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June 2011 Moms
courtneyjean7
member
Death/Funeral (Vent/Question)
courtneyjean7
member
Vent: DHs grandmother passed away last night at the age of 87. She was dianosed July 7 with what we were told was a very treatable case of cancer. She had one round of chemo and then decided that it was too much for her. We were on vacation this weekend and DHs grandmother decided Friday that she was done with the needles and procedures, and she passed away last night. It was very unexpected and we are very shocked that she passed so quickly. I am at a loss of how to comfort DH. He lost his father when he was 12 years old and his grandmother was his last tie to his father. He was very close with her and he helped her with everything while the other grandchildren refused. DHs mother lied and told DH that his grandmother was fine and decided not to tell him that his grandmother was going to pass because she didn't want to ruin our vacation. She didn't pass away until 6pm last night and we easily could have made it to the hospital in time to say goodbye. DH is VERY upset and heartbroken that he was not given the opportunity to say goodbye. He is mad at his mother for keeping this from him. It seems like whatever I say just makes everything worse and I don't know what to do.
Question: I have no problem bring DS to the funeral because he doesn't understand whats going on, but I don't know if we should bring the kids because of DD. She is 3 and I explained to her what happened and she was upset. She said that she missed her "g-g" and I think she understood what was going on. I don't know if we should bring her to the funeral because I don't know how she will react. What would you do?
Also, I am an extremely emotional person and I don't feel like I will be able to comfort DH at the funeral. Obviously I want to be there to support DH and be there for the family, but I feel like I will make a fool out of myself for crying hysterically. I have a very hard time dealing with death and I am afraid that I won't be able to comfort DH when he needs it, and he will be forced to try to calm me down. What should I do? Should I suck it up and go (and accept the fact that I am going to completely break down) or should I stay at home with the kids?
I know it sounds like a no-brainer that I should go, but I really don't think I will handle the situation very well.
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Re: Death/Funeral (Vent/Question)
I think you need to go with him and do the best you can. If you get overwhelmed you can leave the service to get yourself together.
I also think you should take your children. Use this as a time to teach them. Use them as a way to cheer everyone up a bit. Unfortunately my LO has been to quite a few funerals in his short life. His smile and cuteness tends to lighten the mood.
My grandmother passed away yesterday, also. I am sorry for your and your DH's loss.
I can imagine he is quiet upset with his mother for not telling him the seriousness of the situation. I don't plan on bringing either of my girls to my grandmothers funeral. I don't want either exposed to that. Call me crazy but I don't want them to have to experience that if I can keep them from it. I know Avery won't remember anything but she will sense all the sadness surrounding it and I want to protect her from it all.
I think you should definitely go. If what you say is true that DH was really closet to his grandmother then you need to be there for him. And it's okay if you get upset yourself. I would never forgive my husband if he wasn't there for me on a day that I needed him most. As Vigurl said, you may handle it a lot better than you think.
ETA: I had to fix grammar and spelling because today is just not my day.
Thank you all for your advice. I know that I really need to go, but I guess I just needed people to tell me to go to help me commit to going. I hope I can pull myself together for DH.
Butterfly- I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother as well. I have the same thoughts as you about bringing the kids to ther service, but since DD was so close to her "g-g" I feel like maybe she should go. I am so torn.
I am very sorry for both of your losses.
To me it is important that you do what you won't in the long term regret.
It doesn't matter what other people think, or how upset they think you are. Grieving is a very personal thing. Sounds like you're already trying to find the right way to be there for your DH.
Take care and do what you need to do. Personally I would need the closure, and think that it would be good to be there for your husband.
Sorry for both of your losses!
If you take DD once there you can decide how much you want to "expose" her to. You can take her to the casket for viewing if you are comfortable but if not keeping her in the back in chairs she will be too short to see anything. We had to take my nephew to an OOT funeral when he was about the age of your DD. We sat in the very back so we could walk out durring the service if we needed to and really he didn't get much of what was going on. If your DD surprises you tomorrow in her understanding of things and you want her to see then you can. But I really think you need to be there for your DH, I think you will be surprised how well you do. I am SUPER emotional and for some reason I can hold it together pretty well at funerals, its the private thoughts that get me an ugly cry.
Would someone from your family be able to attend with you to help with the kids, if you aren't comfortable leaving them with someone?
Thank you! I think it will be best if I bring DD just so she has the opportunity to say goodbye to her g-g. The funeral isn't until Friday, so hopefully I will come to terms with the loss and be more emotionally stable by then.
burp
Thank you. I think I am going to bring the kids and I will decide how much I am comfortable with DD seeing when the time comes. I'm hoping my parents will agree to go to help out if we need them to. This whole situation sucks and I wish nobody had to deal with death.
Thank you for posting this, you have a lot of good advice. I, myself, need to remember the bolded part. I think bringing the kids will help me to contain my emotions and allow me to be more in control. I explained what the funeral was going to be like and DD said she wanted to go. I'm going to take the kids and if anything goes wrong, or if DD gets uncomfortable, I will take her out in the lobby until the service is over.
I understand all too well your husband's situation. I lost my father when I was 13 and grew up only knowing his parents as grandparents...so I had/have an extremly strong bond to them since thats all I had. My grandfather passed away in feb 2011 so I fell I know the emotions he is going through. I took my DS1 to the funeral...he was only 18 months old at the time so I didn't have to worry about too much and I was pregnant with DS2....so God knows how I kept my sh!t together. Even though I'm the keep it together person in my family...I think pregnancy would have cracked that. It was great because I had a cousin get in my face all trashy like and tell my I didn't care papa had passed because I wasnt crying. When you've lost a parent dealing with funerals goes to a whole different level.
One thing I can say though, I really wish my DH would have been able to get off of work to come with me. But he did hold me when I found out papa had passed and just let me cry. I know he felt like he wasn't able to do enough to support me through it but I can't even name all of the little things he did do to help me through it. I do feel like I got the chance to say goodbye to my papa though because I went up to visit my grandparents a week before, papa had just got out of his 3rd stint in the hospital in as many months. I went to announce DS2's name. To tell my papa that in part we were naming DS2 after him and I have the greatest memory of his face lighting up with joy and pride; papa getting to enjoying a visit with DS1, it is really making me tear up right now. I just had this feeling in my gut as I was saying goodbye to him that when he said it back he meant it, that he was ready to move on.
Just be there for him. Be a shoulder for him to lean on. I know how hard it is to not feel like you got to say goodbye to someone...because that was deffinatly the case with my father. It was so sudden and it is still hard to deal with sometimes. I'm sure his grandmother knew how much he loved her and appreciated everything he did for her.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I am sorry for the loss of your father and Papa as well. DH and I sat down last night and he said that his mom said that the kids and I could come to the visitation on Saturday, but it wouldn't be appropriate for us to go to the funeral on Sunday. I found it odd that she said we couldn't come but I figure it's just another way for her to baby DH. My mother is going to the funeral and she said that the kids and I should go regardless of what DHs mom says. This situation is so hard as it is and now they are having part of the funeral Saturday, part of it Sunday, and the rest of it Monday. I'm trying to be there for DH as much as I can, and I will continue to be there as much as he will allow.
I lost both my grandparents this winter, and SIL lost a grandparent, and now FIL is in ICU, so it's been one heck of a year. In all of these situations DS has kept me strong/distracted?, and certainly helped lighten the mood. I was crying away during my eulogy for my Grandmother, and DS just babbled away to my mom who was holding him. I couldn't help but smile. The minister also said during the service that he thinks all funerals should be required to have at least 1 baby at them - to lighten the mood, and also remind us new life and new beginnings and that lives and families continue to grow and prosper. At the receptions that followed, it was certainly nice to be able to hold DS and have people come chat about him and laugh and smile. It made it much more of a celebration.
I am sure it will mean so much to your DH to have you there. I think I would have a hard time not having DH there for me if it was within our control (one funeral was a flight across the country so I understood why he couldn't come). Death also seems to being out some unexpected behaviour and emotions in people, and I wouldn't want to do anything people could perceive as uncaring or disrespectful if they're in that state of mind. It's something his family members might hold against you or misinterpret, regardless of your grief being your primary hesitation.
Good luck to you...I'm sure you can do it.
Thinking of you and DH's family.
I personally would not take a 3 year old, but that's just me. My family used to take me to all of our family funerals and I now have a full blown death phobia. I'm not saying that's the cause of my phobia, but I do sometimes wonder if that is a contributing factor.
I typically do not go to funerals unless it is close family, because I could go to a funeral of a friend of a friend of a friend and I would still be hysterical. If I was you though I would go to support your husband and if he knows how you are about death I don't think it's a big deal if you seem more upset than most everyone else. Then again like I said I have a full blown phobia and my DH would expect me to be more upset than everyone there.