New Dad needs advice

Jrv136 · July 2012

We recently found out that my GF is 5 wks pregnant. She has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship where they decided end the engagement before getting married. My GF and I have only dated for 7 mths but it has been a fantastic time...My GF her son and I have a fantastic relationship as a family unit together. We are both in our upper 20's and have good careers so from the start we have talked about wanting to settle down and have a meaningful relationship (which we have) and get married one day. But since we are already pregnant now it's just been a huge strain....she feels like I would only be marrying her because of the baby, she's stressing about telling our families (given the situation with her first son), she's stressing because we aren't already engaged now.....suffice it to say she is freaking out about the whole situation.....and the crux of the problem centers around this....she doesn't feel like I'm excited about having a baby....I am completely new to all of this...I don't know how the changes in her body are affecting her personality but she is super negative all the time, very irritable, and overall just depressed....I've been trying to help by taking the load off her by doing much more around the house and taking over some of her financial stresses like buying the food etc....BUT NONE OF THAT IS EVEN CLOSE TO HELPING.....any advice I can get about what I can do (esp. little sweet gestures) to demonstrate how much I love her and our baby would be incredibly helpful. Thank you!!

Spacebunny19 · July 2012

Hang in there! It sounds like you are on the right track with being supportive. I would suggest you two perhaps look into some family counseling. I understand her concerns given her history, and she may not want to rush into getting married if she feels it isn't for the right reasons (and therefore not going to last), but regardless of whether you get married or not, you guys are now a family, and will always be a part of each other's lives.

Is she open to getting some counseling together?

laurenmichael725 · July 2012

I think it's really sweet that your on here asking advice! Try to be very patient with her; it's an emotional rollercoaster to be pregnant even when you expect it, let alone when it's a surprise. Make sure she knows you are there for her and encourage her to talk to you about how she is feeling. Keep an open line of communication and let her know you want to know everything about what she's experiencing along the way. It'd be a nice gesture to do little things like bring her flowers, run out and get food she is craving, rub her back/feet, watch her son as she goes for a pedicure, and pick up around the house (laundry and vacuuming especially, with the heavy lifting). Most importantly tell her over and over again how excited you are to be having a baby and you can't wait to go through this journey with her (if that's true). Don't feel pressure to get married if that's not where you were headed just yet. You can also show her your excitement about the pregnancy by going out and buying (and reading!) some pregnancy books. Again, patience is key!

MBush4 · July 2012

Bless your heart! Your situation sounds a decent amount like ours. I'm married and this is the first for both of us, but my feelings towards my husband run from resentful to "why aren't you excited" and everything in between. Just talk with her about your feelings. My husband's pretty honest in that he says he's excited, but a little intimidated by the idea. Plus he said it still doesn't feel real (and this was last weekend when we've known for more than a month). I resent the fact that he does so much around the house and frequently ask him to stop because I feel like he's enabling me to be lazy. So just be patient with her. Pregnancy emotions go back and forth like a ping pong ball during a heated game. Just sit down with her, try your best to explain your emotions, and try to figure out what you can both feel comfortable with in regards to household/financial responsibilites. Approach the wedding topic lightly but let her know that regardless of the baby, you would want to be with her. Good luck and congratulations!

Jrv136 · July 2012

Thank you for the advice!!! One big problem is the marriage thing for sure...She wants to be married before the baby is born (not actually having the wedding but legally married) so the past few weeks I've been rushing to get an idea about a ring and etc. We are going to hawaii with her family in early Sept and I thought that would be a very special thing for us if I proposed there....but if I want to have the ring ready by then I need to make decisions now and I just feel rushed....at the same time she feels insecure...and I know she is just waiting for our problems to balloon into me leaving her....and so she's pushing me away now so it doesn't hurt her so bad when it happens(but it won't, I'd never leave her unless she absolutely drove me to that, and I most certainly wouldn't ever consider it during the pregnancy)....if things aren't getting better or actually get worse then I'm going to suggest counseling because I think that is a good option because regardless of if we make it or not we are still a family, but I'm going to hold off asking her about that now.....I think it sends the wrong signal about how I view our relationship esp. given the things she is relaying to me about her concerns about me leaving. Thank you again!

Jrv136 · July 2012

Thank you MBush for your advice!!!....it's nice to know that we aren't the only ones with these problems....it's just very frustrating because I want to be this hero-type guy you see in the baby movies who is a great father and husband-type....but instead I just feel like s*** because I feel like the focal point of her anger and sadness. I will admit that it has been hard for me to completely understand how things are different because she doesn't look any different so it's hard to put her behavior completely into perspective....that's one of the things I was hoping to get some answers about....how can I show her visible signs that I'm in love with our baby....but that's such a loaded question

amyzen · July 2012

I think it is awesome that you reached out to us on this board. My husband has been doing a great job at expressing his excitement about my pregnancy. He is taking the time out of his busy work schedule to come to my doctor appointments. He is also going to a pregnancy class with me, and attending "Daddy Boot Camp" on his own. Classes are offered at the hospital where I am going to deliver and also at my doctor's office. He has also been reading up on symptoms I am going through and taking the time to educate himself and understand. These gestures have meant the world to me.

In regards to getting engaged, perhaps go to a mall and casually suggest that you look at engagement rings once you are there. My husband did that. I was so excited when he asked me to look at rings. He proposed to me a few months later, and since we had looked at rings, he knew exactly what to get me.

mjbaby · July 2012

I think doing things like buying a thoughful new pregnancy Hallmark card is a great idea. Write a heartfelt message - some of the things you've said here would be appropriate - and let her know you are there for her and the baby. Another thing that might work is if you go own your own to buy a ltitle baby outfit - my husband did that when he found out we were having a girl, and my heart melted.
You could also look up things like a birthing class that you might be interested in taking and tell her about it. Show that you're doing your homework about a new baby. My husband recently took out And Baby Makes Four from the library. It shows that he cares and is trying to make a plan.

Good luck - keep us posted!!

Daenaria · July 2012

Looks like you have a lot of support here!

I can speak on behalf of your girlfriend's point of view. I have been dating my BF 9 months and just found out we are 7 weeks pregnant with both of our first babies.

My BF is on the fence about even keeping the baby, so we have a unique situation compared to yours. One thing I've kind've thought about is to be engaged, but not married until sometime after the baby is born, but at least making a public commitment to one another - a dedication to the family.

Write her a letter - explain to her that you support her, your newly growing family, her son from a prior relationship - and that you take all of it, and devout yourself to it. Tell her you will be by her side EVERY step and you two are on the same page. Your family (married or not doesn't matter) is what comes first. And no matter what anyone else thinks or says or does - you will leave her side.

Hormones right now are a mess. Last night I saw a picture of my belated grandmother and started SOBBING. My BF had no idea what to do, and trying to console me just made it worse. We do not have control right now, sometimes space is needed, sometimes it makes things worse. It can be a bit of trial and error. But at least with a handwritten letter from you - she has something tangible, something she can hold on to, to help remind her that she is not alone in any of this.

Best of luck to you - and congrats on your first baby!

Jrv136 · July 2012

Thanks ladies for all the great advice!!!! I got some excellent ideas on how to be a better soon-to-be-father and husband hopefully

Thank you as well for the insight about what she is going through during these last few weeks.....our problems seemed to have just dropped out of the air recently and even though I knew the pregnancy was obvious causing obstacles but I didnt' realize how quickly the hormones started creating such personality changes....so thanks again!!

js1002 · July 2012

You are SO super sweet to be posting here.

The hormones are insane. I feel schitzophrenic. My husband keeps calling me "The Gremlin."

Maybe you should just get married on the beach when in Hawaii with family -- intimate, meaningful, but no stress... they do it all...

steph620 · July 2012

Little gestures go a long way! My husband didn't seem as excited as I knew he was, he just wasn't showing it. Finally, he started saying cute things here and there that made me 100% sure he was excited. He does things like when he kisses me goodnight and says "I Love you", he puts his hand on my belly and says" I love you too"

Also the other day he grabbed my hand when walking and said "It's my two favorite people in the world". I didn't know who else he was talking about and when I asked who this mystery person was he said "Well, you and the baby of course!" So I tell you all of this to know that a little gesture goes a long way!

ashmmill · August 2012

Late to the party but I wanted to chime in. I've always heard women fall in love with the baby with a positive pregnancy test and men fall in love when they see an actual baby. My husband is the greatest dad on earth, but I have no doubt that he was nowhere near as attached to her as a fetus as I was.

I wholeheartedly agree with the suggestion to attend all of her appointments. My husband went to all of my appointments with my DD and will with this baby as well. That shows such commitment to her and your babies' health and shows that you are involved and care.

Good luck!

MBush4 · August 2012

Jrv136:
Thank you MBush for your advice!!!....it's nice to know that we aren't the only ones with these problems....it's just very frustrating because I want to be this hero-type guy you see in the baby movies who is a great father and husband-type....but instead I just feel like s*** because I feel like the focal point of her anger and sadness. I will admit that it has been hard for me to completely understand how things are different because she doesn't look any different so it's hard to put her behavior completely into perspective....that's one of the things I was hoping to get some answers about....how can I show her visible signs that I'm in love with our baby....but that's such a loaded question

One thing my husband does that I appreciate is ask questions. He knows when I get tired of his questions, so he doesn't push it too much. But it's still a bit surreal for both of us, so neither of us is really attached to the baby yet. But one thing he does that I appreciate is show an interest in how I'm feeling and what is going on (since pregnancy in general is something very new to him). There are also a few good "dad-to-be" books out there. I think by showing an invested interest in the pregnancy itself (not just in helping) goes a long way.

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