Family visits after birth of first baby?

bethieb123 · July 2012

My husband and I live across the country from our families, and we are having our first baby next month.
I know all families are different, but in general, who would you have visit you to see the baby and when? I don't know what to expect during the first few weeks or how I will feel about having houseguests.

For my husband's side, his parents are planning to visit for a weekend a few weeks after the baby should be born. They will pay their own way, will probably take a cab/shuttle to our house, and they would stay in our guest room. I think this is reasonable.

For my side, I know my mom would like to be here for the birth and stay a while. But, we have no way of knowing when exactly the baby will come of course, so she would have to stay for quite a while. Plus she cannot afford a ticket, so we would have to spend about $500 and make the trip to pick her up and drop her off at the airport (1 1/2 hours away). Plus, I'm just not sure if I want her to be staying at our house for such a long time?? Is that unreasonable?

I should add - My husband will be deployed early next year, and he has a lot of training to do until then, so I really feel like spending as much time as a family as possible. Also, although we spend our money wisely and make the best of what we have, we would be stretched to cover her ticket... (even though my family likes to glamorize our lifestyle, the military does not pay much and there are other things that we could use that money for - like bills or baby gear).

Also, my sister announced that she will come visit "just for the weekend" -- but it will still be inconvienent to have to make the drive to and from the airport with a new baby twice in one weekend. She has not always been the most pleasant house guest (catty remarks and impossible to satisfy to say the least...) so my husband is not looking forward to it, but I feel guilty I guess. It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I want my family to meet our baby, I just don't want them staying at our house for so long...
Ugh, any suggestions?

Jess & Drew · July 2012

I'm not really sure that I can tell you what to do other than let people know what you do/do not want and what you can/can not do. It may be a little out of your comfort zone, but when it's time for the baby to arrive...nothing is going to be in your comfort zone. The first couple of weeks with a new baby are definitely an adjustment, and trust me when I say that you don't want any added stressors during that time. People may not like your decisions at first, but you have the beginnings of a brand new family and have to do what's best for them. If buying a plane ticket for your mom has the potential to put you in tough spot financially, then explain that. Maybe you two can work something else out like splitting the ticket 50/50 or some other ratio you feel you can afford? And you may just have to draw a line in the sand as far as when your mom comes and leaves. Can your mom help out at all with your sister's attitude? Maybe you can talk to your mom before your sister gets there and have her go over what is and isn't acceptable behavior with sis. As far as picking your sister up and dropping her off at the airport, can your mom help out there too? Maybe you can set her up with a GPS/mapquest and send her to pick up sis. And while they are driving the 1 1/2 hrs, maybe your mom can squeeze in that chat about being helpful and not high maintenance. IMO, if they are going to be staying with you, then they should be there to help you, so put them to work.

BarbourWales04 · July 2012

Jess & Drew:
I'm not really sure that I can tell you what to do other than let people know what you do/do not want and what you can/can not do. It may be a little out of your comfort zone, but when it's time for the baby to arrive...nothing is going to be in your comfort zone. The first couple of weeks with a new baby are definitely an adjustment, and trust me when I say that you don't want any added stressors during that time. People may not like your decisions at first, but you have the beginnings of a brand new family and have to do what's best for them. If buying a plane ticket for your mom has the potential to put you in tough spot financially, then explain that. Maybe you two can work something else out like splitting the ticket 50/50 or some other ratio you feel you can afford? And you may just have to draw a line in the sand as far as when your mom comes and leaves. Can your mom help out at all with your sister's attitude? Maybe you can talk to your mom before your sister gets there and have her go over what is and isn't acceptable behavior with sis. As far as picking your sister up and dropping her off at the airport, can your mom help out there too? Maybe you can set her up with a GPS/mapquest and send her to pick up sis. And while they are driving the 1 1/2 hrs, maybe your mom can squeeze in that chat about being helpful and not high maintenance. IMO, if they are going to be staying with you, then they should be there to help you, so put them to work.

This. I can tell you from experience that what you need most post-partum is for you to be comfortable. My SILs wanted to come and stay with us for a few weeks after my son's birth. I planned to BF and he had latching issues from the beginning. As much as I love my SILs, doing what I had to do for my son came first, and for the first two weeks of his life that meant letting it all hang out pretty much 24/7 because we were trying to get into our groove. I was fine with my parents and husband seeing me shirtless and braless, but I would not have been fine with anyone I wasn't genetically (so to speak) related to seeing me that way.

Birth is a crapshoot- and you don't know if (God forbid and knock on wood) something might go wrong that you need time to recover from. TBH, once you become a mom, your child has to come first--- even above your own comfort--- but right after you recover from a major medical procedure (which all births are) is not the time to be worrying how everyone else feels. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your LO. Everyone else needs to understand that and be willing to take a backseat.

If it helps at all, my H and I battled over secondhand smoke. His siblings smoke like chimneys, and I flat out refuse to let them hold my son unless they haven't smoked that day. My husband argued that I was making it so that his sister wouldn't know our son. I argued that if my SIL can't lay off a cigarette if she knows she's going to be around our son (especially because it's been proven that second hand smoke can increase SIDS risk) then that's something she'll have to deal with. I'm not going to apologize for doing what I feel I need to do for my son and my family. Neither should you, OP. If you don't have the money, then you don't have it- though an excellent solution is one that PP suggested.

Good luck- and sorry for the tangent.

anonsouthernbell · July 2012

def do what you feel comfortable with...do you have friends in the area that could make the airport trip for you? perhaps split the ticket w/your mom and have her come out after the baby's birth?

GreenMonkey1 · July 2012

Say no.

I'm all for family visiting the baby and I'm lucky that both of our families live in the greater metro area. Two of our siblings are a little farther, but they'll meet our son when they come into town and not on our dime. I like my SIL, but if she wants to come visit the baby then she needs to pay for plane/train fare and come to our area. We don't have an extra $500 either and she's had 6-months to save.

Personally I do not think it is unreasonable to (a) not have houseguests after you've had a baby (b) not pick people up from the airport, especially if it is a 3-hour round trip, and (c) not pick-up the tab for family to come and visit.

My labor ended up having to be a c-section so to add on to being sleep-deprived and nursing 24-7, I'm recuperating from major abdominal surgery. It's currently noon and I'm walking around in yoga pants and a wide open robe with no shirt/bra and haven't yet taken a shower. No way I'd be doing that with houseguests, even family. I want to feel free to let it all hang out so that I can learn to take care of my child without needing to worry about somebody else. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience - for you, your husband, and your newborn. My opinion, that family unit comes first.

allardr · July 2012

Just make your wants clear. As for tips, I'd say look into flightline or other services for transport to/from the airport. They typically aren't too expensive and well worth not making the trip (at least one of the trips). And I agree maybe offer to split the ticket and if your mom can't get the other half suggest you both save up and plan a trip out when baby is a little older.

Our families live far away and we're going to drive and visit them after 1 month. I figure I'll be ready to share LO by then and I won't have to have houseguests.

JulesFo · July 2012

Jess & Drew:
I'm not really sure that I can tell you what to do other than let people know what you do/do not want and what you can/can not do. It may be a little out of your comfort zone, but when it's time for the baby to arrive...nothing is going to be in your comfort zone. The first couple of weeks with a new baby are definitely an adjustment, and trust me when I say that you don't want any added stressors during that time. People may not like your decisions at first, but you have the beginnings of a brand new family and have to do what's best for them. If buying a plane ticket for your mom has the potential to put you in tough spot financially, then explain that. Maybe you two can work something else out like splitting the ticket 50/50 or some other ratio you feel you can afford? And you may just have to draw a line in the sand as far as when your mom comes and leaves. Can your mom help out at all with your sister's attitude? Maybe you can talk to your mom before your sister gets there and have her go over what is and isn't acceptable behavior with sis. As far as picking your sister up and dropping her off at the airport, can your mom help out there too? Maybe you can set her up with a GPS/mapquest and send her to pick up sis. And while they are driving the 1 1/2 hrs, maybe your mom can squeeze in that chat about being helpful and not high maintenance. IMO, if they are going to be staying with you, then they should be there to help you, so put them to work.

I agree, especially with putting them to work if they stay!

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