My Weekend Off (of thinking)
lorist202
member
I made a personal decision that this weekend, I was going to stop making all the decisions. I would stop thinking, and just let DH run the show and suffer the consequences. Here's how it went:
Yesterday, we had plans to go to the Yankees game 3.5 hrs. away with ILs (long story). DS was home with sitters. Anyway, we decided to take the train. DH's cousin offered at the last minute for us to follow him by car. This was a bad idea all around, since FIL would insist on driving, and he is an impatient, inexperienced driver in city traffic. Also, cousin had an agenda completely different from ours. DH then decided we would take the cousin up on the offer. One bad episode after another, the day was a disaster. I knew it would be, but it wasn't my place to get between DH, cousin and ILs. I had no interest in the game and was just along for the ride. Terrible doesn't begin to describe that day.
This morning, DH offered to take us to breakfast. I declined, citing my fatigue, and especially DS' recent behavior in restaurants, as he's learning to walk and is restless. DH insisted. H wanted to try a new place, and it took forever to get served. Meanwhile, I was completely hands off with DS. Our breakfast never came. DH juggled him and was so frustrated with the whole thing, he insisted we just leave. He got his breakfast at the drive thru at McDonalds on the way home.
This afternoon, if we hadn't had enough of ILs, we had a family gathering to attend at cousin's house. I pleaded that we've had enough of each other, but DH insisted. So we went. At cousin's house, DS needed to be supervised, entertained, and tantrums kept under control. I sat back and left MIL and DH in charge. As a result, we left early.
Tonight, I feel less tired and more satisfied. Meanwhile, DH can't stop saying how happy he is that this weekend is over. 
Re: My Weekend Off (of thinking)
I would hardly call leaving my toddler with sitters for the day horrible. Nor would I call attempting to take him out for breakfast, or taking him to a family member's house for a small get together while under the care of his father (and MIL), putting him in "horrible situations."
I won't tolerate a husband who fails to recognize that parenting is still BOTH of our responsibility- even if we leave the house. I'm not a SLAVE At Home Mom. So, for all the days at a restaurant that he watched as I juggled a squirmy DS, a toy and a sippy, or a family party that he ate dinner, dessert, then smoked a cigar, while I supervised DS in a museum- like home and I starved, today I took a step back. We all survived. I think we even benefited as a family.
I called our Yankee game experience terrible, yes. It involved 2 hrs standing in the pouring rain, and a plethora of difficulties. I don't even enjoy baseball. That was Saturday and again, DS was home with sitter.
Obviously, I have had conversations with DH about unequal parenting, or for that matter, decision making. I've read plenty of posts about it, have plenty of friends/family/acquaintances who live with it, and have no doubt it will continue with our family. However, I started out this weekend tired and needing help from him. If, after communicating how exasperated and fatigued I already am, DH insists on packing up DS for breakfast out, and an afternoon with ILs, I'm going to need a break. Period.
Next time, I would just let him take DS.
I wouldn't tolerate it either...but what you did was passive aggressive and it only seemed to hurt you and your DS.
I agree. My DH can't quite understand why I'm so tired & frustrated when he gets home from work. When he has her for a day or weekend he understands.
I agree. Sometimes when I'm trying to make a point to DH and conversation isn't working (as related to child rearing) I also take a step back. I'll go run some errands alone, let him have more time with DD to remind him it's not always as easy as he thinks. Having perfect communication is not reality. Conversations don't always sink in. Using a different method to make a point, which I'm sure we've all left our kids with our spouses so they can understand our side of things, that didn't harm anyone isn't a big deal. The kid had a meltdown, those happen regardless who takes care of your kid and yes your spouse needs to be skilled at handling those too.
I don't get the critism. I totally have done the same thing. Some men only learn by doing. DH would always sit back and relax, leaving me to watch DD while visiting (for example people with big dogs, non-child-proofed homes, etc). No matter how many times we discussed it prior, he would still not do his part. So I had to just let DD do her thing (as long as she wasn't in danger). It took her breaking some stuff at his friend's house to get him to do his part. Now we share equally in the parenting duties while out lol!
How can they understand if they have not experienced a similar situation? They have nothing to relate it to. My DH was never rude about his expectations for a clean house- in fact, he was very respectful. However, he had never been alone with the baby AND have an expectation of getting things done. Once he had the experience he was able to relate to what I was actually saying.
OP said the. Baseball tickets were a Christmas gift from her ILs, which is why she felt obligated to go. If I am remembering the OP correctly, she tried to talk her H out of going out to eat... If H has never had the pleasure of entertaining a cranky toddler at a restaurant, he doesn't understand that it is a bigger deal than he realizes. I don't understand why OP doing whatever DH wanted to do is bitchy. Should she have argued with him over all of these details instead? I'm sure she would have been flamed for that too...
I agree. I tell my husband that I am tired and he takes over completely. Now that we have three we are always splitting duties or tag teaming so nobody gets too frustrated.
I don't an issue with letting DH learn by doing if he was actually aware of what you were doing and you had discussed it before and after.
I know one of my biggest parenting issues is I make what I do on daily basis seem easy to DH. I don't ask for help enough which causes stress for everyone. I've found telling DH specifically what I need is much easier and more effective. (Side note: Look at restaurant's menu online in advance if you can, so you can order as soon as you get seated, even if it's just for the toddler.)
I think you missed the point of the OP.
It's not a game. It's not being passive-aggressive. If I tell him- bad idea- and he still insists, I'm not going to kill myself trying to accommodate his wishes. He is the father of this toddler and my husband, so he can take responsibility for his own decisions. This weekend, he did. Further, there is no animosity between he and I.
If your H takes your advice each and every time you make an alternate suggestion than his, than it's great that works for you. Every family works differently.
Well, how else could some of these SAHM's play the "martyr card"? LOL!
I don't like the whole "I'm going to teach my DH a lesson without him knowing"........
And when I take a weekend OFF, I take the weekend OFF - I don't go ANYWHERE with my DH and kids. he's on duty........oh, and I tell him that I'm taking the weekend off......
Seriously! Whenever I see posts like that I wonder where these women find these men. And what were they like before they had kids?
Exactly...but of course, my husband is also smart enough to see when something is a bad idea. So there's that too.