DH has requested the board's help...(long)
DH and I have a situation, and he has asked me to post it on here to get some unbiased opinions 
. Sorry, this may be a bit long...
Backstory: We got married last summer after being together 9 years. In the 9 years we have been together, I have met all of the members of his family, excluding his uncles wife. This woman never comes to family events, as she apparently had an issue with one of the Aunts a few years ago, and they all sort of think she's crazy. When I came time to mail our wedding invites, we sent one to the Uncle and his wife (the crazy one who doesnt come to events). Apparently, the invite got lost in the mail, which we heard through the grapevine. When we heard this, we hand delivered one to their house, with an apology. They said they would try to come, but never RSVP'd. DH called them closer to the wedding and asked if they would come, but they stated they were still upset about the first invite being missed/lost, and didn't know if they wanted to come. DH said he had to know NOW (we were only having 40 people, and didn't have room for "maybe's"). The uncle got insulted and said they probably wouldn't come anyways, so "don't worry about them". From that point on, they have not attended ANY family gatherings, and I don't believe anyone has talked to them or anything.
Now: We sent out a FB message yesterday to all of DH's aunts/cousins/uncles. One of the cousin's jokingly said "make sure you tell Uncle and Aunt, b/c they are not on facebook, and you don't want them to get so upset again that everyone knows and they don't! lol". It was meant as a joke, and that's fine, but it did get us thinking....
So, here is the opinion part...would you call the Uncle and let him know the news? Or just let him find out through the grapevine?
Thanks everyone!
Re: DH has requested the board's help...(long)
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Then: Fraternal twins born at 26 weeks in 1983. Me: 640 grams. Brother: 840 grams. Family kept watch in the NICU for 5 months before being allowed to go home. On oxygen for a year and a half after being released.
Now: Me: PhD student and married. Brother: Lawyer and married.
Dad's wedding speech: Thank you to all the family who stood watch and prayed for our children's survival. Well now the little scrawny chicken is married. Who would've thought? (Thanks dad for making me laugh and cry at the same time).
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In my experience, and this sounds similar to my DH's aunt who won't come to any family functions because she doesn't like her MIL - literally, that's the only reason - be the bigger person and let them know. You could even send them an email, just so they know.
I say this because it will keep you OUT of the feud that they have created in their own minds. If you try to keep them in the loop, you are not at fault.
And FWIW, they are being ridiculous with the wedding invitations.
The whole wedding invitation incident makes them sound a little hypersensitive to being included in family things. I think the news of this baby is a "make it or break it" moment in your relationship with them. If this a relationship you want to save and make stronger, you are going to have to call them. However, if you don't call them, they sound like the type that will never forgive you.
Who is the sibling? Is Uncle DH's mom's brother or dad's brother? How is the relationship between DH's parents and Uncle? If they bothered to be upset about the wedding invitation, it sounds like they do want to be included in the family (or at least uncle does). Before Uncle married Aunt, was he close to the family? It sounds like his marriage to her was the beginning of the drifting away.
Yes, they are definitely hypersensitive to being included in things, even though the Aunt never attends functions.
The Uncle is DH's moms brother. Out of the 4 sisters (MIL and 3 aunts), and one other Uncle, this is the only one who has an issue with anyone...everyone else is quite close. This Uncle would come to events with his kids, but was always very quiet. DH is going to ask his mom is she has talked to him lately as well...
I agree with everyone else...call.
My oldest brother (I have three older brothers) isn't exceptionally close to our family. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't have any issues calling my other two brothers, but I was really hesitating calling him. We don't have a lot in common (he's 10 years older than me) and because he's kind of removed himself from so much, there just isn't much to talk about.
In the end, I called him. The conversation was brief, he was his typical self and not very excited for us, and that was basically it. In the end, even though it was very uncomfortable for me, and it made me angry that he couldn't be happier for us (or even fake it), I know it was the right thing to do.
My arm chair psychology - I've noticed that when women marry men with alot of sisters (especially close sisters), they never feel like they are part of the sisterhood. Maybe Aunt just felt like she wasn't part of the bond of MIL and her sisters and kind of gave up trying to be close with the family and pulled Uncle with her or Uncle felt like he was betraying his wife by spending time with his sisters.
Either way, if I were in your position, I would definitely have either DH or MIL call them and say "we just wanted to share the happy news with you, our son and DIL are expecting a baby in February". I would not invite Aunt to a baby shower unless they make an effort to reach out to you over the next few months. I think that would just be uncomfortable and awkward for everyone, but if you do have a christening or big party after the baby is born, maybe include them in that (depending on how they react and how the next few months go with them).
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IVF #1: ER - 9/26 * ET - 10/1 * beta#1 10/13 - 140 * beta#2 10/17 - 477 * beta#3 10/20 - 1101
1st u/s at 6w6d - one hb * 2nd u/s at 8w3d - no hb detected 11/10/11 * natural m/c 11/13/11
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I agree. If I read your post correctly you have not talked to them since they so rudely said they were not going to your wedding so why start calling now?
Asking you MIL if she has talked to him is a good idea and if she has let her do it but I would not worry myself over someone acting that childish.
Oh and for what its worth I had 2 wedding invites get lost in the mail and 4 other got "return to sender" and no one acted that stupidly about it.
This.
At least if you call, the ball is out of your court, and they have nothing to hang over your head. It sounds like they are very dramatic, and that they revel in the drama. Don't give them anything to fuel the fire.
I'm not close to my extended family (or family, for that matter), so the idea of telling anyone beyond just my in-laws and dropping my mom an email (she can't speak because of a neurological condition, so that's the only way we communicate) is pretty foreign to me - I would just expect everyone else, from siblings to cousins and beyond, to just hear through the grapevine.
But again, my family may not be normal - it's just not the sort of thing we'd ever talk about. I have a ton of cousins, but we've never been in touch outside of the odd family gathering.
I agree with this completely. I would call just so they can't hold anything over your head later on down the road.
I wouldn't think anything of it. I would just let them hear it through the grapevine.
We told our parents both times and they were the ones that told our aunts and uncles.
This is me. I don't feel obligated to personally call everybody. We personally told our parents and our siblings, but as far as aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., we just let the grapevine take care of things. No one gets offended by it.
Thanks everyone for all the advice!
I think ultimately I will leave this up to DH. I will let him read the responses, and suggest he mentions it to his mom, and then let him decide.
My personal opinion is the same of the minority...don't call and let them hear through the grapevine. However, I will let him decide how he feels about it.
thanks again!!