the house during that time! So we have a back up plan of dropping the 2 year old off at a babysitter's house on our way to the hospital; my mom will then pick him up from the babysitter's whenever she gets to town. However, if my labor is really rough at home, I might want her support to watch the 2 year old, so who knows.
Basically we're going to play it by ear. There is a chance that if things to very quickly that we'd just take the 2 year old w/ us to the hospital for the delivery & mom would pick him up there after baby arrives. I've asked around and luckily the hospital I'm delivering at is sibling friendly (Even for 2 year olds!). We bought a special sesame street video (he's not allowed to really watch TV so this is a special treat) to bring to the hospital for him to watch while I deliver, and we'll also bring the Ergo carrier for him to be on my husband's back if needed.
I think it would be amazing if my husband was wearing my 2 year old in the Ergo and then caught the baby when I deliver him / her :-) The midwife let him catch the baby last time so that would just be extra special!
Most HBing families I know do have siblings at the birth (not that you are planning a HB, but I mention it just to show that this is not an abnormal idea).. and I have never heard of an IRL story of a child being scared. What I have heard of is the old kid(s) being irritated by mommy's noisiness or not interested, but never a scared child. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I think there is something to be said for the possibility of kids' natures being in tune with this miraculous, natural process. But, I have not yet lived through it. DS is on;y 19 months, which is different from 3, but our philosophy is that IF i can still do ample relaxation with him there and he's comfortable, we'd love for him to be part of the birth.
We have talked to our MWs about this at length. The key, though, is that someone other than you or DH needs to be in charge of kiddo in case of an emergency. Also, our MWs point out that the initial bonding with dad and his role as a birth partner is important, too. So, if a child is there or not, to me, doesn't actually solve any childcare "issues". For us, we've actually found that wanting DS at the birth makes the childcare element harder because we need someone who can watch him on-site or off-site, who will have a car seat in case we just want him there at the end but away for the rest, is someone who I will be comfortable with in the room during birth. etc.
More Green For Less Green
Call me crazy, I want DS close by.
I figured he would sleep through it or if it were middle of the day, my MIL would be there with him. DH does not want him in the house because he thinks DS would get scared if I got loud (I did during pushing last time). We compromised that MIL would come no matter what time of the day and then we'd play it my ear is she needs to take him out of the house or not.
In your situation I would find someone who can come to hostpital to be with your son or keep him. That said, that is what I would do. You both seem to be perfectly fine if your DH is not there for the birth and I would not voluntarily do it.
I would recommend hiring a doula to support your entire family during the birth. She could help your husband care for your son while you are laboring, as well as provide support to you if your husband is occupied with your son.
We had my daughter (2 years 11 months) present at the birth center with us 12 days ago when my son was born and she was a little rockstar! She was a perfectly behaved angel the entire time and she adores her new baby brother! Obviously, that may or may not be because she was present at the birth, but I have heard that it can help.
I included a link to my birth story if you want to read a little about how we handled it. We live really far from all of our family members and didn't have anyone to care for our daughter, either. But it worked out so well! Good luck!!!
https://iheartbaby.breathoflife.cc/?p=1417