Two Under 2

Would never choose this!

So I know a lot of you will disagree but I would never choose to have 2u2.  I have a two month old and a 20 month old I also have a 8 year old.  I do not like or enjoy the 2u2 thing.  Dont get me wrong I love all of my children and I'm glad I have them but I enjoyed my time with my first so much more. I got to spend time with just him and give him what he needed.  Then by the time I had my second six years later my first was more self reliant so I could spend the time with the baby and really enjoy him.  This time I feel like I'm constantly juggling who needs me more.  When either of the little ones is ok I have to tend to the other so I never get to enjoy either of them.  I feel bad for them both a lot of the time and feel like we're just surving not really living.  I know everyone on here says it gets better you just have to get though the first months but I dont like that! I want to enjoy my children at every stage and not just survive.  We are done having kids now and I feel like I'm wishing my babies babyhood away and it breaks my heart.  I hope it does get better but I still would never choose this if I had it to do over.
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Re: Would never choose this!

  • Ds1 and ds2 are 15mths apart and I felt the same way you do those first 5-6 months. It was so hard and I felt guilty for taking away time with each of them. Now I'm so thankfully they are close in age. It's so much fun to watch them and they are the best of friends. And I know I'm crazy since ds3 came along 4wks ago when ds2 was 20 months old. Things are a lot better this time and I have no guilt.

    I would suggest if you can do one on one time with each of them. We do this. Dh and I both do one on one dates with ds1 and ds2. We'll start this with ds3 when he's older. We'll take one of them to zoo or park or out for ice cream. It's a special time for us to just focus on that child. It helps a lot.

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  • I'm sorry you feel this way, and I agree that 2 under 2 isn't for everyone.  I'm not one of those people who say "it gets better, just get through the first months" because then I would miss so many important parts of their lives.  IMHO if you want to be able to give each of your children what they need, then do it.  It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.  A schedule has always worked for me so my family is thriving instead of surviving, but different things help different people, I hope you can find the balance that's right for you.

    What I don't agree with in your post (and I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that's how it came across) but it really sounds like your older child gets left out because he is "self reliant".  No matter what age or stage your child is, they always need attention, just different kinds of attention.  Sure he can get dressed by himself, but he needs attention to learn to read, write, etc.  On the other hand your infant needs to be changed and fed, but he naps 12 hours in a day.  It's more of a trade off than "getting better". GL

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  • imageMammaBear81:

    I'm sorry you feel this way, and I agree that 2 under 2 isn't for everyone.  I'm not one of those people who say "it gets better, just get through the first months" because then I would miss so many important parts of their lives.  IMHO if you want to be able to give each of your children what they need, then do it.

     This is the thing I feel like I am only giving them each what they need. Not what I would love to be able to give them. As far as just doing it you can not have one on one cuddle time with your infant when your not even two year old just pooped and needs to be changed.

     It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

     As far as just doing it you can not have one on one cuddle time with your infant when your not even two year old just pooped and needs to be changed.

     A schedule has always worked for me so my family is thriving instead of surviving,

     How to you schedule for a fussy day when your infant who is normally a happy baby who naps in the late morning is extremely fussy all day and has gas pains and can't sleep, or how do you deal with it when your toddler comes down with coxsaxi sp? and is running a 103 fever for days and needs to be held and snuggled by mom because he doesn't feel well? how do you give everyone what they deserve then?

    but different things help different people, I hope you can find the balance that's right for you.

    What I don't agree with in your post (and I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that's how it came across) but it really sounds like your older child gets left out because he is "self reliant".

    Left out no but he doesn't need or WANT the amount of attention that they younger ones do. He likes his alone time to read or play legos now that he's older. Also he goes to school so that's a large chunk of the day he's not there that my middle son got me all to himself before my third was born.

     No matter what age or stage your child is, they always need attention, just different kinds of attention.  Sure he can get dressed by himself, but he needs attention to learn to read, write, etc.  On the other hand your infant needs to be changed and fed, but he naps 12 hours in a day.

    I've never had an infant nap 12 hours in a day none of my boys napped that much.

     It's more of a trade off than "getting better". GL


     

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  • My kids are 25 months apart.  I would not have kids this close (or closer) if we have a 3rd.  DH and I have had a very hard time adjusting from 1-2 kids.  I will say it does get better, then you don't feel like your in survival mode.  You do what you have to do now when the kids are small...that's just the way it is.  Sorry your having a hard time.
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  • I totally understand.  I had infertility issues with dd #1 and was happily surprised with dd #2 :)  However, yes things get better but for me I feel as though it is never "easy" .  Yes you start sleeping more, but then you have two toddlers.  It is not an easy experience.  I totally get the whole "survival" feeling also.

     

    DD (8/12/09), DD (2/8/11)
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  • imagebellelamb:
    So I know a lot of you will disagree but I would never choose to have 2u2.  I have a two month old and a 20 month old I also have a 8 year old.  I do not like or enjoy the 2u2 thing.  Dont get me wrong I love all of my children and I'm glad I have them but I enjoyed my time with my first so much more. I got to spend time with just him and give him what he needed.  Then by the time I had my second six years later my first was more self reliant so I could spend the time with the baby and really enjoy him.  This time I feel like I'm constantly juggling who needs me more.  When either of the little ones is ok I have to tend to the other so I never get to enjoy either of them.  I feel bad for them both a lot of the time and feel like we're just surving not really living.  I know everyone on here says it gets better you just have to get though the first months but I dont like that! I want to enjoy my children at every stage and not just survive.  We are done having kids now and I feel like I'm wishing my babies babyhood away and it breaks my heart.  I hope it does get better but I still would never choose this if I had it to do over.

    You might enjoy a bit more in a year or so when they are really close and play together all the time. Seeing the relationship between DS and DD melts my heart. He went for a week long trip to his grandparents and he only called to talk to DD because he missed her so much. It is an amazing bond they have. 

  • imagestdldb29:
    Seeing the relationship between DS and DD melts my heart. He went for a week long trip to his grandparents and he only called to talk to DD because he missed her so much. It is an amazing bond they have. 

     This is so sweet it made me cry!!  I hope my kids have a relationship like that.

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  • imagearenglan:

    imagestdldb29:
    Seeing the relationship between DS and DD melts my heart. He went for a week long trip to his grandparents and he only called to talk to DD because he missed her so much. It is an amazing bond they have. 

     This is so sweet it made me cry!!  I hope my kids have a relationship like that.

     True but my oldest and middle are already so close even with the age difference so I don't see it as something they wouldn't have had even farther apart.  I know things will be fine I'm just having a hard time.  I guess 2u2 just isn't something I enjoy.  Thanks for all of you who understand 

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  • I know this is the standard answer but it really does get better. My first two are 19 months apart. I cried a lot in the first few months because I felt so guilty. So so guilty! ds#2 had colic which only added to the stress. I look back at his first few months of life and it is a blur. Which I hate. But around 4 months or so I really started to enjoy it. They had one nap that over lapped and the baby would still take one in the morning and in the late afternoon so I had alone time with my oldest son. And as they got older they became inseparable. They love love love each, share similar interests and are currently destroying the playroom together from the sounds of the crashing Legos I hear. My 3rd is 2.5 years apart from #2 and I feel like the age difference is huge. Which is crazy :) But these early days are much easier this time around. I am enjoying it much more. If I ever lose my mind and have a 4th I would go with the bigger spacing. Hang in there. It is still new. And on the bright side my oldest son and youngest son don't have any recollection of how nuts that time in our life was or how maybe they didn't get 100% of me all the time.
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  • I'm not going to quote all you wrote above because it would make this post super long, but here is the response:

    1) Sorry if what I said was unclear, "needs" to me include more than just changing and feeding.  Children need one on one time, stimulation etc. to become well rounded children. Things I categorize in the "want" department are things like material possessions that have no bearing on how your child is raised. 

    2) For lack of a better response, poop happens! But a diaper change only lasts a few minutes, then get back to cuddling with your newborn.  It's not like your toddler pooping is a huge undertaking, so I don't really understand why it seems like such a big deal.  I agree that you can't split yourself in half, but tere are 24 hours in a day, even if you take out 8 hours to sleep, that leaves 16 hours, yes, you CAN do it.

    3) I don't "schedule" in a fussy baby, (that would be pretty impossible).  I make my schedule with enough wiggle room so that when things come up, like a poopy diaper right when we are about to walk out the door, or a last minute wardrobe change happens because someone dropped their PB & J on their lap doesn't ruin my whole day.  You can't plan for everything, there will always be "off days", but if you never plan for anything when little things come up they tend to be a big deal.  Kids get sick, cars break down, plans fall through, is that really the end of the world?

    4) Just because your older child doesn't want your attention, doesn't mean he doesn't need it.  Do my kids want to take a bath every other day? no, but you better believe they take one.  Why can't you play lego's with him?  Obviously he's in school most of the day, so when he is at school you plan one on one time with the younger kids, and when he's home you give him the attention that he needs (but may not want).  I've posted this before, and I wholeheartedly believe that children don't ever need more/less attention, it's just different kinds of attention.

    5) Infants sleep 15-18 hours per 24 hour period (it gets shorter as they get older, but even a 10 moth old still sleeps more than 12 hours in a 24 hour period).  It's not always in long stretches, or when it's most convenient for you, but they do sleep.  Sleep is very important, if you don't think your infant is sleeping that much try timing all of his naps (they add up quickly!)  You don't need to spend hours at a time to give good one on one time, reading a book here, a cuddle there, bath time is even good one on one time (if you don't bathe them together).

    I use all of my hours in a day, I don't have the time (or the want) to waste any of them.  I'm not saying if you don't do a billion things a minute you are wasting your day, but there is enough time to enjoy your babies (and older children).  As I said to each his own, 2 under 2 isn't for everyone. I hope things get better for you.

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  • NoixNoix member

    I understand you so well!! My boys are 13 months apart and the first year was the hardest year in my life! Bt hang in there it will get better :) 

     

    Now my boys are almost 2 and almost 3 yes they fight but they can be best friends, the older one just got a new high bed and he doesnt see his brother when he goes to sleep, so he wont sleep there, he always goes to the floor with his pillow and cover and falls a sleep on the floor next to his brothers bed :) he is the first one there if his brother hurts himself and the younger one as well is always trying to help his brother :)

     

  • I promise I don't mean this to be snarky, just honest.

    It's fine that you wouldn't choose 2u2 if you had the choice to do it over. It's not for everyone. But you can't do it over, and now 2u2 is your reality and you have two choices. You can choose to wallow in how hard it is and feel overwhelmed and unhappy, which is so easy to do when you're sleep deprived and trying to balance a newborn and a toddler. Or you can choose to make the effort to focus more on the joy of having them close in age and the benefits to that as they grow.

    I have 2u2, almost 19 months apart, and I let myself fall into the wallowing stage in the beginning, and still do from time to time. Most days now I absolutely love having them this close and am so excited to see how they adore each other and can't wait to watch them grow together in the future. Some days I slip back to feeling so overwhelmed I don't know how we'll survive. But we always make it and I know that I'll never regret giving them a sibling so close in age. We are choosing not to do 2u2 again (and possibly not even have #3), but I'll never regret doing it this time. Once you're out of the early, sleepless, challenging months, hopefully things will get better for you.

    Mama to two sweet girls
    DD1 Feb 2010
    DD2 Sept 2011


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  • imagebellelamb:
    imagearenglan:

    imagestdldb29:
    Seeing the relationship between DS and DD melts my heart. He went for a week long trip to his grandparents and he only called to talk to DD because he missed her so much. It is an amazing bond they have. 

     This is so sweet it made me cry!!  I hope my kids have a relationship like that.

     True but my oldest and middle are already so close even with the age difference so I don't see it as something they wouldn't have had even farther apart.  I know things will be fine I'm just having a hard time.  I guess 2u2 just isn't something I enjoy.  Thanks for all of you who understand 

    Sorry, I was just trying to say something positive.  

  • I agree it is hard. But I also agree that attitude is everything. Your situation is what it is. Hindsight is fruitless. You can, however, choose how to tackle this challenge. If you can approach it with a sense of humor and a can-do attitude, you will be much happier (and by proxy, your babies will be happier). 

    Mine are 16 months apart and my DH deployed when my kids were 6 months and 22 months. The situation was crappy. But it was the hand I was dealt and I knew that I could wallow in misery and wish I wasn't in my situation or I could embrace the challenge and choose to be happy. I did great. The kids did great. My husband came home and we pressed on. 

    You have a newborn. Newborns are hard whether they are #1 or #10. It will get better but ultimately you are responsible for how this experience pans out for your family. Good luck! 

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • imagesweetpea2003:


    Mine are 16 months apart and my DH deployed when my kids were 6 months and 22 months. The situation was crappy. But it was the hand I was dealt and I knew that I could wallow in misery and wish I wasn't in my situation or I could embrace the challenge and choose to be happy. I did great. The kids did great. My husband came home and we pressed on. 

    This!

    Look people always ask me if I would do it again (DS was unplanned) and I say maybe but more leaning on yes. 

    Having 2u2 is easy on them but hard on me/parent.  I think the benefits outweigh my miserary and my difficult days. I am 100% on my own and it has gotten easier but not easy and two toddlers definitely has more challenges than those newborn days but they really love each other and like twins don't know life without the other....to me that is worth it and priceless!!!!! 

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  • imagesecondaryPULSE:
    ....Mamabear81--I think you're my hero. Yes

    Beer  I love having this spacing and will be doing it again hopefully!

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