Pretty long vent

Schwiingybaby · July 2012

I just need to get this off my chest because I never have time to myself so I never really get to talk to the few friends IRL.

DH doesn't work. Hasn't has a job for months. He's been dealing with a few issues and has been talking to someone. I work full time and I just don't make enough to pay the bills plus rent plus my student loans. My credit is down the sh*thole. DH works with his parents to discount our rent, which helps but I would prefer is he would just get a job so we could have money. He gets really upset when I bring it up, so I've been extremely stressed out. Everytime we talk about it, it ends with he and I arguing about how me nagging him doesn't help. REALLY? How do you think I feel? I'm not nagging. I have given him so much time, but I really can't anymore. I want to be able to do things, go on little day trips and actually have a steady income. He's ok with not doing any of those things.

I work 3-11 shift at work so I get home around midnight, go to bed and wake up with LO in the morning, which has been getting earlier and earlier lately. I then take care of her /play with her all day. That;s fine with me, I get to spend time with her and have fun but some days I just need a break! I had to stay at the hotel the other night so I could get some extra sleep.

Now, my AF is 3 days late, and I took a test, came up negative but I'm still freaking out about it because we CAN NOT have another baby right now! I don't think having a baby will help with DH and I's current relationship and our financial situation right now would just not help. I don't want to bring a life into this world and not be able to care for him/her like they deserve. We've been using protection the few times we have sex, but still freaking out.

I am just not happy anymore, and it's effecting a lot of aspects in my life. I'm not sure what to do.

On top of that, I was just called racist by some b*tch guest I had to put in a smoking room because she had no chosen room type.

Aaand, I'll try to end that here because I don't even know if anyone will read this much! Sorry ladies.

Scramblersmom · July 2012

I am so sorry you are going through all of this and I will keep you in my T&Ps. I have been in a similar situation before (sans children) and it really sucks. I can not really offer any advice on the topic as each woman needs to make her own decisions about how to handle each situation in her household. I am not sure exactly what "DH works with his parents to discount our rent" means. Do they own the home you ive in? If so, could you ask them if they could give DH more hours and discount the rent more until YH gets his *** together?

On the bright side it is pretty likely that a negative pregnancy test really is negative so I would not add that stress to your life right now without reason. You could just be late with all of the stress and exhaustion. Do not worry about the person that called you a racist either. It is not very nice of that person to do that and sometimes there are certain people in this world that like to pull the "racist" card without justification.

Again, I am so, so sorry that you are having such a rough time. A lot of hugs to you and hang there. You may have to start making some hard decisions to get DH 's rear in gear and make things better in your household. I wish you the very best.

Schwiingybaby · July 2012

The house we currently rent belongs to his grandapa, who can't live on his own so he lives with DHs parents. We moved in and agreed to maintain/ pay rent to his hosue. Because DH doedn't have a job, he 'works' with his dad to dsicount rent. Half the time he doesn't go, or he's only there for a couple hours or he doesn't 'feel well' enough to go work.

It's frustrating. We just got married in November and I am determined to work through this, but I feel under appreciated and when we talk about him working it's like I am the worst person in the world. It seems like he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, or he does and doesn't care. It hurts, and always gets turned back around on me because I've been bitchy/cranky/ no fun since the baby has been born. I simply don't have the energy anymore. he always tells me I am a completely different person. Well YEAH I had a baby young, unplanned. Obviously I had to change.

meh =[

Thank you for your t's and p's. They are greatly apreciated.

hunnybunny614 · July 2012

I so sorry you're dealing with this. I work full time and have support from DH and still feel overwhelmed. So i think you are amazing. What does your DH do all day (why isn't he helping with LO)? I know you said he feels like you're nagging, but honestly i would be doing a whole lot more than that at this point. It isn't acceptable for him to squeak by doing less than bare minimum. He has a family now and needs to help provide for you. How you make him realize that, i have no idea. Have you sat down with him, showed him the budget and asked him what he's planning to do to help you?

My sister works in a hotel and has seen the weirdest things. She works downtown at a really nice hotel and has seen one person od and another attempt suicide. Never in a million years would i have thought that happens at hotels. She too has issues with the name calling and overall rude people

cantalopes24 · July 2012

Have you called about a deferment or reduction for your student loans? We called when we started having a ton of medical bills from Lo being sick and they really worked with us. I'm sorry things are tough with YH but I'm glad he's seeking help. MH is bipolar and has anxiety which in the past affected his ability to work and go to school. If you need to talk you can PM me.

cantalopes24 · July 2012

Also if it makes you feel better it's highly unlikely you're pregnant and you're probably late from stress.

HappyAardvark · July 2012

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Its a lot for one person to have on her plate. I look at a relationship like a tug-of-rope match. Sometimes, one person has to pull a little harder than the other. Then you might trade roles. But as long as equilibrium is regained, nobody ends up in the mudpit. It sounds like you've been pulled really hard for a long time, and now your husband needs to give back some slack. Things just aren't sustainable at the current state - you will break. One person cannot carry a relationship of two people. Can you get into couples counseling, since he's already seeing someone and presumably would be open to the idea?

Shannon526 · July 2012

HappyAardvark:
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Its a lot for one person to have on her plate. I look at a relationship like a tug-of-rope match. Sometimes, one person has to pull a little harder than the other. Then you might trade roles. But as long as equilibrium is regained, nobody ends up in the mudpit. It sounds like you've been pulled really hard for a long time, and now your husband needs to give back some slack. Things just aren't sustainable at the current state - you will break. One person cannot carry a relationship of two people. Can you get into couples counseling, since he's already seeing someone and presumably would be open to the idea?

I absolutely love that analogy.. it is so true.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this, with what seems like an absent H. I agree with what all the pp have said, so I don't have much else to add, but I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you and hoping that your situation and relationship with YH improves :-)

If it makes you feel any better, MH and I (and L and our dog) are currently living in my parents' basement... it's quite um.. cozy.. to say the least. Maybe you could see if his parents could cover a part of the rent for you until YH is able to get a job? Just an idea I guess... Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, try to keep your head up and you will make it through it all somehow!

Schwiingybaby · July 2012

I have no idea how to quote multiple people!

Thank you ladies.

Lopes, I have deferred my loans twice since getting out of school, and at this point I really should be able to pay them. I want to pay them. I was kind of hoping that by keeping them and not deferring them again it would hint to DH that he needs to help. So far, no good.

He was a night auditor full time at a hotel so he made more than I do, and we were able to just make it every month without running out of money. When he stopped working At first it wasn't that big of a deal, because I thought it was for a short time and then he would be back on his feet. When LO was born I didn't work until she was almost 5 months because I guess he was scared to be alone with a baby. She was (is) a mommy's girl and he was terrified of her when she cried. It got better. So I started part time then got full time. It's been almost 5 months and nothing. I gave him time, but now he needs to man up and I don't know how else to tell him. I have shown him a budget, but it doesn't seem that he gets it.

I'm actually not really sure why during the day it's mostly me. He has a 'man cave' that he is in all day, and it's not really baby friendly, so usually I keep her in the other main part of the house.

I agree that he needs to take care of us, it comes with the whole 'awesome wife adorable baby' package. I am supposed to go to see his Dr, with him at his next appointment, it's just at an odd time of the day and it's been difficult to find someone to watch LO. I'm nervous to go, because I'm not sure what he hasn't told me and it makes anxious. I know I'm not perfect but I think it could be a lot to do with this situation. I'm anxious and moody all the time. Apparently I'm also no fun.

What also bothers me is that my family is really starting to dislike him and I'm worried my mom or dad could call one day I'm not home and ambush him. I would like to not walk in on that sh*tstorm.

Schwiingybaby · July 2012

HappyAardvark:
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Its a lot for one person to have on her plate. I look at a relationship like a tug-of-rope match. Sometimes, one person has to pull a little harder than the other. Then you might trade roles. But as long as equilibrium is regained, nobody ends up in the mudpit. It sounds like you've been pulled really hard for a long time, and now your husband needs to give back some slack. Things just aren't sustainable at the current state - you will break. One person cannot carry a relationship of two people. Can you get into couples counseling, since he's already seeing someone and presumably would be open to the idea?

That was an amazing analogy. It's perfect! I completely agree. I might have to try to use this when I talk to him. It may not be said as gracefully as you said it though.

HappyAardvark · July 2012

And here's the thing, too. Barring any kind of serious trauma or psych condition which would be an impediment to him holding down a ft job, the time has come for him to "man up" for his family, just like you had to "woman up" and take on more hours to support him through a tough time. A time of transition, not permanence. But you are like a boat with a slow leak (jeez I'm full of analogies tonight). You need him back on board as your equal partner or your family isn't going to make it financially. It's a TOUGH conversation to have, especially when I think men tend to feel a lot of pressure (and sometimes not rightfully so) to be providers. But once it's all out in the open, you can begin the process of solving the problems. Good luck!

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