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How can make separation easier on DD

skibunny59skibunny59 member
in Attachment Parenting


Hi Ladies,

I also posted this on the 3-6 month board.   

DD is very attached to me.  We have only left her a handful of times and we have only left her with our parents.  She doesn't do very well when we leave her at night.  We left her with DH's parents to go out to dinner and she cried the whole time.  :-(  Poor baby.  A couple of nights ago DH took me to an Aerosmith concert for my birthday and DD was with my parents and my mom said she finally went to sleep after crying a lot.  

I am worried about this because my sister in law is getting married in September.  The wedding is out of town and DD will be coming with us for the weekend but we have to leave her for the actual wedding.  My other sister in law made arrangements for her in laws to watch her children along with my DD.  I have met her in laws and they are lovely people.  Even though I feel comfortable with them watching DD, I am really nervous that she will cry the whole time.  She has never met them and she cries when I leave her with my parents and she know my parents.  I really don't like the thought of leaving her and knowing that she will be stressed out and crying.  Bringing her to the wedding is not an option.  Is there anyway I can prepare her to make it easier on her and on me.  I'm really not going to enjoy this wedding thinking about my little girl the whole night.

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Re: How can make separation easier on DD

  • jsugrinjsugrin member

    Sadly the only thing you can do is leave her more and build her trust and knowledge that she's safe and you always come back.  Is there any way at all for her to spend some time with these people before she has to take for an extended time?  If you live far away from them then I would make every effort once you are all together to leave her for short bits.  Start even with the simple, pop in and out of the room so she sees you leave yet come back right away.  In your shoes this would be my strategy (and my oldest was the same way, it's super hard).

    -I'd get some pictures of these people.  Show them to her along with other people that will be at the wedding and start talking to her about going to the wedding, here is who's getting married, we're going to a hotel to stay the night, there will be a party blah blah blah.  Then I'd start cutting  down the people. So, here is the hotel where we will stay, here is the two people getting married, here are the grandparents who are going to play with you while mommy and daddy go to the wedding.  Then move along to just pictures of the grandparents and other kids who will be with her.  Talk about how and what is going to happen. Sure she's just a baby and some people would say don't bother, it doesn't matter but stuff like this helped my kid.  Sure he still cried and he never was happy to be left somewhere but a lot of prep made  difference between hysterical the entire time, refusing to let anyone touch him and off and on crying with some playing (my son would usually warm to the other kids and toys if prepped but still totally reject the caregivers).

    -Of course make sure she has anything that is a lovey to her.  A couple favorite toys and if she's attached to anything stress to the caregivers that it's important other kids don't steal them (if there will be older toddlers, preschools there). You'll want to do what you can to give her some familiarity. Maybe even take a onesie and sleep with it under your pillow for a couple days and put that on her under her cloths so she has that sense of you.

    -At home work on the leaving the room and coming back.  Do a combo of telling her, "mommy's going to the kitchen and I'll be back" and popping out and back in.  Watch how she responds if you head out while she's engaged in something vers if she literally sees you walk out of the room.  ***ever book and person on the planet will tell  you never to sneak out on your kid but I learned that be it a trip to the store or a weekend away that if I said goodbye to my oldest as we were going out the door that he was a mess the entire time we were gone, this even extended to preschool at first.  If we said our goodbyes early and then snuck out while he was playing then he was 100% fine( well 100% once he was about 2 and prior to that he always cried but he was much happier if he didn't see us actually walk out the door.  It just worked better for him so we said screw the books and did what worked for our child***

    -Once you get to the event spend as much time with these people as you can.  If you are not able to do any trial runs with them then do the leave the room thing, go out the front door and come back a few times.  If you can do the front door thing a few times I'd pop out and come almost immediately back, then stay out 2-3 min and then about 7 min.  It will show her that yes you're leaving her with these people but see I come back for you.  Know that the times you pop out for a short bit she's definitely going to be crying when you come back, it's probably going to take her a good 5-10 to calm down after you leave.

    -Lastly, I'd be ready to leave the wedding if I had to or even send DH alone.  While not ideal if you leave yourself the option of going to mingle ect and then sneak out right before the wedding starts and then head back with her right as it's ending is anyone really going to know or care that you didn't sit through the ceremony?

    Good luck mama!

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  • skibunny59skibunny59 member
    Forgot to mention that DD is 6 months if that makes a difference.
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  • skibunny59skibunny59 member
    imagejsugrin:

    Sadly the only thing you can do is leave her more and build her trust and knowledge that she's safe and you always come back.  Is there any way at all for her to spend some time with these people before she has to take for an extended time?  If you live far away from them then I would make every effort once you are all together to leave her for short bits.  Start even with the simple, pop in and out of the room so she sees you leave yet come back right away.  In your shoes this would be my strategy (and my oldest was the same way, it's super hard).

    -I'd get some pictures of these people.  Show them to her along with other people that will be at the wedding and start talking to her about going to the wedding, here is who's getting married, we're going to a hotel to stay the night, there will be a party blah blah blah.  Then I'd start cutting  down the people. So, here is the hotel where we will stay, here is the two people getting married, here are the grandparents who are going to play with you while mommy and daddy go to the wedding.  Then move along to just pictures of the grandparents and other kids who will be with her.  Talk about how and what is going to happen. Sure she's just a baby and some people would say don't bother, it doesn't matter but stuff like this helped my kid.  Sure he still cried and he never was happy to be left somewhere but a lot of prep made  difference between hysterical the entire time, refusing to let anyone touch him and off and on crying with some playing (my son would usually warm to the other kids and toys if prepped but still totally reject the caregivers).

    -Of course make sure she has anything that is a lovey to her.  A couple favorite toys and if she's attached to anything stress to the caregivers that it's important other kids don't steal them (if there will be older toddlers, preschools there). You'll want to do what you can to give her some familiarity. Maybe even take a onesie and sleep with it under your pillow for a couple days and put that on her under her cloths so she has that sense of you.

    -At home work on the leaving the room and coming back.  Do a combo of telling her, "mommy's going to the kitchen and I'll be back" and popping out and back in.  Watch how she responds if you head out while she's engaged in something vers if she literally sees you walk out of the room.  ***ever book and person on the planet will tell  you never to sneak out on your kid but I learned that be it a trip to the store or a weekend away that if I said goodbye to my oldest as we were going out the door that he was a mess the entire time we were gone, this even extended to preschool at first.  If we said our goodbyes early and then snuck out while he was playing then he was 100% fine( well 100% once he was about 2 and prior to that he always cried but he was much happier if he didn't see us actually walk out the door.  It just worked better for him so we said screw the books and did what worked for our child***

    -Once you get to the event spend as much time with these people as you can.  If you are not able to do any trial runs with them then do the leave the room thing, go out the front door and come back a few times.  If you can do the front door thing a few times I'd pop out and come almost immediately back, then stay out 2-3 min and then about 7 min.  It will show her that yes you're leaving her with these people but see I come back for you.  Know that the times you pop out for a short bit she's definitely going to be crying when you come back, it's probably going to take her a good 5-10 to calm down after you leave.

    -Lastly, I'd be ready to leave the wedding if I had to or even send DH alone.  While not ideal if you leave yourself the option of going to mingle ect and then sneak out right before the wedding starts and then head back with her right as it's ending is anyone really going to know or care that you didn't sit through the ceremony?

    Good luck mama!

    Thanks for the tips!  Yeah, unfortunately I can't bring her to the reception either as my sister in law and her husband have made it clear that they do not want children or babies present.  It might be a good idea to take two cars though so I can leave early if I have to.

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  • judahsmommy1judahsmommy1

    First time posting on AP so hi!

    I think the two keys to leaving are to communicate confidence to your daughter about the fact that you are leaving, and to maintain trust through the process. If she knows that you're anxious about leaving her, she will feel anxious. So do your best to appear completely confident when you leave. That means saying goodbye once and not coming back. Be cheerful about the goodbye and do not appear worried or upset in any way.

    By maintain trust, I mean that the sneak away option is a bad idea. Sneaking away is a great way to cause your daughter to wonder if you're going to disappear whenever you're in a new environment. If she trusts that you will tell her before you leave, she will be more willing to explore her environment, which also means she'll have time to adjust to it instead of clinging desperately to you to prevent you from leaving. 

    If you have a little while before you are going to this wedding you can set up "baby sitting" with either your parents or other people on a semi regular basis so she can get used to the process. Those trips can be short (starting at 15-20 minutes and stretching it out over time) so she gets used to the fact that you come back.

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