New to the Board...been through hell in the past 2 weeks :( — The Bump
Military Families

New to the Board...been through hell in the past 2 weeks :(

Hey Ladies,

Thought i would hop over to this one since i am new to the military scene and my BF says i should try to be more involved... im kinda just venting so thanks for reading.....this is my first pregnancy and im due in december,  my BF has a little girl from a previous relationship who will be 2 in a week... We are planning on getting married in september before we move... BF is in texas for training right now... i have not been separated from him since we started dating so its been rough... well we found out two weeks ago that the truck that had ALL of our belongings on it caught fire and we lost everything... this is absolutely devistating, i am happy no one was hurt, but we lost so many things that just cant be replaced :( ... a week after that we found out that my BF's orders were changed to Korea instead of KY... two days later found out that his orders were changed again... we dont know where we are going so i have no clue where i will be having my baby and it really is stressing me out... we move in two months and we dont know where... they said that they would tell him where he is being stationed by the 30th... i am a really organized person and this is just killing me... i feel a little accomplished because i finally got the list all the items that we lost done for the moving company... but its just been really hard... being a military GF/Wife has really been rough so far...

thanks for letting me vent...

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Re: New to the Board...been through hell in the past 2 weeks :(

  • I am not trying to be mean.  But unless you two get married, your "moving with him" is not going to be easy.

    1. Depending on the command, as a GF - you will not be given information
    2. You are not eligible for any health care, commissary and BX - and depending on where he is stationed this IS important. If you are in a small town, that is your life line.  
    3. If he does goes overseas, living with him is hard without the command sponsorship.  At some bases, the soldier (no matter what the rank) are not even allowed to live off base.  What would you do then?
    4. And if you are not a dependant, you really should not be moving YOUR stuff.  This one is my inner *** coming out, but if they replace YOUR stuff - ie give you a benefit that you are not eligible for, I would be irked.  Just like I would be pissed if your BoyFriend went shopping at the commissary or took your car on base and got the cheapest gas, etc.  You are not a beneficiary. 
    5. If something were to happen to your boyfriend, you get nothing.  Sure he can put you on as his beneficiary, but again no health care.  It means red-tape if he is injured and in a Military Hospital.  
    6. There are tons of support programs, jobs programs, educational programs (you cant use his Post 9/11 GI bill for your college if you are not married) that you cannot use.
    7. Finally you will have NO LEGAL support if something happens to your relationship.  Say you move with him across the country and he decides to dump you.  Not married, you ahve to get yourself back to your home town.  Married, you get some financial support.  

    Look, I am not saying marry him for his benefits.  I am actually saying DO NOT MOVE WITH HIM UNLESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS READY FOR MARRIAGE WITHIN THE NEXT 6 MONTHS

    If he really loves you, he would want these protections for you too.   

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • Oh and I really think your boyfriend is an idiot with this comment, "my BF says i should try to be more involved"

    If you cannot even get on base without a sponsor, how are you supposed to be more involved?  Not for nothing, but many of the spouses groups will not include girlfriends - be it the snobbery factor, the OPSEC factor (our squadron commander at Langley would not allow non-spouses, even parents to get most info) or just the logistics of it.

    As the servicemember he SHOULD know this and it is not fair setting you up like that.

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • I'm very sorry to hear about all of your frustration, and I know that it is stressful. It's really awful that your stuff was all destroyed. 

    Ilumine is right, though, that you are going to have issues if you're not married.  I'm not saying get married if you're not ready, but just be prepared for things to be difficult.

    ETA; And if/when you do get married, military life often throws the unexpected your way. Orders get changed, it can take awhile to get orders... Things don't always happen the way you want them to, so make sure that you are ready to accept that kind of lifestyle. DH and I have been married a few years and I knew a lot about military life before we got married, but that doesn't make it any less stressful when orders change or DH has to be gone, etc.

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  • I am sorry you are having to go through all of this.  

    I have to agree with Ilumine on all her points.  I see that you are planning on getting married in September, but depending on where he moves to, you might have to be prepared to be left behind, especially if he moves overseas.  The military will not pay to send you with him just because you got married.  If he goes overseas, you will need command sponsorship, and that can take months to get.  Also, since you are not married yet, the military is not obligated to pay for the replacement of your stuff, only his.  I hope things work out for you, but be prepared as a military spouse to deal with your H being gone for long periods of time, not being able to talk to him whenever you want, and not always knowing what is going to happen, whether it is a PCS move or a deployment.

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  • Being a military SO is not easy, especially for Type A personalities and people who are really organized.  You have to hand a lot of control over to the military.  You have to learn to roll with the punches and be open to things not going the way you wish they would.  
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  • I am so sorry to hear that all this happened. This is a situation where you feel that no matter what you can't win. I also want to say congratulations on the pregnancy and not knowing where you're going can be quite stressful. One piece of advice- Although it's hard you will have to let go on trying to plan, organize, and be in control to make sure everything goes smoothly. I am only telling you this from experience because that's how I use to be. When you become military they become in control. Not that this is a bad thing, but  you kind of have to just folllow their  lead. Orders can always change even last minute. The best way you can plan for this is to just plan to be flexible. Military usually places people where they really need them and sometimes this can be the total opposite of your preferences. A lot of what the pp's mentioned is correct. It is hard to do anything being a GF. In some cases that is not recognized. I saw in your post that you are planning to get married in September before you move. Once you all are mariied things will be a little easier. I think when your BF says get more  involved he wants you to kind of be supportive, do a little homework about military life, and get ready to roll with the punches. You will soon learn that as a military wife although things really stress you out sometimes you have to keep your cool because your DH will have a lot on his plate already and doesn't need anything added to it. Military wives wear many hats and sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and move forward. My friend has a saying that she told me "strap up your boots and put on your big girl panties, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Wink  Good luck!
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  • I second EVERYTHING pp have stated. 
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  • imageIlumine:

    I am not trying to be mean.  But unless you two get married, your "moving with him" is not going to be easy.

    1. Depending on the command, as a GF - you will not be given information
    2. You are not eligible for any health care, commissary and BX - and depending on where he is stationed this IS important. If you are in a small town, that is your life line.  
    3. If he does goes overseas, living with him is hard without the command sponsorship.  At some bases, the soldier (no matter what the rank) are not even allowed to live off base.  What would you do then?
    4. And if you are not a dependant, you really should not be moving YOUR stuff.  This one is my inner *** coming out, but if they replace YOUR stuff - ie give you a benefit that you are not eligible for, I would be irked.  Just like I would be pissed if your BoyFriend went shopping at the commissary or took your car on base and got the cheapest gas, etc.  You are not a beneficiary. 
    5. If something were to happen to your boyfriend, you get nothing.  Sure he can put you on as his beneficiary, but again no health care.  It means red-tape if he is injured and in a Military Hospital.  
    6. There are tons of support programs, jobs programs, educational programs (you cant use his Post 9/11 GI bill for your college if you are not married) that you cannot use.
    7. Finally you will have NO LEGAL support if something happens to your relationship.  Say you move with him across the country and he decides to dump you.  Not married, you ahve to get yourself back to your home town.  Married, you get some financial support.  

    Look, I am not saying marry him for his benefits.  I am actually saying DO NOT MOVE WITH HIM UNLESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS READY FOR MARRIAGE WITHIN THE NEXT 6 MONTHS

    If he really loves you, he would want these protections for you too.   

    Dont worry I dont think your being mean or anything, i would rather have you tell me how it is....We are planning on getting married in September after he gets back from Training....this is the soonest we could do it because of past relationships (its hard when an ex refuses to sign paperwork) ... and thank you ladies for your support and advice... i appreciate it... like i said i am so new to this... i have A LOT to learn...

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  • Sorry to hear about all the stuff going wrong, though after handling all that, you know you can take a lot of stuff life might throw at you. I second much of what has already been said, learning to adjust and be flexible is a must. In some ways try planning for different options instead (if that makes any sense). Like get the stuff you need that is easy to move, and just pick out larger items that you might not want to purchase until you get settled somewhere. For example, buy a pack and play, so baby has somewhere to sleep, and have a crib picked out, but perhaps not purchased yet.

    Not knowing where you are going, or having it change is pretty common, but that being said it can be very frustrating, and feel free to share your frustrations, and hear about similar stories from other military spouses. =)

    If you are brand new to the army, or going to be I recommend contacting Army Community Services (ACS) when you get to your first post. They will have a variety of classes you can take that might help you transition into Army life. For example, Army Family Team Building (AFTB), Level I can be a good intro to the Army. Classes include, Reading an LES (Leave and Earnings Statement), Customs and Courtesies, Community Resources, Acronyms. It might help you figure out what your resources are, and what in the world people are talking about when Acronyms are thrown around.  =)

    Best of Luck to you!

  • imageburgergirl13:
    imageIlumine:

    I am not trying to be mean.  But unless you two get married, your "moving with him" is not going to be easy.

    1. Depending on the command, as a GF - you will not be given information
    2. You are not eligible for any health care, commissary and BX - and depending on where he is stationed this IS important. If you are in a small town, that is your life line.  
    3. If he does goes overseas, living with him is hard without the command sponsorship.  At some bases, the soldier (no matter what the rank) are not even allowed to live off base.  What would you do then?
    4. And if you are not a dependant, you really should not be moving YOUR stuff.  This one is my inner *** coming out, but if they replace YOUR stuff - ie give you a benefit that you are not eligible for, I would be irked.  Just like I would be pissed if your BoyFriend went shopping at the commissary or took your car on base and got the cheapest gas, etc.  You are not a beneficiary. 
    5. If something were to happen to your boyfriend, you get nothing.  Sure he can put you on as his beneficiary, but again no health care.  It means red-tape if he is injured and in a Military Hospital.  
    6. There are tons of support programs, jobs programs, educational programs (you cant use his Post 9/11 GI bill for your college if you are not married) that you cannot use.
    7. Finally you will have NO LEGAL support if something happens to your relationship.  Say you move with him across the country and he decides to dump you.  Not married, you ahve to get yourself back to your home town.  Married, you get some financial support.  

    Look, I am not saying marry him for his benefits.  I am actually saying DO NOT MOVE WITH HIM UNLESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS READY FOR MARRIAGE WITHIN THE NEXT 6 MONTHS

    If he really loves you, he would want these protections for you too.   

    Dont worry I dont think your being mean or anything, i would rather have you tell me how it is....We are planning on getting married in September after he gets back from Training....this is the soonest we could do it because of past relationships (its hard when an ex refuses to sign paperwork) ... and thank you ladies for your support and advice... i appreciate it... like i said i am so new to this... i have A LOT to learn...

    So, one of you are still married? If its him, he committed adultery which is punishable under military law.
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  • imageiluvmytxrgr:
    Being a military SO is not easy, especially for Type A personalities and people who are really organized.  You have to hand a lot of control over to the military.  You have to learn to roll with the punches and be open to things not going the way you wish they would.  

    I've had to learn that a lot of things are out of his control.  The Army does what it wants and my H just has to do it...even last minute.  That being said, we weren't married when we decided to have a baby and he was stationed overseas. We actually met at his last duty station as I was working for a company there.  I still didn't get on his orders b/c of the command spon. (we were already married). He didnt get orders until 2 weeks before he had to leave.  We just called my stuff his stuff for the move. Hope everything works out for you!

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